How to let someone down gently?

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short and sweet.

Basically been very good friends with this guy for many years, in fact, I'd probably go as far as to call him my best friend.

He's just dropped a bit of a bombshell that he's always fancied me and would love for us to give things a go.

I really enjoy him and his company and we get on really well, but there's nothing there other than friendship on my end.

I really don't want to hurt his feelings or have our friendship be affected though it invariably will, so I want advice on how to let him down gently.

To overcomplicate matters, I've recently met someone, as in very recently and I think there may be something serious and an actual future with this new person.

I'm in a quandary as to mention that I've possibly met someone or just to say nothing for now and emphasise the fact that we're friends and that's it as far as I'm concerned.

I really like this friend and so want o make things as painless as possible for him.

Ricosruffneck

Pretty simple,

Tell the friend you're currently seeing someone.

It's a easier way than saying i'm not into you. Saves his feelings.

Ursus Horribilis

Ricosruffneck wrote: »

Pretty simple,

Tell the friend you're currently seeing someone.

It's a easier way than saying i'm not into you. Saves his feelings.

Exactly! Nothing says "I'm not into you" as effectively as starting to date someone else.

woodchuck

I don't know, personally I'd be inclined to go down the "I'm just not that into you" route instead of playing the "I'm seeing someone" card.

If you do the latter, the friend might hold out false hope that if you weren't seeing someone else, that you might be with him. You're only with this other guy a wet day, so if things don't work out, then you're going to find yourself back at square one with your friend.

LegacyUser

Ricosruffneck wrote: »

Pretty simple,

Tell the friend you're currently seeing someone.

It's a easier way than saying i'm not into you. Saves his feelings.

And if that doesn't work out with the new guy and the friend suggests giving them a chance what then? OP if this person is a friend then be direct. You don't return their feelings and trying to avoid the issue by saying it's because you are in a relationship etc etc is just kicking the issue down the road. Yes the friendship will change or maybe even end but unless you want to date them the only right approach is to tell them directly now.

LadySkunk

I think you should just let him down gently, tell him you care about him deeply but you don’t have those kind of feelings for him. He’s going to be hurt either way but honesty is the best policy here.

I’ve been in his shoes and it bloody hurt but I’m glad they were straight with me from the beginning, I always held out a little bit of hope they would change their mind but eventually got over it in my own time.

All you can do is be honest and hope that he’s understanding of that and make peace with the fact you could lose your friend for awhile as it may be too painful for them to keep in contact until they move on from their feelings.

Best of luck OP

Gerianam

To be kind to this guy, you can no longer be his friend. He wants more and has made that clear so friendship is no longer possible for now. Nurture your new relationship and let him find someone who will love him. Do not keep him hanging on in hope.

osarusan

Ricosruffneck wrote: »

Pretty simple,

Tell the friend you're currently seeing someone.

It's a easier way than saying i'm not into you. Saves his feelings.

I wouldn't do this. It's just kicking the can down the road and if/when the relationship breaks up, it could happen all over again.


Also, if this guy is your best friend, show him the respect of telling him the truth. If you do end up telling the truth down the line, he's probably going to wonder why you didn't tell him sooner.

leggo

Yeah just to add a +1 to the be direct route. You can do this gently by being like "I've always just seen you as a friend, it'd be so weird to me to blur that line and I'd hate to jeopardise our friendship." That spares his feelings but doesn't give him false hope if this new thing doesn't work out.

Plumbthedepths

If you value your friend, honesty is the best thing. You may lose him but it's still the best thing to do. Giving him possible hope for the future is not fair on you or him. He needs to move on.

meeeeh

I think you should tell him the truth. Two of my good friends were in this situation. She considered him a friend, whe was inlove with her for years. She dated others he moped around, it went on for years and it was hard to watch. They are both married now and still friends (and great friends with their partners) but at the time I felt they shouldn't spend so much time together. He was clearly miserable and almost desperate. It might sound harsh but it was hard to watch my best friend hoping for years for something the rest of us knew will never happen. When he finally got over her he actually met a great girl and he is happily married with her.

You might loose a friend for a while or maybe for ever but don't give him false hope. It will only make him miserable and unable to move on. And your friendship will only work for both of you after he moves on.

Red Lightning

TheSkunk wrote:

I’ve been in his shoes and it bloody hurt but I’m glad they were straight with me from the beginning, I always held out a little bit of hope they would change their mind but eventually got over it in my own time.

Been there man. And when you find out they are seeing someone, it feels like someone has ripped out your heart. Gets easier over time and with distance.

OP, imo the friendship may be over.