Cant cope with my mother

LegacyUser

I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother but she makes it so difficult. I have a brother who she adores, im the only daughter and throughout my life ive always felt like she disliked me, at times hated me, she told me 6 years ago that she hated me and I was nothing but a burden and that I ruined her life. I always knew she felt this way through how she treated me, spoke to me and how differently she treated me from my brother but to actually hear her say it cut like a knife.
Ive never done anything to her and have never understood where this hatred comes from? I know that lots of parents have a favorite child even if they dont like to admit it but they atleast like their other children surely? I have grown up being very much aware that I am last in the pecking order of my family.
As ive gotten older I get on with her better than I used to but this other side to her shows up from time to time and I find it so hurtful. My brother doesnt understand as he has never been subjected to her emotional abuse and thinks im over reacting but he has never seen what she is like with me as she hides it. In front of people she will be relatively nice to me, there may be subtle put downs, speaking over me, answering for me if im asked a question and slightly undermining me but nothing that would make anyone think theres more going on.

Without going into the past too much she has been so controlling to the point where I was not allowed to see friends or leave the house, as an adult I moved back home after leaving an abusive relationship, I had nowhere else to go, she would stand in front of the door to stop me leaving the house to do my grocery shopping. If I did plan a night out or try to meet a friend for coffee she would make it impossible for me to leave, she would start random arguments, hide my things such as clothes I was going to wear and give me endless guilt trips, follow me around the house shouting at me or come into my room to argue, I couldnt walk away as she would follow me, I couldnt say anything as she would twist my words.

Over the years this behavior eventually stopped but by this time I had very few friends left, they didnt understand what I was dealing with and became angry with me for constantly cancelling plans last minute, showing up late or showing up anxious and nervous unable to relax, I would then get endless phone calls from her when she felt it was time for me to come home, if I didnt answer I would be met with another row and days/weeks/months of silent treatment, if I left the house without informing her first the same would happen.
These rows would consist of personal attacks and she would throw things in my face such as bad leaving cert results - I have a postgraduate degree and my leaving cert was 10 years previous.

She would not piss on me if I was on fire, has never offered any help or support either financially or emotionally while my brother had his rent and education funded and bought clothes, computers and gifts yet she would constantly tell me I was draining her dry and I was a burden.
She talks about me behind my back and will often twist stories making me sound like a horrible, ungrateful daughter that does nothing but use her, spend all her money and depend on her like a child. I genuinely cant remember the last time I asked her for money and she ensured I could not be independent through control, manipulation and isolating me from friends and other family members. Ive had her friends, work colleagues and family members question me in the past on how im treating her and asking how id ever manage without her, its like she uses me to play victim, tells people that im the abuser when she is. I cant express how isolated, alone and paranoid this has made me feel in the past, wondering what she is telling people, wondering why her friends and family members are so cold with me, trying to get my life together when she is determined to rip it back down.
I have been dealing with self esteem issues and lack of confidence my entire life as a direct result of her and how she treats me, she has always instilled in me that I am not worth anything, not capable of anything and that im a burden and an annoyance.

There are times that we get on great, mostly in the recent past but then out of nowhere this abuse will start again, or somebody will say something to me and I become aware, that although we've been seemingly getting along, she has been spreading lies behind my back.
I dont want to cut my mother out of my life, that would hurt me more than anything but I cant deal with her treatment anymore, I hate that I cant trust her and she actively ruins my reputation and makes people believe things about me that arent true.

I dont know what to do anymore.

pwurple

Do you live at home at the moment?

I think get some distance would be the best. You seem to be a punchbag for her. Out of sight out of mind?

gozunda

Toxic relationship = leave and remove that person from your life.

Even though it can be difficult, a truly toxic situation may mean it's a good idea to go "no contact" with your mom — at least until she learns healthier ways to deal with her emotions.

https://www.bustle.com/p/11-surprising-signs-your-mom-is-toxic-what-to-do-about-it-8098672

JustAThought

Sounds like an ansolute nightmare & that she is both blaming you for her miserable life & using you as an emotional punchbag for her depression and anger at her own life.

You say she has never given you financial help yet you also say she let you move home following an abusive relationship. Are you still living with her? If so I'd find a way to move out and distance yourself from her. You are entitled to your own life and happiness and living or being close to someone who you would have nothing to do with socially or emotionally had she not been your mother can only continue to be a self destroying & poisonous experience.

Ypu cannot fix broken & at this stage a bit of boundaries and out of home only meetings where you are not in an environment she can control and where there is the general public watching ( cafes) which might moderaye her hatred & adjudicate her behaviour. Along with moving away and granting her less access you you -this might be a good approach.

LegacyUser

Move out, move away, & move on.
You're not child or a teenager; you have control over your life; where you live, who's in it.
Renting/sharing with strangers would give you tonnes more freedom.
There comes a point where it's not all about the big bad person treating you terribly. You are allowing this happen to you. You are allowing this level of interaction. You are letting this toxic person be part of your life. When is enough enough? Get out of there

.......

cantcopewithmother wrote: »

I dont want to cut my mother out of my life, that would hurt me more than anything but I cant deal with her treatment anymore, I hate that I cant trust her and she actively ruins my reputation and makes people believe things about me that arent true.

You cant have it both ways. While she is in your life she is treating you badly and making you feel bad.

You want her to be someone she isnt. Thats not happening. So you need to accept that and move on from her.

It wont hurt you more than anything to cut her out - it will actually be a relief for you not to be treated so badly anymore.

Zorya

Drop all contact. She is ruining your life. Go forth and be happy. Best of luck.

zoobizoo

cantcopewithmother wrote: »

I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother
.

Based on her behaviour and her personality, this will never happen.

For your own sake I would suggest reducing contact to a minimum and see the greater picture of the abuse she has subjected to you and stop holding out for the crumbs of niceness that she drops for you when she wants to.

LegacyUser

She's a narcissist, he's the golden child, you're the scapegoat...research it and keep your distance- cut off the narcissistic supply which is basically any negative or positive interaction

Ursus Horribilis

I've seen other people recommend "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward so I'm going to suggest you read that. I see it's also available as an eBook. I also think you badly need counselling. Lots of it.

Reading a book or going for counselling aren't the same as cutting contact with her. A decision about reducing or cutting contact with her is something you can make in the future if that's what you want. But first, you need to get yourself into a better place. And you need to understand that what you're asking of your mother is something she can't give you.

Purple Mountain

From a neutral but unprofessional view, it would seem she may have mental health issues.
And if so, there's very little in terms of trying to rationale with someone who can be irrational.
Take steps to reclaim your life, start with a counsellor for yourself.
She probably won't ever change or can't change but you can.
Value yourself more and be your own best friend.

Panthro

Sounds like your mum has her own issues. Imagine those issues in one BIG shyt bucket. When you moved home you moved into her sphere, and are knee deep in her shyt bucket.

Best thing you can do is physically "step out" out her bucket of shyt. Move out. Even it means sharing a house with a few randomers.
Id rather be penny pinching and have my sanity over being driven up the walls by someone else.

Your self esteem is probably taking a battering too. So "clean" the boots (I'm going with this anology!) and once they're all new and shiny you can start moving on in your life. Boots are made for walking, not standing still. (OK ill stop the boot anology, hehe!)

Bottom line.. Don't let your mother get the better of you.
Life's too short. Seize the day. Move out and get away from her.

Best of luck.

Fakediamond

As already stated above, your mother is displaying classic narcissistic behaviour and you need to learn all you can about being the child of a narcissistic mother. It will at least explain her behaviour towards you and make it easier to cut her out of your life.

To heal yourself in the longer term, get yourself a good therapist. As Ursus says, she cannot give you what she doesn’t have. Continuing to seek her approval will continue to damage you because you will never get it and it will affect your emotional well-being.

Even if you manage to stop engaging, be prepared for ongoing drama. Get familiar with the terms, golden child (brother), scapegoat (you), flying monkeys (relatives/neighbours/friends), who are all manipulated into believing her version of events.

Graces7

[QUO TE=.......;109911934]You cant have it both ways. While she is in your life she is treating you badly and making you feel bad.

You want her to be someone she isnt. Thats not happening. So you need to accept that and move on from her.

It wont hurt you more than anything to cut her out - it will actually be a relief for you not to be treated so badly anymore.[/QUOTE]

wise words that are striking home too much from memories of my own earlier life. Please, leave? Have a space with no or little contact or just eg Christmas cards. Let her make any advances and then decide. Ignore any other communications. leave the way open to avoid guilt that will be a natural part of the process.

I had to do it to survive. different situations but same basis. and I knew others. One teacher at the school I taught at had a "mother"; if she even tried to go out at weekends the mother became "ill" ....
One dr I talked to described such mothers as "smothers"

You need clear fresh air! Open the door and brave the wind and rain...


Deep breath and leave. Please. Nothing is worse than where you are now. mother/daughter is a deep blood tie. But it has gone toxic and your needs matter now.
NB my mother swore that when I left home she would never have any friends, go anywhere, go on holiday. all my fault.. A few years later you could not find her at home as she joined classes . made friends., went away a lot.

set your mother free too?

Daisy78

You don't mention your relationship with other family members, your father, brother, extended family. Is it good? How do they view your relationship with your mother or is it something you talk about? Is there anything in your mother's background that would cause her to react so negatively towards you, anything traumatic which might have set her off on this current path? What was your relationship like when you were living with your ex?When she says that you ruined her life what reasons does she give to back that argument up? It is quite possible that there is nothing of substance and she is projecting her own insecurities and expectations on to you, her daughter. Toxic mother daughter relationships can be quite common. I also think there is still an expectation within Irish society that daughters should be more family orientated and sons are let off the hook.

Either way the issue lies squarely with your mother. She won't change but you know that already. You need to find a way of having some level of engagement with her (and you have stated that this is what you want) without getting dragged down by her issues. Part of growing up is acknowledging that your parents aren't perfect, they are human and prone to weakness, insecurity and wrongdoing like the rest of us. Move out of that house, even if it is a box room in a house full of strangers. It will give you the distance you need away from her right now. And as someone else suggested it might be a good idea to talk to a professional, they may be able to offer better insight into why your mother is the way she is.

Rainbow Kitty

Hi OP, I could have written that opening paragraph. I have 2 brothers, one older one younger and i'm in the middle but my mother always told me she wishes she had three boys and this is something that has stayed with me all my life. I've suffered with anxiety all my life and i'm sure it's because of the issues and mental abuse I suffered.
When I was 17 I met a guy and got pregnant and looking back now subconsciously I think this was a way out for me as I left the house to live with my boyfriend and haven't lived at home since. She had no interest in my 2 sons but my brother has since had 2 children (girls) and she can't do enough for them.
My mother is 75 now and in ill health, she has mellowed in later years but I can't envisage having any relationship with her which is sad, I visit now and again but mainly to see my dad. I wouldn't spend any more than an hour with them and I regret not having a proper relationship with my dad because of the issues with my mother. I don't think things will ever change for me.
I agree with other posters that you need to put some space between yourself and your mother. Things may change, they may not but you need to concentrate on your own life, put yourself first. I used to think if my own mother can't love me then who will. I've been in counselling and maybe you could try this. It does help.

Graces7

Daisy78 wrote: »

You don't mention your relationship with other family members, your father, brother, extended family. Is it good? How do they view your relationship with your mother or is it something you talk about? Is there anything in your mother's background that would cause her to react so negatively towards you, anything traumatic which might have set her off on this current path? What was your relationship like when you were living with your ex?When she says that you ruined her life what reasons does she give to back that argument up? It is quite possible that there is nothing of substance and she is projecting her own insecurities and expectations on to you, her daughter. Toxic mother daughter relationships can be quite common. I also think there is still an expectation within Irish society that daughters should be more family orientated and sons are let off the hook.

Not just ireland. I am english and the day my only brother died when we were on holiday ( I was 16) someone told me, " A son's a son till he finds a wife. A daughter's a daughter all of her life." My role then was to stay with my mother permanently.

LegacyUser

Another one here with an absolutely awful mother! I remember a childhood of nothing other than constant criticism and put-downs-there was never any praise- emotional abuse, negativity and controlling behaviour. Interesting, I too, was told, amongst other things, I was 'always a burden to her'! She was always trying to drive a wedge between me and my Dad, telling him how awful I was etc. In fact, although I didn't realise it as a child, I believe her behaviour was driven out of pure jealousy in that I was younger, prettier etc. In addition, her vile moods were a constant in the household, where we were on eggshells waiting for something to trigger another explosive outburst, over something really trivial. Obviously, I'm glossing over the details here but you get the picture.

Of course it had a major impact on me growing up, leaving me with an inferiority-complex for most of my adult life. Although I was considered very bright in school and did well, I had absolutely no confidence, I also suffered from awful anxiety and at times depression. I felt I was never good enough, nobody would ever like me etc etc, so had difficulty trusting and forming good, healthy. relationships with other people. Thing is, of course some people took advantage of the fact that I was essentially, a people pleaser. My self-esteem was always very low. I remember I had absolutely gorgeous boyfriend all the women were mad about (have to say I was fairly attractive myself, I realise now, but not then)! but nonetheless, I could never (then) comprehend what he saw in me! In the end I drove him away by sabotaging our relationship. Something I've often regretted.

When I left to go to uni, I absolutely HATED going home! I literally had no idea what it was like to be relaxed until then, having grown up in such an extremely tense environment. If it weren't for my Dad, I genuinely would never have gone back again, as I had no desire whatsoever to see her! When I did (after a long, tiring journey) I was often greeted with some criticism about something I was wearing, or my appearance! While there, she never left me alone with her unprovoked, personal attacks and constant nitpicking!

OP, please sever contact with your mother NOW, and get some counselling before it's too late. In my view, blood ISN'T thicker than water and toxic mothers like this should never have children, and don't deserve to have any normal daughter relationships. Seeing what my friends' mothers were like, kind and supportive really brought this home to me. I can fully understand how they grew up being confident and with good self-esteems unlike me was always catching-up from the point I realised it was my mothers's problem, not mine!

StinkyMunkey

Op what your describing is psychological and emotional abuse, which means one of two things to me, your mother suffers from some form of mental illness or she is just a nasty person.

Just because your a parent, your not by default a good one.

The problem is not you and never was, the problem is your mother. I wish I could tell you that your mother will change, she may mellow out but never will never fundamentally change.

The fact is you deserve better, you are guilty of nothing and your just simply unlucky in the card life has dealt you in regards to the person your mother is.

Hang in there OP, someone will come along who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Paddy Cow

cantcopewithmother wrote: »

I dont want to cut my mother out of my life, that would hurt me more than anything but I cant deal with her treatment anymore, I hate that I cant trust her and she actively ruins my reputation and makes people believe things about me that arent true.

I dont know what to do anymore.

Go back and read your op but replace mother with boyfriend and read it as if you were reading a friend's problem. If a friend came to you and said their boyfriend was constantly putting them down, controlling them to the point they'd lost most of their social circle and self esteem, what would you say? I bet you'd tell them to leave because they are in an abusive and toxic relationship. That would be sound advice but when the abuser is a parent it changes the dynamics. We can always grieve the loss of a partner and move on but we only get one mother, so it's not as simple.

Your mother is a classic narcissist. Your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. Your brother has only seen the good side of your mother so he will never have your back, simply because he doesn't see what your reality is. As far as he's concerned, your mother is great. Even if he had the self awareness to realise what your mother is about, he's never going to say anything in case it rocks his gravy boat.

Your mother has gone so far as to black list you to extended family and her friends. She has really done a number on you. She has her friends, colleagues and family members questioning how you treat her. You know it's all bullsh!t but you can't prove it. I'm not surprised your self esteem is in the gutter. You cannot change your mother. She is who she is. You will never figure out why she torments you so much and you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. It's not clear from your op but I hope you have moved out.

I have had experiences with narcissistic family members and you feel like you are going mad. On the one had you love them and want to have a relationship with them but on the other you realise that they don't give a damn about you personally. You certainly can't trust them and will never have a close relationship with them. When reading about narcissists I came across a technique called "Gray Rock". Narcissists love attention and will twist it into drama. The trick is to not feed into this need for attention and drama. You cannot change them, only how you react to them. I can't explain it properly but this article is a good read.

Going back to the bit I bolded. As much as it hurts you, you have to realise that your mother is not going to change. You want a healthy mother/daughter relationship with her but if she's not interested, it's never going to happen. You can't trust her, she actively spreads lies about you and she's bad for your mental health. It's a really sh!t situation for you but you have to face the reality of what you wrote. You are not the problem. She is. Do yourself a favour and put some distance between yourself and the person who is basically bullying you.

1874

this seems to be more common than I thought, sounds a bit selfish, but at least I'm not the only one.
Is there a name for this because it seems to occur a bit.

Yellow pack crisps

You need professional help.