drink issue or my issue

LegacyUser

Hi All,

So not sure if this is a personal issue or an issue with alcohol that my husband has.

So firstly his Dad is an alcoholic so I'm not sure if this taints my view of his drinking. My greatest fear is that he will turn into his Dad. This is also his greatest fear.

We have to small kids (both under the age of 2). We rarely go out as a couple and when we do I genearlly don't have an issue with his drinking. He will often want the night to go on while i'd be tired and be wary of having to mind kids the next day but he will normally head home when i want to after some persuasion. I'm also mindful on these nights of not wanting to leave at 11 (even though this is often what I actually want to do!)

So Friday and Saturday nights we will normally share a bottle of wine. Then I head off to bed. He will then stay up and have more drinks.. whatever is in the house. so if there's 4 beers, he will drink the 4. If there is 6 he will drink the 6. will come up to be bed anytime from half 1 to 3 oclock. then spends the week complaining about how tired he is. This drives me insane. I@m the one getting up with the baby every night. im also first up every morning to the kids.

Last night he was supposed to meet up with a friend of his. However he decided he didnt want to bother but was going to go for a few drinks alone. I'm not mad about him drinking on his own but didnt want to make a big deal of it. so off he goes.. and gets home about 2.20am (new time as clocks changed last night). He then stays downstairs and has another can (i didn't even know it was in the house so he obviously snuck it in). our son woke so i got up to him then came downstairs.. i told him to come to bed.. it was late. he didn't. then our baby woke so i got up to her and brought her downstairs to feed her. hes still up. now drinking water. im now fed up.. knowing im up again this morning with them and he wont show his head till all hours. anyways he accuses me of ruining his night out by being pissed off with him. that i always do it. in truth i do get pissed off often when he goes out as this is always what happens. he comes home, stays up drinking, comes to bed eventually then stays in bed till all hours the next day.

He doesnt get out often. hes a brilliant dad and every weekend will get up with the kids one of the mornings giving me a lie in. i had mine yesterday.

also last night when he came home he was tidying up and left presents and cards on the table for mothers day.

its now 1.30pm and still no sign of him.

i dont know if im over reacting? Or am i right to be concerned.

Thanks for reading..

LegacyUser

And this is why it's easier to stay single and not have kids.....
Seriously, 1.30pm and he's still in bed and you're left with two young kids? You're up doing night feeds/caretaking while he's getting pissed...did you really want this for your life? Did you sign up to having kids with this as the standard? Bit mad you'd willingly walk into this kind of life and basically looking after him and kids. He got presents...does no good tho when he doesn't do the work.

leggo

You’re definitely sensitive towards drinking because of your Dad anyway, but I would be too to be fair, so I try avoid people who casually drink like this because I’m not going to be compatible with them.

It’s tricky. Like on one hand I totally sympathise with you. One parent shouldn’t have to do all the work on the weekend so the other gets to drink and enjoy a lie-on. Do you ever get to stay in bed until 1.30 while he gets up?

Is he a full blown alcoholic that needs to go to rehab and change his entire life though? Based on what you said, I’d lean towards no. He definitely likes a drink, as evidenced by drinking whatever is there, casually drinking at home, going drinking by himself and it derailing the weekend as a result etc. He’s not a healthy drinker, but if it’s confined to a Friday and Saturday then I wouldn’t say full blown alco either. That’s more a bad habit to be nipped in the bud that could potentially develop.

I think it would be good for you to work through your issues with your Dad’s drinking, perhaps through counselling if you can’t resolve it yourself. While something needs to give with your husband, you also can’t blame him for your father’s sins and the anxiety you have that one day he *might* do the same. Then it’s worth an honest chat with your husband about this. I’d come at it from the angle of how getting up with the kids is supposed to be 50-50 and also how, as a father, he’s missing important stuff for the sake of getting pissed by himself. Make him consciously choose alcohol over being a good father and husband, basically, if that’s what he’s going to do by making him feel accountable for when he drinks. Then you’ve a better leg to stand on down the line if he does and can come at it feeling more assured that you’re right. Or it may work. He may break and tell you how hard he’s finding things as a relatively new parent and he needs the relief but that’s going to change. If it’s the latter, then great. If it’s the former, at least you won’t be questioning yourself when dealing with it because you laid it all out to him.

3DataModem

leggo wrote: »

You’re definitely sensitive towards drinking because of your Dad anyway

You may have misread, it is HIS dad, not her dad, that has the history. That makes things a bit different, IMO.

leggo

Apologies, you’re right. So he’s likely grown up with heavy drinking normalised, which isn’t great because he’s no scope for what’s regular behaviour at home. But it’s also something that could be used to your advantage OP if he sees and acknowledges the damage heavy drinking can do to a home.

.......

He definitely has a drinking problem that may or may not lead to full blown alcoholism.

The red flag behaviour is his drinking coming first before other responsibilities, drinking anything that is in the house until it is gone, always wanting to stay out later, always wanting more drink etc..

The main issue really is that his need to drink is selfish enough to leave you feeling like a single parent a lot and that this is justified by him "giving you a morning off" once a week. Simply put, he is not pulling his weight equally with you as far as parenting is concerned but choosing to drink instead.

1.30pm and not out of bed because he stays up late drinking alone?

Its just not acceptable IMO.

Always Tired

leggo wrote: »

Apologies, you’re right. So he’s likely grown up with heavy drinking normalised, which isn’t great because he’s no scope for what’s regular behaviour at home. But it’s also something that could be used to your advantage OP if he sees and acknowledges the damage heavy drinking can do to a home.

It's also been proven that alcoholism is genetic, in studies of adopted children and twins.

The American psychiatric association now considers drink problems as more of a spectrum, rather than labelling people alcoholic/not alcoholic, which i think is much more helpful. This man sounds like he is in the 'almost' alcoholic stage on their spectrum, which means he drinks socially but it doesn't always stop there.

Unfortunately drink problems tend to get progressively worse unless the person makes a real effort to stop, which has to come after admitting there is a problem in the first place, which can be the most difficult hurdle.

Dont start by accusing him of being an alcoholic, and try not to turn it into an argument. Tell him you expect him to make his family the number one priority. Tell him you don't want any more drink kept in the house as a safeguard against the pattern of problem drinking which his family has. Children start observing and normalizing it much earlier then you think. I come from an alcoholic home and clearly remember taking sips from my dads beer as a child, thinking it must be brilliant stuff if he drinks it every night.

I got the gene as well and like your husband, I often found that once I got the taste, I would keep drinking. Whereas normal people can stop after a reasonable number/time, are wary of being too hungover the next day etc, we get so enamoured with the buzz that we want to keep it going. I think a lot of people with drink problems are trying to compensate for a lack of serotonin in their brain, as depression and drink issues go hand in hand. They also tend to be overthinkers. Those who are sort of 'happy go lucky' tend to have less dependency on drink and can take it or leave it.

If you're the type who can't stop once you start then the best thing to do is use all your willpower to avoid taking that first drink. Because without taking the first one you cannot get drunk, right? But if you take the first one, you're all but guaranteed to get drunk. Perhaps suggest this to your husband (it's a strategy from AA).

meeeeh

I don't know op but to me it almost feels as someone trying to wind down during weekend and it's almost like having quiet time when everyone goes to bed. I'm not sure alcohol is the only issue here. I wouldn't worry about an odd night out, if they are not to often they are not an issue, it's the drinking and not getting to bed when at home that is more destructive and unhealthy for everyone.

What was the routine before you had kids? I stayed up longer when kids were younger just because I wind down after the constant go during the day. I'm also less likely to go to bed when stressed. But whatever the reason it's not working for you and you have to take on the lion share of responsibilities. I'd be less worried about alcohol consumption than about lifestyle that doesn't really take kids into account.

Goodigal

Just a couple of observations. He's not a great dad, and he's not a great partner from what I have just read. You are doing most of the parenting and you don't need another child to mind. You need to sit down and talk about what's expected from both of you, especially in relation to the children. They come first. It may well lead into a chat about how his drinking is negatively affecting your marriage. But only he can own up to that one.

Yes, a lot of dads choose to stay downstairs later, and unwind, but he needs to pull his weight in relation to looking after the children when they wake. And I think it's very unfair that he's still in bed at 1.30pm on Sunday. You can't do everything yourself. As other people said, you didn't sign up for this. It's very one sided parenting. So try having a conversation about it now before it festers. Good luck.

Augme

He sound like a terrible dad and partner. Even outside of the drinking I think the fact that he never gets up at night to do the feedings or is never first up in the morning is a disgrace. If my sister was married to someone like that I'd go through him.

Ignoring the drink I think you need to sit down with him and starting telling him that he needs to start actually putting some effort into looking after the kids and you. I think his behaviour is incredibly selfish and that's a huge worry in the long term.

miamee

He doesnt get out often. hes a brilliant dad and every weekend will get up with the kids one of the mornings giving me a lie in. i had mine yesterday.

This line stood out to me. He is not a brilliant dad at all, he gives you a lie in one day out of 7 (I realise whilw working this might be all he can do), he lets you do all the night time feeds and comforting when the kids wake up and then gives himself a full night and day off to stay in bed til 1.30pm and beyond while you do all of the parenting tasks. I'm annoyed on your behalf tbh. How long was your lie-in on Saturday? I bet it didn't last until lunch time or anything close, did it?

To get back to your original question, his drinking is taking preference to spending time with you or your children. If it's like this every weekend or most weekends, then yes it'd be a problem for most people. If it's once in a while then maybe you can learn to put up with it but also ensure that you get a night away without the kids as well. Although he might not leave the house, he is getting time away from them by staying up drinking all night and sleeping all day. Even if you only go to stay with a friend to watch tv in your pjs and get a takeaway, it's important to have a bit of a break for yourself as well.

farmchoice

now 'im not excusing his behavior or saying that he is not drinking too much but i will say this.
as you know having 2 small kids is stressful and its all consuming.


i was that soilder i know. now in my defense i never shirked my responsibilities i probably did more night feeds then my wife and i have not slept in past 10.00am in 10 years, and would nerv miss my turn for a feed.



but if i did go out i would be mad for the night to go on and on and if i was drinking at home i loved to sit up on my own having a few. a lot of my friends did the same( not all) and some still do.



i thinks its natural enough to need the release and the time alone, my wife didn't like it either and in the end i stopped but i think it was manly because the kids were getting older and life was easier.