Betrayal or not

LegacyUser

So I'm the first to admit I have my insecurities in my relationship. In love with my boyfriend and together 4 years. We live together too. I found a lot of crap throughout our relationship (adding lots of women to his Facebook and chatting with them, sexting a woman, always checking out any new girls we meet afterwards on Facebook etc etc)... he appears to have stopped this nonsense in the past 2 years or so.. but it left me with huge insecurities. Anyway that's the background but I know I am wrong all the same. I have issues with him meeting his friends without me... he does meet them from time to time but I always need reassurance of where he's going and what time he expects to be home. I just like to feel he cares about me by sharing with me and sometimes I'll ask can I join too. But I do admit that he never gets to simply go off with his friends without telling me or a chat about it...
Anyway we had a few drinks last night and he was getting annoyed about a new couple of friends we made. He met the man for a few drinks and he told me he told the man about our "problems". He told him that I never let him go out himself.. he was telling me as he was annoyed cos he trusted the man and the man didn't tell him any of his problems with his wife.. now I'm so embarrassed as I felt it was my personal insecurities and not to be shared in the pub... does he have every right to tell whoever he wants or did he kind of break our trust? I know I'm wrong for being an insecure girlfriend

Ursus Horribilis

I almost laughed when you asked did he "kind of break our trust"? Because after what you've just outlined to us, it's the very thing your relationship is very short on. Once the trust goes in a relationship, it becomes a cancer that eats away at it.

You chose to continue with the relationship despite finding out what he had been up to. And now it's obvious that you don't trust him one bit. That's very difficult for you and not very nice for him either. Who would want to be in a relationship where you're not allowed out on your own and feel like you're being watched.

Did the pair of you ever go to relationship counselling? I think that's what you badly need.

Yellow pack crisps

Forgive and forget or end it. He treated your poorly. But you accepted the decision to continue the relationship and it’s unhealthy for both of you if you’re controlling him. You may have stayed togeather but you’re not happy. Recognising you’re both unhappy is a good first step.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Due to his past behaviour you to restrict who he can go out with and see and in often invite yourself along, for the purpose of checking up on him.

you would have been completely within your rights to break up with him for sexing other people, and if some of his social media behaviors made you uncomfortable then you should be able to communicate this to him. Though you do sound very controlling there too.

Now according to your post, he has been well behaved for 2 years. but you keep punishing him for the past yes? the trust has not been rebuilt clearly. And the kicker is this doesn't make you or him happy! Do you see that? So you really need to either trust him or leave him.

yes you may need some couples therapy to get past your history, and you will have to reign in your jealousy and controlling habits if this relationship can be made satisfying for both of you. Its dysfunctional at the moment, and if you put your head in the sand, then i cannot see this having a happy ending.

ManOfMystery

You either need to engage in couples counselling to address the trust issue and formulate a plan to rebuild it, or end it. Without it there is no relationship and eventually you'll both be worn done, you by your insecurities and him by the constant nannying and questioning of his whereabouts.

His behaviour was poor in the beginning yes, but it sounds like he's tried to correct that. So you need to correct your behaviour also.

FWIW, my brother is in a similar position at the moment - I went out for a casual drink with him a few months ago (just 2 brothers having a beer and catching up as we don't live near each other, no nightclubs or chatting to girls or anything like that) and his phone was literally pinging all night with his partner asking repeatedly where he was, when he would be home, etc. It's infuriating and wrong in so many ways - it's intrusive, it completely stops him from relaxing, and it makes him feel like a child. And I in turn felt like we were on the clock, despite being two grown men who (within reason) should be able to decide for themselves whether they go home at 11pm or midnight.

I made a half jokey comment to him that prisoners on release have to check in less often with their parole officers, but it's actually scarily true.

Charles Ingles

Surprised he stayed in the relationship as long as he has.
Maybe the talking to his friend was a cry for help.
You say about a betrayal of trust , you don't trust him obviously, not letting him meet his friends or go out is a red flag

dmm82

I cant blame you for not trusting him OP. If my boyfriend was carrying on the way yours was at the beginning there is no way I would have stayed with him, but you did choose to stay so you need to either move on from what he did or move on from him. Life is too short to stay in a relationship where you are not happy and the constant paranoia must be eating away at both of you.

Jackman25

Betrayal or not wrote: »

So I'm the first to admit I have my insecurities in my relationship. In love with my boyfriend and together 4 years. We live together too. I found a lot of crap throughout our relationship (adding lots of women to his Facebook and chatting with them, sexting a woman, always checking out any new girls we meet afterwards on Facebook etc etc)... he appears to have stopped this nonsense in the past 2 years or so.. but it left me with huge insecurities. Anyway that's the background but I know I am wrong all the same. I have issues with him meeting his friends without me... he does meet them from time to time but I always need reassurance of where he's going and what time he expects to be home. I just like to feel he cares about me by sharing with me and sometimes I'll ask can I join too. But I do admit that he never gets to simply go off with his friends without telling me or a chat about it...
Anyway we had a few drinks last night and he was getting annoyed about a new couple of friends we made. He met the man for a few drinks and he told me he told the man about our "problems". He told him that I never let him go out himself.. he was telling me as he was annoyed cos he trusted the man and the man didn't tell him any of his problems with his wife.. now I'm so embarrassed as I felt it was my personal insecurities and not to be shared in the pub... does he have every right to tell whoever he wants or did he kind of break our trust? I know I'm wrong for being an insecure girlfriend

That man was dead right.
Just because he wants to spill the beans on his personal stuff to a "new couple of friends" doesn't mean it should be reciprocated.

.......

A relationship cannot be that one person is the others prison guard.

Sorry, but itll never work.

You have both settled into a massively dysfunctional relationship where there is no trust and no respect for each other.

Seriously - no good can come of living like this?

Who wants to be someones jailer? And who wants to be a prisoner?

Very unhealthy and guaranteed to come to a bad end.

I dont even think him talking to someone about this is a bad thing, and for you to be taking offence at it is ridiculous compared to how you are behaving by putting him in this position to start with.

What you are currently doing is partner abuse. You are isolating him from his friends and controlling who he sees, where he goes and even what he says to people.

Im sorry but you are completely in the wrong here.

Charles Ingles

Definitely think your partner speaking out was a cry for help.
Looks like he has realised he is in an abusive relationship.
No man or woman needs put up with not being allowed to have friends or go out.
Looks like the writing is on the wall .

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I see the OP's point.

It seems that the OP and her boyfriend recently made friends with a new couple. Then the boyfriend met the man in the pub, complained about the OP and talked about their relationship problems, and got annoyed when the man didn't complain about his wife in return.

The man was probably thinking "I've only just met you -- I'm not telling you anything about my marriage or my wife."

Generally, it's a bad idea to go to mutual friends complaining about your partner. That's just putting everyone in an awkward position. Especially if it's people you have just met.

I don't necessarily think it's wrong or controlling to ask where your partner is going and when they'll be home -- but asking to tag along does cross the line there, I'm afraid.

OP, you are clearly not over your boyfriend sexting other women and chatting them up online. You don't trust him due to his past behaviour. So I think you need to talk to him about the relationship -- how serious is this? Does he see you having a future together, or is he happy to have all the benefits of cohabitation while also keeping his options open in case someone better comes along?

Ursus Horribilis

I can understand why the OP isn't happy. I don't think anyone would be comfortable with their OH discussing something like this in this manner. However, it can't be taken in isolation from the elephant in the room. She still doesn't trust him and it has now come to this.

My take on this is that the boyfriend needed to tell someone (he didn't know that well) about this. It's not all that different from the "Strangers on a Train" phenomenon http://dconstruct.doner.com/leveraging-the-strangers-on-a-train-phenomenon/

Big Bag of Chips

There's two very different problems here. One is you and your bf. The other is how your bf sees other people. He made the choice to discuss his relationship problems with a man he has only recently met. And then became annoyed that the man didn't stare his problems.. And then told you!! Looks like the man was right to not tell him anything because it would have gone straight back to you, and possibly others.

Is your bf generally very immature?

You can't help if you don't trust him, but you need to decide, because you both can't go on like this. So do you put it to the side and try to move on. Or do you break up because you're sick to the stomach whenever he goes out, wondering what he's getting up to.