Any thoughts on this, please? What happened?

LegacyUser

Not a major problem in the grander scheme of things, but I'd atill like your input please.

Last weekend, I ran into a friend of one of my exes at an event. I should say I always liked him (great personality, quite funny) as a person but never romantically. Not my type at all. Both 25.

Given we didn’t spot each other until the last 20 minutes, he offered to give me friend a lift home as it’s on his way. No far. I should say at this point, I’d moved house a few months after RL (6 months) ended with my ex about 18 months ago.

I invited him in for a drink and we chatted for a while, him filling me in on all the news re ppl I used to know when I was seeing my ex. I remembered everyone and it was nice to catch-up.

The subject got round to my ex. I’m not sure exactly what I said -something along the lines of telling ex I was sorry things hadn’t worked out between us, or words to that effect! (As when I had time to reflect much later, I realised, although he’d finished it, a lot was MAINLY my fault so for a short while had a few regrets/felt guilty, but had never told ex this, just moved on .) Although I didn’t give the full details ie in brackets, the friend still got the impression I was still smitten and pining for him! I had, had a few drinks though but was by no means drunk!

What upset me most though were the comments he made saying this was not good (understandable if he believed I was still hung up on someone after all this time!) and then something that really stung ‘And someone like R’ meaning my ex! I know I should have asked him but before I could say anything more he got up and walked off, out of the house, home! Bit shocked he did this and have to say this has been on my mind for the past few days! Got me back thinking of my ex again.

I just felt as well like he was saying my ex never really cared for me at all-not something I was aware of at the time. Sort of undermining our relationship. Any thoughts?

woodchuck

OP your post is difficult to follow.

I have no idea how you went from this:

then something that really stung ‘And someone like R’ meaning my ex!

To this:

I just felt as well like he was saying my ex never really cared for me at all

I certainly wouldn't draw any conclusions about how your EX feels about you from that conversation...

Honestly, it sounds like maybe this guy likes you. After all, he did give you a lift home and then came in for a chat and drinks. But then when you started talking about your ex, he might've realised that either you weren't over him or that he was being disloyal to his friend by pursuing you. THAT'S probably why he up and left.

LegacyUser

Thanks Woodchuck for your prompt response.

Apologies if some is hard to follow but was in a hurry when I wrote it. I will try to clarify the piece that hurt me. Basically on the one hand he was acting all 'dissapproving' about being so hung up on someone 'like my ex'. To me, it basically sounded like it wasn't worth it because my ex didn't care or something like that! Of course, maybe it's me and I'm being a bit too sensitive!

Yes, a friend suggested the same thing as you ie he might have fancied me, which surprised me in a way as apart from my having no interest whatsoever, I would have felt the friend had none either! Something both of us understood. It was just a friendly meeting like old times.

leggo

woodchuck wrote: »

OP your post is difficult to follow.

I have no idea how you went from this:

To this:


I certainly wouldn't draw any conclusions about how your EX feels about you from that conversation...

Honestly, it sounds like maybe this guy likes you. After all, he did give you a lift home and then came in for a chat and drinks. But then when you started talking about your ex, he might've realised that either you weren't over him or that he was being disloyal to his friend by pursuing you. THAT'S probably why he up and left.

Yeah, all of this (including the hard to understand part). When you invited him in, he probably thought something was going to happen, then when you got chatting about your ex and how sorry you were it didn’t work out, he likely just left because it was clear nothing was going to happen. Even the “it’s not good that you’re not over your ex” part suggests he’s trying to influence you (awful mate btw). And the fact that all this just led to you thinking about your ex suggests you probably aren’t.

woodchuck

To me, it basically sounded like it wasn't worth it because my ex didn't care or something like that! Of course, maybe it's me and I'm being a bit too sensitive!

I think you're reading far too much into this. It sounds like he thinks your ex isn't worth it: full stop. It's not a reflection on you at all.

Regardless of whether or not this guy fancies you (which I still think he does), you're obviously not over your ex.

Is there any reason you're finding it so hard to move on? I know it can be tough after a break up of course, but at this stage it's worrying that you're still overthinking what your ex may or may not think of you - why should it matter now?

wiggle16

I found it very hard to follow as well. It's not clear at all what happened, I'm afraid.

What I took from the "someone like R" comment followed by him walking out is that he fancies you himself, and based upon your conversation he now believes you are still hung up on your ex, and he's frustrated by that, something to the effect of "I can't believe you're still hung up over the likes of R".

I mean, he gave you a lift home, then came in for drinks. If he started drinking knowing his car was still outside he may not have been expecting to leave that night.... hint hint..... and maybe he thought something was going to happen between you. Then you started talking about your ex. And he got frustrated and his jealousy showed in his comment and departure.

That's what I'm taking from it, but your post isn't clear so I could be way off, but I don't think so. Like woodchuck I agree his reaction means he fancies you - it says nothing about how your ex feels, and yeah I don't get how you arrived at the conclusion that he was saying your ex never cared for you. I don't mean any offense here, honestly, but I think your conclusion is a little self-involved: you seem to think that when he made that comment, the conversation was still about your previous relationship. It wasn't. It was about him and how he feels, I would say. Again, I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it in a "can't see the woods for the trees" way.

In a nutshell, this lad came back to your place and yous had a few drinks. He likes you and thought you might hit it off and have sex. Perhaps this is something he wanted for a long time. You started talking about your ex and he got frustrated and jealous and walked out. That's what it sounds like to me.

Calypso Realm

Agree with all the others here in that this guy most probably fancied you himself and was essentially spurned by your references to your ex. In addition, it may have struck him as well you were only bothering with him as a means of getting closer to him (your ex) again!

All the same all in all, I think he overreacted a bit by walking off like that!

Out of interest, what was your ex like?

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone for the helpful responses, much appreciated!

Firstly, I live at home and although parents (siblings were around) were away, I'd never have someone stay over. In addition, in the old days we were always going back to each other's houses after the pubs closed. Also I'm fairly sure this guy would have known (from my ex) I'm not an 'easy nut to crack' with regard to sleeping with guys early, having ONSs etc!! Frankly, I'm still a bit surprised he did fancy me as I never had that impression before and felt safe with him as a 'friend' only before. That night both of us had very little to drink at mine!

It's not a matter of not being over my ex, I was, but this situation got me back thinking about him again. Due to the way I'd interpreted the friend's comments, it crossed my mind my ex might have been a bit of a player or something etc, wasn't serious about me etc something I would never have picked up the first time round. I believed he liked me as much as I liked him, at least in the initial stages etc. So it was a case of me (erroneously now it appears) finding out he wasn't the same guy I knew at all, so that rattled me a bit! Basically, it was all based on a lie! Jumping to conclusions, i know but that was my initial reaction to the comments, but as I said before I can be a bit sensitive sometimes!

On the other hand, my ex is absolutely gorgeous looking, has an excellent degree and job, is fairly ambitious, quite unlike the friend, who dropped out of uni early (same degree) and doesn't appear to be doing very much. I know ex used to be a bit disapproving of him-lacking ambition etc, like when I'd ask what he was doing, you could tell! I like the friend, as I said he's got a great personality, but I'd never have fancied him in a million years, something I would have thought would have been fairly obvious to him all along!

leggo

OP that entire post is full of assumptions. You assume your ex told his mate you’d be difficult to sleep with (weird conversation for friends to have), you assumed your ex was a bit of a player based on the comment, you assume this lad knew you didn’t fancy him etc.

You can’t assume that stuff, look how confused you are now when those assumptions aren’t coming true. The question is why does any of this matter? What do you want to happen from this?

osarusan

If I understand it correctly, when the chat got around to your ex, he (mistakenly) got the impression that you were regretting the breakup, or still missing the ex, and so he kindly told you that the relationship, and the ex, wasn't worth the fuss.


I think you are hugely overthinking something very simple.

Big Bag of Chips

Here's another one to add to the confused list!

It's unclear what you're actually asking. After all the unnecessary detail I think what you're asking is if he meant your bf never really cared for you, at all.

Is that right?

If that's what you're taking from your conversation, then I think you're definitely over thinking. It's been 18 months since you've been in contact with any of these people. You haven't a clue what's going on now. There's every chance this friend and your ex don't see eye to eye on some things. Just because this fella said a throw away remark that could mean anything, you've jumped to thinking your ex never cared about you.

As leggo above mentioned, you're filling in loads of blanks here yourself and writing an entire story in your head.

I wouldnt even think this fella fancied you. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't but thought he'd at least get the shift. Maybe he thinks your ex is a bit of a knob, and tried to tell you you shouldn't feel bad, you deserved better etc. Typicall enough thing to say to someone feeling bad over a break up.

This is a non-event. Your attention to the minutest of detail in your post could be an indication that you over think and over analyse everything. The fella probably hasn't given a second thought to it, because he didn't actually mean anything specific by it.

Jurgen Klopp

To be honest you really do sound like you are still hung up on your ex and to be honest it is possible your ex is a bit of a knob hence the comment