Sexual dry spell

LegacyUser

I (female/30s) have been dating my partner (male/30s).

From the start of our relationship, when it comes to sex, the default position is him on bottom and me on top. Every time. This isn't a problem per se. Some variety and adventure would be nice but it isn't the biggest issue. The biggest issue is sex is so infrequent. We had sex twice in the past 8 months. The rest of times, when it comes to sexy times, he takes his hand to his penis and finishes himself off. Other times, life is in the way of us both and it's off the table.

We were getting busy with some sexy times at the weekend and I was on top of him, trying to get his penis in and he stopped me and took over with his hand. I am so knocked back by this.

We get on well outside of the bedroom, however the bedroom department is brutal. I think I want to call things a day between us. There is just no passion in the bedroom and I can't see it coming back.

LegacyUser

Man that's pretty hurtful of him...he actually stopped sex with you to jack off?? Did he at least help you get there with something else ie oral or did he literally just look after himself?

leggo

The obvious question: have you talked to him about this?

It's fine if you want to call it a day over a bad sex life, that's a big deal, so if you're there and want to pull the trigger there is the permission you're looking for. It's also possible to reignite passion in a relationship with work and honesty from both partners. But, if you haven't and want to salvage it, now is the time to talk. It may be awkward but so is ending a relationship.

pwurple

Holy majoly. Pushed you off him mid-sex for a ****... Why would anyone put up with that?


Get these two things immediately, if not sooner:
Self respect.
A new boyfriend.

Red Lightning

Has your bf any mental illnesses that you know about? I knew a fella that had OCD and was terrified of an unplanned pregnancy and he was scared to have sex even though he really wanted to.

Purple Mountain

Fear of pregnancy springs to mind.
Maybe he sees it as the withdrawal method for fear of internal ejaculation?
You both need more honest communication.

LegacyUser

Op here. I didn't talk to him about things. I'm still trying to get my head around things. The lack of sex over the past few months wasn't a problem until it hit me recently and now it is.

I would like to save the relationship. It's a good guy. Inside of the bedroom it's bad. How would I approach the topic with him? What do I say?

Xterminator

Hi OP

your not a nervous teenager. what communication do you have in this relationship. im guessing its about as good as the performance in the bedroom?

look if you decide to move on, you do need to make sure you learn the lesson of being able to discuss what you like/dislike and want in an adult fashion with your partner.

if for some undisclosed reason you try to keep this relationship going, no1 on the agenda should be discussing your needs and desires as a couple, as this appears to be the main problem area. If he is not willing to discuss and make changes, then it is pretty much doomed.

Neyite

Aaaannnoon wrote: »

Op here. I didn't talk to him about things. I'm still trying to get my head around things. The lack of sex over the past few months wasn't a problem until it hit me recently and now it is.

I would like to save the relationship. It's a good guy. Inside of the bedroom it's bad. How would I approach the topic with him? What do I say?

You bring it up outside of the bedroom. When you are both relaxed and relatively sober (I appreciate a small bit of dutch courage might be required) Ask him if he's happy with your sex life, if there's something he would change, or if there are any concerns (eg fear of pregnancy like some upthread have suggested) Then talk to him openly about what you'd like to change. Then see where it leads you. That's all you can do really.



Does he watch a lot of porn? Sometimes excessive use can mean that the only way they can get off is through their hands and a deathgrip so they kind of need to detox fully and relearn how to enjoy sex again.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks Neyite

I can't imagine he would be too happy himself with the way things are in the bedroom. Usually whenever there's an issue or a problem with friends or family or any other relationship, my default reaction is to zone out and withdraw into myself. I'm currently in that place now and right now, I don't want to see him or talk to him. I am so knocked back with what is happening and my confidence has taken a dive. All I keep thinking is that he prefers his hand over me and I don't know how we can overcome this. I know talking is the only way out from this but right I don't want to see him or talk to him.

suicide_circus

is he watching a lot of porn?

if he's so used to "self love" that he cant finish any other way that could be the issue. As the saying goes "sex is good but you cant beat the real thing". grim, i know.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Aaaannnoon wrote: »

Op here.

Thanks Neyite

I can't imagine he would be too happy himself with the way things are in the bedroom. Usually whenever there's an issue or a problem with friends or family or any other relationship, my default reaction is to zone out and withdraw into myself. I'm currently in that place now and right now, I don't want to see him or talk to him. I am so knocked back with what is happening and my confidence has taken a dive. All I keep thinking is that he prefers his hand over me and I don't know how we can overcome this. I know talking is the only way out from this but right I don't want to see him or talk to him.

Unfortunately, sticking your head in the sand isn't a viable option as an adult. If you want to save this relationship, or even end it, you have to confront the issue. There are no other options if you want a satisfying life.

LegacyUser

Op here

Porn never came up in conversation between us before. We don't live together. I honestly can't say if he watches much porn. I would be surprised if he doesn't. I had a long think about this. I can't see how he can fit porn into his schedule. Between work, helping his aging parents, and doing jobs around his house. We make time for each other about 2/3 times a week where he stays over with me. I would say if he watches porn it would be occasional.

LegacyUser

suicide_circus wrote: »

is he watching a lot of porn?

if he's so used to "self love" that he cant finish any other way that could be the issue. As the saying goes "sex is good but you cant beat the real thing". grim, i know.

Unfortunately this is usually the case. And the sheer volume of sexual problems it is causing couples is just getting worse. Just look at the amount of similar issues posted here. It may not always be the cause but usually is and the answers here are repetitive in advising on the porn issue.

The problem with asking the question though, is that very few men, none I would say would openly admit to the amount or how often they do, most will lie and say oh no not a problem for me, even if they know the woman won't be offended . And they do not particularly want to give it up. And the result is a very unsatisfactory performance in the bedroom especially for the woman who feels not good enough. Men don't realise the effect it has had till giving it up.

The fear of pregnancy could be another factor. Are you both using adequate contraception?

Seth Brundle

Aaaannnoon wrote: »

Op here

Porn never came up in conversation between us before. We don't live together. I honestly can't say if he watches much porn. I would be surprised if he doesn't. I had a long think about this. I can't see how he can fit porn into his schedule. Between work, helping his aging parents, and doing jobs around his house. We make time for each other about 2/3 times a week where he stays over with me. I would say if he watches porn it would be occasional.

Time can always be found for a quick bit of self-relief. Don't assume it can't!

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Holy majoly. Pushed you off him mid-sex for a ****... Why would anyone put up with that?


Get these two things immediately, if not sooner:
Self respect.
A new boyfriend.

I agree.

Barely sleep together and when you do he jacks himself off. And you want to save the relationship?

You have a low self esteem if you put up with this.

BBFAN

Twice in 8 months??

Sorry OP get out now, there's no future in this.

Ursus Horribilis

Aaaannnoon wrote: »

Usually whenever there's an issue or a problem with friends or family or any other relationship, my default reaction is to zone out and withdraw into myself.

Have you ever sought help with this? Regardless of whether you choose to end this relationship or not, disappearing into your own shell is only storing up trouble for yourself. A time will come, sooner or later, when you will have no option than to deal with awkward issues. Now's the time to do something about it, before real problems land on your doorstep. Perhaps some Cogntive Behavioural Therapy is the way to go?

Going back to your original problem, you can see how running away from it hasn't helped you one jot. It's mad to think that you're willing to get naked and be intimate with this man, yet can't bring yourself to have a conversation about it. If you think he's great in so many other ways, your inability to talk to him about this might mean you're throwing away something really good. On the other hand, if the sex problems cannot be fixed, you can walk away knowing you tried. At the moment you don't know where you stand because your default position is to hide.