Is my brain broken!

LegacyUser

I’m a bit confused by this and wanted to get others’ opinions on it as I really think sometimes my brain just doesn’t work like everyone else’s.

For some reason, all through my life, I have really struggled to perform academically. In school as a kid I was just always underachieving and ended up being sent to a psychologist who concluded very little and produced nothing but a report saying that I had scored very highly in an IQ test.

I got through school and absolutely hated it, did my Leaving Cert and got into university on a fairly mediocre result and then took a fairly circuitous route through my degree not always hitting very good grades, even though I easily understood and enjoyed the subjects.

I always put plenty of work in and I learn loads but I just find i cannot focus. I try and try and try and nothing works. I could spend 12 hours in a library and achieve nothing useful.

I got through the degree and then was pushed by work into doing a masters, which I only got a Postgrad Diploma out of. It really embarrassed me as I did not get on well and basically I ended up feeling I had to resign over it and go self employed, as the poor performance in the masters caused serious friction with the employer, who basically thought I was an utter moron from that point on and she’s probably right.

I tried to challenge myself again with a conversion masters in to an IT subject and while I understood it at a conceptual level and found it very interesting, I absolutely couldn’t code. I spent day after day in labs trying to figure it out and asked for assistance but got nowhere and ended up walking out halfway through and costing myself thousands and also a lot do embarrassment again. I ended up really badly depressed after it and just can’t understand how I’m this stupid.

In day-to-day life I also forget stuff all the time. I’m constantly having to fight this with memory aids like diaries and mobile phone entries. I often completely forget significant dates unless they’re in my diary. For example I have regularly been totally unable to recall my anniversary date and my now ex used to really take massive insult to this and just assume it was because I had no interest.

I also get details wrong and write numbers down with errors like swapping digits into wrong place in sequence 90210 could come out as 90120. It’s the same with spelling sometimes too. I’ll just flip letter pairs.

Also I can’t read scripts as if I’m reading a block of text I often end up reading the wrong next line. I usually number the lines if I have to make a speech and sometimes that doesn’t work. Yet I can very comfortably speak to an audience unscripted.

At work or college sometimes I might just completely miss something in details. I got fired from a really good job over it and was told I was completely incompetent and again just sunk into deep depression and I’m afraid to take on any serious role where people depend on me now. I just do short contracts or freelance work. I basically can’t rely on my own brain.

I’m not unintelligent but I just cannot seem to overcome this and people keep thinking I’m just sloppy or lazy. I really am not and suspect I’ll be underemployed for the rest of my life as a result.

I’ve given up on trying to pursue goals. I don’t even have any anymore.

tea and coffee

Being honest, I'd chat to a GP. It could be any number of things inc dyslexia, stress, adhd... there is no way of knowing.
I will say however, that you being so conscious of it is probably making it worse.

joeguevara

Firstly some people are just not academic and it doesn't mean their brain doesn't work it just means they have different skills. One of the best lawyers I have seen wasn't great in university but has exceptional persuasive skills.

One thing from your post was the flipping numbers and words. I'm not an expert but my mate who is an artist was telling me he has this problem and was recently diagnosed with dyslexia. That might be something to look at.

I hope you get some assistance but don't be too hard on yourself. Different people are better at different things. Doesn't make them better or worse. But finding your skills will allow you to flourish,

Xterminator

Hi Op

I acknowledge the struggle you have had to get where you are. You clearly have never found a method of getting the best from your obvious capabilities and you are not comfortable in your own skin.

BUT .... you have a degree and a Postgrad Diploma. Do you take the time to acknowledge this achievement to yourself, or do you reflect only on the negative? you need to see both sides.

you are highly intelligent. your vocabulary and writing style show you to be well above average in these aspects. if you dont see your own worth how then should other people perceive you?

you need to identify your strengths. you need to show confidence in your abilities, while choosing a role that you can feasibly take on. And then you need to 'fake it till you make it' and take the approach that you can and will perform well in your role!

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

I'm really like this but never really feel like my brain is broken. I can hang on to information that really genuinely interests me and I am passionate about for as long as the passion and interest last. Then it's gone.

I scraped a pass in my leaving cert then got the highest marks in my course in college because the course was something I was hugely passionate about. I'm the same with everything...learning facts about things that aren't interesting to me or useful for my day-to-day existence is painfully difficult.

I've just accepted it and it's forced me to pursue a career that I'm interested in. Of course, not all of it is interesting but I try and find ways to focus on the outcome of the learnings and how it contributes to something that could be interesting or relevant in the long-term.

I'm not sure if it's the same.....but I've never regarded my brain as broken or in any way damaged. I'm just not able to memorise boring information, so I do my best to avoid it.

I'm incredibly creative and artistic and have some brilliant ideas in that sphere, so that's what I do now.

Hope this is helpful

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, go to your GP and get evaluated for dyslexia. It doesn't just affect reading ability -- it affects the whole way that the brain processes, stores, and retrieves information. People with dyslexia often have difficulty processing and remembering things, and this could explain many of the issues you describe in your post.

Also, stop describing yourself as stupid. You are clearly not stupid, as your IQ score shows. You come across as an intelligent person who might benefit greatly from seeking professional help for a possible undiagnosed learning difficulty.

seamus

Read this:
http://www.dyslexia.ie/information/adults-and-the-workplace/adult-dyslexia-checklist/

DO NOT self-diagnose yourself with anything, you could lead yourself down the wrong path and make it worse. But if the above does ring with you, then it is worth getting yourself assessed. Then you will learn tools and techniques to lift yourself out of this fog.

wiggle16

I agree with the other posters here, I think you should get yourself assessed for dyslexia. A lot of people slip through the net as children because they manage to cope with their diffculties "too well".

I really don't think this is an issue with your intelligence, at all. You come across as quite an articulate person - i think this may be an issue with your self esteem and self confidence more than anything else.

shesty

Jesus OP, you pushed yourself through the LC, a college course, a post grad and into ANOTHER course while struggling with something that would completely debilitate a lot of people's best intentions??You must have been under so much stress.

There is definitely a diagnosis there, for something.Do you realise how much you have achieved, working against this and without a diagnosis to help you in any way?

Personally if I were you I would step away now from academia.Are you artistic, musical?Are there other ways you can learn?Do putting word to dance steps, or movement, help you remember them better?Would a chart, or diagram or something aid your memory for calendar dates?Something you can try to help you out before a diagnosis comes is to try writing or reading on paper that is not white-paper that is coloured in some way.I believe that is a big aid to some people who are dyslexic (the flipping numbers and letters would be a thing to investigate medically), for some reason the letters/words don't seem to "jump" when they are on coloured paper.

Definitely go to your GP, if only to see what is causing this and find a way to help.you understand your strengths and stop feeling like you are struggling through everything.

StinkyMunkey

Fair play OP, all said and done you got a pretty decent education. I have to admit the first thing that sprung to mind was dyslexia.

I never had the aptitude for academia myself, I had zero retention and couldn't focus on pretty much anything I wasnt interested in - that was pretty much every subject.

The good news is your brain isn't broken, the bad news is you just haven't figured out what's holding you back. Go talk to the professionals.