Dating and having no friends

LegacyUser

Ive been seeing a guy for about 2 months and have gone on a couple of dates with him, we usually meet atleast once a week, we'd meet up more only I am the one keeping things at a distance for now due to this friendship issue.
I havnt had a relationship in a number of years, after my previous relationship I took a big step back from dating as it was quite traumatic, I needed to rebuild my self esteem before I allowed myself to get involved with anyone else. I grew allot during these years, ive changed, im much more secure and self assured but the one issue still remains, I have always had difficulty making friends, I have a difficult family history which I wont go into and because of this I was always very insecure and unsure of myself, I was a complete doormat, people pleaser which resulted in my friends treating me very badly and attracting the wrong types of people into my life, even when I knew people where using me or felt bullied I would remain in the friendship or situation as I always felt it was my fault that I was being treated so badly and that im flawed in some way. Being this way over years and years made me extremely defensive around people and afraid to be around them, I spent some time being completely agoraphobic and spent years in my bedroom only leaving to collect my social welfare and buy some food.

Ive done allot of work on myself over the years,had some counselling, started working too and developed hobbies outside the house and although I am still slightly insecure im in a much better place and much more capable of walking away when things dont feel right.

That said, the way the majority of my life has gone, I have very few friends and the ones I have, arent very considerate of my feelings, they dont bully me or put me down or anything but they dont make an effort for me either, they would never show up for my birthday or if I planned a night out they would straight out say no, wouldnt be there for me if something went wrong but invite me out sometimes and arrange to meet me, that said we can sometimes go months with no communication.

The new guy ive been seeing has lots of friends, any time we go on a date in town there are always people coming up to talk to him, his facebook is full of tagged pictures from different friends and posts and comments, he has lots of events planed with different groups of friends over the summer.
I wouldnt mind this so much only for he's mentioned a few times that we should get together with my friends and he'd like to meet them - his single friends have been asking me if I have any friends I could set them up with and he's asked me a few times to invite some of my friends when we've been out. Its awkward as I have to constantly make up excuses.
He's a really nice guy, someone that I could see myself having a proper relationship with and I havnt felt that way about anyone in a very long time. I feel like ive finally started to get my life on track, ive built my confidence - would still be considered shy but 2 years ago I couldnt have a simple conversation with anyone besides immediate family without shaking uncontrollably and losing my train of thought due to nerves. Now im meeting people and this guy actually seems to really like me and I dont want to mess this up but its so embarrassing, I dont want to admit to having no friends and I dont want to put my problems on him either.
What can I do? I would love to be able to make good friends but I dont know how to, especially as an adult, the only people who are open to getting to know me are men looking to date, ive never been stuck for options when it came to potential dates but I cant seem to make friendship connections with other women or platonic relationships. I would consider myself to be a nice person, I have lots of interests just very shy and as I dont have a social circle I find that I dont really have allot to talk about, I spent years hiding from people, my past experiences have been very difficult.

What can I do?

Yellow pack crisps

Congratulations on the work you’ve done on yourself. This is a really difficult problem you have. I suppose nobody wants to share their entire history this early on. Look if he likes you it won’t phase him. I’m not saying you need to share the whole story at this point. Maybe just give him a glimpse by saying you have spent a lot of time prioritising yourself the last few years and have lost contact with friends. If he wants you to expand then do so. You have nothing to be ashamed off, in fact many things to be proud off.

Ricosruffneck

Be truthful.

I have a small group of friends which is fine for me.

My partner has a lot of people in her life. It's not a big issue as she wants to spend most of her time with me. In fact having a smaller circle of friends is a plus. You can do more of the things you want to do without having conflicting schedules or actually having a nice summer going to things without having to commit multiple weekends to weddings etc.

Jenneke87

I understand your predicament. I don't have any friends either (only acquaintances at best) so I've experienced this scenario a number of times. I've always been upfront about it and what caused it (moving abroad, friends drifting away due to distance and different paths in life) and not clicking easily with other people. Their reaction usually tells me all I need to know..

osarusan

Tell him the truth or something close to it. That you don't make friends easily and have had friendships go bad in the past, so don't have close friends.

There's no need to mention the agoraphobia or anything like that yet, but explain the situation. You don't want him thinking that you are hiding him from your friends, or ashamed of him in some way, but you run that risk if you keep making excuses.

EarlyStorms

Don't lie to him, if he's a sound guy and he likes you he wont care how big or small your friendship group is. If he's got lots of mates then there loads of people you could possibly end up becoming friends with if you two stay together long term. If he thinks its weird you haven't got many friends then he wasn't such a great guy after all.

Megwepz

Hi OP, I'm in very much the same boat as you in regards friends. After separating from my son's father 5years ago, the very vast majority 'sided' with him (even though the break up was inevitable and very amicable at the time so there should have been no sides!). Anyway, I have one very close friend and a few work acquaintances. I've been dating a very lovely man for 5months who has a wide social circle and I just told him honestly that I do not. That a lot of them ditched/drifted from me and I've found it hard to make friends since.... it didn't phase or bother him in the slightest, and if it did I wouldn't still be seeing him.
As another poster said, be honest with him about your friends situation and in time, when you're comfortable, be honest with him about your past traumas, agoraphobia etc. If it bothers him, then he's not worth bothering with.