New date, is this normal?

LegacyUser

Started dating someone, we're both in our 30's. Its very new, met through mutual acquaintances, swapped contact deets and messaged each other back and fort before arranging a first date.
Date went well, there was a click between us and they seemed nice, genuine, open, down to earth etc. They made it clear they're looking for a relationship and not seeing anyone else, I appreciate that honesty and also said I wasn't currently seeing anyone.

Since the date the messages from them have become very full on to the point im almost completely turned off.
They're jumping miles ahead and have already made comments about us being meant to be, they're texting me all day every day, want to meet up all the time, sending love hearts and kissing emojis in texts etc, divulged personal info about their family problems out of the blue and without being asked.. I don't mind anyone sharing their problems with me but we've only had one date, I haven't shared anything of the sort and have responded very neutrally to the intense messages, sometimes not replying at all.

I like taking things slow, get to know someone first, build up trust and then go from there.
I would like a relationship if the right person came along but I don't 'need' a relationship, wont jump into one for the sake of it, I would be the type to take relationships seriously, wont put a name on anything unless im certain I like the person and know a good bit about them etc.

I haven't been in a relationship in a long while and not sure if this is the normal approach to dating? Im nearly ready to leave this person be now which is unfortunate as I really liked them at the start, as I said, they came across very genuine, open and honest but I feel theyre crossing a line a bit.

Am I over reacting? Should I give them another shot?

woodchuck

I haven't been in a relationship in a long while and not sure if this is the normal approach to dating?

No, it's not.

That's not to say it doesn't happen though - you see this happening quite a lot actually, but generally the advise is to run It's just too full on! For most people anyway. And what you tend to find is that the ones that are super keen like this in the beginning, are the ones to disappear just as quickly.

Personally I'd just try to let him down as gently as you can by text. If they start getting abusive, block them.

Calypso Realm

Newdate123 wrote: »

I like taking things slow, get to know someone first, build up trust and then go from there.
I would like a relationship if the right person came along but I don't 'need' a relationship, wont jump into one for the sake of it, I would be the type to take relationships seriously, wont put a name on anything unless im certain I like the person and know a good bit about them etc.

Your own approach is spot on OP and his is definitely NOT and most people, like you, would be put off. I most certainly would!

In fact, I'm wondering if he's newly out of a relationship? We had a similar thread here afew weeks ago, where after coming on super strong in a similar fashion, the guy faded just as fast. Turns out he was newly separated.

wiggle16

It's very much each to their own, personally I wouldn't like that level of intensity either.

Generally, people start as they mean to go on. If you don't like this level of intensity and are getting put off, I would probably call it a day.

Tacklebox

More red flags than a Cork all Ireland...

As a man who knows men like him, run Lola run....

Sounds like a codependant, or love addiction...

He's in the lumerence stage and he's probably over sensitive and a white Knight...

Run or walk

Xterminator

Hi Op

as this relationship is very new, and there are no established norms, is it not a good time to sit down and discuss?

It could simply be that his/her exuberance is manifesting and that a quiet word would encourage them to tone it down a little? Its not unusual for one half of the couple to be more invested at the start. Its not a bad thing.

so let them know you want to slow things down a little, without hurting their feelings, and see how that suggestion is received. It only becomes an issue if you tell them and they don't dial it back.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, there are way too many red flags here.

You want to take things slowly, while the other person, after just one date, is practically drawing up a guest list for the wedding.

They are showing poor impulse control and no respect for boundaries. Even when you respond neutrally or not at all, the messages keep coming -- which suggests that this is a one-way barrage rather than a two-way interaction.

The pattern of texting all day, every day can itself be a warning sign. It can indicate an unhealthy attachment style. It can even be a sign of a possessive and controlling partner who wants your attention constantly focused on them.

I'd be inclined not to take this any further.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Tacklebox wrote: »

As a man who knows men like him, run Lola run....

People seem to be assuming that the OP is female and the other party male, but nowhere does the OP state their genders.

.......

Saw a great expression regarding this type of behaviour recently - magnesium burners.

Its always a red flag IMO. No one can continue that level of contact. So inevitably there will come a day when it drops off and then you are left wondering whats wrong - when in reality what is wrong is ramping contact from zero to hero immediately after 1 date.

In my own experience men who behave this way are also those who are the type to ghost.

gaelwave

Nikolai Faithful Smorgasbord wrote: »

People seem to be assuming that the OP is female and the other party male, but nowhere does the OP state their genders.

It's so obvious.

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

In my own experience men who behave this way are also those who are the type to ghost.

The same goes for women! :P

gaelwave wrote: »

It's so obvious.

No it isn't. One can understand based upon responses why the OP withheld the gender.

.......

wiggle16 wrote: »

The same goes for women! :P

Absolutely - I am not assuming gender of the OPs person.

I am simply saying that in MY EXPERIENCE (I am a straight woman so my experience is with men).

mistress_gi

Hi OP.
I would like to offer a different perspective.
I'm a bit intense at the start (I know it's a character flaw) not really sure why but there you go.
However I do melow out after a while, and I don't tend to disappear either, if anything, I tend to not let things go, even when I know they are not right!
So if I were you I would have a conversation, they might not even be aware it is making you unconfortable.
Good luck!

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

Absolutely - I am not assuming gender of the OPs person.

I am simply saying that in MY EXPERIENCE (I am a straight woman so my experience is with men).

Aha, sorry. I'm a gay guy so my experience is of men as well to be fair.

Anyway, back on topic!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.
So I went against the advice given and continued to see him, he just came across so genuine and like he was just really interested in me, he was different in person, much more grounded than how he came across in the messages.
Well we continued to date but then all of a sudden the intense messages, constantly asking me to meet up, affectionate messages all stopped. I dont know what happened? He is still messaging here and there and seems to show some interest but I get the feeling that the chemistry is gone for him. We were meant to meet up today but he didnt even mention it, said he had other plans. Said he'd text me this evening, never did.
I was really starting to like him too.

ginandtonicsky

He’s giving you the slow fade after weeks of intense chasing and wooing. Not surprising at all tbh OP. Someone mentioned it up thread - “magnesium burners”. Rushing it and rushing out like no one’s business. Had it happen to me recently.

Hard not to take it personally as dating is so...personal! Bus rest assured this has nothing to do with you. It’s just his style, maybe there’s an element of emotional unavailability / avoidance attachment style or he’s rebounding hard. Again, nothing to do with you and just unfortunate that you’ve fallen victim to it.

My advice would be to cool the jets with the texting and try to get on with things. In my case, I sensed the abrupt change in behaviour and called him on it, asked what was up. Got a totally lame excuse but it gave me the closure I needed to not have my head wrecked staring at my phone & wondering when I’d hear from him. You could try that too, or you could just get on with things and not give this fella any more of a hold on you.

It’s really really hard when you like someone and they’ve got that “seal of approval” thing that can be hard to get today ie he was a friend of a friend. But my takeaway from being in a similar scenario recently was to adapt a “wait and see” approach with the next guy i meet and take things at MY pace, instead of letting someone cross boundaries all over the gaff before I even really know them. You don’t have to get into heavy texting and future plans talk and Xxxxs right from the start, you can be cordial and express interest but not let someone go balls to the wall on you - as is the healthy and normal approach when a relationship is developing.

woodchuck

OP I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. But unfortunately, it's not unusal at all. As I mentioned before, it's usually the ones that are over eager in the beginning that are the ones to disappear just as quickly.

I think just try to use this as a learning experience and move on.

Dial Hard

Someone already referred to my name for these people - I call them Magnesium Flares because they burn incredibly hot and fade just as fast.

It's a repeating pattern with a surprisingly large number of people. You know the signs now, steer well clear in future.

Sleepy

The only question you should be asking yourself here OP is "how fast can I put on my runners?"

valoren

OP you're getting lovebombed and therein lies your 'wtf?' confusion.

The phases go as;

Idealization (i.e. you're meant to be! we're perfect for each other!, constant contact, all sunshine and roses)
Devaluation (i.e. the current phase, the "I'm busy" attitude, hot and cold, he said he'll text you later but no text...)
Discard (i.e. if you follow up about the no-text then expect a message or a series of messages which leads to an end or cutting contact)

SozBbz

Yeah OP if theres one thing to take away from this experience is that if someone comes across that intense again in the future, you'll spot the signs.

Its not malicious in my opinion, but some people (both men and women) are prone to this behavior and it sucks to be at the receiving end of it.

They love being in love. They love newness. They love the excitement of it all. They chase this feeling over and over again.

All they're really looking for is a receptacle for their attentions for the time being. You said yourself, that the levels of intensity were disproportionate to how much time you'd spent together. It didnt feel real because it wasnt real.

I used to work with a girl who was like this in both her romantic and platonic relationships. Always a new boyfriend, always a new best friend. Change was the only constant. There was always intensity (use of the L word in short periods with the boyfriends - friendship bracelets or similar trinkets for each new BFF). Fast forward a month or two and all the intensity would be gone and she'd be distancing herself. And then they cycle would start all over again.

I don't think its gender specific (although I can see how some women who are looking for commitment are more likely to be caught out by it). I'm not sure theres ever any point in raising it with this type of person, just know the signs and avoid it if you ever see it again.

WrigleysExtra

Christ is there anything more off putting that someone who is full on desperate and clingy. My advice is to tell this person you're not interested in a relationship right now and let them be someone elses problem.

HamSarris

Everyone here is like run a mile, red flag etc. (be aware that if your OH described you online you’d probably sound like a psycho as well).

I wasn’t surprised the OP continued to see the guy given the current context of dating where 99% of guys are looking for hook-ups or FWBs. It can feel very flattering for a girl to have a guy fix his full attention on her – a lot more appealing than the typical ‘not into anything serious sure just a bit of fun’ guy.

The probability is that this guy is normal, he’s just engaging in an unusual but increasing common activity online, which I call emotional masturbation. So a guy typically gets off talking dirty to a girl online, sending pics etc. (a dopamine mediated process). But guys at times can get excitement off of emotionally intense texting (an oxytocin mediated process creating a sense of warmth and connection).

When a guy is engaging in emotional masturbation, he’s not talking practically or logically. He might joke about things like buying a house together, what your children might look like, how you’re so unique/talented/special, how you’re the only person to really ever understood him. But he really means none of this, he creating this emotional intensity to create a warm, connected feeling inside, in the similar way a ****boy tries to steer the conversation to make him horny.

If a guy is really serious about a girl, he is unlikely to make himself this open and vulnerable. There will be a natural caution/defensiveness and he is unlikely to accept this girl is the most special girl in the world after one date. The clearest indicator of a guy's commitment is his actual behaviour. Be very suspicious of a guy who is non-stop texting for a week then suddenly becomes quiet when a second date is discussed.