Advice on struggling student

the_new_mr

Hi folks,

I've been teaching grinds to a student recently in IT related subjects.

I feel absolutely awful saying this but the student isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box. The poor guy seems to be going through a lot in his personal life with his wife depressed, he seems to be suffering from depression and is on meds (which may or may not be affecting his performance - hard to tell) and he mentioned to me almost in passing that he slit his wrists a few years ago due to voices in his head.

I really feel for the guy and have given him classes at a discounted rate because I know he's under financial pressure as well.

Thing is, I'm starting to wonder whether what I'm doing is unethical. He recently failed in 6 subjects in his Christmas exams and honestly speaking, it's not looking good for the repeats in the summer. I think a bit of is also that he's a little lazy. But he just doesn't seem to be absorbing the information. So now I'm wondering whether it's wrong to keep taking his money.

I wondered whether I should tell him that I feel he should pursue a different career and that IT isn't for him. I mentioned this idea to someone I know and they said a teacher should never shake a student's confidence and tell them something like that and that a teacher should always build them up. After all, who knows where someone might end up? Einstein was crap at maths as a kid and his teachers would have been wrong to demotivate him.

Obviously, I'm completely torn as to what to do and am honestly terrified of the effect anything I say might have on him. I'm worried that if I tell him to pack it in, he might attempt suicide again. But I'm also worried that if he goes through more exams expecting and hoping to pass then that could push him over the edge as well.

Would appreciate your thoughts and advice on this folks. And would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar.

Thanks.

Petyr Baelish

Perhaps it would be best to let him come to his own conclusions about his career, as you said yourself you wouldn't want to cause him more upset. You already have a good idea that there is a lot going on in his life and chances are that there is a lot more besides. I do get the feeling from reading your post that whether or not he was to do something to himself again you might feel a sense of responsibility because of that but you don't. Intervening could only increase that feeling of responsibility or god forbid, guilt.

I hope that helps in some way.

the_new_mr

Petyr Baelish wrote: »

Perhaps it would be best to let him come to his own conclusions about his career, as you said yourself you wouldn't want to cause him more upset. You already have a good idea that there is a lot going on in his life and chances are that there is a lot more besides. I do get the feeling from reading your post that whether or not he was to do something to himself again you might feel a sense of responsibility because of that but you don't. Intervening could only increase that feeling of responsibility or god forbid, guilt.

I hope that helps in some way.

It does help. Thanks very much. I guess you're right. I should just let him come to his own conclusions.

Thanks again.

evolving_doors

Keep it professional. If he wants to keep learning stuff then keep teaching him. If both/either want to end, then end.

Discussions about cutting himself/depression should referred on, you're not qualified to advise on psychological issues...you could do more harm than good , tell him this.

When you're giving the lessons just stick to the topic. If it deviates into personal life just gently steer it back to the subject.

This seems to be affecting you and that's not fair.

the_new_mr

Yes. I have been careful not to comment on personal issues apart from giving messages of support. I know I'm not qualified. I am trying to keep it professional whilst being supportive (which I think he needs). I was just wondering whether I should tell him to stop taking the lessons as I started to feel bad taking his money. But Petyr's post convinced me that this is a decision he should come to himself.

Thanks for your post. Appreciate it.

the_new_mr

Hi folks.

So this student has gotten me more worried.

His mental state at a lesson today was quite worrying. He seems to be under more mental pressure than normal. He has dropped out of his course due to stress. He now plans to study alone (using grinds from myself) and prepare for the exams before going back into the course. He is quite delusional and I really don't think he has much chance. Sometimes he surprises me with giving the correct answer during a lesson. But most of the time it's clear that he's not absorbing the information.

He has since told me that he hears voices in his head. Some telling him good things and some bad. I have had people with mental issues in my family and I don't believe in stigma. But I must admit I'm a little unnerved and worried that saying this or that might make him worse.

I have referred him to the careers adviser in the college who I'm hoping might be able to steer him towards a more realistic career choice.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel there isn't much point in him taking the lessons. At least from an academic/professional point of view. He has told me that he enjoys learning the material (programming) so maybe I should concentrate on the value he's getting from it from this point of view?

I have asked him whether he's receiving help. His English isn't great and I find it difficult to understand him but I believe he is taking medication. But it wasn't clear whether he's getting some kind of counselling/psychotherapy.

Would appreciate your advice on this matter.

Postgrad10

Refer him to the counseling service in his college. I know he’s dropped out but he can still attend. I think your decision needs to be coming up with a reason as to why you need to stop the tuition. You are worrying too much about this one student , whom you are not qualified to counsel and it’s time to move on.

evolving_doors

Presume exams are coming up soon so you probably don't want to finish up with him (even though you do).
Get him to the exams and wish him luck.

Stanford

Despite what you might think or feel you are not responsible for this person's state of mind nor are you a professional counsellor, my advice is to make your concerns known immediately and refer him to the counseling service in his college, follow up with an immediate call to the service involved, if possible ask him if he has a GP and try to make immediate contact. It may sound harsh but this person is in no state to think about career choices etc. at this stage and your responsibility is to protect yourself while trying to get help for him. Get out of this situation immediately, he is not in your care but keep a record of any referral you make in case he injures himself or others.

Harsh words and easier said than done but remove yourself from this situation immediately.

Tom Dunne

One thing I have learned from dealing with students over the years is that there comes a time when you reach the limits of your professional competencies.

There is such a thing as caring too much. Knowing when to extract yourself from a situation is key to preventing this situation from deteriorating further.

As others have said, refer the student on and be done with him.

the_new_mr

Thanks for your advice folks. I was thinking of referring him on to the counselling or health services of the college so I think I will do that.

I don't know who is GP is. He did tell me their name but with his bad English, I found it impossible to understand. If I push for further detail, I worry he may get suspicious.

With some SMS between us (which I try to limit to keep things professional) since our last lesson, I have learnt that he plans to continue learning programming as a hobby as he gets enjoyment out of it and it helps occupy his mind. From this point of view, I feel him continuing the lessons may benefit him. I won't lie. I kind of wish I could just not give him lessons anymore. But it's difficult to ignore the positive influence (however small) these lessons may have for him. And his decision not to pursue it as a career has removed any guilt I was feeling taking his money for lessons in something I was all but certain he'd never be a success at.

I have a question regarding referring him on to the counselling services:

How can I do this in a way where he doesn't wonder why they contacted them? How can it be done in a way where he doesn't know I contacted them behind his back and betray his trust?

Postgrad10

I know you feel that you are helping him but it’s not going to end well if you keep going along with it. I suggest advising the counselors in the college of your concern and they can refer the matter to his GP/ Mental health team. They are more qualified to deal with this.

evolving_doors

I suppose its up to the person to take the first step, so I'd doubt the college councillors will invite him in for a chat out of the blue. gdpr being what it is they mightnt take it any further based on a strangers word.

But certainly ring the service and state your concern, they might be able to give you a sentence or two to encourage him in the right direction.

If he is going to drop out then tell him, at the very least, he should use the free services while he's still enrolled, as counselling would cost him a fortune outside and if he's back working in a job hell find excuses not to go.