BF's parenting making me rethink relationship

LegacyUser

Probably should be in the parenting forum but I need to go unreg for this one. My bf's parenting is driving me crazy. I don't live with my him but I'm there half the week. He also has his 3 year old daughter half the week. Our days with him usually overlap. For example, he gives her sweets before dinner, then during dinner she watches YouTube videos and eats hardly anything. Then she has more sweets, followed by an ice-cream. She's awake until 11pm and doesn't sleep through the night. Don't get me wrong, she's lovely and I enjoy spending time with them both but I'm worried I won't be able to hold my tongue much longer. It's also exhausting. Like she's 3 and he asks if he can change her nappy. If she says no, he doesn't change it. I grew up where children didn't get sweets unless they ate their dinner. They went to bed by 7:30pm. They did what they were told - i.e. they did what the parent wanted, not the other way around. Am I totally out of touch with parenting today? This is making me reconsider the relationship. I couldn't possibly have a child with him if this is how he raises them. Is this a lost cause?

Locker10a

I wouldn’t say it’s a lost cause!!
You have to consider that perhaps seen as your boyfriend is not the “full time” parent for want of a better word, he approaches his daughter in a very softly softly way. Perhaps he’s after that if he’s a cross daddy she won’t want to come spend time with him. Maybe he’s terrified of pushing buttons that will mean his daughter might say to her mother “daddy gets cross with me” and the mother might take issue with the time he spends with her.
Maybe because he’s not full time on the parenting scene he’s not had a full chance at seeing the best practices in parenting.
I’d cut him some slack and just be nice.
Have you spoken to him about this directly in a nice way?

irishguy1983

Locker10a wrote: »

I wouldn’t say it’s a lost cause!!
You have to consider that perhaps seen as your boyfriend is not the “full time” parent for want of a better word, he approaches his daughter in a very softly softly way. Perhaps he’s after that if he’s a cross daddy she won’t want to come spend time with him. Maybe he’s terrified of pushing buttons that will mean his daughter might say to her mother “daddy gets cross with me” and the mother might take issue with the time he spends with her.
Maybe because he’s not full time on the parenting scene he’s not had a full chance at seeing the best practices in parenting.
I’d cut him some slack and just be nice.
Have you spoken to him about this directly in a nice way?

Some nice points....Maybe he doesn’t know any better and this could actually be an opportunity for you to maybe lead the way....

Ursus Horribilis

He might be a bit clueless rather than anything else. And maybe you're on the over-regimented side. I don't have kids myself but have nieces and nephews. There are times when trying to get them to eat anything is an uphill battle and having then in bed by 7.30 is a pipe dream. And although the parents of my nieces and nephews don't want their kids with their faces buried in a phone, there are times when they give them one to watch YouTube. Idealism often goes out the window with kids.

We don't know what the background to this situation is. Did he ever live with his ex after his daughter was born? What's the relationship between them like? Like the person above me, I wonder if he is being an indulgent dad to keep things on an even keel? For the little girl, time with her dad must seem like holiday camp.

I think you should talk to him but not in a confrontational way. Try asking questions "Do you think it's a good idea to be giving her ice cream before dinner". Do you know how he feels about her being up so late and cutting into your alone time? I don't think this matter alone is reason to throw away a relationship unless it's an indicator of his general attitude to life. Then you might have to think.

Big Bag of Chips

When you don't have children of your own it's very easy to see where others are going wrong with theirs!

Asking her can he change her nappy at 3 wouldn't be that unusual. This is around the time where she will start developing the feeling of needing to go/having gone to the toilet. So this is around the time where she will be realising if and when she needs changing.

The rubbishy food issue is something that he probably should clamp down on and hold off on the treats until after dinner. It can be an incentive to eat proper food first. But again, often to avoid arguments a parent will give in. It's definitely something he should try to change though.

YouTube at dinner time... I'd say many many many houses have the same issue. Do either of you look at your phones at the table? You could suggest a rule where there are no screens at the table and instead you all chat about what you did that day.

Is there a reason that his days with his child overlap with you being there? Has he asked you to be there to help out? If you are annoyed by his daughter being up late and interfering with your time together, maybe a compromise is for you to see him when he doesn't have his daughter over.

It can be very frustrating watching somebody else do all the "wrong" things with their child. I can't tell you how many things I swore I'd never do with my children...

It's not easy being a parent, and it's even more difficult assuming the parental role of a child that's not your own and that you don't have that instinctive bond with. Maybe try rearrange your time with him. And maybe suggest a few things, but you have to agree to them too (no screens eg).

Yellow pack crisps

Some excellent points already. I’ll advise from your point of view. Parenting is about compromise and not only between mother and father but as well with parents and kids. It’s haggling really. You can be the militant one of you wish but this will lead to many many conflicts. Take this as an opportunity to learn about compromise and how to get your point across without being demanding or all or nothing type attitude. 3 year olds are a complicated species.

Danzy

Not talking makes even the most loving relationship a lost cause, letting things build.

Start slowly discussing it.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

BF_parent wrote: »

I grew up where children didn't get sweets unless they ate their dinner. They went to bed by 7:30pm. They did what they were told - i.e. they did what the parent wanted, not the other way around. Am I totally out of touch with parenting today?

To some extent, OP, you may be a bit out of touch. We set strict limits on screen time for our kids, they have set bedtimes, and they get sweets and ice cream only as occasional treats -- but it's simply a reality that most other parents don't follow our style of parenting. Most of our children's friends think we're odd.

What rules does the child have to follow when she is with her mother? Are their styles of parenting drastically different? If so, they should probably try to get on the same page, because children benefit a lot from consistency. If this 3-year-old has to follow strict rules for one half of the week, and then it's anything goes for the other half, it's not an ideal setup.

You'll find plenty of articles online about the issues of children having too much screen time, eating too many sweets and sugary foods, and getting too little sleep. So you can approach this by sending him some articles and expressing legitimate concern. Don't make him feel attacked, and don't try to impose some super-regimented parenting style, but it sounds like basic ground rules like limiting treats, limiting screen time, and setting a fixed bedtime will benefit everyone.

Knine

I'm a parent & I honestly roll my eyes when non parents tell me how to parent or are experts in how to raise a child! It really is not easy and sometimes for 5 minutes of peace we will give them sweets. The mother of the child clearly trusts him with the child's care!

Have you even discussed any of this with him?

leggo

I was with a single parent who, let's just say, a lot of the decisions she made didn't fall into what I'd like for my own children. BUT...it wasn't my place to speak up. Not my kid, not my responsibility, not my business. So what do you do in that case? Accept that you're getting a glimpse into how this person is as a parent and gauging your compatibility on that level. It's actually a helpful sneak peak to get without having to go the whole haul, even if the results aren't to your liking.

This is who your partner is as a parent. Accept that and make up your mind if it's what you want or not. That's all there is to it.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

leggo wrote: »

This is who your partner is as a parent. Accept that and make up your mind if it's what you want or not. That's all there is to it.

That's a bit harsh. Someone doesn't automatically become an expert on parenting just because they've had a child. A lot of people—and especially men, it must be said—are utterly clueless about bringing up kids.

It's possible that the father in question would be receptive to feedback from the OP, but she has decided to hold her tongue and say nothing, while judging him for his poor parenting all the same. That strikes me as unfair.

I think she should talk to him about the situation and see if things change, rather than just assuming he will always be hopeless.

Ursus Horribilis

Aaliyah Cuddly Heat wrote: »

I think she should talk to him about the situation and see if things change, rather than just assuming he will always be hopeless.

I think how he reacts to a conversation about it could be very instructive. It is tricky when it isn't your own child and you need to be careful you don't judge.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think how he reacts to a conversation about it could be very instructive. It is tricky when it isn't your own child and you need to be careful you don't come across as judgy.

Agreed.

Ideally, it's the father and mother who should get on the same page about their parenting strategy. The child should have similar rules, structure, and diet regardless of whether she's at her mother's or father's house. The child will fare far better if there's consistency, and everyone involved will be happier.

cannotlogin

I would have the same reaction as you and think some of the comnents here are harsh.

This is a guy who is potentially the father of your future kids and if this is how he raises his existing child, then there's no reason to think he wouldn't parent yours in the same manner.

It is bad parenting, excessive sugar, screen time, inappropriate bed times. I would be turned off too but surely it's worth a chat before abandoning the relationship. People are very defensive of their parenting so he probably won't react well. It's a difficult situation but just wanted to post to say your reaction is very understandable.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the comments. To be honest I wrote it after a particular stressful day with them. I love him and I'm incredibly fond of her. She really likes me too which I'm sure is not always the case in these situations. Her parents separated when she was less than a year old. He does try really hard and is probably partly clueless and partly trying to keep her happy and make up for his guilt at not being there all the time. My time with him overlaps with her's because of my job and the fact that his ex randomly decides when he gets to have his daughter. He did say that it's good for me to spend time with both of them and I do agree with him. She is part of his life so they are a package deal. It's only lately as she discovered that she has choice and opinions etc that things are strained. I feel terrible when I have second thoughts because I know he's trying to keep us all happy. Sometimes I worry that he will wear himself out. I think that's why I've kept my mouth shut. I don't want to add to the stress & aggro in his life. I do try to help all I can without interfering or undermining him.

wiggle16

I'm kind of cautious posting on this cos I don't have kids of my own either.

I think other posters are probably right about him trying to be the "nice" parent and being a bit too lax because he wants her to see time with him as especially positive and fun, since he only has her part of the time. But it might be worth considering what her home life is like for the rest of the time.

It could be that he is treating her this way for the sake of an easy life when he has her, to make it more positive, or these could be the results of habits the child has brought over with her from her mother's home. If this is the way the child's mother parents her daughter the rest of the time then you might as well be p*ssing into the wind trying to make major changes on his end to a certain extent, because then this is her life 24/7. But if it bothers you I do think you could talk to him gently about it. I will admit these things would drive me mad as well, but I get that it's different when you actually have kids.

If you do bring it up, maybe avoid using the 2nd person in sentences; make it about the child, rather than about what he is doing.
"Should we go easy on the sweets today? She didn't eat her dinner yesterday at all." Or something to that effect?

Who cooks when you stay over? Might be an idea to have her "help" if you're making the dinner? I know 3 is quite young for that but even if she's just making a mess "helping" you it might provide a distraction from expecting sweets up until the time the food is ready. I think the no-screen-time at the table is a good idea too, might be a lot of hassle to enforce it though and I think you may have to pick your battles in that regard!

Might be a silly thing for me to ask but it's not clear from your post, but I'd assume by now she's at least started toilet training? Maybe you could bring that up in conversation with him if it's been a non-runner up until now.

leggo

Aaliyah Cuddly Heat wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. Someone doesn't automatically become an expert on parenting just because they've had a child. A lot of people—and especially men, it must be said—are utterly clueless about bringing up kids.

It's possible that the father in question would be receptive to feedback from the OP, but she has decided to hold her tongue and say nothing, while judging him for his poor parenting all the same. That strikes me as unfair.

I think she should talk to him about the situation and see if things change, rather than just assuming he will always be hopeless.

Yeah look it’s two different viewpoints on relationships. For me, I always feel that whenever you’re thinking along the lines of “I’m not happy with this but maybe I can change (something funadamental)” you’re on a hiding to nothing. Best case scenario there you MIGHT get short term improvements before a swift regression towards the mean because people are who they are as a result of years of being that way, and that’s not changing with a sit-down conversation or two.

Plus, have you ever tried questioning someone on their parenting ability? Even in this very thread people got defensive and started telling the OP she couldn’t understand what it’s like until she has her own. It’s not something that tends to get a good reception.

But still people will always think they’re both able and entitled to change someone, no matter how many times it fails for everyone who tries, and no matter how clear it is that a fundamental part of loving someone is accepting their flaws.

freedominacup

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

1. Parenting is about compromise

2. You can be the militant one of you wish but this will lead to many many conflicts.

3. 3 year olds are a complicated species.

1. Between parents to a degree. Between parents and 3 yr olds? Absolutely not. 3 yr olds do as they're told. End of.

2. So what. You're their parent not their friend.

3. No they're not. They are just discovering/understanding that there are ways they can influence the situation they find themselves in and are pushing hard to see how far they can get. It's a parents job to push back.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think how he deals with her is necessarily an indication of how he'd deal with children you'd have together. My husband has a child from a previous relationship. She was 4 when we started going out. He was very much a 'light touch' Dad with her. He never lived with her. He never lived with her mother. When she came to our house we baked, and painted, and went to playgrounds, often times we went out for something to eat. Her time with us was fun, because it was so short.

He lives with our children 24/7 and it's a very different set up.

She needs an earlier bedtime, for her own sake. Is she in playschool? She cannot possibly function properly if she is not going to bed until that time. (Although I know a woman who is in her 30s now, and her mother told me she only ever slept about 4-5 hours every night as a child!). A set bedtime is important as is proper food.

But I wouldn't be writing him off just yet. In theory being a parent to her should be no different to being a parent to a child he lives with. The practice isn't the same though. For a start you'd both be parenting your child together. Whereas he is trying to be a co-parent with another woman, whom he doesn't have a relationship with, from a distance.

It's not ideal.

It's not easy being in a relationship with someone with a child. Trust me, I've been here for 20 years! Especially when you know theory of how a parent should be. You need to consider if a relationship with a single parent is for you. No shame in saying it's not.

ElizaBennett

I would recommend you learn from my mistakes. My partner's daughter was 3 when we met. I hated his over indulgent parenting style but never said s word as it wasn't my place and he only had her 2 days a week. Basically he gave her every second of his time when he had her and didn't even do basic housework those days. The entire day was given over to fun and games with her. Once I raised it with him and told him You're teaching her it's all about her. He came back with: It is all about her. All of our meals involved conversation dominated by her and all of our time together was doing stuff with her. Resulting in the fact he unsurprisingly raised a monster who believes she's centre of the universe. I coped with all of this until he moved in with me. Now she IS my problem because she's under my roof two days a week. Two hellish days I might add which involve me scheduling my time to be out of the house as much as possible. We have no relationship and that's not right. So my advice to you is to get involved, say your piece, do small disciplinary things like correcting her manners etc. That's if you see a future with him. I so wish I'd done it and taken ownership of the situation. Now my partner always takes on board when I suggest parenting stuff to him as he knows he's messed up in some ways. E.g. she's now 8 and sent him a voice message using her mom's phone the other day asking how to spell a word as she thought it wa one way but her mum said it was another. He would have engaged with her on that! I said he should message her back that it's wrong to question an adult esp her mom and very disrespectful. And he did it. If only I'd given into my inclination to put my foot down 5 years ago. Best of luck. But you need to be sure he's worth it. Being around someone else's child that much is not easy and shouldn't be taken on lightly.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

leggo wrote: »

Yeah look it’s two different viewpoints on relationships. For me, I always feel that whenever you’re thinking along the lines of “I’m not happy with this but maybe I can change (something funadamental)” you’re on a hiding to nothing. Best case scenario there you MIGHT get short term improvements before a swift regression towards the mean because people are who they are as a result of years of being that way, and that’s not changing with a sit-down conversation or two.

Plus, have you ever tried questioning someone on their parenting ability? Even in this very thread people got defensive and started telling the OP she couldn’t understand what it’s like until she has her own. It’s not something that tends to get a good reception.

But still people will always think they’re both able and entitled to change someone, no matter how many times it fails for everyone who tries, and no matter how clear it is that a fundamental part of loving someone is accepting their flaws.

Well, speaking from personal experience, change can and does happen.

I had a child with another woman before I met my current partner. Looking back, I didn't have a clue about parenting. I figured that as long as the child seemed happy enough, I was a good dad. But she was getting too much screen time, eating far too much junk, keeping irregular hours -- a bit like myself at the time.

My partner also had a child from a previous relationship when we moved in together, and so it made no sense to have one child living according to my rules and the other child living according to hers. We had The Talk about parenting strategy, and the key was not to focus on what she wanted versus what I wanted, or who was right and who was wrong, but what was best for the children. There was little disputing that her more disciplined and structured approach made more sense.

We're still together. I've learned a lot from her about how to be a more effective parent, and my own approach is very different now. So that's why I think OP should give her own boyfriend a chance.

ShaShaBear

Coming from someone who is married to Daddy, I can tell you that the "giving in" to daughters isn't isolated to part-time daddies. My husband will still impulsively give the kids sweets when he shouldn't (like coming home from work even though he knows it's time for lunch :rolleyes: ) and will often let them stay up late to watch a movie with us or to read more stories or to spend longer in the bath. He is, without a doubt, the "fun" parent. I've spoken to him in private about certain things I believe he shouldn't do and why, and he listens. I wouldn't check him or my kids as he's doing something because that just confuses the kids and will make them think that they don't need to listen to him.

You obviously cannot just jump in and start to lay down rules or check his daughter. She isn't yours and you don't live there (one word to her mother about you scolding her would likely raise ructions). What I feel would be best is to take a mental note of the things you feel would cause the most issue and bring them up calmly once she is asleep or gone back to her mum's. I would focus mainly on the bedtime. It's going to have the most negative affect on her. A kid her age will not starve and while she may not touch her dinner, she isn't going hungry. Maybe find out if ye are preparing a dinner that she would normally eat at home. Better yet, as suggested, get her to help with some part of prep - even if its something as simple as stirring butter and milk into mash or sprinkling cheese onto her pasta. The screen time is each to their own, really. You might not like it but it might be part of her mealtime routine at home and could be a tough habit to break. I know we've done it at the table once or twice to keep them seated (although admittedly usually in restaurants rather than at home).

Ask him why he does things a certain way, and offer a suggestion on what you think might be better or easier. But please keep in mind that your "idea" of proper parenting is not the same as everyone else's. When two people decide to have a child, they generally discuss parenting styles and will mould together to a parenting unit that works for the child. It's also worth remembering that she lost the ability to spend time with her parents together and to see them happy and together as a family unit. Speaking as someone who came from a broken home, I know how upsetting that can be, and since dads generally get the short end of the stick with regards to visitation and rights, he might simply be doing all he can to ensure she is 100% happy while she is with him.

On the nappy thing, that's fairly normal for her age. She is nearing the stage of transitioning out of nappies, and Mum may have told him to check with her if she needs her nappy changed so she can learn to recognise the sensation of being wet or soiled.

leggo

Aaliyah Cuddly Heat wrote: »

Well, speaking from personal experience, change can and does happen.

I had a child with another woman before I met my current partner. Looking back, I didn't have a clue about parenting. I figured that as long as the child seemed happy enough, I was a good dad. But she was getting too much screen time, eating far too much junk, keeping irregular hours -- a bit like myself at the time.

My partner also had a child from a previous relationship when we moved in together, and so it made no sense to have one child living according to my rules and the other child living according to hers. We had The Talk about parenting strategy, and the key was not to focus on what she wanted versus what I wanted, or who was right and who was wrong, but what was best for the children. There was little disputing that her more disciplined and structured approach made more sense.

We're still together. I've learned a lot from her about how to be a more effective parent, and my own approach is very different now. So that's why I think OP should give her own boyfriend a chance.

That’s awesome that that worked for you, but do you see the different dynamic there and here? It’s very different saying “We need to get on the same page about how WE raise OUR children” to effectively saying “I want to tell you what I think about how you raise your child”. And also you were moving in together so it affected your shared home. In both instances your partner had a platform to speak from. That lack of platform is exactly what is causing the OP’s difficulty here. If she had both of those things, she’s likely not posting here right now at all.

Should she say something? I mean yeah, if it comes down to that or end the relationship, then she’s nothing to lose. But also it’s worth mentally preparing herself that trying to change something fundamental about someone is generally a hiding to nothing. So if this is something she can’t accept or move past, then giving false hope that change could potentially happen is the type of thing that could leave her stuck in a situation for years without things advancing an inch. So this is worth adding to the discussion, as is your own experience.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

leggo wrote: »

That’s awesome that that worked for you, but do you see the different dynamic there and here? It’s very different saying “We need to get on the same page about how WE raise OUR children” to effectively saying “I want to tell you what I think about how you raise your child”. And also you were moving in together so it affected your shared home. In both instances your partner had a platform to speak from. That lack of platform is exactly what is causing the OP’s difficulty here. If she had both of those things, she’s likely not posting here right now at all.

Should she say something? I mean yeah, if it comes down to that or end the relationship, then she’s nothing to lose. But also it’s worth mentally preparing herself that trying to change something fundamental about someone is generally a hiding to nothing. So if this is something she can’t accept or move past, then giving false hope that change could potentially happen is the type of thing that could leave her stuck in a situation for years without things advancing an inch. So this is worth adding to the discussion, as is your own experience.

Oh, I get that, absolutely. But I'd say that if the OP's relationship is to evolve, i.e., if they're to move in together, get married, and/or have children of their own, this discussion is probably inevitable at some point.

I don't see enormous make-or-break issues here. I'd agree with the posters who say that because he has limited time with his daughter, he wants to make sure that she has fun while she's with him, and he naively thinks she'll enjoy herself more if she can do and eat whatever she wants and stay up late at night. But I'd also bet that the girl is hell to live with and is being returned to her mother tired and cranky. The OP is annoyed at the situation too, so he is really doing nobody any favors here.

Basics like a set bedtime, and limits on sweets and screen time, are not all that hard to enforce. The child may protest at first, but she will soon get used to it. They can install software on her tablet (or whatever she uses) to limit screen time, or just turn off the WiFi. We start "wind-down" an hour before bedtime during which the kids are allowed to read or be read bedtime stories, but no TV or screens. These are all pretty easy fixes -- and I think that if the OP's partner sees the difference in a well-fed, well-slept, and non-screen-addicted child, he'll have no issues. At least I'd hope so.

OP should also remember that she'd be a 50% stakeholder in any children that she has together with this man, and so would have a lot more say in how her own kids get parented. At least she has an inkling now of what the issues might be, while women dating childless men don't know how they will be as fathers.

meeeeh

Is his daughter healthy, happy otherwise well behaved child? How much sleep does she get per night. Is she asked to go to bed earlier and ignores it? How many treats does she actually eat. One sweet is not the same to a piece of cake.

I'm not going to claim I'm any good at parenting or that I am doing things right but mine are happy and healthy kids who seem to be well behaved. But if I ask my brother his kids don't eat ketchup unlike mine and first one was two before he had first sweet. His are more active kids, their parenting style is more strict and might not always approve of my approach. Yet mine are much better behaved and much less annoying.

I certainly wouldn't advocate your partner's approach but sometimes we take issues in isolation and get bogged down on them even though the result itself is not problematic. Maybe you could ask him when does his daughter go to sleep at her mother's and point out that consistency in approach is good. If she is getting a bit chubby gently suggest reducing the amount of sweets. But it also depends on the child, I have one who eats almost everything and one who eats almost nothing. The approach with both was exactly the same.

I don't think nappy thing is an issue. We allowed you tube when mine were three when we were waiting for the food in restaurants. We don't allow it now that they are older (6 and 10) and able to hold conversation.

The most important thing I learned as a parent is that world is a lot less black and white when your own kids are involved and we often adjust parenting the way it works for us.

Yellow pack crisps

freedominacup wrote: »

1. Between parents to a degree. Between parents and 3 yr olds? Absolutely not. 3 yr olds do as they're told. End of.

2. So what. You're their parent not their friend.

3. No they're not. They are just discovering/understanding that there are ways they can influence the situation they find themselves in and are pushing hard to see how far they can get. It's a parents job to push back.

End off? No room for compromise? How do your kids learn and understand compromise if you’re too busy pushing hard back? Isn’t this learned behaviour? Conflict and how one deals with it is learned precisely from this age bracket. I’d rather have a kid knowing they have a bit of scope rather than just repeating behaviour from militant parents. You’re right I’m not their friend, I’m much more, I’m their view of the world in many ways and if I wanted to train something I’d get a dog.

meeeeh

Well whoever thinks three year olds do as they are told probably never spent more than 30 seconds with them anyway.

joeguevara

Firstly it is great that you have a good relationship with his daughter and it's amazing that he is a dad that is there when so many don't or are absent. It can't be easy for him and probably trying to make her stay as enjoyable as he can. You need to discuss and agree on what is good or not.

I think you have a guy that shows he is there for his kid and if he is good to you then he sounds great. Don't write him off when he is trying hard but talking and learning from each other is key. Good luck.

Naydy

Umm, I may be alone here but I think you are right to be concerned. Being a bit flexible with bedtime - fine. Odd few sweets as bribery - fine. Consistently letting a 3 year old fill up on sugar, eating next to no dinner and staying up until 11pm?? There's picking your battles for an easy life and there's being a lazy, sh*t parent and he is the latter (and yes I have a child and no I'm not perfect).

The idea that a man incapable of parenting his existing child on a part-time basis will somehow magically be amazing with a subsequent full-time one is naive at best. I have seen friends of mine fall into this trap. Their OHs are useless. Just like they were useless with their older kids. And the idea that he may be feeling guilty for not being there full time is such a cop out. The only way he is letting this child down is by not setting healthy boundaries and rules and being too lazy to parent her properly, not by not living with her and her mother.

OP by all means try and talk to him about your concerns but I've a feeling you won't win. She's not your child and you will be seen as sticking your oar in if you do try and change things. Don't have kids with him anyway, and if you do at least go in forewarned about what he will be like and don't expect any miraculous change in his behaviour.

Paddy Cow

Locker10a wrote: »

I wouldn’t say it’s a lost cause!!
You have to consider that perhaps seen as your boyfriend is not the “full time” parent for want of a better word, he approaches his daughter in a very softly softly way. Perhaps he’s after that if he’s a cross daddy she won’t want to come spend time with him. Maybe he’s terrified of pushing buttons that will mean his daughter might say to her mother “daddy gets cross with me” and the mother might take issue with the time he spends with her.
Maybe because he’s not full time on the parenting scene he’s not had a full chance at seeing the best practices in parenting.
I’d cut him some slack and just be nice.
Have you spoken to him about this directly in a nice way?

In fairness, if he has his child half the week, neither parent is part time. At some stage he's going to have to set boundaries and the older she gets, the harder it will get. Allowing a toddler to do what they want is one thing but what happens in ten years when she's a teenager and is used to getting her own way? Kids don't suddenly decide to be responsible. It's a parent's job to set those boundaries.

Op I think you are right to be worried and agree with the poster above. This is his parenting style and if you have a child with him, he's probably going to be the same. Does his ex set boundaries or do they both let her do what she wants?

If you see a long term future with him, you will have to have a discussion with him on how you both plan on parenting any future children. It's a tough one. New partners have absolutely no right to impose parenting views on their partner but you do have the right to know what would happen with your own hypothetical kids. This could be a deal breaker for you.