Relationship Limbo

LegacyUser

Hi all. I will run the risk of sounding selfish here but that’s why I’m posting in a forum
I’m with my boyfriend almost two years. We’ve not had it easy, at a time where we should have been in the first flush of romance he started to feel unwell, I won’t go into details but after a number of tests they found nothing wrong. He is in regular discomfort, not always awful but of course disheartening and very depressing. I have tried my best to be the person needed. There when he wants and to give him space when he doesn’t. If I’m honest I find it emotionally tough going sometimes. One day he’s loving the next he is incommunicado, it’s a bit of a roller coaster of emotion.
Lately he seems to have hit rock bottom. He’s in pain and firmly in his shell. I cannot get through to him and think he’s running the risk of depression. I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with it. He has cancelled this weekend’s trip because he feels awful, I understand this but I’m finding it difficult not to take it to heart that he doesn’t want to see me at all, I am happy to stay in and do nothing. I’m away for three weeks with work from Sunday and when I return we won’t have seen one another for six weeks. I know that he will sit in and have a few drinks over the weekend and I’m very hurt that he doesn’t want me to join him before I go away.
This has happened on a lesser scale over our time together, and I sometimes think he’s just not able for a relationship with all he has on his plate. I asked him this once and he told me the last thing he wanted was to be without me. I am miserable, utterly miserable, and worried about him on top of this. I feel awful going away when he feels so bad, but honestly at the moment I may as well be on the moon as here.
I don’t want to walk away. When he’s not in this pain and depression he’s the best person I know, I trust him with my life and I feel very loved

Mr. Incognito

after a number of tests they found nothing wrong

Unless he has a diagnosed physical illness he may have an undiagnosed medical one or a mental one.

I have no idea why you would want to be with someone who makes you miserable and seems to be utterly draining.

Get out now. It wont get any better and life is too short to be stuck minding someone.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like an attention seeking phantom illness to me.

Sound's like an awful lot of drama and theatrics to have to put up with in a 2 year relationship.

Ask yourself this....what do you get out of it all?

Might be best to move on.

never_mind

Some harsh words above...

I think you need to have a very open and frank convo with him to let him know that the situation you find yourself in is not making you happy. I know this is something that you might not be interested in doing but it frankly and lovingly might be worth while. You are not his minder but at the same time that is what relationships are - we look after each other through good times and bad. By letting him know that you aren't going anywhere but need for the situation to improve might push him to re-evaluate his situation.

Calypso Realm

OP-It's vital your boyfriend seeks alternative medical advice elsewhere as it's perfectly possible they just tested for a certain set of conditions while not others and the longer this goes on the more miserable both of you will become. In addition, some illnesses can be more difficult to diagnose than others, especially some in the early stages.

Not to alarm you but a friend of mine had repeated visits to doctors in the same practice over the course of a few months, who failed to diagnose what in the end transpired to be a very serious, but treatable condition. Thankfully she is OK now but had she not persisted, the outcome could have been very different.

Paddy Cow

dunnowhat wrote: »

Hi all. I will run the risk of sounding selfish here but that’s why I’m posting in a forum
I’m with my boyfriend almost two years. We’ve not had it easy, at a time where we should have been in the first flush of romance he started to feel unwell, I won’t go into details but after a number of tests they found nothing wrong. He is in regular discomfort, not always awful but of course disheartening and very depressing. I have tried my best to be the person needed. There when he wants and to give him space when he doesn’t. If I’m honest I find it emotionally tough going sometimes. One day he’s loving the next he is incommunicado, it’s a bit of a roller coaster of emotion.
Lately he seems to have hit rock bottom. He’s in pain and firmly in his shell. I cannot get through to him and think he’s running the risk of depression. I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with it. He has cancelled this weekend’s trip because he feels awful, I understand this but I’m finding it difficult not to take it to heart that he doesn’t want to see me at all, I am happy to stay in and do nothing. I’m away for three weeks with work from Sunday and when I return we won’t have seen one another for six weeks. I know that he will sit in and have a few drinks over the weekend and I’m very hurt that he doesn’t want me to join him before I go away.
This has happened on a lesser scale over our time together, and I sometimes think he’s just not able for a relationship with all he has on his plate. I asked him this once and he told me the last thing he wanted was to be without me. I am miserable, utterly miserable, and worried about him on top of this. I feel awful going away when he feels so bad, but honestly at the moment I may as well be on the moon as here.
I don’t want to walk away. When he’s not in this pain and depression he’s the best person I know, I trust him with my life and I feel very loved

Of course he doesn't want to be without you. You are there when he needs you and you wait in the wings when he doesn't. I'm not surprised you are miserable. I would have sympathy with him for cancelling your trip if he was in pain but he will be having drinks and doesn't want you there at all? WTF?? That's so disrespectful to you and how much you have supported him.

I take it you don't live together. How far away do you live? The cynic in me would be asking (and I may be way off the mark here) if he doesn't have another "girlfriend" who gets the same stories.

His symptoms started almost at the same time as your relationship. That's a lot to take on. Even if he is legit and not seeing someone else, he needs to rethink how he's treating you. If he's physically not up to doing things, he should still want to spend time with you. The only illness that I can think of that fits your boyfriends symptoms is fibromyalgia and even people with that want human contact.

This all sounds very strange (on his part, not yours). We are all very aware of mental health nowadays and make allowances for people (which we should) but when someone's behaviour is having a negative affect on you, you really have to reevaluate the relationship. I don't think you are being selfish. I think you have been the opposite. You have been very accommodating but are getting understandably frustrated when you are not being treated like a girlfriend. You are not his carer. You should be partners and if he's physically not able to go on a trip then you are well within reason to think you could spend the weekend on the couch and just hang out.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to spend time with you after cancelling your plans and knowing he won't see you for weeks?

One day he’s loving the next he is incommunicado, it’s a bit of a roller coaster of emotion.

I don’t want to walk away. When he’s not in this pain and depression he’s the best person I know, I trust him with my life and I feel very loved

Look at what you have just written. It's all about him. When he's not in pain, you feel very loved. Your happiness depends on his. His moods are controlling your emotions. That's not healthy. Go back and read your op. It's littered with red flags. You are not being selfish. You have done your best by this man from the start but after two years, he's still not considering your needs. When he cancelled did he apologise for how this would affect you or did he make it all about him?

Op you are a grown woman. No one here can tell you what to do. All I can do is point out that this has been the status quo from the beginning (you looking out for him). Two years on it's getting worse (him ditching you for six weeks). You have to ask yourself some hard questions. Where do you see this relationship in 5 or 10 years?

Idle Passerby

It sounds like his illness is guilting you into staying in a situation you get very little from.

It's understandable that being with someone who is unwell is a challenge and I have sympathy for him if it's genuine but without a diagnosis is there even an end in sight? Do you want a future of being callously cast aside when ever his mystery illness flares up? Is he interested in getting a diagnosis or looking for a solution? He has to understand that being sick isn't an excuse to treat you badly and that his being sick doesn't obligate you to stay with him.

At the end of the day if your unhappy in the relationship there's no reason to stay in it, you don't owe him anything.

BohsCeltic

Been in a similar situation. I done everything for her, treated her with the utmost respect and gave her a good lifestyle.

One day she would be happy and loving then the next day she would be complaining about everything like it was my fault.

It's not good for your mental health. It's hard to walk away but you need to take care of number 1, that's you.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you already know this but you cannot fix someone. they can get better/get help etc, but only for themselves.

So looking at the medium to long term id consider a few question.

are you happy now?
are things going in the right direction?
can you see a light at the end of the tunnel?
is the relationship worth it?
do you have similar future goals?

if you cannot answer yes to any of the above i'd be considering an exit strategy at this stage.

if some are yes and some are no, then you probably need to take a long look in the cold light of day, and either commit, or give up.