Awkward work situation

LegacyUser

I run my own company and employ about 15 people. There's one lad who works for me who's really good at his job but seems a bit too obsessed by it all and by me in particular and it's getting uncomfortable. I have been quite good to him in the past giving landlord references and so on so I'm sure it comes from a good place of just appreciating me and wanting to be friends but I've barely got time in the day to keep up with the friends I do have much less give this lad whatever he wants from me. It's not an 'in-love' thing btw in case anyone thinks so, he's got a partner and tho someone told me he's bi, I'm sure it's not that. Just more maybe he thinks we're best mates and has boundary issues and is a bit too enthusiastic.

I don't think he has a lot going on. He'll text me every available opportunity about something he thinks I might be interested in. But even then the texts will be unclear and demand a response. So stuff like 'did you see it?' So I have to reply to ask what it is in case it's something relevant if that makes sense. On social media every single thing I put online he'll like within seconds I'm not even exaggerating there. If I put something online late I'll wake up to a notification from him. The team all work off a Google Doc which, if you've used it before, you can work on together and see what the other is doing. It's handy and necessary for what we do but because the formatting can change whenever someone else is working it's nice to just get an hour or two with the doc to yourself to work. But at the same time it's my company so I'm not going to give out if anyone is coming on doing work for me when it suits them for the sake of my peace and quiet. I can't with this lad though, if I'm working on it at any reasonable hour. Within a few minutes of me being on it every time he'll come on and not do any work and I think he's just hovering to see what I'm doing. Weird one but even on my boards bio his name is always there having recently viewed my profile. There's loads of little things like that he just always seems to be hovering in my eyeline if he's not directly demanding my attention. There's also minor issues with his performance. Nothing too big just it seems sometimes like I'm telling him the same small thing over and over and he just seems to forget one day to the next. Then there's a part of my brain that gets paranoid and wonders if he's doing it deliberately just so I have to talk to him but that's probably ridiculous. But the point is I'm so built up biting my tongue about the other stuff I feel like I'm going to explode whenever I have to bring up minor things and I can't let them slide for him but not for others.

The worst part is he's a good little worker at the core of it and I'd probably be his mate if he just wasn't so intense about it, we like a lot of the same things and he's alright to deal with one on one when I need to. But I feel like if I give him an inch of that he takes a mile. Like he's the type of person who can't answer a polite 'how are things?' by just saying 'fine'. He has to let you know how all of the things are always. He does what's asked of him fairly well and is really flexible if we need to change things up on certain projects. I could just not renew him when the time comes soon enough and be done with it, but I'm not sure I'll get a replacement who gives the company what he does. At the same time how do I have the 'you're creepy' conversation and keep that positive enthusiasm for what he does while losing the intensity? Or is this just something I need to put up with as the boss because I'm not sure how much longer I can? If he starts this carry on at the wrong time while there's a buildup elsewhere I'm on the verge of tearing into him and that's not the kind of boss or person I want to be. I also don't want to be mean either. Like I said I'm sure all this comes from a good place and he just doesn't know any better rather than it being sinister. All opinions appreciated but I'd particularly like to hear practical advice from people who've done management or the likes before.

Tiddlypeeps

You need to sit him down and have a conversation about healthy boundaries.

Why are you friends on social media? This shouldn't be the case and you need to remove him.

Why does he know your boards username? You should create a new account and not allow him to know your new username.

Tell him you need to establish boundaries as he is starting to over step, hence removing him from social media, and make it clear that contacting you outside of work for anything other than a work emergency is not on.

With regards to the shared google doc, are you sure he is actually there when you are? I've often seen google docs saying people are online just because their computer is idling, even if the lid of the laptop is closed. It's not a 100% reliable indicator he is actually present, he might just have the doc open in a tab on a computer that isn't fully asleep for whatever reason.

The conversation with him will be uncomfortable, but it will help him in this job and future jobs if he can learn how to more healthily interact with people.

If he ignores the warning and continues to be a PITA then I'd consider trying to get rid of him.

.......

+1 on boundaries.

You need to impose these boundaries. Tell him texting you non work related stuff is inappropriate. Change your boards username. Unfriend him on Facebook or anywhere else.

ManOfMystery

You don't say what age he is but it sounds to me like he's highly impressionable and your relationship has evolved into a kind of young man & his mentor role. Or at least, that's what he wants it to be - forgetting that there's 14 other employees there also.

There could be a million reasons for this - lack of paternal figure in his life, a dream on his part to have a business and do what you're doing, etc - but irregardless, he needs to calm the jets a little bit and just get his head down.

2 things I'd suggest :

Boundaries are hugely important here. In my workplace I'm in a senior role and whilst I have great working relationships with the guys working under me, I do not add them on social media or go on the piss with them or send/receive chit chat messages at night (unless they're urgent work-related ones). One of my colleagues is a Director here and kinda does the opposite - always out with his staff, lots of drinking involved, late night Whatsapp messages and so on. He now finds it difficult to sit them down when disciplinary action is needed, timeliness isn't maintained or work isn't up to scratch. It's important for work colleagues to maintain professional boundaries but even more important for the person in the Senior position to enforce that. It doesn't mean you don't care, but a healthy distance is not a bad thing.

Secondly, despite the fact you're the boss and your team working hard is in your best interests, I would stress to them the importance of a healthy life/work balance and maintaining focus on the right areas. This means not resorting to lots of texts about different things or being on social media at all hours or similar. This could subtly help to steer them in the right direction and try and keep communication to core work hours.

LegacyUser

Great advice so far guys thanks. Unfortunately as social media is a part of our job it’s not really an option to unfriend otherwise I’d have done it ages ago. I wouldn’t have an issue there just this would be noticed at least by him and probably make the situation untenable. It’s last resort stuff and I don’t know if the situation is there yet, I’d need something else to make that necessary.

Text wise I only ever respond when it’s work related now. A lot of stuff we’d coordinate would be via groupchat etc. It’s a friendly team but there’s a professional line I definitely keep, though I did recently have had one person comment to me about this lad and how they always kind of ruin any fun banter that’d start while we’re working on group stuff by needing to be a part of every joke or idea. Again just too enthusiastic more than anything. I’d also be sure about the Google Doc situation. This thread was prompted while I was working on it and thinking how I was actually getting time to myself. Then sure enough 2 minutes later his picture appears in the corner. No work done and just hovered for a few minutes while I worked then left when I stopped. I was about to text him asking what he was doing before he left. I can predict this stuff ahead of time at this stage.

Great advice though thanks and keep it coming.

StinkyMunkey

Sounds like the guy is obsessed with you. That's simply not heathy. Your his employer and he is gone past being over familiar.

Time to lay down the law, he sounds like the type that will need you to spell it out for him.

dartboardio

He sounds fairly young. He might think you're giving off friendly vibes by replying to him.

Maybe start seeing the messages and ignoring and he will get the message.

I will never get into a close 'buddy' type relationship with a boss again, all way too personal and awkard if issues arise as there seems to be certain expectations set

Maybe consider dropping him a message in a 'nice' way if you can that you're removing employees from social media etc or similar

Create a work group chat and keep all conversations there maybe

GypsyByName

It seems a very awkward situation to be honest but it looks to me that he is quite young and maybe over keen. I would sit him down and tell him that you appreciate how good he is at his job and that you really value him as an asset to the business but you would like to give him more of a free rein to do his own thing andtnat he doesn’t beed to be constantly looking to you all the time. Give him some responsibility and tell him he doesn’t need your approval to carry out tasks. Let him sink or swim.

Ursus Horribilis

awkward1 wrote: »

There's also minor issues with his performance. Nothing too big just it seems sometimes like I'm telling him the same small thing over and over and he just seems to forget one day to the next.

This is a way of sitting him down and giving him a shot across the bows regarding his work. Especially if you're polite but distant about it.

I also don't understand why you need to be friends with him on social media. What a lot of people who run small businesses do is run two social media accounts. One for their business and one for their personal life. It looks like it's time for you to do this and to keep all your employees away from your personal account.

And unless you're emotionally attached to your boards account, I recommend you close yours and wait a while before starting up a new one. And then when you do, keep your identity to yourself. If this guy doesn't have new material to stalk you with, he'll gradually lose interest.

Xterminator

Hi Op

he does seem a little over the top, for whatever reason. and the motiviation shouldn't concern you, just the actions that affect you.

however i also think you are over-analysing the whole situation and making more of the issue than it needs to be. i think it has got to a stage where its getting under your skin. and you need to maybe de a little more dispassionate about the situation.

for example.

This thread was prompted while I was working on it and thinking how I was actually getting time to myself. Then sure enough 2 minutes later his picture appears in the corner. No work done and just hovered for a few minutes while I worked then left when I stopped. I was about to text him asking what he was doing before he left.

now i don't really see why this needs to concern you. He didn't do anything that requires your input, or interaction. it didn't affect the team and no boundaries were overstepped. But it clearly registers with you, when in fact it should not really register with you at all.

so like most posters here, when there is a clear overstep of boundaries, i recommend you pull him up on it every single time. make clear that on professional channels there is to be no off topic posting. Be consistent, be firm.

Again have another chat to the whole, team about work life balance and etiquette for out of hours contact, eg only in emergency, or when working on a deadline. Then stick to it & pull him up if he contacts you out of hours for trivial reasons.

In my job we use slack for IM/team work etc. there is an off topic thread, which anyone can not subscribe to, and all non work related stuff goes there, and there only. But by providing a space for that banter, the professional channels are kept clear.

ongarboy

It sounds like this guy doesn't understand social boundaries and nuances the way most people would normally do. The fact that one of your other colleagues also commented about how this guy over immerses himself into every comment, joke, initiative etc suggests he doesn't get the concept of what is appropriate and what isn't socially and it's not just part of the problem dynamic between him and you. I'd be careful that other staff don't start getting too pissed off with him as you'll have bigger problems on your hands with staff retention, morale etc so I think you need to nip this in the bud.

I would hazard a guess that even if you were to make him aware of what he is doing, he wouldn't actually be that put out or mortified about it the way you or I or most people might be if someone had to tell us of some social etiquette we were failing. Because we are more clued into what is appropriate and what isn't, it would probably never get to that stage where we'd need to be told. (not saying any of us are perfect...I know I've said or done the inappropriate thing occasionally...)

I'd recommend saying something along the lines of "hey John, I appreciate your commitment to work and alerting me to things and keeping me in the loop etc but I think when we log off and go home in the evening, we should just refrain from the out of hours communications unless there is something critical that cannot wait until the following morning, otherwise we never switch off from work and that isn't good for any of us. Maybe as well, I know you're sending me a lot of non work related random texts lately as well. Can we look at cutting down on that too as I've a lot going on after work too and can't be juggling everything "

The fact he acts the way he does, he may not get this but maybe a little nudge is what he needs. If he doesn't then you have a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. One thing OP, I get the impression you're trying to be too much of a friendly boss with him. Yes, you can be nice, absolutely treat him with respect and dignity, praise and reward him but you don't have to be his buddy. The fact you are hesitant to call him up when you have to repeat things you've explained to him already is possibly a reflection on your managerial skills. If he asks the same question over, you should be asking him to make sure he understands what you've told him the first time so that when he asks again you can quiz him about why he doesn't understand it if he said previously he did? Explain that this slows down operations if he can't be truthful about whether he understands things the first time or not. This might prompt him to be pay more attention. Also, if you suspect he has free time to linger/lurk on the Google Sharepoint without actually doing work, question him on whether he has enough work to keep him busy. A good manager would not shy away from asking the staff if they are busy enough - cite the fact that you've noticed him on the shared drive without updating it - you may have to micro manager him a little at the start to nudge him into doing what you need him to do (kind of like a performance improvement plan - PIP) . The fact you are not just a manager in a faceless multi-national but rather the owner of your own company means every euro spent on him "spying" on you you and not working is hurting your pocket. Perhaps you need to have regular performance appraisals with your staff with goals and objectives set out at the start of the year followed up by periodic reviews so this doesn't go unchecked.

Maybe check to see if there are managerial courses on dealing with challenging staff that you could sign up for. I'm not criticizing your style btw, we can all improve on how we engage, deal, manage with other people and enable us to get the best out of staff - it would not just address this issue but help your company overall. We are all (or should be) learning something to do better each day.

LegacyUser

Thanks ongarboy some good stuff there. So let me explain a bit about what we do without wanting to get too detailed and giving away identifying information. We'd have projects where we'd actively all work together. Then we'd have individual duties that we can tip away on in our own time. So people are paid their wage then can work or not work outside of the projects they're physically needed for as long as the job gets done in the end. So he wouldn't be wasting any time on my dollar since the extra work is in his own time and staff are more than compensated for the expected amount of time it takes to complete their tasks, which are reasonably split. Some may choose to do extra stuff because they like it. I know I do. So I can't really pull up someone on wasting extra time they put in because that's not a message I want to send out. If another person spent their morning coffee just browsing the doc to get some ideas I wouldn't mind, so I don't want to give out to another person for in theory doing the same, although with the frequency that he logs on within minutes everytime I'm on I know it's different. That's what makes it awkward. I want people to like what they do and even enjoy it to the point that they want to do more of it. We have that and I consider it a success though every decision you make has a positive and a negative since you're never gonna get a perfect world dealing with human error. It's about finding a balance that makes the whole operation tick best so when you have that you think carefully about decisions that may upset that balance. There is something to be said for encouraging a good work and home life balance though. That's a good way to come at it because as much as I want people to love the job I don't want it to become obsessive or a way to get lost and neglect real world issues either.

In terms of being a buddy boss, again it's all about getting the end result for me rather than ticking off a list. There's no right or wrong way to be someone's boss IMO, every company and situation is different. I've managed large staffs and with that you have to come down harder and retain distance whereas with smaller staffs I find building a strong team atmosphere where you care about the others works best, at least for me. Being friendly works in this environment and drives everyone forward, we've a great staff retention rate over the years and everyone dips in and out of everyone else's projects as a result because we all care about the company as a whole because we like and care about each other. We've had people have personal issues or get burned out but not want to leave, so I'll ease up their workload for a while to give them space and they come back better than ever. It's great and I wouldn't tamper with it for the world regardless of what people say the 'right' way is. This style works for this and if it's a case of just one person getting it slightly wrong it's not worth upsetting the balance for everyone else. If anything the issue here is it's that the lad is a bit too enthusiastic wanting to be 'in the gang' and tries too hard at times. Some solid tips here though for tinkering with it.

Also in terms of pulling people up on stuff, it's a creative job which means a lot of the decisions are subjective and ultimately come down to me getting the end result I want with inspiration from the others that I wouldn't have thought of. So where I'd deem him falling short and have to pull him up would be in creative decisions that don't fall into my vision. Again you're talking nuanced levels of balance here. You want someone to feel the freedom to get inspired or else I can do their job and they're useless, while also arriving at an end point I'm satisfied with. It's more about breeding a culture than doing X, Y and Z if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong if I ask someone to do something and they just don't do it or do it lazily I've zero problem pulling them up, that's not what this is. He does the work. It's just that he doesn't seem to learn from direction and will resort back to his own biases and it requires a conversation. My hesitance is caused because I still want him to do the work, just do it right. You can't teach either cop on or work ethic and while one is great the other is not lacking, but lagging with this lad. So again it's more fine tuning and coming down hard on someone is not often the way to reach that end. More often than not it's a great way to get people to want to tell you to **** yourself and discourage them.

Some absolutely quality insight there with the analysis that he mightn't be mortified the way you or I would. I think you're dead right there. Loads to chew on thanks. I hope you get that I'm not arguing with your points above and just clarifying.

Ursus Horribilis

It still doesn't explain why this guy knows your boards ID or is friends with you on social media. You sound like a great boss (can I come work for you??) but that style of management can come back to bite you if your staff don't have boundaries. This guy doesn't and he thinks you're his friend.

LegacyUser

Social media is simple we’d work on a lot of projects on it and have a public side to the work we do and when we started we dealt with everything through a Facebook group whereas we’ve moved to WhatsApp now for group chats. So it’s one of those awkward ones where it could be noticed and I’d be making a thing where there maybe doesn’t need to be one. Boards is both the least worrying and weirdest at the same time. I don’t care cus no negative consequences can come from it but I have no idea how he found that and knows it’s me I’d be private about it cus it’s where I come to procrastinate from work basically and be a regular human while social media is part of work. I also wouldn’t say anything incriminating on here though so I’m not directly concerned with it. But the general level of stalking is really worrying.