Remember the WatsApp Group Chat among men

Flixer

Remember the husband who was speaking to his mates in a WatsApp Group in a vulgar lads way?

We went to counselling, had one session. It was awful, I found myself wondering if it would work, said this aloud but did say we should keep going. He refused to go to a second session and cancelled it. He said it was pointless.

Yesterday I asked him if I could look at his phone, I said that I was worried and that he was chatting to someone online. He refused point blank to show me. He said he wasn't chatting to anyone, but I know he's playing scrabble online with randomers and non randomers. I just have a feeling there's more going on..not a physical affair. He won't unblock me on any social media. Then last night he ended our marriage. I need some good advice

Mr. Incognito

Then last night he ended our marriage. I need some good advice

You wont get good advice on the internet.

I would advise, in this order

1. A decent family law solicitor. Know precisely where you stand with regard to marital assets etc.

2. A Decent Counsellor who is not a friend or a member of family to sound out these issues and look after your help.

3. A good friend to whom you can confide who will not be a gossip. Know that this person's view of your husband will be altered forever but that's a small price to pay for the support you desperately need.

4. Space subject to the solicitors advice.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Honestly, I think you need to accept that your marriage is over and walk away.

From what you posted in your previous thread -- hardly ever having sex, blocking you on social media, calling you the c-word, and now declaring that marriage counseling is "pointless" -- there's nothing to salvage here.

It's irrelevant whether he's having an affair, so don't focus on that. Regardless of whether he's seeing someone else, there isn't any respect, trust, and intimacy in your marriage and there hasn't been for a long time.

You need to end this miserable marriage and find happiness with someone else.

Flixer

I'm heartbroken. My beautiful small kids are going to be heartbroken. My heart is torn in two and I can't breathe for the pain.

Neyite

In order for a relationship to repair, it requires input from both partners. You can't do it all on your own and he doesn't want to.



He might decide the grass isn't greener, and he might come back to you. And if that's what you want, then I suggest that you work on yourself so that if he does, he's coming back on your terms, to a strong independent woman who won't take sh!t or disrespect from a partner. Of course, by the time you get to that point, you may very well decide that you can do far better than this man, so either way, working on yourself is a win-win.



Take it day by day for now. If your appetite is shot, try things like soups or smoothies to get some nutrition into you. Look into counselling for you. Look at the legalities and make sure that you protect your interests and those of your children financially. A journal or diary is great for pouring out emotion into rather than into communication with him. A few months from now you'll look back and see that you got through the tough early days somehow.

Flixer

Neyite wrote: »

In order for a relationship to repair, it requires input from both partners. You can't do it all on your own and he doesn't want to.



He might decide the grass isn't greener, and he might come back to you. And if that's what you want, then I suggest that you work on yourself so that if he does, he's coming back on your terms, to a strong independent woman who won't take sh!t or disrespect from a partner. Of course, by the time you get to that point, you may very well decide that you can do far better than this man, so either way, working on yourself is a win-win.



Take it day by day for now. If your appetite is shot, try things like soups or smoothies to get some nutrition into you. Look into counselling for you. Look at the legalities and make sure that you protect your interests and those of your children financially. A journal or diary is great for pouring out emotion into rather than into communication with him. A few months from now you'll look back and see that you got through the tough early days somehow.

This level of kindness is so welcomed this morning. I'm sitting at my desk and I'm afraid to look up in case the tears plop down my face. Thank you for replying so kindly. More grateful than you know.

Emme

OP whatever you do don't move out of the house if at all until everything is done and dusted. Get legal advice ASAP.

You might not think it now but he has done you and your children a favour. It wouldn't have helped them having somebody with that attitude around.

Goodigal

Flixer. Am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know that horrendous feeling of not being able to breathe and wondering how to go forward. I was there a year ago when my husband not only ended our marriage but told me he had fathered a child with someone. The worst possible ending in my eyes. I cried at my desk, walked through the streets crying on my way to work appointments etc - it's ok to let it all out whenever you want.

You need the greatest support of friends and family and let them take care of you. Your appetite will be gone but you have to keep eating something for the strength to mind your children - I survived on porridge and rice cakes, but hey, I survived. You will get through this.

A year on, I look back on my marriage differently and realise I am so much happier now. Yes, it's chaos but the children keep you going on those low days. And before you know it, you have a new life. Yes, I used a journal to document my feelings and I can see the progress in the year. It's not easy dealing with my ex in relation to managing our children, but I am their primary carer and our little unit is happier now. Hugs.

Purple Mountain

Sending hugs xx

baby and crumble

All I can say is that while your kids may be upset, they likely have known for a while that you guys weren't getting on. I remember being 5 or 6 and hating that my parents were fighting. Even then I'd have preferred them to split and just stop fighting so much and for them to be happy. So try not to worry too much about your children. You being happy separate will be better in the long run than utterly miserable together.

Flixer

Goodigal wrote: »

Flixer. Am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know that horrendous feeling of not being able to breathe and wondering how to go forward. I was there a year ago when my husband not only ended our marriage but told me he had fathered a child with someone. The worst possible ending in my eyes. I cried at my desk, walked through the streets crying on my way to work appointments etc - it's ok to let it all out whenever you want.

You need the greatest support of friends and family and let them take care of you. Your appetite will be gone but you have to keep eating something for the strength to mind your children - I survived on porridge and rice cakes, but hey, I survived. You will get through this.

A year on, I look back on my marriage differently and realise I am so much happier now. Yes, it's chaos but the children keep you going on those low days. And before you know it, you have a new life. Yes, I used a journal to document my feelings and I can see the progress in the year. It's not easy dealing with my ex in relation to managing our children, but I am their primary carer and our little unit is happier now. Hugs.

Thank you so much. What age were your kids do you mind me asking? mine are 3 and 6. The mad thing is that I'm pretty much doing it alone now anyway...like it's easier just to do everything myself than ask him to help. His moodiness just creates a black cloud in our home. I don't know why I feel so scared, there just such a finality about it. I don't know how you coped...and he fathered a child...I'd be devasted. I have to keep strong you are right.

Flixer

What legal advice do I need to get? Christ I don't want to talk to a solicitor right now. Is this really necessary?

Goodigal

Flixer wrote: »

Thank you so much. What age were your kids do you mind me asking? mine are 3 and 6. The mad thing is that I'm pretty much doing it alone now anyway...like it's easier just to do everything myself than ask him to help. His moodiness just creates a black cloud in our home. I don't know why I feel so scared, there just such a finality about it. I don't know how you coped...and he fathered a child...I'd be devasted. I have to keep strong you are right.

Mine were 9 and 6. And yes, I was devastated. It was cruel. Children are very resilient. They just want a happy mammy and like you, the black moods in our home were horrendous and in the end, it was a relief. Hard to say that now. But I was heartbroken, on the floor crying for months. Looking back now, I don't even know why. People say time heals, but it truly does. Look after yourself first, and if you have time to fit in a counsellor, do that. It will truly help you recover. And it is scary, but you will get through it. Hugs x

Flixer

Your reply today helps me feel like I'm not alone...I haven't told anyone yet, I don't want to say it out loud. I wish I could be hugged by someone today for real. Fear is only a feeling...that's all. I can get through it..who am I trying to convince? i will get through this.

forgodssake

I really feel for you . I've been there . You feel as though you can't cope , how will you ever go on etc. Thing is your'e already doing it ! OP you need to take things one day at a time. Just get through one day at a time . I promise in time you will get up one day and you will be so glad that your out of this situation. My home with my kids is a different place completely than what it was . How will your kids ever be happy if your not ?. Kids get on with things believe me . I dreaded telling them we we separating . I dreaded life after it. I'm not going to lie it was really tough at times . But I got through it , WE got through it . Get some counselling . Talk to friends /family . Love yourself , give yourself a break .

Flixer

Everything you write is what I hope and wish for. I'm so grateful to everyone here today, because while the world is oblivious I know that there are those of you here kind enough to tell me that I will be okay. I am strong, I can do this. I just never ever wanted this to happen, who does...it's my worst fear come through. I always wanted to give my kids the 2 parent family and now I can't. He is quite good with them, he's just not good with me or to me. I don't want them to grow up in this negative environment either. We don't fight in front of them, but at the moment there's nothing. Just bad bad energy.

Emme

Flixer wrote: »

What legal advice do I need to get? Christ I don't want to talk to a solicitor right now. Is this really necessary?

If your marriage is breaking up it is advisable to get legal advice.

I advised you not to move out during the process because you could invalidate your rights to your share of the house. I am not sure of the exact situation, you would need to talk to a solicitor to get that information.

shaymc4892

Hi. I really don’t think a solicitor is what you need at the moment. I am in a similar situation at the moment and we are still living in the family house. Though obviously not together. I too never thought that I would end up in this position and spent ages blaming myself for the breakup of our marriage. It was only when I realized that it takes two to tango that I was able to deal with it. We are selling our home and obviously a solicitor is involved but only to do with the sale and hopefully it will end amicably enough. It is pure hell at the moment but we are only a few weeks from going our separate ways. The reason I said that maybe to not to involve a solicitor too early, is because, it does get very frosty once they are involved and Jesus it’s going to be hard enough on you without bringing that on as well. Obviously everyones situation is different and you have very kids as well. I can only imagine that, that is only making it harder.
Genuinely my heart goes out to you and hope you find the strength to get through all this because life can’t stop for you. I keep telling myself that a few years from now I’ll look back and think that life started for me after we separated.

Calypso Realm

I agree with the earlier suggestions to see a solicitor as ultimately you WILL require legal advice on how to proceed etc. While you can listen to the advice, you don't need to act on it straight away. Do you have a friend or relative who can accompany you?

However, in order to get at least an overview of the situation and some idea of what you may need to do, your options etc you could, in the interim always contact CAB in the first instance. Believe me you'll feel more in control as well, as knowledge is power as they say!

qwerty13

I’m not a legal person. But my take on it would be twofold:
1) go to see a solicitor with family law experience, and soon. They can advise you re the do & donts, and your rights
2) no need just yet to go adversarial re telling your ex that you’ve engaged a solicitor

I think the 2 points are v different things. You urgently need to get legal advice re your rights, your kids rights, staying in the family home. You can have that info in your back pocket, should your ex decide to play hardball. Better to be forearmed.

If your ex is completely behaving as though your marriage is over, I’d imagine he is getting legal advice. Yiu really really do not want to be on the back foot about that OP. I really do think you need to get legal advice as soon as you can

Ursus Horribilis

I was about to write much the same as what qwerty13 has just done so I won't repeat it. There is never any harm in having proper information and knowing what your rights are. I get the impression that your husband ended the marriage on a whim. He appears to have mentally checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Your rows on Sunday simply brought things to a head. Once he starts to reflect on what he has done and what the future holds, he could become quite a tricky customer. If he thinks he can stonewall you, bully you and and baffle you with bull****, he might just do that. He might not want to move out of home or pay proper maintenance, for example. Or goodness knows what other unpleasant things. You don't need me to tell you that when couples split, it can bring out the worst in one or both of them.

I know you're in bits and are distraught over what has happened. But please, don't bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. It is hard to pick up the phone and call a solicitor but it's something that you need to do.

Yellow pack crisps

Look legal advice is going to be needed. But this is very raw for you and you need to look after yourself first and build up strength for what is ahead. I can only imagine you feel your life you thought you might have is falling apart. Firstly be kind to yourself, let your emotions out and deal with those first and then when you have clarity in your own head and you feel strong enough to engage in the legalities do so. Don’t think you need to figure this all out as soon as possible, you don’t. Take a deep breath and in your own head and your own time deal with things at a pace that is not going to overwhelm you. This all seems drastic at the moment but one day you will possibly realise it was a good thing. Nobody deserves to be called a cxnt by anyone and especially someone whom you are in a relationship with. In time you will realize that being out of that environment is less lonely than being in it.

Flixer

Oh my god, are you lot psychic? He has started to get downright mean. He told me that he won't be leaving the house until I start contributing financially?!? I'm was on a 3 day week so I could mind the kids, but I went immediately back on a 5 day week on Monday as soon as he said he was ending it. I have a decent salary and I can support me and my 2 kids alone if I have to. It'll be tight, but I can do it. I've decided to look for legal advice pretty much straight away..because I can see he's going to make this difficult.

tara73

Flixer wrote: »

Oh my god, are you lot psychic? He has started to get downright mean. He told me that he won't be leaving the house until I start contributing financially?!? I'm was on a 3 day week so I could mind the kids, but I went immediately back on a 5 day week on Monday as soon as he said he was ending it. I have a decent salary and I can support me and my 2 kids alone if I have to. It'll be tight, but I can do it. I've decided to look for legal advice pretty much straight away..because I can see he's going to make this difficult.

I wonder, do you have close family members or good friends who can support you in this? I think you'll really need this now. If you don't have this, please look up other support (groups) there might be.

But with the finance, yes, I would definitely do that. You said you have a decent salary, so I wouldn't want to live on this mans' money.

Nikki Sixx

Flixer wrote: »

I'm heartbroken. My beautiful small kids are going to be heartbroken. My heart is torn in two and I can't breathe for the pain.

Think of yourself a year from now, you will be well over him, your kids will have adjusted and you might even be seeing new people. But he more than likely has ruined your self-esteem. Your self-esteem will come back though.

Emme

Flixer wrote: »

Oh my god, are you lot psychic? He has started to get downright mean. He told me that he won't be leaving the house until I start contributing financially?!? I'm was on a 3 day week so I could mind the kids, but I went immediately back on a 5 day week on Monday as soon as he said he was ending it. I have a decent salary and I can support me and my 2 kids alone if I have to. It'll be tight, but I can do it. I've decided to look for legal advice pretty much straight away..because I can see he's going to make this difficult.

He has more than likely gone to a solicitor and is acting on his or her advice. I wonder if he was told he would have to pay less maintenance if you were working 5 days than if you were working 3. Maybe that's why he pressured you to go back 5 days. Mention it to your solicitor when you go.

Hedgelayer

Flixer wrote: »

Oh my god, are you lot psychic? He has started to get downright mean. He told me that he won't be leaving the house until I start contributing financially?!? I'm was on a 3 day week so I could mind the kids, but I went immediately back on a 5 day week on Monday as soon as he said he was ending it. I have a decent salary and I can support me and my 2 kids alone if I have to. It'll be tight, but I can do it. I've decided to look for legal advice pretty much straight away..because I can see he's going to make this difficult.

You're doing the right thing, he sounds like a class 1 Narcissist.

He's chip away at you until there's nothing left, these people always like to be on top and in charge.

I work with a guy like that and I remember his partner being an absolutely beautiful woman inside and out, he charmed her, married her two years later played it out for 4 year's.

Now he has her depleted, wrecked looking and hooked on xzanax.
In and out of 5b in Limerick.


We all knew he'd pull the rug from underneath her, when we couldn't guess.
It was inevitable,as he was already lining up another lady. You could see him clocking intrigue with her in work, the old big Jr grin, that dishy Dave sparking smile...

He thought nobody else could see his bull****, actually these people think they're magicians that nobody will notice their deceptive ways.

Everyone is half afraid of them, because they're unpredictable, walking time bomb's.

They also have weird creepy friends, because they need to be better and look like they are empathic.

Like a baddie in a cartoon who wants to take over the world but his side kick is as thick as two planks.

They have an evil laugh too

Ursus Horribilis

No I don't think any of us read tea leaves on the side!
But what many (all?) of us have are people in our circle who've been through acrimonious breakups. This is textbook stuff I'm afraid. Once your husband ended the marriage, he will have started to think about practicalities in a way he hadn't before this. I've no doubt he has been looking at places to rent and has been horrified by what's out there and what he'll have to pay. He will have found out a bit about maintenance and not liked what he heard either. He may have already been to see a solicitor. So really, it's no surprise that he has dug his heels in, refused to leave and has turned nasty. He's not going to leave the house willingly - that talk about contributing financially is just the opening salvo.

I'm glad to see you're going to seek legal advice. Don't neglect the emotional side of things either. Do you have anybody you can talk to about this? A trusted friend? A family member? You're going through a traumatic time and knowing you have someone who has your back is a big help

Flixer

I've got a really good sister who I run things past. I've been good at not giving him any 'lip' or getting thick with him, but the last night I snapped at him. I asked him to help me shower the kids and he said 'when you ask me respectfully' but the thing is I wasn't being disrespectful. Now he's sending me msgs on Wats App that kinda imply that this is all my fault and that if only I'd made an effort none of this would be happening. I've been taking photos of the messages (someone advised me to do this and I'm replying with the word 'ok' becuase I was told if I didn't reply that Id have no way of proving that I wasn't sending him awful texts?"!)

I was feeling strong leaving the house this morning and now I'm hitting a speed wobble at my desk and the tears are building up. It's almost as if when I read all your kind messages, I start to falter.

tara73

Flixer wrote: »

I've got a really good sister who I run things past. I've been good at not giving him any 'lip' or getting thick with him, but the last night I snapped at him. I asked him to help me shower the kids and he said 'when you ask me respectfully' but the thing is I wasn't being disrespectful. Now he's sending me msgs on Wats App that kinda imply that this is all my fault and that if only I'd made an effort none of this would be happening. I've been taking photos of the messages (someone advised me to do this and I'm replying with the word 'ok' becuase I was told if I didn't reply that Id have no way of proving that I wasn't sending him awful texts?"!)

I was feeling strong leaving the house this morning and now I'm hitting a speed wobble at my desk and the tears are building up. It's almost as if when I read all your kind messages, I start to falter.

omg, what a vile indivudual he is. I always wonder how anyone can behave like this when kids involved. you are the mother of this kids and he's the father ffs. Couples break up, that's human, but why letting out this scumbag behaviour.

sending you a virtual hug, you will get through this, you are the strong, decent person in this!

B0jangles

Flixer wrote: »

I've got a really good sister who I run things past. I've been good at not giving him any 'lip' or getting thick with him, but the last night I snapped at him. I asked him to help me shower the kids and he said 'when you ask me respectfully' but the thing is I wasn't being disrespectful. Now he's sending me msgs on Wats App that kinda imply that this is all my fault and that if only I'd made an effort none of this would be happening. I've been taking photos of the messages (someone advised me to do this and I'm replying with the word 'ok' becuase I was told if I didn't reply that Id have no way of proving that I wasn't sending him awful texts?"!)

I was feeling strong leaving the house this morning and now I'm hitting a speed wobble at my desk and the tears are building up. It's almost as if when I read all your kind messages, I start to falter.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to provoke you into snapping and saying awful things so that he can tell himself that he's actually the good guy here, none of this is his fault and he's 100% justified in behaving as he is.



Stay strong, you will get through this.

Flixer

Thank you so much. It did cross my mind this morning that it was provocation, thats why I'm so relculant to put anything into a text message. I'm just trying to breathe and look away when he says mean things.

wiggle16

He's trying to provoke you. Don't engage with it, rise above it and when he won't treat you decently just ignore him. He's going to try to make life as difficult for you as possible so when it does come time to part ways properly you will agree to it on his terms just to be rid of him.

I would be inclined to agree that his wanting you to go back to work 5 days is likely a ploy regards maintenance in the future ("look how much she's making, she's rolling in it, judge!") but I would put that to one side. Don't set yourself up to separate with maintenance in mind regarding your finances (I hope that sentence makes sense...) - he doesn't sound like he'll be the most reliable person in this regard. If you make enough to support your kids and yourself like you say without having to depend on his contribution then keep working towards that.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you but in a year's time you will wonder how or why you put up with this for so long.