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Have such little self esteem

  • 07-04-2019 8:02pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭


    Is there anyway to get good self esteem when you are good at nothing? My self-esteem is at an all time low, I think I am falling into a true period of depression, I’ve always been someone in my head but more and more, I like myself less and less. I used to think my day would eventually come and had a bit of buzz about myself. I thought I was an attractive guy that girls were just, if not intimidated, not completely comfortable around me. I have a warm and smiley demeanor but I think the reason I don’t get girls is that I am uncharismatic and dim. My looks to me seem good but girls don’t seem to think so and ultimately they decide. But it’s not just girls, it’s everything, I hate that I am a 30 year old with zero sexual experience, even if a girl did take pity on me and no girl is gonna do that, no girl will ever like me enough to look past my lack of sexual experience. I had a big life changing event happen to me recently and I find myself feeling old now but without any of the trappings of that. I really just want to experience a girl liking me, it’s juvenile but I want to be able to attract her, be able to be an interesting guy who she wants to be around and someone she would fall for. The fact this hasn’t happened yet in my life makes me feel really lacking. I feel just a sense of oddness. I feel at 30 time has gone to develop a close rapport with someone. I’ve travelled, been everywhere, met loads of people, made some good buddies but never girls. No romances to look back on as learning curves, no butterflies, no feeling of feeling genuinely liked warts and all. This is like a confirmation of all my insecurities. You can travel the world but if the issue is ultimately your own self, your gonna get nowhere.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,854 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    On the plus side it's not too late and you can turn it around. Do you have your own place, decent job relative to your peers?
    How do you spend your time? Are you involved in sports of any kind? Do you have a good social circle?
    One way to create self esteem is do get good at stuff, if you are not fit for example , join a gym ans set some targets you can aim for over a year. Another area is grooming and what you wear, do you dress well or are indistinguasable from an inpovished student? After that set goals to get out of your comfort zone socially. If you are too passive in social situations shake it up , practice talking to strangers. If you come across as someone who enjoys being in people's company and find other people intetesting you will be ahead of the pack.
    It comes down to creating some positive feedback loops for yourself and if you value yourself others will see it. On the other hand if you see life as a chore, people will pick up on that too and it won't come across as attractive. Gooduck!

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You really need to go to therapy. So many of your posts on boards have the same theme running through them i.e. your looks. And you constantly seem to be full of contradictions. Honestly, book a session with a counsellor and get some help, you really do need it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 478 ✭✭Goodigal


    Why do you think you're not good at anything? Everyone is good at something. Find your thing and work on it. Going around with a negative attitude about yourself is not going to help you. Be open to new things, a new hobby/class or some social groups in your area. I hate the fact that everyone is buried in their phones all the time and they don't actually see what's in front of them. Start looking up and out there and engage with people daily. You never know when you'll meet someone you click with.
    Also, think of all the people out there who would love to meet someone who hasn't slept around. There are women out there who have limited experience too. Not everyone has had 20 partners by the age of 30! You might find someone who is willing to learn things with you. And won't judge you.
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You're young, you've travelled - you just need to find strength in yourself to get out there and chat to people about these experiences. Stay as positive as you can. Maybe the butterflies will come soon enough. Good luck with it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    silverharp wrote: »
    On the plus side it's not too late and you can turn it around. Do you have your own place, decent job relative to your peers?
    How do you spend your time? Are you involved in sports of any kind? Do you have a good social circle?
    One way to create self esteem is do get good at stuff, if you are not fit for example , join a gym ans set some targets you can aim for over a year. Another area is grooming and what you wear, do you dress well or are indistinguasable from an inpovished student? After that set goals to get out of your comfort zone socially. If you are too passive in social situations shake it up , practice talking to strangers. If you come across as someone who enjoys being in people's company and find other people intetesting you will be ahead of the pack.
    It comes down to creating some positive feedback loops for yourself and if you value yourself others will see it. On the other hand if you see life as a chore, people will pick up on that too and it won't come across as attractive. Gooduck!

    I’m lucky I’m that I have a good place to live and have a decent social circle. Sometimes I feel like a background character and that I can’t really express myself or be as me as I would like but that’s more just when we are in a group or something and doesn’t consume me. Like to improve it but whatever

    I do the usual...workout, trying to get good at calisthenics rather than just go gym and up my cardio. I play football when the weather gets good(evenings longer) and tennis too. I’m in good shap by general population standards but my height and body composition means that’s all. The fact I keep fit wouldn’t be something I have to boast about. My physique won’t turn heads.

    I dress goodish, maybe a little younger than my age but my face matches the clothes I wear I reckon. Sometimes I’ll dress a little more refined but depends on situation.

    I wish I could take myself less seriously. I’m a jovial enough guy but I’m obsessed with how I’m perceived, particularly by girls.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    Goodigal wrote: »
    Why do you think you're not good at anything? Everyone is good at something. Find your thing and work on it. Going around with a negative attitude about yourself is not going to help you. Be open to new things, a new hobby/class or some social groups in your area. I hate the fact that everyone is buried in their phones all the time and they don't actually see what's in front of them. Start looking up and out there and engage with people daily. You never know when you'll meet someone you click with.
    Also, think of all the people out there who would love to meet someone who hasn't slept around. There are women out there who have limited experience too. Not everyone has had 20 partners by the age of 30! You might find someone who is willing to learn things with you. And won't judge you.
    Don't be so hard on yourself. You're young, you've travelled - you just need to find strength in yourself to get out there and chat to people about these experiences. Stay as positive as you can. Maybe the butterflies will come soon enough. Good luck with it.

    I just amnt. I try my hand at a few things but am average at most stuff I’ve ever done. I even did acting classes once, was good at time but did nothing for me long term...or maybe it did but not enough. I’m unintelligent, not an idiot but just dumb, especially when Im really I’m my head I find I am quite awkward, anxious and clumsy. When I feel confident I am a different person but have less and less reasons to be confident these days.

    I do need therapy or something,


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I do need therapy or something,

    OP I'm glad to see you say this. I really do think your issues would be best worked through in counselling/therapy sessions.

    Low self esteem can be due to very deep rooted reasons, which aren't going to be solved here. It will take a lot of time and dedication with a professional to figure out why you see yourself so negatively and why validation from others is so important to you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Take your looks out of the equation for a minute, because looks aren't everything.

    You honestly cannot be giving off the smiley friendly, happy demeanor you claim to be if you are still having no luck.
    You can't possibly be giving off that impression.
    My guess is that you are coming across as very intense and needy and women are picking up on it.

    Honestly, one of my ex's who I had the most amazing chemistry with was not my usual type and probably not conventionally very attractive at all. But I was head over heels for him because he was funny, confident (without being arrogant) and was a straightforward person with no drama.

    I think you are trying so hard to come across a certain way that you are giving off extremely desperate vibes which most women will run from.
    You are so obsessed with being friendly etc. that its very forced, contrived, and doesn't seem natural. Again, women will be picking up on this.

    One of the best pieces of advice I was given was that you can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself. OP, it doesn't even sound like you like yourself, let alone love.

    I've seen a few of your other threads and I really think you need to see a therapist to come up with a solution for your self esteem issues. The longer you continue to neglect this issue, the worse your dating life will get, and the cycle will continue, each time getting more hopeless.

    Until you address the root of this issue and make peace with who you are (and not who you try to be) nothing will change.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You've been advised more than once that you need therapy. There's only so much random Internet strangers can do for you. Talk to your GP and get cracking on seeking professional help.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Average is fine. The average person is average! I think you are focusing too much on appearances, not just physical appearance though. You did acting for a while and enjoyed it. So why did you stop? You're probably not going to make a career of it, but that doesn't mean that you can't continue doing it.

    There are loads of amateur drama groups all over the country crying out for members. The people there are 'average'. They're not professional actors. But they enjoy it and they don't care how they appear to others. Same with football, tennis, running, knitting... Whatever! If its a hobby you don't have to be good at it. You just have to enjoy it.

    Fimd hobbies that you enjoy, not that you feel you need to excel at. If you're happy within yourself THAT is attractive to others. Your physical appearance really is only a small part of what makes you attractice to others.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    I wud have similar issues but have improved over the last year or two. One thing I find is a massive thing with women is confidence. I used to think it was all looks but it's really not. I know average looking guys who have beautiful partners because they are self assured, confident and just live their life the way they want.
    I still struggle a little with confidence cos I'm constantly analysing my interactions and feel like my personality is goofy and vanilla. How do you work on this area?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Take your looks out of the equation for a minute, because looks aren't everything.

    You honestly cannot be giving off the smiley friendly, happy demeanor you claim to be if you are still having no luck.
    You can't possibly be giving off that impression.
    My guess is that you are coming across as very intense and needy and women are picking up on it.

    Honestly, one of my ex's who I had the most amazing chemistry with was not my usual type and probably not conventionally very attractive at all. But I was head over heels for him because he was funny, confident (without being arrogant) and was a straightforward person with no drama.

    I think you are trying so hard to come across a certain way that you are giving off extremely desperate vibes which most women will run from.
    You are so obsessed with being friendly etc. that its very forced, contrived, and doesn't seem natural. Again, women will be picking up on this.

    One of the best pieces of advice I was given was that you can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself. OP, it doesn't even sound like you like yourself, let alone love.

    I've seen a few of your other threads and I really think you need to see a therapist to come up with a solution for your self esteem issues. The longer you continue to neglect this issue, the worse your dating life will get, and the cycle will continue, each time getting more hopeless.

    Until you address the root of this issue and make peace with who you are (and not who you try to be) nothing will change.

    Guys, I was so at peace with who I was, I was a happy go lucky, really friendly and nice guy who felt a bit awkward and out of the loop, but I felt optimistic. It’s only throughout my 20s that this has been knocked out of me.

    I just wish I could feel the experience of really hitting it off with a girl I like, to not feel awkward, to actually have a ****ing thought come into my mind and not just go blank, to be able to banter and build a girls attraction to me. I know it seems so stupid but I just want to feel normal. I’m nearly 30 and I feel like I do when I was 19. I always thought girls were intimidated by me tbh, Inheard enough positives about my looks that I presumed lack of interest was a good thing but more and more I think personality matters but sadly for me I struggle to make a real connection with girls, I don’t view them as other people at al but I struggle with the dynamics of the relationships because girls at least with me won’t be as all about you as a lad mate will be. With my lad mates you don't have to be this funny with guy, you can just be light hearted up for a chat and a rapport will just build. With girls, the dynamic has always seem more strained


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    But if you only view women as potential partners or romantic interests then you're less likely to make any sort of progress with them. Have you female friends? Women who you don't try to hit it off with. Work colleagues, college friends, neighbours, people who you met through groups or activities?

    You are unlikely to hit it off with every single woman you meet. I have loads of male friends/acquaintances. I don't fancy them all. I don't see any of them as potential partners. I think you're putting to push pressure on yourself and on your interactions and you are expecting them to lead onto something and when they don't you then convince yourself that there's something fundamentally wrong with you.

    There's not. But you're not going to "hit it off" with the majority of women. I've had 3 longish term relationships in my life including my current 20 year relationship. That's 3 men, out of 100s that I've met. that I "hit it off with".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    I would just say acquaintances. I like them but wouldn’t hang out with them unless as part of a bigger group. I can talk with them but I’m just no fun around them, I’m not a super serious guy but I’m not funny really, just jovial(to the outside world) It’s just a feeling you know? It’s feeling that something is lacking in my relationships. It can be there with lads was well buuut it really seems to damage my relationships with girls. I reckon any girl who knows me just views me as this forgetful background character. My only saving grace is I might be handsome but it makes no difference and I probably amnt either. Maybe in a way it makes it even more stress inducing and makes me feel even odder because if it’s not my looks, it’s my personality and since I’m not an odious unlikeable guy that makes me feel awful.

    I take your point but I’ve been around the block, seen the world, met so many girls in that time but whatever way I come across to them just isn’t attractive


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