I have feelings for a gay girl

Mayolad1

Right this is a tricky one to explain but I'll do my best. I'm in a relationship for nearly 7 years. I'm 30 and my girlfriend is 26. We thought we had our lives figured out, saving for a house etc.

We've had a lot of ups and downs (2 miscarriages, arguments etc) and it's very clear that there's an age gap between but not in the traditional sense. She is much more mature when it comes to planning, our future, saving etc. Where I'm much more emotionally mature, I would much prefer to talk things out than arguing. This has lead to constant fights over minor things that should never be an issue. As a result I'm questioning whether or not I want this for my future, even though I do love her. There are times she makes me feel guilty over things that are not my fault, my friends have said this is emotional manipulation.

Things have gotten even more complicated as last year I met a girl. She started in my place of work and I met her briefly, not really paying much attention to her. I wasn't attracted to her at all, but we quickly got to know eachother as we had to work together more often. As we got to know eachother it turned out that we have so much in common. With like all the same things, same sense of humour and we laugh all the time. She said initially that she was bisexual, I didn't pay much attention as I didn't really know her. Then she said she was gay, again I paid no attention as I still barely knew her at the time.

Over time we became really close, spending time with eachother outside of work, going to gym, cinema etc. I started to care about her alot, we've both through alot in the last year and we've been there for eachother through it all. I can talk to her in ways I wish I could talk to my girlfriend. As time went on I realized that I had feelings for her, which is stupid because she's gay. But I can't help how I feel and I really like her, maybe even love her. I love my girlfriend and everything was going well until I met this other girl. I realized what I wanted but it's who I want it with that's a problem. I've done my best to keep my distance but we work together, talk every single day on the phone and she has become an important part of my life. I miss her when I dont get to see or talk to her and I would spend all day with her if I could.

I don't want to throw away a relationship over a fantasy and I don't want to ruin a friendship with someone I care so much about. Am I just dreaming, not excepting reality or should I say something

LegacyUser

You're not in love with this gay girl, you're just not in love with your girlfriend. You're attracted to a girl who you can laugh with, have fun, talk things through, have common interests etc etc...you're in love with what a relationship could be like and realising your current relationship isn't working for you anymore.

baby and crumble

OP, as much as I know you're trying to be sensible, you're only going to get completely heartbroken. The woman you're attracted to is gay. She doesn't like men. So no matter what you say or do, that's just who she is. I really wouldn't say anything to her about your feelings, because they won't be reciprocated, and she'll just feel incredibly awkward- especially as she must know you're in a relationship, if you're close. You need to concentrate on sorting out your relationship as it is, in and of itself on it's own merits. Forget about the red herring of this woman you fancy. It's a distraction from the real issue.

Tiddlypeeps

You're having an emotional affair on your girlfriend. If this other woman wasn't gay and you had the chance I imagine you'd already be having a full on affair. This isn't fair on your girlfriend regardless of the issues you are having with her.

If you want to save your relationship then you need to distance yourself from this woman and work on your relationship. I know you say you work together so at least some amount of contact is unavoidable but you certainly don't need to be talking to her on the phone every day and confiding in her.

If you don't want to save your relationship then stop stringing your girlfriend along and let her go.

To be honest you should probably distance yourself from this other woman regardless. She is never going to return your feelings and you are unlikely to ever have a healthy friendship with her given your feelings for her.

Either way how you are currently carrying on is completely unfair to your girlfriend so you need to change something.

cannotlogin

These are two seperate issues.

Do you want to address the issues with your girlfriend, if do so, if not break up.

If someone is gay, they are gay, she's not suddenly going to become straight just cos you fancy her.

Have you ever considered that neither of them are right for you?

LegacyUser

I say this as a gay woman nothing would make me more uncomfortable than knowing a male friend was attracted to me. In fact I would find it creepy. In her head she's like one of the lads and you're straight and coupled up. There's no way your current style of friendship would continue if she thought you saw more to it.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe this woman has simply reminded you about what is missing from your own relationship? Going by what you've told us about that, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Are you absolutely sure that a future with your girlfriend is what you want? Or are the pair of you just keeping this going because you've got 7 years of it under your belts? The constant arguing with your girlfriend is definitely a worry, as is your friends' comments about emotional manipulation. Also, why can't you talk to your girlfriend the way you do to this woman? I think that, more than anything else, is a warning sign. Why aren't ye best buddies and having fun? Instead of arguing and her making you feel guilty about things.

Tikki Wang Wang

Is she bi or gay or gender fluid meaning she floats between the two? Seems an odd thing to be telling you if you didn’t really know her?

leggo

Doodaaa wrote: »

You're not in love with this gay girl, you're just not in love with your girlfriend. You're attracted to a girl who you can laugh with, have fun, talk things through, have common interests etc etc...you're in love with what a relationship could be like and realising your current relationship isn't working for you anymore.

This. Ding ding ding, got it in one. OP here’s your answer, simple as. /thread

wiggle16

I agree with leggo, Ursus and others. It sounds like you're falling out of love with your girlfriend and your friendship with this girl is giving you some of the things that are missing from your relationship with your girlfriend.

Regardless of what the story is with your relationship, you need to just forget about this girl. She cannot see you as anything other than a friend, it's not in her make-up. Don't say anything to her, it will accomplish nothing and would be unfair to her. I'm a gay guy and if a female friend told me she had feelings for me I would feel terrible. I've also had feelings for straight friends in the past, you just need to accept that they are directionless and cannot have an outcome. Easier said than done but you need to find a way, this state of affairs cannot continue as is.

Yellow pack crisps

Usually if you have feelings for someone new, it means the end of the current, regardless of the new goes anywhere or not.

baby and crumble

Tikki Wang Wang wrote: »

Is she bi or gay or gender fluid meaning she floats between the two? Seems an odd thing to be telling you if you didn’t really know her?

That's not what gender fluid means. Gender fluid means she doesn't identity as a particular gender, or that her gender identity changes over time. Gender identity doesn't have much to do with sexuality.

All the OP can go is the latest info on her sexuality that she's told him - whilst bisexuality is very much a valid sexuality of it's own, it's sometimes used as an easier and less intimidating sexuality to come out as initially to friends and family, because you're still saying you could have a heterosexual relationship at some point, which can be seen as more valid in straight circles.

It's not that strange of a thing to tell people. All my colleagues know my sexuality just from talking about my partner, like everyone else does.

zoobizoo

Doodaaa wrote: »

You're not in love with this gay girl, you're just not in love with your girlfriend. You're attracted to a girl who you can laugh with, have fun, talk things through, have common interests etc etc...you're in love with what a relationship could be like and realising your current relationship isn't working for you anymore.

This covers it.

When you have things in common to talk about, when communication is free flowing and when you're laughing with someone who you like, there's no better feeling.

You say "everything was going well until I met this other girl"...… yet you argue a lot, she makes you feel guilty about things that are not your fault and you can't have a reasonable discussion without it turning into an argument.


What do you love about your current partner?

suicide_circus

why was she bringing up her sexuality? were you sniffing around so she had to put you straight? pardon the pun

kg703

I’m going to disagree with people here. I’m female with my husband many years and very very happily married but I have fancied other people in this time. So has he. We don’t act on it.

You are human, crushes happen, we are not biologically monogomous creatures, they can become consuming too. It’s how you react is the key thing. You will have to withdraw from this girl, the more time you spend with her the more time that dopamine is going to keep flooding your brain when you are with her. She’s gay. Even if something happened it’s very unlikely anything would happen long term.

The next question is, how happy are you really? Your girlfriend and you may not share as many common interests but are you having fun with her? It sounds like you are spending way too much time with your mate and maybe this time could be used to do fun things with your partner. Communication is key.

Best of luck

Mayolad1

I get what everyone is saying, nothing will ever happen between me and this girl, she's gay, it's who she is, she told me her plans for the future and definitely do not involve me. I guess the real problem is how I feel when I'm around her and it's not a feeling I always have around my girlfriend.

I do love my girlfriend I really do and we get on really well, it's just when things go bad they get really bad. As I said we argue over really stupid things that most people wouldn't get upset about and more often than not it's her that gets angry.

I do take responsibility for some of it, I can be annoying or ignorant with certain things. But the frequency of these arguments is what concerns me. I would go to counseling but I know she wouldn't as she would probably get offended by it.

Also our future is something that I think about alot, we both struggle for money but a house is something we've talked about a lot in the past. I've recently applied for a job that would pay very well but it would mean being relocated, something she's against. So if I do get this job what happens then....will she move?....do we try long distance?....or do we end it? Or do I pass on something that could change our lives for the better.

I don't want to hurt her as she means so much to me, I've spent so much of my life with her but I just want to be happy. And she does make me happy but puts me under pressure too. Last night she said some really nice things to me out of the blue like "she's really lucky to have me" and that I was "pretty perfect". I felt like **** when she said that because of what was going through my head, like I'm a bad boyfriend.

And if I'm being honest I'm genuinely afraid of being alone, I don't want throw away a relationship with the only woman I've ever truly loved. But part of me is thinking just because I love her doesn't mean we are right for eachother.

Between the different career options, my friendship with this gay girl that's made me question my relationship and just where I'm at in general I'm one big ball of anxiety. It's genuinely getting to me to the point where I'm not eating, sleeping and feel so down. I'm not blaming my girlfriend or anyone else, I'm just worried how things will play out.

leggo

A very easy way of resolving these feelings is to turn the scenario around: would you be happy if your girlfriend was disconnecting from the relationship, her best reason for staying around was fear of being alone and she was fantasising about a gay guy she could never have ahead of you?

Pretty straightforward when you think about it that way, huh? Break-ups suck, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And the way you’re feeling definitely isn’t the ‘right’ way to feel in a relationship with a long future. You can play this through to its bloody end (it’s close to the point where you’re going to cheat or totally sabotage it some other way tbh), or you can just accept these feelings, trust this is the smart decision and assume everything will work out, because it generally does. The other way has the same outcome but you’ll have done something you regret, irreparable damage and seriously hurt/damaged this person you purport to care about by trying to resist these feelings.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you should go and talk to a counsellor alone and tease out what you told us here? The impression I get is that you've outgrown this relationship but are being held back by the fears most people have when they end things. You're afraid of the unknown, scared of hurting both you and your girlfriend. That's totally understandable. I think your gut is telling you that it's time to move on - both personally and career-wise.

On the other hand, being friends with this woman has shone a light on what's missing in your own relationship. Or has taught you what a good relationship could be like. You haven't been in any other long-term relationships so you don't know. You've been with your girlfriend since she was just 19 - people can change a lot in their early 20s. Maybe now that she's older, she's not the person you fell for. Those two miscarriages you suffered may have changed you both utterly too.

Regardless of what you choose to do, your relationship as it is can't continue. It's not making you happy so either you take steps to improve that or you draw a line under it.

milli milli

. I think your gut is telling you that it's time to move on - both personally and career-wise.

I was about to post something similar OP. It’s hard to end a long term relationship because you’re not just a couple, you are also great friends (probably best friends) and you’re also splitting up with each other’s respective families and friends. Of course you love and care for each other - even if the compatibility isn’t there anymore. It’s a massive upheaval.
You’ve seen through your friend, what a relationship should be (as others pointed out). In your case, it looks like you and your girlfriend have outgrown each other.

Your fear of being alone is understandable but is a bad excuse to stay with someone you’re not compatible with and is unfair to not let your partner find someone more suitable herself either. Especially as she is young and if she wants kids, now would be a good time to part.
Don’t stay with her til early 30s and then decide you’re not suitable - it’s playing Russian roulette with her reproductive options.
So if you care for your girlfriend and her future but don’t see a future with her yourself, be kind enough to let her go.