Dating and timelines in your 30s

LegacyUser

Dating and timelines



This is maybe one for the single ladies, but all views are welcome.

im single and 34. i went through a big breakup at 32 that took a long time to recover from. before that i had lots of flings, short-term things in my 20s but i never met someone that the necessary click happened with til i my ex at 28.

i find dating really stressful. i want the things that most of us want, to find the right person to settle down with. im not fussed about the marriage thing though it'd be lovely, i definitely want to settle down and have kids though. and this is why/ where i find dating so hard. its such a heavy lift, a lot of effort and samey conversations and dates that all seem to go the same way. either a mutual or one-sided 'nice but meh' or i end up on multiple dates, start falling for them and suddenly they fade.

what makes it more painful is knowing what kind of life i want. the timeline kills me. i'll be 35 in a year, lets say i meet someone tomorrow and it falls into place, we develop a relationship, they want the same things etc, lets say at 36 we start trying, then i;m 37 or 38 getting pregnant....possible i know, lots do it, but im having such a hard time with dating that even that kind of scenario seems like a pipe dream.

i also wonder if this kind of internal "panic" im having about it all is affecting my behaviour when i do go on dates. i find it so hard to NOT get excited when i meet and fall for someone but equally those are the guys who end up losing interest in me after a few dates. and thats beginning to hit my self esteem too.

i just cant get my head around it and am really losing hope, which i know is not helping either. how does others cope with this kind of pressure? any advice?

LegacyUser

I'm single and 34. Whereas you only started this at 32, I started a few years before, around 29. I dated with the hope of meeting someone who wanted the same things as me, to find a partner who believed in mutual support, love, trust, being a steady and reliable partner. All I found were guys who wanted a fantasy and got bored after a month or two. Or else just wanted to get laid. I gave up is what happened...I had to accept and have been trying hard to be ok with it over the last year or two...that it just might not happen to me.....

It's sad, and relieving. But it's hard, when I see friends in relationships and see how easy it was for them to have that type of life. They're not better ppl, in fact, a lot of them are v selfish and demanding with their partners..I wonder if that's the key...I also see friends in long-term stable relationships who repeatedly state they don't want kids and tbh it kind of hurts that they have that option and I don't and I badly wanted kids...

So I stepped back from dating completely and am shaping my life for myself now, not in the hope I'll meet someone ...I got tired of hoping I'd meet someone and 'build a life together' and tired of waiting... Most ppl trot out the line 'it'll happen when you don't try' but that also hasn't been my experience so far, but at least I'm happier now I've taken the pressure off to keep trying.

I think it's a great unspoken reality for a lot of ppl and you're expected to be optimistic and totally fine being single, but I've also had to learn it's ok to not feel that way some days, and to try not let it make me bitter/angry

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, have you tried dating somewhat older men?

I've noticed lately a tendency for greater numbers of men not to want to settle down in their 30s. Instead, they're using dating apps to play the field and bed as many girls as possible, behaviour that used to be associated with men in their early 20s.

Men who are a bit older, especially single or divorced fathers, tend to have much more appreciation for what you're looking for and what you can give in terms of commitment, stability, and willingness to be a parent.

sunshinew

Ah I feel for you - same boat here but at 39 so I'm not sure if I'll make you feel better! I actually found it harder when I was your age though as it was just a flurry of engagements, weddings and babies. No matter how great everything else in my life was, the constant enquiries into how my love life was going made me feel like I was being judged as the sad single woman and I felt enormous pressure to find somebody/ anybody to go out with. It led to some really crappy relationship choices on my part too as I wasn't really listening to gut on things.
I've taken a similar approach to doodaa over the last few years. I accepted that life isn't a race and I need to build a life that I'm happy with on my own. I realised that nobody has it all and just because I'm single does not mean I'm more or less happy or successful than the people around me. Some of my friends in relationships are utterly miserable and feel trapped. I feel it's better to be left on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard. The questions on my love life have pretty much disappeared as I approach 40 and people realise their inane "it will happen for you when you least expect it" prophecies are bs. That's not to say it isn't hard - I'd love somebody to remember to buy the loo roll or to cook for. It can be draining doing everything by yourself - but also liberating.
I'm fortunate to not have really been hit hard with the wanting children thing - though nobody believes me when I say that and I get the pitying looks. That's not say I wouldn't have wanted them with the right partner but it's not something that has been the driving force behind my relationship choices. If you want children that is so much harder for you as it can feel like that door closing is starting to slam. I agree with the suggestion to maybe look at the older men or divorced guys though they can be just as fickle. And be upfront about what you want when dating.
and just to give you some hope - A friend of mine got her eggs frozen a couple of years ago- they say it's best to do it before 35 - she said it just calmed her down a bit - she met a guy last year and just got engaged at 38. My other friend is getting married at over 40 to a guy 7 years younger than her... and I've probably had the best sex I've ever had in the last few years once I stopped caring so much about "what this might turn into" ... so it's not all doom and gloom over 35...

lainey_d_123

I'm in a similar place. Spent most of my twenties in 2 long-term relationships and never imagined I'd be single in my thirties, but here I am. Also had a relationship end at 32 and am now nearly 34. I look back to when I was 29 and my longest term relationship ended, and wonder why the hell I was so worried. I had loads of time, but I didn't feel like I did, and this led to some really stupid decisions. Dating lads who clearly had issues, or weren't suitable partners, staying in crap relationships too long because I was worried I wouldn't meet someone else. If I'd just taken a couple of years to date around and enjoy it, I might have ended up far better off.

I think at our age we need to be honest about one thing - we will simply not be able to follow the 'traditional' timeline regarding marriage and kids. I always thought I'd have my first kid at 32 or 33 but it just wasn't to be. I've accepted that I'll be in my mid to late thirties having them, best case scenario, or not be able to have any at all. In a way, it does relieve some of the pressure. Back when I was 29, I knew I could still potentially get married and have kids by 32ish and that put on so much pressure. Now I've already missed that, and won't be able to have kids before the 'recommended' age of 35. That's just how it is.

My way of dealing with it is just to fill my life with other stuff. I'm learning a new language, new skills, meeting new people through meetups, events and hobbies, volunteering, doing sport. Way more stuff than I ever did when I was in a LTR and just came home and ate dinner with my partner every night. I'm still dating here and there but it isn't my main focus in life and I refuse to build my life around someone else, because that's just setting myself up for heartbreak. I hope I do meet someone, but I've realised I'm responsible for my own happiness.

leggo

I find so often people ask what’s wrong with themselves and go to town on their own self-esteem, but will often put absolutely zero thought into the type of people they’re attracted to and attracting, and I think it’s a big factor in this kind of panic that’s becoming more common today. I’ve been guilty of it myself so I say that without judgement btw.

You say that the kind of guys you fall for are the ones that fade. I’m sure that’s very common, but it’s also not ‘normal’ either. People fall for people and it’s reciprocated all the time! You’re probably up the walls thinking there’s something wrong with you...there most likely isn’t. You’re almost definitely a perfectly good potential partner who could make someone happy. But there IS a trend there. So obviously there’s something wrong with the connections you’re trying to make, i.e. you’re attracted to the kind of person that’s going to fade on you, that much is clear at least. That might be a vicious cycle because you may be ignoring people who wouldn’t, perhaps feeling on some level like you don’t deserve that without even realising, then going for these no-hopers which only feeds into that negative cycle and it continues on and on.

So break the cycle. Delve into whatever is causing that pattern, figure out where it started and started to go off-track so you can put it back on. Counselling can be fantastic for this if you hit a wall trying to figure it out yourself. And, in the meantime, try catch yourself and stop feeling like there’s something wrong with you, that this isn’t meant for you etc. That’s all feeding the issue. Do things that make you like yourself more and binge on how cool you are and can be. Do all of that and you may find yourself back on the timeline before you even notice.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

leggo wrote: »

I find so often people ask what’s wrong with themselves and go to town on their own self-esteem, but will often put absolutely zero thought into the type of people they’re attracted to and attracting...

There's a school of thought that says that if a woman is single in her mid-30s, it's her own fault because she attracted to or attracting the wrong kinds of men. But blaming women for making bad choices is only part of the story.

In an age of dating apps and hookup culture, it's becoming harder for women in their late 20s and 30s to find men to settle down with. Some women find that men are only interested in getting laid or in short-term flings. Other women are stuck in casual relationships with partners who seem uninterested in any deeper commitment.

Cultural attitudes have changed hugely in recent decades. More people are avoiding marriage and serious relationships, and are filling the gaps with one-night stands, flings, casual relationships, and friends-with-benefits arrangements.

Dating itself has become a consumerist pursuit. Some men don't want to get too serious with one woman because they have ten more lined up on dating apps.

Of course, this all conflicts with reproductive biology. Women who are at an age where they want commitment and children are faced with a generation of men who increasingly want to play the field and avoid settling down.

Therefore, I think there are a lot of women in a similar position to those who have posted on this thread. It's unfair to blame them as individuals without looking at the wider social shifts.

leggo

Raymond Hallowed Canon wrote: »

There's a school of thought that says that if a woman is single in her mid-30s, it's her own fault because she attracted to or attracting the wrong kinds of men. But blaming women for making bad choices is only part of the story.

Not blaming women at all. I'm a man and said in the first paragraph of the post you quoted that I'm as guilty of anyone as this. Very unfair to make it a gendered debate and to put those words in my mouth tbh.

And let's not make it a case of 'blame'. We're all responsible for our own happiness. We can moan that the world is evil and do nothing but feel better in absolving ourselves of that 'blame', that's a victim's mentality, or we can take that responsibility and do something about it. Deciding to be a victim won't help the OP's situation at all.

silverharp

Raymond Hallowed Canon wrote: »

In an age of dating apps and hookup culture, it's becoming harder for women in their late 20s and 30s to find men to settle down with. Some women find that men are only interested in getting laid or in short-term flings. Other women are stuck in casual relationships with partners who seem uninterested in any deeper commitment.

Leaving it to late 20's to start looking to settle down is "not having the odds in your favour" shall we say, anecdotally based on people at work for example I'd say the majority started dating their future spouse when they were 24-26.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's good to hear some different perspectives. honestly, i kinda wanted to hear "it's not too late!!" and i know realistically it isn't, but i do relate a lot to what people have said here about this new era of dating and dating app culture. ive met men both online and offline, and i've had similar experiences in both avenus of feeling lke i have to "compete" with other women. things can be going well but then the guy gets bored or distracted by someone else. men older than me, men younger than me, men my own age.

i feel like my age comes into play ina big way too. since i hit around 32 ive been hearing "but you dont LOOK 32/33/34" as if im really an old maid and should be disintegrating by this age. even men my own age can express a sort of ageist attitude about my age, its bizarre. im a pretty easy going dater, im not talking nor would i ever talk marriage and babies within those early months but its almost like youre walking around with a big bandaid on your face that says "MID-3OS TREAT WITH CAUTION" and i hate that feeling of not being treated on my own merits and compared to every other woman that guys think they can have because they swiped right on them or whatever.

its just such a dissimilar experience to how it was with my ex - the only man i've ever loved and who just adored me and kept it simple and uncomplicated from the get-go. i wonder if i;ll ever find that again. maybe he was more emotionally available to the fellas im meeting now and i need to do more serious thinking about the kind of man i'm going for and change tactic there, as leggo pointed out.

maybe i do just need to go a fair bit older too. though ive met the divorcees in their late 30s and they can be almost worse - still not over their exes or on the rebound and living the dating app dream or whatever. its hard to know what to do!

LegacyUser

sotiredofthis wrote: »

<snip - no need to quote entire OP>

OP - you're looking for advice

You may or may not meet a partner and land into a timeline that allows you achieve your more conventional wishes. You can't fully control this, you can only create an environment to best allow you achieve this, or an alternative that satisfies you.

Baby - look into fertility & protecting that if it's something your keen in. Maximize options. Consider if you'd be interested in sperm donation & raising a child in non-conventional (but ever more common) way

Partner - create opportunity in your our to meet people. My view is better to try & it not work out then just to Hope a partner lands on your lap. These forums are filled with suggestions to get ppl. Take your pick or not.
Also I find that there are people who just don't fit that well with a lot of other people, do the chances if them meeting someone compatible is reduced. Some people are exhausted after dates because it's like they out on a show/ act a certain way. My advice: early in a set of dates have completely sober dates involving lots of talking & walking. Beach, lake, tour, mountain. Get confirmable & have fun. Do these 'normal things' soon in your dating cycle. Minimize lengthy text)email exchanges & drawn out pre-dating & big gaps between dates.

My advice from someone who did meet a long-term partner when in your age bracket (as they did).

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

silverharp wrote: »

Leaving it to late 20's to start looking to settle down is "not having the odds in your favour" shall we say, anecdotally based on people at work for example I'd say the majority started dating their future spouse when they were 24-26.

Fair enough point, but it goes without saying not everyone meets her future spouse by age 26.

I'd genuinely feel sympathy for any woman in her 30s who is trying to navigate the current dating environment looking for love, trust, and commitment.

I don't have any easy answers for you, OP, sorry. I just want to say that it's not just you. Increasing numbers of women seem to find themselves in this position given how the culture around dating, sex, and commitment seems to have shifted in recent times.

lainey_d_123

silverharp wrote: »

Leaving it to late 20's to start looking to settle down is "not having the odds in your favour" shall we say, anecdotally based on people at work for example I'd say the majority started dating their future spouse when they were 24-26.

Why is it so hard for some people to grasp the concept of 'breaking up'? Or simply not being lucky enough to meet anyone suitable before then? Why are you assuming that people 'leave it' to their late twenties or thirties out of choice? I had a very long term relationship end shortly before I turned 30. This is far from uncommon. I know a couple of people who were even widowed at a young age. Some people are lucky and the relationship they're in at 24 lasts for life. Many aren't. People change a lot in their twenties, and the person who was right at 24 might not be right at 34. Or they might have had an affair and left you, or died. Life isn't black and white.

lainey_d_123

sotiredofthis wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's good to hear some different perspectives. honestly, i kinda wanted to hear "it's not too late!!" and i know realistically it isn't, but i do relate a lot to what people have said here about this new era of dating and dating app culture. ive met men both online and offline, and i've had similar experiences in both avenus of feeling lke i have to "compete" with other women. things can be going well but then the guy gets bored or distracted by someone else. men older than me, men younger than me, men my own age.

i feel like my age comes into play ina big way too. since i hit around 32 ive been hearing "but you dont LOOK 32/33/34" as if im really an old maid and should be disintegrating by this age. even men my own age can express a sort of ageist attitude about my age, its bizarre. im a pretty easy going dater, im not talking nor would i ever talk marriage and babies within those early months but its almost like youre walking around with a big bandaid on your face that says "MID-3OS TREAT WITH CAUTION" and i hate that feeling of not being treated on my own merits and compared to every other woman that guys think they can have because they swiped right on them or whatever.

its just such a dissimilar experience to how it was with my ex - the only man i've ever loved and who just adored me and kept it simple and uncomplicated from the get-go. i wonder if i;ll ever find that again. maybe he was more emotionally available to the fellas im meeting now and i need to do more serious thinking about the kind of man i'm going for and change tactic there, as leggo pointed out.

maybe i do just need to go a fair bit older too. though ive met the divorcees in their late 30s and they can be almost worse - still not over their exes or on the rebound and living the dating app dream or whatever. its hard to know what to do!

There seems to be this weird ageism and sexism that's cropped up fairly recently, where many men in their thirties think they 'deserve' a 20-something woman and refuse to 'settle' for a woman in her thirties. It's quite dispiriting to think that a human being is reduced to basically an object like this, with absolutely no value given to the things being a few years older brings (wisdom, maturity, relationship experience, financial security, to name but a few), but it can't be ignored. I still look extremely young for my age and get a lot of attention when I'm out and about, but I feel like men I meet on apps, where my age is visible, instantly compare me to women who are 25-26 and favour them. Largely because they know women this age aren't looking to settle down and it gives them extra years of living like young people, free of worries and responsibilities like parenthood or buying a house.

As you say, it's a horrible age to be dating. Younger than about 28 and you're considered young with loads of time. Older than about 40 and it's assumed you aren't looking to have kids. Between 30 and 40, people seem to assume you're looking to get married and procreate asap. And TBH so what if you were? Why is it such a bad thing to want to settle down at this age? Nobody seems to make such judgements about men who get to 40 and decide they want to settle down. My ultimate goal is to get married and have kids, but that doesn't mean I'm talking about wedding cake and baby names with every guy I chat to on Tinder. It does mean that I would like any relationship to actually go somewhere. I recently wasted over a year with someone who refused to make any sort of commitment, even minor things like meeting friends/family or planning trips together. I refuse to get into that rubbish again and if it makes me a bunny boiler, so be it. I'd rather be single than treated as an option.

Re your ex, try not to compare everyone you meet to your ex because they will always come up short. I too have a habit of doing this, and sometimes wonder if I will ever meet anyone ever again who adores me the way he did, but that kind of thinking doesn't help. New people might have their own merits and they are different people. Maybe they won't openly express affection and love as much as he did, but they might have their own great qualities. I'd try to take people as they are and basically forget about him.

ginandtonicsky

silverharp wrote: »

Leaving it to late 20's to start looking to settle down is "not having the odds in your favour" shall we say, anecdotally based on people at work for example I'd say the majority started dating their future spouse when they were 24-26.

Looking for a long-term partner is not like buying a car or signing up for a college course. Most people don't "leave it" to any age to settle down, and if they do life tends to have a habit of laughing in the face of those kinds of plans. We're talking about love, compatibility and timing here - not ordering a pizza before the shop closes.

I met "the love of my life" at 21, all plans in place, he changed his mind at 26. Met another one at 27, substance abuse issues forced me to walk away at 32. I love love. I want love. I prefer my life in a relationship. But crucially - with the right person. There's a hell of a lot of wrong 'uns out there. People lie and promise the world and then ghost because dating has become a consumerist activity these days. There's 568 apps for that. People think they deserve the best of the best, despite most people being nothing more than average. People lose perspective.

OP - statistically it's likely you'll meet someone. You can't really control when love comes along. But you can give yourself the best chance. Be out there, physically as well as emotionally. If there's any negative dating patterns set in, deal with those issues, work on yourself and learn to handle rejection - you can face a lot out there. It's mostly never personal. It's just the wrong person. As I mentioned - lots of wrong uns.

If your social circle isn't expansive, make it expansive. Join clubs, be as fit and attractive as possible, don't put up with bs. Look at your network. Who's single? Do you approach? Start approaching. Flirt. Don't bring up the babies stuff - prioritise finding love and you can navigate those shores together. When people get a sniff of an agenda, they do a runner. People want to be loved just as you do, and pressure can be a real moodkiller there.

You'll be grand! In the scheme of things, 34 is bloody young. You'll be 50 and then 60 and wishing you didn't let people make you feel "ancient" when you were still in your stride.

Western Lowland Gorilla

Don't be too disheartened automatically if a member of the male species doesn't reciprocate interest or show any commitment.

Although it might, it doesn't necessarily mean they're not too keen.

Perhaps they could have stuff going on like work and financial stress, which in my experience can literally shut down...completely...any inclination to be dating, in spite of obvious interest being shown.

silverharp

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Why is it so hard for some people to grasp the concept of 'breaking up'? Or simply not being lucky enough to meet anyone suitable before then? Why are you assuming that people 'leave it' to their late twenties or thirties out of choice? I had a very long term relationship end shortly before I turned 30. This is far from uncommon. I know a couple of people who were even widowed at a young age. Some people are lucky and the relationship they're in at 24 lasts for life. Many aren't. People change a lot in their twenties, and the person who was right at 24 might not be right at 34. Or they might have had an affair and left you, or died. Life isn't black and white.

i didnt say black and white, i said "odds in your favor" sure there re all kinds of stories, was it ever thus, there are still choices that people make that will make things more likely or less likely to happen.

leggo

Fwiw I don’t identify with any of the descriptions of single men in their 30’s in this thread...and I am one. I also wouldn’t describe any of my friends in the same situation the way people are.

If you were to generalise an attitude that closest described how lads like myself felt, it would be: happy to meet someone special at any stage, not desperate/rushing either or willing to settle just because I meet another ‘nice’ person who’s single, knowing what I like/dislike well and able to spot it quickly and not particularly motivated by the single life anymore but happy if fun lands on my doorstep. I wouldn’t be delusional about my value thinking there’s always something better out there and am perfectly happy to work at something, but that something needs to make me happy to begin with and you can’t force that. There’s been no conscious ‘choice’ to stay single, I’ve as many weddings coming up as anyone else where a date would be handy! It’s just how it’s worked out.

I’d say all of that is fairly reasonable. So I think some of the assessments are quite harsh and missing the mark considerably.

cannotlogin

Love & life can't be controlled, sone people get lucky & meet someone,others don't.

I'm in my 30s too and was single for a long time. A few years back, I decided to build the life that I would want if single was forever, i.e. having enough hoppies, interests, keeping contact with friends, doing things to create more fun, more opportunities etc.

I have met some one very recently. Really hope it works out but far too early to tell so just enjoying it for what it is until it becomes something more. If it doesn't, I still have a good life to enjoy even without someone special.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best!!