I keep bloody mansplaining

CiDeRmAn

I work in nursing, have done for nearly 30 years.
I'm a nurse manager for 11 of those now.
Most of my colleagues and friends are women, but there's a broad spectrum of men and women from all over the world who I enjoy working with and so on.

The problem is I'm noticing I can't help myself explaining things, unasked, all the time when a topic comes up.
Just can't leave a perceived error alone.
I'm sure it's always been there but, for various reasons, I'm more aware of it now.
And I think I sound like an @sshole as a result.

I need to try and knock it off, tbh, and I'm trying.
The vocal equivalent of sitting on my hands!

Any suggestions out there?

There’s no such thing as mansplaining, for starters. Whatever rubbish you’re listening to or watching to convince you of that is problem #1.

You’re in a management position where people *should* listen to you clearly explain what’s required, why and how it impacts of patient outcomes/services/efficiency etc. If there are people showing a bad attitude even passively because they think they know it all already, that’s problem #2.

You know what you’re doing, probably do it very well and likely have years more experience and consequently expertise that your team/staff should benefit from. Don’t be afraid to share it, repeat it, drill it into the people who need to be part of a team, to have a clear, shared understanding of what’s expected from all. Don’t change how you do things. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming people know as much as you’d like them to know. They don’t. They can all learn a lot even if it just refreshes their knowledge about a process/CPG or whatever, and as long as you listen and observe (you do, or you wouldn’t be good at nursing) there is nothing else to worry about. Don’t let your self-confidence waver or undermine your own position as a credible authority on your specialisation. That would be problem #3, the biggest of the lot.

dudara

While I get what JayZeus is saying, you wouldn’t be asking this question if you felt all was OK with your style. As a leader it can be tempting or easy to dominate. But listening to and coaching the team is very important, and there’s a balancing act required.

Have you ever received any feedback from your peers, juniors, seniors about your style? What is triggering you to ask this question now?

ogsjw

JayZeus wrote: »

There’s no such thing as mansplaining, for starters.

100% incorrect.

However Ciderman keep in mind 'talking from 30 years of experience' and 'mansplaining' could not be further from each other conceptually. It's awesome you are conscientious, but beating oneself up is not a pre-requisite of that....

Tom Mann Centuria

Next time you think you've just over explained something, just say "whoops, did I just over explain?" or words to that effect, I'm sure people won't mind telling you if you have, and they'll be more confident to tell you in future. Self depricatingly highlighting your own flaw is another way of getting over this.

But at the end of the day, don't worry, because nurses rarely listen to nurse managers anyway.

Charles Ingles

Mrs ingles mansplains all the time,
I call it nagging

prinzeugen

You are doing nothing wrong.

I am a team leader and repeat stuff at briefings that the team has heard 100 times before.

I do this to make sure everyone is aware of what is needed on the day. I do it because some forgot what they were told or they may genuinely interested in WHY we are doing something not how. One young lady kept asking me questions when they had been answered.

She got promoted recently. I explain everything to my team, male or female and know if something happened to me, they could take over and do the job.

baby and crumble

It depends entirely on what you are over explaining and to who.

If you’re repeating basic instructions unnecessarily- in particular to anything other than junior staff- then yeah you’re probably annoying people.

One thing I’ve learned supervising junior staff in particular if you have to let them realize they need more information. Ok, obviously in nursing it’s not as simple as “let them mess up” because that has some serious consequences but you know what I mean.

If it’s that you’re overexplaining everything, even stuff not related to work or stuff that it doesn’t matter if someone has it wrong then you could try to at least notice when you’re doing it.

I often find (and this is no slight to you op) that the people who over explain thing unnecessarily (the key word is ‘unnecessarily’) do so because of insecurity. I’ve seen it happen to me and others around me. I’ve experienced friends of mine try and explain my own job to me when they work in a totally different field. That is incredibly annoying and disrespectful.

leggo

It’s a pretty positive quality that you’re introspective enough to notice this in yourself and identify that it’s something you’d like to improve. Based off that alone, I’d imagine that this comes across as less annoying that you have it built up in your head as already, to the point that maybe others haven’t even noticed it.

I can be like this to a degree leading a team. It’s more because I need certain info to be at the forefront of their mind depending on what the task and objective is. So the way I try to approach it is to think to myself “Remember they’re not stupid” and adjust how I deliver it as such. The info still needs to be delivered, but if I’m conscious that these are intelligent people who are here for a reason and all I’m doing is ensuring that the right thing is in their brain at the right time, my delivery will tend to follow suit.

Tbh I think the ‘being conscious of it’ element is 90% of the battle here. You are, so trust your intuition and go from there.

LegacyUser

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

The problem is I'm noticing I can't help myself explaining things, unasked, all the time when a topic comes up.

OP can you expand on what you mean when you say when a topic comes up...do you mean work related or general chat topics? Like if people are sitting in the break room chatting about something do you jump in to explain something related to it unasked? If you find yourself doing that then you need to just try some simple exercise like counting to 10 before making a comment.

If you find it's only work related again context is everything, do you repeat instructions every time someone is doing a procedure or are you jumping in to explain things before people have a chance to speak themselves? If you are just repeating instructions it might be annoying to more senior staff but not harming anyone but if your jumping in to conversations unasked you might be hindering some staff's development as they aren't being given the chance to figure things out for themselves.

Do you have any sort of feedback system in place for training/management? Is there a reason you've become more aware of doing this recently ie have some staff complained or you feel they look frustrated with you? If you are a manager you should be able to sit with at least your senior staff if not all your staff and ask how people find training and development. Don't ask directly if they find your management style as people might not feel comfortable speaking up to management but take this as an opportunity to improve training overall.

CiDeRmAn

It's a bit of both work stuff and break room stuff.
I'm in compliance and it ends up with a lot of explaining, sometimes I lose the run of myself and open cans of worms best left firmly closed.
The break room is just a bad bad habit, someone brought up a two stroke engine the other day and I couldn't help myself, that said people did laugh at my having fought the urge to comment for the count of twenty!

Thanks for the advice everyone,
It's much appreciated.
Even at 47 I'm trying to be a better colleague, friend and manager, every day is a school day!

sporina

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

It's a bit of both work stuff and break room stuff.
I'm in compliance and it ends up with a lot of explaining, sometimes I lose the run of myself and open cans of worms best left firmly closed.
The break room is just a bad bad habit, someone brought up a two stroke engine the other day and I couldn't help myself, that said people did laugh at my having fought the urge to comment for the count of twenty!

Thanks for the advice everyone,
It's much appreciated.
Even at 47 I'm trying to be a better colleague, friend and manager, every day is a school day!

just out of curiosity - do you feel that you do "this" outside of work? ie with your family/friends?

strandroad

Mansplaining is a very specific scenario and it doesn't feel like it's what you're doing here. I had aspects of my job explained to me more than once, and in a patronising manner, even after I say "yes that's what I do at work", because somehow it doesn't register that women do certain jobs too these days. Incorrectly too, which really adds to the experience :rolleyes:

But you might simply have a bit of a teacher on autopilot vibe going on and if you feel that you're constantly expressing without really adding value and possibly wasting someone's time, allow them to lead the conversation instead and only provide answers when needed. Your knowledge should be appreciated but perhaps you can deploy it better. I would also ask a trusted person to observe your conversation patterns for a few days and give you their honest opinion.

CiDeRmAn

sporina wrote: »

just out of curiosity - do you feel that you do "this" outside of work? ie with your family/friends?

I'm probably pretty invested in work and don't have a body of friends with whom to conduct myself that way.
The mates I do have I probably try to listen to as much as talk.
Family, I have less insight again, I'm pretty sure I'm an arrogant dick with them, being the oldest sibling.
But I've been trying.

Reflection is a pretty powerful technique, but so are my one or two close friends, who happen to be colleagues, and will call stuff out.

As for mansplaining being a construct, no.
I've been around enough blokes locked into macho bull**** within the caring professions, stuff that took a lot of effort to get them out of.
Mansplaining seems part of the same crap.

leggo

Genuinely man...you seem a fairly introspective bloke and like your own worst critic. Actual arseholes don't tend to think of themselves as arseholes: the rest of the world are the arseholes and they're the only one's who see sense. I doubt people see you this way if you're so conscious of not wanting to be perceived as it, it's probably closer to the opposite.

But it's always good to strive for self-improvement all the same, just don't beat yourself up about it. Wanting to improve, learn and grow is a strength you should be proud of.

CiDeRmAn

Thank you, you're very kind.

suicide_circus

if you need to work on your style of delivery and leadership, thats fine. there are are courses you can take for that kind of thing. but just because you work in a female dominant career and in a management role does not mean you are "mansplaining", this is internalised misandry (see the way we can turn this identity politics nonsense in on itself?). do your best, engage in continuous improvement, seek feedback and stop letting your gender define you.

sydthebeat

If they are making errors and you are explaining the right way to do things.... Then that is not mansplaining... They cannot turn around to you and say "I already know that" because the error shows that either they don't know... Or ignored.


Mansplaining is one of the stupidest terms ever to be concocted in these snowflake times

Tacklebox

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

I work in nursing, have done for nearly 30 years.
I'm a nurse manager for 11 of those now.
Most of my colleagues and friends are women, but there's a broad spectrum of men and women from all over the world who I enjoy working with and so on.

The problem is I'm noticing I can't help myself explaining things, unasked, all the time when a topic comes up.
Just can't leave a perceived error alone.
I'm sure it's always been there but, for various reasons, I'm more aware of it now.
And I think I sound like an @sshole as a result.

I need to try and knock it off, tbh, and I'm trying.
The vocal equivalent of sitting on my hands!

Any suggestions out there?

I think I was similar and now and again it crops up here and there.

You're more than likely just changing your attitude happy and content and probably more conscientious.

If what you know about subjects is good enough for you then that's ok isn't it.

I work with women mostly and I'm a guy I listen more now instead of being the "oh wise one"

Banter and wit is my latest phase

mistress_gi

I am also prone to this over explaining! I'm a woman so I guess I womansplain
I am well aware that this is annoying to some people so when I am first meeting people I usually say, look, this is a thing I do, if it's too much please let me know and I'll stop.

Faith

A long time ago, I worked in a busy shop and I’d always try and help out my colleagues as much as I could, even when I was busy. I’d interject and say “What are you looking for?” Or “It’s over there”. I genuinely thought I was just being helpful, but my colleagues often seemed annoyed and would respond with “yes, I know”. Eventually, it was pointed out to be that I was actually being quite controlling and I was completely disempowering my colleagues. Once I realized my “helpfulness” was not helpful, I was able to reign it in. It took time, like breaking any habit, but I started to wait to be asked for help and not automatically jump in.

The fact that you’re reflecting on this is great, OP. Most of us are totally unaware of irritating things we do. All I’d suggest is continue to reflect on why you feel the need to do this, and how it might be perceived by others. It sounds like a combination of enthusiasm and experience, but are people looking to be taught, or looking to have a chat? What’s the tone of the conversation? Let that guide your responses, which will get easier with practice.

Edited to add: there’s something wonderfully ironic about this thread, where the OP is describing their understanding of their experience, and many of the replies are telling them that they’re wrong in that experience. It reminds me of something...

dudara

Off topic posts on the validity of “mansplaining” have been removed. Like it or not, this is a phrase in the common vernacular and we are not debating it here.

The purpose of PI is to offer specific, constructive advice. Please adhere to that.

dudara

DEFTLEFTHAND

You're a 30 year veteran in the industry.

Your experience is invaluable. Share your knowledge whenever and wherever you can.

cloudatlas

I have a colleague who also over explains things that she should know that we all already know and yet she feels the need. It comes from a need to dominate to constantly be present in the minds of others. Now that you are aware of it that should be enough to be able to tone it down especially if you notice people are disengaging with you when you start droning on, looking away, fidgeting etc., Simply decide not to do it.

qwerty13

I’d be with CloudAtlas on this one. But you know your own colleagues / workplace best OP.

I guess how I’d be thinking of it is that if you are seen as one of those people that love the sound of their own voice, people tend to just tune out - and then they miss something you’re telling them that is actually important. So you need to use your judgement in what things really need to be explained / elaborated on.

I’d also examine whether you think you are communicating effectively. Could you be spending too much time repeating things that people already know? Is the important stuff that you should be getting across getting lost in a sea of info?

CiDeRmAn

I would say that in social situations, out and about, I have often found it quite impenetrable and confusing, so rather than dominate with unwarranted conversation I'm often likely to just keep the head down.
Not all the time, mind you, other times I talk as much as anyone else!
I think, maybe, it all has to do with self-confidence and being more aware of that certain "sweet spot" and becoming anxious if you find one's self all at sea.

qwerty13

Just wanted to say that I shouldn’t have used the expression about ‘loving the sound of your own voice’. That was too harsh, and as you are examining your own behaviour in this regard, I don’t really believe you fall into that category.

But through circumstance or habit, you seem to have become aware that you do have a tendency to over explain things. With the best will in the world, it can be quite off putting. But you’re aware of this, and are trying to address it. So that’s a very good thing.

There may be leadership or communication courses in work that could help with this. I get that it’s hard to hit the “sweet spot” - especially as you are trying to break what I gather is a reasonably long term habit. Are you particularly close to any colleagues who would give you honest feedback? (Rather than the ‘oh no, it’s all grand’ type of comment, for fear of offending you)

CiDeRmAn

I'm lucky to have one, and she has brought it up in the gentlest of ways, that's why I feel the need to do something about it.
But I do appreciate your advice, certainly I know enough people "in love with the sound of their own voices" to get that I'd hate to be seen as one of their number.
The job does require a lot of discussion and instruction, as well as constructive criticism, but then I know to dial that back when in a social setting, even when still in work, certainly with the helpful comments here in mind.

qwerty13

Great that you have a friend like that! That’s a genuinely good friend, who obviously cares enough about you to bring it up (as it makes for an easier life not to do so).

Are you good at ‘reading the room’? As in if you really watch how others are reacting to you, do you think you could catch the point where things seem to be slipping away from you?

I think it might be worth investigating the work courses on leadership, of some are available. I know they can be a bit tedious / full of the corporate-speak. But maybe they might have some insights. If that isn’t appropriate to you, how would you feel about looking into a private course?

Is it possible that whoever is accusing you of mansplaining is using it as a power play to keep you quiet?

CiDeRmAn

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

I would say that in social situations, out and about, I have often found it quite impenetrable and confusing, so rather than dominate with unwarranted conversation I'm often likely to just keep the head down.
Not all the time, mind you, other times I talk as much as anyone else!
I think, maybe, it all has to do with self-confidence and being more aware of that certain "sweet spot" and becoming anxious if you find one's self all at sea.

Have you thought about the possibility you are on the autism spectrum? My wife could have written this post and she was recently diagnosed. She tends to drone on about a particular topic too and hates group social situations. On the other hand she is fantastic at public speaking for the same reason.

CiDeRmAn

Deleted User wrote: »

Have you thought about the possibility you are on the autism spectrum? My wife could have written this post and she was recently diagnosed. She tends to drone on about a particular topic too and hates group social situations. On the other hand she is fantastic at public speaking for the same reason.

Not that I want to get into it, but that is more than likely the case.
Social rules are an absolute nightmare, not that you can't learn them, but that it is more of a directed effort on my part to learn them, rather than innately through play.
Ironic then that my career is in the field of intellectual disability and I have worked supporting people on the spectrum for the past 33 years, before I even became a nurse!
My son is formally diagnosed, with a lot of his challenges in the social sphere, as well as some dispraxia.
My training actually came in very handy for doing task analysis and other measures, seeing as OT was pretty useless, all in all.

lainey_d_123

CiDeRmAn wrote: »

Not that I want to get into it, but that is more than likely the case.
Social rules are an absolute nightmare, not that you can't learn them, but that it is more of a directed effort on my part to learn them, rather than innately through play.
Ironic then that my career is in the field of intellectual disability and I have worked supporting people on the spectrum for the past 33 years, before I even became a nurse!
My son is formally diagnosed, with a lot of his challenges in the social sphere, as well as some dispraxia.
My training actually came in very handy for doing task analysis and other measures, seeing as OT was pretty useless, all in all.

Yes, 'autism' was jumping out at me from the very first post. I'm on the spectrum as well, so totally identify with people getting irritated and you not fully understanding why. I was told all my life I was too quiet and I needed to talk more, so I started talking more, then I was accused of dominating conversations. I felt so angry and bitter that the same people who wouldn't let me be when I was being myself were then being mean and critical when I *did* try to contribute, but unfortunately many neurotypical people just don't get it. They don't get how hurtful it is to criticise when you're trying so, so hard to fit in.

You don't come across as arrogant or mansplainy, tbh. You seem really self-aware. I've found that people with aspergers or otherwise on the spectrum can come across as patronising when they're really just enthusiastic about a topic and trying to convey that to others. Is this the case?

CiDeRmAn

I'm usually called on, from all parts, to sort out tech issues in the hospital, despite only really being slightly better at Googling then other people.
Nevertheless I can appear patronising, but only when I'm actually showing someone the steps to sort their issue out!
If I just sit in and do it myself no problem, though I figured people would prefer to be able to learn and fix it themselves.
Seems not!
It was pointed out by a good friend after I sorted her PC, she said that it could sound a little patronising but she understood that wasn't the intent...

So confusing!