Separate, but living under the one roof

LegacyUser

I've been with my wife for almost 20 years now, but there is rarely any sex anymore and this has been going on for years. I've initiated counselling and the only time there is change is when I'm clearly at the end of my tether at the emptiness and loneliness of life now without that connection. Legally, we're fully married with no separation or anything like it initiated. She says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, too.

One of the times things changed for a while is when I said I wanted to sleep in a spare room as it was less lonely than being in the bed next to her. But after a while, things returned to this abnormal normal. It's like dealing with somebody with an addiction; they promise to change but each time they think they have you back they revert to previous behaviour. This failure to change but promises to do so only when the relationship is threatened has now created a major trust issue for me. It is I who repeatedly makes the first moves, and at this stage I feel spent and demoralised from it all. There's no wanting for me, and I feel increasingly that I'm just demeaning myself here. I need relief from the stresses of life, and sex used to always be there to give that relief.

Counselling is of no use as she's clear what the issue is. I felt like I was shouting at the wind by the end of it. Everything has been said, many, many times. I cannot afford to move out and start again as we've a big mortgage and young children - and I surmise that, her being the mother, she'd get everything and I'd be stuck in some claustrophobic place toiling in another type of unfreedom. If the finances were not a central issue, I'd move on in a heartbeat because she clearly doesn't love me anymore and every one of us deserve love in our short lives. However, the reality is I'm stuck here in a sexless, loveless marriage (although she would say she still loves me, the absence of intimacy tells its own story).

I, quite simply, need that sexual/spiritual connection that I'm not getting here anymore. It's not a want; it's a need. I've never cheated, nor could I live with doing so. The only way I can see myself being happy in this house, aside from her having a genuine change of heart, is by getting my sexual needs from initiating a new relationship with somebody else but being open with my wife in advance about it. Does this sort of honesty happen in other relations? When all this is over, I want to be able to say I behaved honourably as it would bother my conscience if I didn't.

What can I do? What do people in similar situations do? My heart breaks with the thought of spending the rest of my life like this "just for the kids". This sort of article terrified me as it could be my future. She seems to be quite happy to stay in this relationship for the kids. For me, that's cold beyond words. Life is too short to feel this lonely and unhappy.

strandroad

Separatelives wrote: »

Counselling is of no use as she's clear what the issue is.

So what does she say the issue is?

Do you love her at all after all that, I presume not?

LegacyUser

strandroad wrote: »

So what does she say the issue is?

Do you love her at all after all that, I presume not?

Yes, I do love her and I've only ever seen my life as being with her. If the sex were sorted I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with her. For her, however, everything is about the kids and there's no taking away from any of that time. She's a huge worrier so it's an enormous stress raising them together as everything must be done in a particular way and no matter how many hoops I jump through there will be something else to prioritise over making love to me. Always. And I can't take this anymore.

cannotlogin

Have you said it to her in the same way you have articulated it in your post, as it's very viceral, your frustration and distress are palpable?

Is she aware of the effect this is having on you? Does she know? Does she care?

What are her reasons for avoiding intimacy and sex? Was your sex life ever good? When did it change? Why?

Sorry I have more questions than answers but is she failing to change or address the issues because she knows you well enough to know you won't leave or cheat?

Maybe she needs to realise that the current situation is not sustainable & have a real wake up call.

DonnaDarko09

What age are the kids? You say she’s a worrier - Is it possible she is feeling wrecked with juggling kids, etc and isn’t exactly feeling sexy or in the mood? Have you tried ways to change this if so? Eg bring her out for dinner, organize a babysitter, book a hotel night away?

DonnaDarko09

Also I suggest you both read The five languages of love by Gary Chapman

ginandtonicsky

When did your sex life begin to change? Was it ever regular? And what's her reason for this change - does she simply not have a sex drive? If so, this is something that she should visit the doctor over as it's not normal. If not, is it a case of the attraction not being there anymore?

Have you raised this as being a dealbreaker and the situation being untenable for you - to the point that the only solution you can see is having an affair? Your wife needs to know this.

Zorya

Sit her down and calmly tell her just as you wrote it here. Speak quietly and firmly, ask that there be no interruption, don't repeat when you get to the end. Just walk from the room calmly and go do something else. If she follows looking to debate or argue say that you have said your piece and there is nothing more to be said about how you feel.

There was a good counsellor who used to write for the Sindo, Patricia Redlich was her name. Perhaps some of her writing is online, her answers to just exactly what you write about. She was firm in holding that sex is part of the marriage agreement and that even if one person is reluctant, tired, stressed, etc, they aught to still make love with their spouse. To do it even if one does not feel up to it at first. She was correct in my opinion. Spouses can't condemn one another to celibacy without very good reason like medical issues.