General Advise on Relationship

Gonad

Hi everyone.

I am looking for a bit of guidance. Myself and my partner have been together 8 years . We have two young kids. 2 year old girl and 4 year old boy.

We are currently renting and saving to buy . However there is one big issue that is causing lots of stress at home and that is the general cleanliness of the house.

I feel like she doesn’t really care how the house looks. She has never made any effort to do anything with it and I find myself embarrassed sometimes if family comes to visit. I know it’s a rental property but I still would like us to be living and treating it exactly like we will treat our own and it makes me think twice about if I really want to buy a house at all .

I look after the gardens and try to help out a bit when I can . I work full time and she is a stay at home mom to the two kids . I try my best to drop the kids to school and crèche and also to collect them most days when I can to save her having to travel . Then I will head back to work .

I also suffer with in undiagnosed fatigue issue so some days it is very hard for me to even get out of bed but I do every morning without fail . I wish I had the extra energy needed to be able to keep the house in a nice presentable fashion but I don’t and find myself getting resentful with her and it is basically the only thing we even argue about.

To cut the story short I am wondering if something like this would be a deal breaker for many as I feel like if it wasn’t for the kids I would just leave her , that’s how annoying it is to me .

It was always something that slightly bothered me about her even before kids came along but now it’s just really bothering me. Just looking for some advise really

Thanks a million .

dudara

Can you give some more details on the condition of the house, and why you feel it is not presentable?

I ask this because you haven’t given any specifics. All you’ve shared is the fact that you’re not happy with it. It’s hard to know what advice to give you.

shamrock55

Get a cleaner in

Gonad

dudara wrote: »

Can you give some more details on the condition of the house, and why you feel it is not presentable?

I ask this because you haven’t given any specifics. All you’ve shared is the fact that you’re not happy with it. It’s hard to know what advice to give you.

It’s not like one of those houses you see on worst homes but that’s probably because I always try do painting and big jobs when needed

Just the general clenliness , opening some doors and windows and keeping the floors tidy and also a bit of dusting . Don’t think I have ever seen her dust once in my life . It’s just all the little things that shoud be done and they all add up when not done . I know I sound like a right prick and even feel stupid asking for advice about these things but I just find myself getting so resentful wih her lately . When I try talk to her she doesn’t want to know the house is just so cluttered and I find it hard to just relax in it .

I don’t want to totally do her a disservice as she is a great mother in fairness to her but it’s just this one thing that really is grinding me .

Addle

shamrock55 wrote: »

Get a cleaner in

This! If you can afford/sacrifice something for €30/€40 a week, they’re a real relationship saver.

Telly

Your kids are in crèche and she’s a stay at home mom? What is she doing with her time when she doesn’t have the kids?

Gonad

Telly wrote: »

Your kids are in crèche and she’s a stay at home mom? What is she doing with her time when she doesn’t have the kids?

The youngest is in crèche for just a few hours in the morning . Not sure width she does , probably goes back to bed . I know the kids are hard work so wouldn’t begrudge her an hour the mornings . But yes be nice if she used those few hours evening one morning a week to try do something with the home .

Gonad

Addle wrote: »

This! If you can afford/sacrifice something for €30/€40 a week, they’re a real relationship saver.

Do you just ring them and telly them to come clean the gaff ? Do you know any companies that offer just a general clean and can you recommend ?

Addle

Can’t recommend anyone, sorry.
Depending where you live, there may be a company you can contact.
Otherwise it seems to be word of mouth.
And they’re very busy for a reason!

Gonad

Addle wrote: »

Can’t recommend anyone, sorry.
Depending where you live, there may be a company you can contact.
Otherwise it seems to be word of mouth.
And they’re very busy for a reason!

That’s something I never even thought of . Thanks I will do some investigating

Dial Hard

While I'm normally the first to recommend a cleaner where the issue is causing friction, I think in your case it would just be sticking a plaster over a gaping wound and ignoring the reason for the injury. As soon as the cleaner can't come for a week or two for whatever reason you're going to go right back to resenting your wife.

First of all, you need to decide if the house is dirty or just cluttered. Are the bathrooms cleaned weekly? The kitchen daily? What's your hob/oven like? My sister wouldn't see dust if a Were-Rabbit sized bunny jumped out from under the bookshelves but she's "normal" apart from that.

Likewise, what is the clutter? Is it just the normal detritus of living with small children or is it a possible hoarding issue? Clutter drives me mental and it makes it very difficult to clean a room properly.

Finally, why is your fatigue issue undiagnosed? Is it possible your wife would take it a bit more seriously if you had a proper diagnosis?

You need to sit down with your wife and talk this all out with her in as calm and unaccusing a way as possible. Put it in terms of possibly losing your deposit when you move out if you have to. But the bottom line really is that there is no reason a stay at home parent with kids in school/creche can't put in an hour or so a day to keep the house clean.

Yellow pack crisps

Is the cleaning just a symptom of wider issues? A cleaner won’t magically fix everything. Maybe your wife won’t even want one. Have you communicated how much it’s bothering you to the the point that you’re questioning your future with her? Because it’s quite a drastic thing to think if it’s just the cleaning of the house that is bothering you.

Gonad

Dial Hard wrote: »

While I'm normally the first to recommend a cleaner where the issue is causing friction, I think in your case it would just be sticking a plaster over a gaping wound and ignoring the reason for the injury. As soon as the cleaner can't come for a week or two for whatever reason you're going to go right back to resenting your wife.

First of all, you need to decide if the house is dirty or just cluttered. Are the bathrooms cleaned weekly? The kitchen daily? What's your hob/oven like? My sister wouldn't see dust if a Were-Rabbit sized bunny jumped out from under the bookshelves but she's "normal" apart from that.

Likewise, what is the clutter? Is it just the normal detritus of living with small children or is it a possible hoarding issue? Clutter drives me mental and it makes it very difficult to clean a room properly.

Finally, why is your fatigue issue undiagnosed? Is it possible your wife would take it a bit more seriously if you had a proper diagnosis?

You need to sit down with your wife and talk this all out with her in as calm and unaccusing a way as possible. Put it in terms of possibly losing your deposit when you move out if you have to. But the bottom line really is that there is no reason a stay at home parent with kids in school/creche can't put in an hour or so a day to keep the house clean.

Ill answe a few of these

Bathrooms not cleaned weekly no. I often have to take everything out and scold the place and bleach and dust .

Kitchen area cleaned as in worktops yes but there fridge is always manky and the oven rarely cleaned . Only when it gets really really bad

The clutter is just stuff everywhere all the time . Clothes on radiators and over backs of chairs . Kids stiff everywhere . Nothing stored away .

The press that cups and plates are in is always dirty and over flowing and she never buys anything new like new plates or cups ect .

Kitchen table always covered in stuff and crap

We get takeaways a few nights a week also so not lie she is always cooking

heldel00

I could be annihilated for this but if you are a stay-at-home parent, with children in childcare for part of the day, should you really even be discussing a cleaner? I think your partner has a serious dose of laziness!

We have a cleaner but are both working full time. The evenings are still consumed with doing all the day to day bits of housework. Cleaner has the big jobs done for us, which takes off some of the pressure, but we're still doing as much housework as usual.
And that is after a day's work and cooking a dinner 6 out of 7 days a week!

never_mind

OP, if the house is dirty then yes getting a cleaner in might be good but you’d have to broach the topic in a nice way - like saying wouldn’t it be great to get in a cleaner - my friend Shane has a cleaner and he loves it!

If you don’t like something about the house (wall colour, decor) then suggest a trip to ikea to buy some bits and pieces and turn it into a project both of you can engage with and bond over.

I don’t think it’s helpful to assume she has some sort of mental issue... just see if you can change the environment and show her how great it can feel to be ina relaxing, tidy home.

Big Bag of Chips

If the house is very untidy it can seem like an insurmountable task. Especially if she's not a naturally organised person. I was a stay at home parent for a number of years, and our house was never immaculate. I've certainly improved over time, and our house is now bigger with more storage space which certainly helps. But still there are days where I walk in to a room and simply don't know where to even start! It's more common than you imagine and it is very very easy to fall into a routine of avoiding it because doing it just seems so difficult.

The 4 year old boy should now be encouraged to tidy up after himself. I find since my children became old enough to help it has made me more conscious of tidying up. I don't want them to grow up as slobs, and the work load on me is significantly reduced by getting them to do a few jobs, and if I want them to tidy up, I have to set the example and teach them what to do.

She no doubt knows she's lazy and avoiding housework. She probably does wish it could be different, but she just doesn't know where to start, and it's so much easier to ignore it by scrolling through your phone instead. I think you should take a day at the weekend (or a day you don't work) and blitz the house. Together. You'll be surprised at how long it actiually takes to do a full house. But if you can get it to a good base, then she should be able to maintain it.

A cleaner is a good idea, but a cleaner will clean. They won't necessarily tidy up. So they will come in and hoover and wash floors (if they're clear), dust surfaces, clean counters (if they're clear), clean bathrooms, occasionally wipe down paint work etc.

If you can help your partner get it to a good starting point a cleaner would be a great idea, and the cleaner coming in 1 day a week will encourage you (both) to have the place cleared so that the cleaner can clean.

Daisy78

Not sure if I can mention a particular company but I sometimes hire a cleaner from Helpling.com. They offer different packages depending on your budget, weekly, fortnightly, etc. I occasionally book them on a one off basis to do a deep clean (3 to 4 hours). I wouldn’t be interested in having a regular cleaner but every so often is no bad thing, I work long hours and my time is valuable so it is totally worth it. Perhaps you can come to some agreement that she will take on the routine cleaning tasks leaving the bigger jobs to the cleaner?This is one of those things which can really escalate into a bigger issue if not dealt with properly. Anyone who has ever lived in a flat share can testify to that! The problem is that you may have different standards when it comes to what is acceptable, as one other poster put it she may not even see the dirt,general untidiness. She may think that you have unreasonable standards. Either way you need to have a discussion about it and come to a compromise. Given that it is not her permanent home, she may not be as houseproud as if it were her own property and that could be influencing her general lethargy when it comes to cleaning.

never_mind

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If the house is very untidy it can seem like an insurmountable task. Especially if she's not a naturally organised person. I was a stay at home parent for a number of years, and our house was never immaculate. I've certainly improved over time, and our house is now bigger with more storage space which certainly helps. But still there are days where I walk in to a room and simply don't know where to even start! It's more common than you imagine and it is very very easy to fall into a routine of avoiding it because doing it just seems so difficult.

The 4 year old boy should now be encouraged to tidy up after himself. I find since my children became old enough to help it has made me more conscious of tidying up. I don't want them to grow up as slobs, and the work load on me is significantly reduced by getting them to do a few jobs, and if I want them to tidy up, I have to set the example and teach them what to do.

She no doubt knows she's lazy and avoiding housework. She probably does wish it could be different, but she just doesn't know where to start, and it's so much easier to ignore it by scrolling through your phone instead. I think you should take a day at the weekend (or a day you don't work) and blitz the house. Together. You'll be surprised at how long it actiually takes to do a full house. But if you can get it to a good base, then she should be able to maintain it.

A cleaner is a good idea, but a cleaner will clean. They won't necessarily tidy up. So they will come in and hoover and wash floors (if they're clear), dust surfaces, clean counters (if they're clear), clean bathrooms, occasionally wipe down paint work etc.

If you can help your partner get it to a good starting point a cleaner would be a great idea, and the cleaner coming in 1 day a week will encourage you (both) to have the place cleared so that the cleaner can clean.

+1 getting it to a great point together as a spring clean will show her. Sorry, OP, I know it’s tough being a stay at home parent - organising dinners, cleaninf clothes, making beds (bare minimum)- but there has to be a minimum. You work, she should too no matter about gender or predisposition to laziness.

Mousewar

Gonad wrote: »

I also suffer with in undiagnosed fatigue issue so some days it is very hard for me to even get out of bed but I do every morning without faill.

Have you always had this or has it come on since you've had two kids, continued to work full time and had to do most of the housework yourself?

Gonad

Mousewar wrote: »

Have you always had this or has it come on since you've had two kids, continued to work full time and had to do most of the housework yourself?

No the fatigue issue came on out of nowhere years ago . It just has never gone away . Got bloods checked so many times and nothing ever showed .

I wouldn’t say I do most the housework . She does but i would say not to a great standard if you know what I mean . If things get bad in certain room I will then have to do a deeper clean

She says if it was our own house she willl keep to better standard so we will see about that .

zoobizoo

Sacrifice 1 or 2 of your takeaways for a cleaner.

We pay a cleaner 45 euro every few weeks to go over etc and bathrooms ..... keeps things under control.

Mousewar

Your circumstances are very similar to my own, even down to the kid's ages. My house is quite cluttered as well and I'd say it hasn't been dusted in a decade. I don't care though and neither does my wife.
I imagine your partner is doing some housework, I mean she's making the kids' meals and feeding them and then cleaning it all up afterwards. It's tough work as I know from the odd time I have to do it. So, in short, nothing particularly strikes me as your partner taking the piss.
The house being presentable obviously means something to you but very little to her. A cleaner seems the easiest solution. I certainly wouldn't be putting any demands on her over and above caring for the kids and the basics required to keep the house ticking over.
Having said that, you taking the kids to and from creche seems a bit much. That's the only bit that stuck out for me.
A full time job and young kids is tough stuff, look after yourself.

Gonad

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Is the cleaning just a symptom of wider issues? A cleaner won’t magically fix everything. Maybe your wife won’t even want one. Have you communicated how much it’s bothering you to the the point that you’re questioning your future with her? Because it’s quite a drastic thing to think if it’s just the cleaning of the house that is bothering you.

Sorry missed your reply first time . Yes i am actually sick of fighting with her about it. She knows how much it bothers me but doesn’t seem to care . I think she knows that I wouldn’t leave her and the kids so feels she doesn’t need to make the effort tbh .

Gangu

Must be hard for her with your fatigue issues too...