Is this how therapy works?

Lovelyday26

I started therapy but finding the whole process very hard, im finding it very difficult to open up for a number of reasons. The first being that the therapist is male, I know he's a professional and this shouldnt be an issue for me but I dont feel I can open up in the same way I would with a female therapist.
The second problem is I feel he's sort of putting words in my mouth and twisting things. Im 30 something and most of what ive talked about have been things that happened in my childhood up to my early/mid twenties when I was in University. He asked me if ive ever taken drugs and I told him I had, recreationaly when I was younger but no longer take anything and haven't in years. I dont even really drink anymore and I dont smoke anymore either.
I know you dont need drink to have fun but at that age and because of the culture we live in, its how most young people socialise.

The therapist has been treating what I said about my past experiences with drugs as if it was an addiction, he's brought it up a few times - do I use drugs or alcohol to deal with stress etc and has brought it up in every session since I mentioned it.
Im very healthy now compared to my early twenties, I eat healthy, I look after myself, I dont even drink fizzy drinks, I go to the dentist every 6 months for check ups, I dont want to drink like I did or take anything that I did in my twenties, dont think id be able to if I tried, on a Friday night I love nothing more than ordering a pizza and watching netflix. People change as they get older.
He also said back to me a list of things id said to him in the previous session where he had asked about my first relationship which was when I was 19 and asked why it ended. I told him we broke up because my ex lied allot, the therapist said 'why do you think he lied' I told him what had happened and anyway, my ex at the time admitted to lying. Now as a 30 something year old I can look back at that relationship and see how immature we both were and I have a completely different approach to relationships now compared to when I was teenager. When the therapist repeated what id said in previous session he said that I experience paranoia - I tried to explain that I dont, I was only answering his question about why the relationship ended but it made no difference.
I told him about sexual abuse I experienced when I was a child by an older child, the therapist told me if I say the persons name he will have to write a report and inform the gardai as this person could be a risk to children. This is something that happened over 20 years ago and the person is not a risk to children or anyone for that matter, im afraid to open up about this again in case I accidentally say their name.
The therapist was assigned to me by the HSE, it took me a year on a waiting list to get this appointment so dont think I have the option to change therapists.

He's writing all this down which will be passed on to my gp.
Is there anything I can do?

Could you try to get another female therapist?..if you were referred by your gp, surely if you requested a female therapist it should not be a problem?..

Asking why a relationship broke up 10ish years ago doesn't seem relevant either..he doesn't sound like the best therapist really..

Lovelyday26

Deleted User wrote: »

Asking why a relationship broke up 10ish years ago doesn't seem relevant either..he doesn't sound like the best therapist really..

I didnt mind him asking about it and I wouldnt mind talking about it but I didnt appreciate how closed minded he was and how he wrote down that im paranoid, seems like a bit of a leap, we didnt even talk about it for long so he didnt get the full picture, just made a judgment and exaggerated what id said.

LegacyUser

Therapist isn't the right fit for you. Get out sooner rather than later. The wrong therapist can do more harm than good. I'm assuming cost is a factor in which case look into low cost counselling options like mymind or similar. And if ultimately you would feel more comfortable with a female therapist request one.

blairbear

OP, if you mentioned child sexual abuse in any capacity, he does actually have an obligation under the Children First Act to write a report about that person, regardless of whether you believe that person to be a risk to another child or not. That is a legal requirement of the therapist. Obviously he needs a name for that. So just on that note, he is not being alarmist or OTT.

LegacyUser

Drug use of any kind, relationship breakups and childhood abuse are among the most affecting, formative experiences you can go through and there's no time limit on when they stop affecting you. If you have a reason to be there, he has a reason to ask. And as to your abuser, unless they're dead then you're probably not in a position to judge whether they're a danger or not, that's one of the reasons for mandatory reporting.
The early stages of counselling generally involve some history taking and that's all that's happening. They also involve some resistance on your part and that's natural, but I'd advise sticking it out and letting the process happen.

seamus

It would be a relatively typical for a therapist to take what you're saying and provide an alternative perspective on it. This very frequently comes across as "twisting your words", because it sounds like they're turning your words against you.

In reality the purpose of therapy is self-reflection. The therapist is there to assist you in exploring yourself, not to be the one doing the exploring for you. But having someone else repeat your own words back at you with an alternative interpretation can be very unsettling and can feel like an attack. So you need to remember to keep it in your mind that the therapist is not trying to attack you.

If therapy isn't making you at least a little uncomfortable, then it's not being done right

Tbh, nobody here can tell you whether the therapist is wrong or right to be asking these questions or saying these things. Especially since all we're getting is your filtered side of the story.

As others have mentioned, he has legal obligations in terms of the abuse. If you're afraid of talking about it in case you say the name, then say that to the therapist. He may be able to suggest alternative ways of discussing it that will make you more comfortable.

If you're afraid that you won't be able to change therapist, but him being male makes you uncomfortable, then say that to him. That's something else that needs to be explored tbh. Try to imagine the therapist as being nothing more than a blank wall with no ego. Don't try to hold back for fear of offending them or shocking them. If they get offended, then they shouldn't be in the job.

the_pen_turner

Those questions seem very reasonable to me. A therapist can't help you without asking questions .there is always 3 sides to a story and nobody want to hear the truth. His opinion could be very close to the truth. He is being impartial or as much as he can with one sided info like this.

As for the paranoia. Who knows. Did you ask him why he thinks that. Maybe he is right maybe he is wrong

tara73

what you describe doesn't sit well with me. and from experience, there are a lot of unprofessional therapists (male as female) out there, so just because he has this approbation as a therapist doesn't has to mean he's professional in his sessions.

why did he ask why your boyfriend of approximately 2 decades ago lied to you? does he wants to find a reason you gave him 'reasons' to lie? could be other things why he asks but seems weird to me too.

also, why is he accsuing you of paranoia? that's a pretty big, big accusation to make. did he really say it in those words and what's his explanation for this statement?

also, why is he handing over everything you say in those sessions to the GP? I don't think there's a 'law' he's obliged to do that, especially with the new data protection law. You decided to do therapy and tell very personal things to this therapist, not to the GP. There could be very good reasons you don't want the GP to know everything.

I also understand you as a woman not being comfortable with a male therapist. that in itself is a reason to change, regardless of his professionality.

Faith

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of your post right now, but unless your therapist works in your GP’s practice and they’re exceptionally concerned about you, there’s absolutely no way he’s feeding back everything you say to the GP. No GP has time for that and no therapist has time for that. As a courtesy, he probably wrote to your GP saying”I have undertaken therapy with OP to explore XYZ on the basis of ABC referral”, with potentially some important details from the assessment that your GP should know, and he might write again when therapy ends to brief explain why.

Unless you’re a risk to yourself or others, he won’t be liaising with your GP on a regular basis.

It’s interesting that you’ve interpreted it that way though. I wonder what exactly he said that made you think that? How do you feel about being labelled “paranoid”? It’s a very judgemental term and I’m surprised if a therapist used it freely. Was that the actual wording he used to label you, or was it more of a question like “I wonder if you felt a bit paranoid about that”? Some mental health professionals are better than others, of course, but it’s impossible to tell from your post whether there’s an actual issue with the therapist.

Paddy Cow

seamus wrote: »

It would be a relatively typical for a therapist to take what you're saying and provide an alternative perspective on it. This very frequently comes across as "twisting your words", because it sounds like they're turning your words against you.

In reality the purpose of therapy is self-reflection. The therapist is there to assist you in exploring yourself, not to be the one doing the exploring for you. But having someone else repeat your own words back at you with an alternative interpretation can be very unsettling and can feel like an attack. So you need to remember to keep it in your mind that the therapist is not trying to attack you.

If therapy isn't making you at least a little uncomfortable, then it's not being done right

Sorry but that is terrible advice. Therapy is where you are supposed to be able to open up with your biggest, darkest fears and work on them without fear of judgement, only support. If your therapist is making you feel uncomfortable, they are not doing their job right. No therapist should make you feel attacked.

Op my first therapist was a disaster and sounds very much like yours. Things that I didn't want to talk about, she pressed beyond what I was comfortable with. I only had her for five sessions but felt worse after it and was so upset, I didn't turn up for the last session. My second therapist was brilliant. She didn't push me on certain issues, so I felt more comfortable with her and was able to open up more and ended up being able to talk about the issues I was reluctant to speak about in the beginning. She got me to open up by being respectful of my boundaries and non judgemental, which is exactly what a good therapist should be able to do.

Tbh, nobody here can tell you whether the therapist is wrong or right to be asking these questions or saying these things. Especially since all we're getting is your filtered side of the story.

As others have mentioned, he has legal obligations in terms of the abuse. If you're afraid of talking about it in case you say the name, then say that to the therapist. He may be able to suggest alternative ways of discussing it that will make you more comfortable.

Therapists do have a legal obligation but sometimes they can become fixated on the abuse, to the detriment of their client. I was sexually abused by a family member (which wasn't why I was attending therapy) and when the therapist heard that, she wouldn't let it go. She kept on and on until I gave her a name (it had been reported at the time) and made a big deal of her having to report it. It was very distressing for me for her to be dragging that up again when I had told her he was already reported and that's not why I was there. She was on a mission though and I honestly felt bullied into giving a name, she was so insistent. I'm older and wiser now so can empathise with the op and her situation. At the time I was too vulnerable mentally to tell the therapist to cop on and stop pushing the issue. She was supposed to be the professional and should have recognised the distress she was causing. I'm not posting this to make it about me but to show that I can completely understand where the op is coming from. Therapists have a duty to report sexual abuse if a patient reveals a name. If the patient doesn't want to do that, the therapist should respect that.

If you're afraid that you won't be able to change therapist, but him being male makes you uncomfortable, then say that to him. That's something else that needs to be explored tbh. Try to imagine the therapist as being nothing more than a blank wall with no ego. Don't try to hold back for fear of offending them or shocking them. If they get offended, then they shouldn't be in the job.

No it doesn't. When you are opening yourself up in such a vulnerable way, sometimes it's easier to do it with the same gender. Some women prefer to have smear tests done by a female. Some men prefer to have prostate exams done by a male. It doesn't mean they have underlying issues, it just means they are more comfortable with someone of their own gender.

A therapist is not a blank wall with no ego. The good ones don't have an ego and will get a good read on their patient and structure the therapy to suit the patient's needs. There are plenty of therapists out there who believe their ways are the best and end up causing more damage than good. It's very hard to stand up to the bad therapist. People end up in therapy because they are emotionally vulnerable and the last thing they need is to feel like they are in a confrontational environment when they are trying to work through their vulnerabilities.

Paddy Cow

Op trust your instincts. If your therapist is making you feel uncomfortable, that's not a good thing and is not how therapy should work. It's normal to feel upset after a session but that's not the same as feeling attacked/belittled. There were times with my second therapist that I went home and had a good cry because we had opened up the emotional flood gates and afterwards I felt absolutely drained but after a day or two, I generally felt better.

Therapy is a process but it's your emotions that should be upsetting you, not your therapist. If you come out upset because you have unlocked something and need to have a cry over it, that's completely normal. If you come out analysing what the therapist said and are afraid to open up to them, that's not and is only going to do more harm than good because you are teaching yourself that professionals aren't to be trusted and therapy is a crock. The right therapist can do wonders for your mental health. Try and change if you can.