How to attract an Irish white guy

Lisa28

I am a black girl who grew up in Ireland and have had mainly black friends. I have dated only black guys so far and I assumed this is what I was attracted to. I think I am not ugly looking and have no deal-breaking negative traits character wise or physically, weight, height etc. Basically I am average (or slightly higher) all round.

I have fallen in love with an attractive
Irish white guy and I thought I will get over it, it’s just a crush but I just can’t get over him. It’s been a year now. I have tried letting him know how I feel, albeit not directly. I told someone I had a crush on him and he told him. Although we work in the same office, we rarely see each other and we exchange pleasantries when we do.

I spoke to him at length once (I mean 3 mins max 😀) just about work. But I think he has been avoiding me ever since, we still meet randomly in the office and exchange 5 seconds pleasantries - maybe I am just over thinking/ over analyzing him. Or maybe he just isn’t attracted to me.

So my question is, do Irish white guys find black girls attractive? I have not been approached by a white guy before so I am concerned whether they find me attractive or not. I will really want to know what Irish white guys in general likes or how I can get him attracted to me. Is the fact he is very attractive harder for me as he will get enough attention from other white girls and have no time to branch out to other races?

Help. I don’t know what to do. Telling him how I feel directly is out of the question tho.

Wheety

I think you've built him up too much in your head and a result of this are over analysing everything.

Sounds like you don't actually have much interaction? Is there a way you can talk to him more?

But at the end of the day, maybe he just doesn't fancy you.

Hobosan

If you've already fallen in love with him then there's really no reason to make any drastic changes to the relationship.

iebamm2580

I suspect as you said somebody told him you find him attractive and he didnt make a move since, he just may not be attracted to you, but yeah i would imagine many white guys find black women attractive.

lalababa

Just ask him out for a few drinks. You'll know then. BTW how can you fall in love with someone you don't know??

suicide_circus

as to your question about white irish guys finding black women attractive, i would say that they would largley find the attractive ones attractive...so just like any other kind of woman.

stop torturing yourself and ask him if he wants to go for a drink after work.

Lisa28

iebamm2580 wrote: »

I suspect as you said somebody told him you find him attractive and he didnt make a move since, he just may not be attracted to you, but yeah i would imagine many white guys find black women attractive.

You might be right

Many people might think a workplace isn't a place to be hitting on someone as well..

Lisa28

Wheety wrote: »

I think you've built him up too much in your head and a result of this are over analysing everything.

Sounds like you don't actually have much interaction? Is there a way you can talk to him more?

But at the end of the day, maybe he just doesn't fancy you.

I think I am jst building a perfect version of him in My head. He is perfect anyway from my work stalking. I speak to him 2-3 times per day, just saying hi when we bump into each other. If he knows I fancy him and hasn’t done anything, maybe he doesn’t fancy me then.

woodchuck

So my question is, do Irish white guys find black girls attractive?

I'm afraid men are not a hive mind.

It's pretty worrying that you say you're in love with this guy, when the longest conversation you've had with him is 3 minutes!! You've put him up on a pedestal, yet you don't know him at all. So it's impossible to say if he's attracted to you, as you're probably not even on his radar.

Are their any opportunities in work to get to know him better casually, such as going for a tea break with a group? Or are there any work social events coming up? You might find he's nothing like the person you've built up in your mind...

Ursus Horribilis

You also don't know if this guy is single in the first place, if he's gay or if you're just not his type. It may or may not have anything to do with your colour either.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd be mortified if a colleague told me that I colleague I have little or not contact with had a crush on me. Especially if we'd never really spoken. Saying "Hi" when you pass each other can't be classed as speaking to him every day. And a 3 minute (max) conversation is definitely not speaking "at length". If feel very awkward around that colleague and would maybe even try to avoid them.

How old are you? You know nothing about him. You don't know if he's got a gf, is married, is gay.

If you've grown up in Ireland I don't know how white Irish guys are such a mystery to you. Surely you've grown up surrounded by them. If you want to be noticed by anyone, regardless of who they are, you are going to have to make yourself noticeable. Saying "hi" as you pass in the corridor isn't going to make you stand out any more than anyone else. And if he doesn't immediately fancy you, you are going to have to make an effort to get to know him, and let him get to know you.

Do your work colleagues ever go out together? Why not arrange a few drinks after work some Friday?

Jurgen Klopp

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you've grown up in Ireland I don't know how white Irish guys are such a mystery to you. Surely you've grown up surrounded by them.

You'd be very surprised. If certain areas have high volumes of people from the homeland so to speak integration doesn't often happen as much or as easy as some like to think it does

Ursus Horribilis

True. She does talk about white Irish men as if they're some sort of exotic species though. Almost as if they're a specimen. Maybe getting to know them properly would be a good start.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Lisa28 wrote: »

I told someone I had a crush on him and he told him.

If he's been made aware that you like him, but he hasn't made any move to ask you out, then it's unlikely that your feelings are reciprocated, unfortunately.

So my question is, do Irish white guys find black girls attractive?

There's no clear answer to that question, because all men are different. I do see increasing numbers of mixed-race couples in Ireland, so it does happen that Irish men pair off with women of other races. That said, other men may prefer to date someone of their own race.

Is the fact he is very attractive harder for me as he will get enough attention from other white girls and have no time to branch out to other races?

Again, it all depends. Some white men date women of other races because they're perceived as exotic and different. In that sense, you may in some cases have an advantage over white women. But again it all depends on the man.

antiskeptic

woodchuck wrote: »

So my question is, do Irish white guys find black girls attractive?

I'm afraid men are not a hive mind.

It's pretty worrying that you say you're in love with this guy, when the longest conversation you've had with him is 3 minutes!! You've put him up on a pedestal, yet you don't know him at all. So it's impossible to say if he's attracted to you, as you're probably not even on his radar.

Are their any opportunities in work to get to know him better casually, such as going for a tea break with a group? Or are there any work social events coming up? You might find he's nothing like the person you've built up in your mind...

Being in love is a state that doesn't involve actually knowing the person. They are idealised in your viee. Loving someone is differernt - you have to know them.

It takes about 2 years for the in love state to wear off, after which you know the person and can figure out if you love them or not

Its perfectly okay to be in love with someone based on 3 minute conversations. Indeed, you might not have had any conversations with them at all. Idealisation doesn't require conversation!

woodchuck

antiskeptic, what you describe as "in love", I would call "in lust" or infatuation.

OP I guess it depends on what definition you're using yourself. It sounds like you're far too invested in someone you've never even had a meaningful conversation with though

LegacyUser

Dear OP,

I too am non-white living here. I get you (to a point)

I can say this:

It is actually damaging to the self confidence if you get little to no response from the opposite sex when you are a happy, sexually aware adult, no matter where you live.
Unfortunately, it has a sharper edge if you are a minority that stands out. Rather than simply question your attractiveness to the opposite sex, the colour or racial angle comes in and while you can work on your body with exercise, or pay attention to your clothes and grooming, colour and features associated with your ancestry cannot, and if you already feel a particular way because all the women around you look a certain way, it can hurt your self esteem.

I say this as someone who has an irish ex husband and has dated across a umber of colour lines that the only and really, only way to deal with this is to love yourself. What a cliché, right? But it is the truth. Self confidence is incredibly attractive. Look in the mirror and like what you see. It's a long life - you're stuck with yourself so make it easier on yourself by not damaging your confidence with questioning why a certain type of man has no interest.

THAT SAID - sounds like you have a crush. Is this your first job outside college? Your post seems so young. Because we can exist in a little bubble all the way through school, especially if you go to a college with school friends. This is also probably why you dated mostly from your own ethnic background.
Also as you hardly know this man, it's unhealthy to consider yourself in love with him.

Is he very good - looking? I have a super hot male manager (in a different division) and all the women kind of pause when he enters a room, but it's just admiration, nothing more. A feast for the eyes and it's ok to admire funny, good looking successful men without being in love with them. It's also never ever ok to relay via 3rd party colleague that you are interested.

It's awkward, kind of high school stuff and the poor guy is probably avoiding you now to prevent any talk of inappropriateness, even if he had no interest, now he can't even be generally friendly the way you would be with office banter.

Also, I hate to say, as a brown girl that is very much happy with my looks, that sometimes a guy just isn't in to you. It might well be a colour thing, or it may be has a type that could include black girls, but just not your looks, or he has eyes only for a person he is with/ married to. He may not even be into women!

No way of knowing because you don't know him!

Whew, a long post - but look, avoid such things at work. It's always a recipe for disaster or embarrassment.

blairbear

I think people are ignoring layers of racial issues that may mean that many white Irish people are not attracted to black women, or do not automatically consider them potential partners. There are also several tired tropes that black women, in particular, are characterised and stereotyped with. Black women are more likely to be hypersexualized by white men and men of colour from a young age (look up misogynoir) and then there is the phenomenon of colourism, whereby lighter skinned black women, or those with more traditionally Caucasian traits, are considered inherently more attractive. These ways of thinking are largely subconscious and reflexive, due to generations of internalized racism. I have often heard both my male and female friends say things like "I just don't find Asian men attractive" or "I'm not into black girls", without realising how problematic that is.

Suffice to say, these phenomena may not be relevant to your situation. We have no idea whether this man is straight or gay or who he would be attracted to. If he's a decent guy, he'll be attracted to an individual he has chemistry with. You haven't had the opportunity really to see if you do have chemistry with him! You may not like him when you get to know him.

In short, yes, there can be a type of internalized racism within all echelons of society that means white people are less likely to be drawn to POC. However, that is academic here and you should approach it as you would any other potentially romantic situation. But maybe less of the "my mate fancies you" stuff at work!

Emme

OP no matter what colour you are when it comes to Irish men you can't compete with a pint...

All jokes and stereotypes aside most intelligent Irish men (I'll say indigenous pasty skinned, not white) don't take colour into account - they like a woman whose looks and personality attracts them.

Try to relax around him and have a chat. Having said that, it's probably better not to get into complicated situations at work.

If he's into you great, if he isn't into you it probably isn't your skin colour but he might have a girlfriend already or might not want a relationship. Don't take it personally. Move onwards and upwards, there will be plenty of guys out there of all colours who will like you. If you particularly like white Irish guys there's one out there for you. Good luck

MissShihTzu

blairbear wrote: »

Black women are more likely to be hypersexualized by white men and men of colour from a young age (look up misogynoir)

Really? Who told you that??

blairbear wrote: »

and then there is the phenomenon of colourism, whereby lighter skinned black women, or those with more traditionally Caucasian traits, are considered inherently more attractive.

Might be true of my parents' generation. It certainly isn't the case now!!


These ways of thinking are largely subconscious and reflexive, due to generations of internalized racism. I have often heard both my male and female friends say things like "I just don't find Asian men attractive" or "I'm not into black girls", without realising how problematic that is.

blairbear wrote: »

Suffice to say, these phenomena may not be isn't relevant to your situation. We have no idea whether this man is straight or gay or who he would be attracted to. If he's a decent guy, he'll be attracted to an individual he has chemistry with. You haven't had the opportunity really to see if you do have chemistry with him! You may not like him when you get to know him.

FYP. It's not relevant IMO. Either the guy likes you or he doesn't. Simple as that.

OP - I'm Afro-Caribbean married to the whitest man I know! Didn't think he would be my type, and I daresay he thought I wouldn't be his. But - here we are...

Getting back on topic. You've got a crush. Sometimes, crushes work. But that's a rare, rare thing. I wouldn't be acting on it.

You will find a nice guy. Be he black, white, green with pink spots - whatever!! But just be you.

Xterminator

blairbear wrote: »

Black women are more likely to be hypersexualized by white men and men of colour from a young age

I guess they are all the same; those dirty men eh? :rolleyes:

Sorry OP

You like this guy. In the current climate it is very hard for him to make advances to you at work.

So you need to socialize outside of the office and see if you hit it off & If you want this to happen you should make the 1st move.

Invite him out for a coffee at lunch, or a drink after work, or a movie etc. something you are comfortable with, but in a one to one environment if at all possible.

this will achieve 2 things.

you will let him know you are interested. Not a hint or a stare or cryptic comments, or asking about his weekend etc. you invite him out & show you wish to know him better, outside work.

Secondly you will give him the opportunity to let you know how he feels, because you currently don't know if he is attracted to you. if he declines you have your answer. Minimal embarrassment, no big deal.

As a man I would honestly struggle to have the confidence to approach a single girl in the workplace today and look for a date, unless she took the 1st step. Years ago it was common to go to the pub after work and socialise, and that way you got a chance to gauge these things. But there are less opportunities today, and if this guy lacks confidence he may never summon up the courage to take the 1st step, if he is interested.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

blairbear wrote: »

In short, yes, there can be a type of internalized racism within all echelons of society that means white people are less likely to be drawn to POC.

So if I'm not attracted to black women, I'm a racist? Sorry, but that's nonsense.

It's a preference just like any other. People often have very definite preferences around factors like height, weight, hair colour, breast size, body hair, accent, you name it. Race is no different.

Personally, I'm not into Asian women. I know some lovely Asian women who are great people, but I'm just not all that sexually attracted to them.

Sexual attraction is highly subjective, OP. There's just no way of knowing what any man is into unless you get to know him better -- and you can't do that just by admiring him from a distance. You need to get to know him better, even in just a social context, to see if there's a genuine spark.

Jurgen Klopp

Boston Tasteless Pulp wrote: »

So if I'm not attracted to black women, I'm a racist? Sorry, but that's nonsense

A ridiculous and frankly dangerous way of thinking from that poster alright Vox, I agree people just have preferences

antiskeptic

woodchuck wrote: »

antiskeptic, what you describe as "in love", I would call "in lust" or infatuation.

Certainly the term "in love" can be expanded upon. Point is, it's frequently the basis whereby folk get together.

It's as if nature, realising that a warts-n-all view of the person from the get go might hinder relationships ever getting off the ground.

And so it sprinkles this magic dust over things whereby their poo doesn't smell.

I remember radio psychologist Maureen Gaffeny talking about it, saying that it typically lasts about 2 years. The persons warts n all gradually emerge in that time, but so too an insight into the persons attributes which may, or may not, come to be loved by the other.

At that point the decision is made (if unconciously and probably not strictly delineated to a two year threshold) to either progress with the relationship (if love has grown) or abandon ship (if it was only the magic dust which was sustaining things)

Big Bag of Chips

Ok everyone, can we get back to offering advice to the OP. General discussion on racism or anything else is not constructive here.

Paddy Cow

Lisa28 wrote: »

I am a black girl who grew up in Ireland and have had mainly black friends. I have dated only black guys so far and I assumed this is what I was attracted to. I think I am not ugly looking and have no deal-breaking negative traits character wise or physically, weight, height etc. Basically I am average (or slightly higher) all round.

I have fallen in love with an attractive
Irish white guy and I thought I will get over it, it’s just a crush but I just can’t get over him. It’s been a year now. I have tried letting him know how I feel, albeit not directly. I told someone I had a crush on him and he told him. Although we work in the same office, we rarely see each other and we exchange pleasantries when we do.

I spoke to him at length once (I mean 3 mins max ��) just about work. But I think he has been avoiding me ever since, we still meet randomly in the office and exchange 5 seconds pleasantries - maybe I am just over thinking/ over analyzing him. Or maybe he just isn’t attracted to me.

So my question is, do Irish white guys find black girls attractive? I have not been approached by a white guy before so I am concerned whether they find me attractive or not. I will really want to know what Irish white guys in general likes or how I can get him attracted to me. Is the fact he is very attractive harder for me as he will get enough attention from other white girls and have no time to branch out to other races?

Help. I don’t know what to do. Telling him how I feel directly is out of the question tho.

Op I'm going to tell you right now that this is not a race thing. You only have to look at the amount of mixed race kids in schools to realise that black and white people do have relationships in Ireland.

To me this comes down to gender, rather than race. I'll probably get slated for this because gender equality blah, blah, blah but in 90% of cases, it is the man chasing the woman. Men ask women out all the time and get rejected and they just have to deal with it. When a woman likes a man and she makes moves, she also has to deal with rejection.

I think you went around this the wrong way. You got someone else to say it to him because you didn't have the confidence to do it yourself. That's a no no and something kids do in secondary school. In fairness you put yourself out there and got rejected. Chalk it down to experience and don't let it dent your confidence. This guy wasn't into you but the next one could be.

If you want to date white guys then you need to increase your social circle. You have black friends and date black guys. That's a limited pool. I'm from Mayo. If I was only friends with people from Mayo and dated people from Mayo, I couldn't be surprised if only people from Mayo wanted to date me.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It may or may not be a race thing. Some white Irish guys would rule black women out, some probably prefer them, most I'd imagine are as above, they're attracted to black women who are attractive. And I'd say there are pretty few who haven't had time to branch out to other races. Anyone who HAS thought to themselves "Jesus do you know what I never got around to? Black girls!" is probably best avoided.

To be frank, I'd imagine the intensity coming across in your post comes across in real life, and it's that and the fact that this all between colleagues that's most likely to have put him off.

It's possibly not so much racial as cultural divide here; while Irish men aren't a monolith who all feel and think the same, Irish people in general are a lot less direct and open in communication than many other cultures, especially when it comes to romance and can get freaked out by unambiguous come-ons. I'm assuming you're a 1st or 2nd generation immigrant and your friends and partners have been of a similar background, so that might be something to be aware of going forward if you find yourself in this position again. I wouldn't get too in your head about your race though.