BF wants braces...concerned about timing

Pharmie275

Hi,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He’s almost 33 and I’m 31. A few weeks ago he decided he wanted to get braces and has a consultation on Monday. I think his teeth are lovely but he said food gets caught in the bottom row and it bothers him.
This is making me feel anxious because I think the timing is not great. We have just bought a house that needs a lot of work. I have funded most of the deposit and I was planning on using the money from selling my own apartment to help with renovations.
We have spoken a lot about marriage recently, he asked me what style of rings I like and I suppose a wedding is something I have envisioned happening quite soon (next 1-1.5 years)
If he gets braces they will probably be on for 2+ years. We both want at least two children and we want to be married before we start a family (for practical reasons, financial etc)
I'm also a bit worried about my age and fertility, I have close friends and family who have struggled to conceive and went through fertility treatment
I realise that it's his decision and he would be paying for it himself so I'm nervous about having a conversation about it
I’m looking for advice how to approach this?

cannotlogin

Maybe he wants fix his teeth before the wedding...a lot of people do.

But seriously, if you have bought a house together and are considering marraige/kids together, you should be able to easily talk about this.

Faith

Your post is a little confusing because you don’t actually state what the issue is. You say it’s timing, but reading between the lines, it seems it’s financial?

Did you not discuss budgets etc before buying a house that needs a lot of work? Have you ever discussed budgets? If not, now is the time to start! Sit him down and say “Hey Brian, we’ve potentially got a lot of expenses over the next few years with the house, a wedding, etc. Let’s see how much we’re in a position to save each month. We’ll need to put X aside for house renovations, Y aside to save for a wedding, and Z for a rainy day fund. Have you considered how you’re going to pay for the braces with all of those other costs?”.

Paddy Cow

If he doesn't get his teeth done now he never will. Once ye have kids they will be the priority.

December2012

Do you think you won't get married until his braces are off? I mean you can plan and budget so I don't really see what the problem is. Realistically how much will it cost?

Ursus Horribilis

Like the others, I'm having a bit of difficulty figuring out what's going on here. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling that both of you may have differences when it comes to money. Are you better at saving than he is? Do you earn more than he does? Just in case you don't know it already, money is one of the main reasons marriages fail. I'm not saying you shouldn't marry him or anything (far from it) but it's something to be aware of.

You're also making a lot of assumptions about him and his teeth. If he's not happy with them and feels they need to be fixed, it'd be unfair for you to try and stop that. Also, without him going for this consultation neither of you know how much it will cost or how long it'll take. If you think he'll be wearing them for 2+ years, they must be in a much worse state than you seem to think they are. Are you sure you're not catastrophising here?

This isn't just about his braces, is it? You're anxious about a lot of things here - selling the apartment, getting your house fixed up, the wedding, kids etc. How much have you truly spoken to him about this? As in a proper conversation?

Pharmie275

Thanks all for advice, it's true we definitely haven't talked about this enough.
We have to sort out house insurance so I'll use that to open up a conversation.
Ursus Horribilis - you are right I am anxious about a lot of things I suppose, I'm at a point where I'm thinking a lot about the future and looking for security and stability so all these feelings are coming up. I do tend to avoid these types of conversation, it makes me uncomfortable, but I gotta do it!

Ursus Horribilis

Good - you two need to talk. Just be careful not to make your boyfriend's braces the battleground on which this is fought. From his point of view, I can see all sorts of reasons why he'd like to sort the issue out now and I think you should let him. It's not the worst thing he could be spending his money on - it's an investment in himself and it may be something that has been on his mind for years. He may see this as his last chance to get his teeth sorted before weddings and babies and all the other commitments start coming in thick and fast. I've a friend whose now ex went off and blew a fortune on boys toys when they were trying to get their deposit together.

I think it'd be better to include it as part of a bigger conversation about budgets and how much you're going to be spending/saving going into the future. What you could do is discuss shopping around and seeing if he can get the work done elsewhere for less. Don't try to stop him though.

Xterminator

OP - he works and is planning to get married soonish, yes?

If his teeth bother him of course he should get braces. He probably put it off for some time already and it could be the thought of the wedding that is driving him to take action.

If it is an issue for him and his self image, i think you should be supportive. you don't spell out what the issue is, but if your planning to spend thousands on a wedding it isnt too much for him wanting to look his best?

TimeToShine

Let him get the braces, chances are they'll cost as much as wedding ring for something that will do wonders for his self confidence for the rest of his life. I agree with the above in that there are bigger financial issues at play here.

Teyla Emmagan

Maybe he just wants to look good on his wedding day? And I am not being facetious. Or he is thinking about his future. I have a friend who is wonderful but he has terrible teeth and his wife would love him to get them done because she thinks they are holding him back in his career. And she may even be right. As someone else said if you are lucky enough to have kids that will be the end of his disposable income for a long time. Or instead of buying you an engagement ring why don't you tell him to spend the money on his braces? And you can still get married and he can get his teeth done. Either way you two have a lot coming up, you need a BIG chat :-)

lawred2

Pharmie275 wrote: »

Thanks all for advice, it's true we definitely haven't talked about this enough.
We have to sort out house insurance so I'll use that to open up a conversation.
Ursus Horribilis - you are right I am anxious about a lot of things I suppose, I'm at a point where I'm thinking a lot about the future and looking for security and stability so all these feelings are coming up. I do tend to avoid these types of conversation, it makes me uncomfortable, but I gotta do it!

You need to use a stalking horse to open up a conversation about what is quite simply one of the most mundane topics possible...

How are you going to deal with real stuff?

Pharmie275

Thanks for advice... all taken on board.
Had a discussion last night.
We talked about his appointment, I said hey I know you probably wouldn’t want to get married while you have braces on (2 years) but will we say in the next three years, he just sort of mumbled yeah and shrugged.
I also said I didn’t want to wait too long to try to start a family, the only person in my family including who had children in her 30s was my aunt and she had to get fertility treatment. Expressed my concerns about getting older. He said ‘but you’re only a baby, you’re my baby’ and kind of laughed it off.
Feel like he didn’t take it on board, maybe he’s scared, maybe cold feet, I don’t know but I’m not going to bring it up and let him think about it.

(By the way I’ve concluded that the financial element really isn’t what was bothering me at all)

Loveinapril

Just on the wedding thing, an old colleague of mine had braces and got them removed for a week around her wedding, then put back on, so that is a possibility

MissShihTzu

Lots of dentists also offer payment plans. Something to consider perhaps?

My husband got an inheritance, and decided to get some extensive dental work done. Yes - we could've spent the money in other ways, especially as I wasn't working at the time, and we needed a new car. But it was something he wanted, so he went ahead and got the work done. He's a lot happier now and more comfortable.

Is it the engagement/wedding that you're thinking of? Are you thinking if the money's spent on the dental stuff, the wedding might be delayed??

Ursus Horribilis

Do you feel any more reassured after this conversation than you did? Because going by what you've just written, I wouldn't be. Him getting those braces is neither here nor there really but all that evasiveness is alarming. Out of curiosity, whose idea was it to buy the house together?

Pharmie275

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you feel any more reassured after this conversation than you did? Because going by what you've just written, I wouldn't be. Him getting those braces is neither here nor there really but all that evasiveness is alarming. Out of curiosity, whose idea was it to buy the house together?

I don’t feel reassured, no
It was a joint decision, we have been planning it quite a long time and had been saving for a deposit for over a year now

Paddy Cow

Pharmie275 wrote: »

Thanks for advice... all taken on board.
Had a discussion last night.
We talked about his appointment, I said hey I know you probably wouldn’t want to get married while you have braces on (2 years) but will we say in the next three years, he just sort of mumbled yeah and shrugged.
I also said I didn’t want to wait too long to try to start a family, the only person in my family including who had children in her 30s was my aunt and she had to get fertility treatment. Expressed my concerns about getting older. He said ‘but you’re only a baby, you’re my baby’ and kind of laughed it off.
Feel like he didn’t take it on board, maybe he’s scared, maybe cold feet, I don’t know but I’m not going to bring it up and let him think about it.

(By the way I’ve concluded that the financial element really isn’t what was bothering me at all)

He'd want to be making up his mind about what he wants in the future regards marriage and kids. Ye've just bought a house together and by the sounds of it, you're putting most of the money needed into it. That's a huge commitment and one he should be taking seriously.

strandroad

Pharmie275 wrote: »

. We have just bought a house that needs a lot of work. I have funded most of the deposit and I was planning on using the money from selling my own apartment to help with renovations.

Is he funding his half to the same degree? If not, why? I would worry about his spending on braces if he wasn't pulling his weight with the house financing; otherwise it's a perfectly reasonable health procedure which should be done sooner rather than later for best results.

You can always marry quietly so that the cost is not much of an issue at all. It only becomes one if you want large wedding, expensive rings etc. His dismissal of your age related worries is concerning though. Are you sure that he genuinely wants children or is it something that he agreed with you about to keep you happy?

Pharmie275

strandroad wrote: »

Is he funding his half to the same degree? If not, why? I would worry about his spending on braces if he wasn't pulling his weight with the house financing; otherwise it's a perfectly reasonable health procedure which should be done sooner rather than later for best results.

You can always marry quietly so that the cost is not much of an issue at all. It only becomes one if you want large wedding, expensive rings etc. His dismissal of your age related worries is concerning though. Are you sure that he genuinely wants children or is it something that he agreed with you about to keep you happy?

No he’s not, I earn more, I have a lot more savings and I am also selling my own property so will make money from that. I wouldn’t want to stop him though from getting braces if that’s what he wants.

I was sure but now I’m not so sure, I’m not going to bring the subject up again for now and maybe he’ll think about what he wants.

The important thing for me to know right now is that I’ve expressed myself

Tiddlypeeps

Pharmie275 wrote: »

No he’s not, I earn more, I have a lot more savings and I am also selling my own property so will make money from that. I wouldn’t want to stop him though from getting braces if that’s what he wants.

I was sure but now I’m not so sure, I’m not going to bring the subject up again for now and maybe he’ll think about what he wants.

The important thing for me to know right now is that I’ve expressed myself

I wouldn't just assume he is going to go off and have a hard think about it based on your description of the interaction, he didn't seem to take it very seriously at all.

If this is something you need him to think about and make his mind up about then you need to communicate that to him. You don't need to force the issue and demand a decision there and then, but you need to let him know it's something he needs to make his mind up about.

As it is, if you bring this up again in the future after you think a sufficient amount of time has past, you'll be extremely frustrated if his response is that he hasn't given it much consideration.

strandroad

Pharmie275 wrote: »

No he’s not, I earn more, I have a lot more savings and I am also selling my own property so will make money from that. I wouldn’t want to stop him though from getting braces if that’s what he wants.

Forget about his braces for a moment; you are at serious risk if you already funded most of the deposit and now you're paying more towards the mortgage, and next you plan to plow the profit from your other property into some expensive house renovations too.

At the end of the day you are only liable for 50% and should you ever split he will want 50% regardless of how little he contributed in comparison. It doesn't seem that you are on the same page with regard to the future and nature of your relationship at all. I think you have some serious thinking and talking to do. I would not invest anything extra at all before you know where you're heading.

_Kaiser_

I think the braces discussion is a side-issue to the real problem.

The OP has the next few years of her life all planned out and timetabled and isn't thrilled because her fella is upsetting that timetable with the idea of getting some potentially expensive work done for himself, and he's not reassuring her otherwise.
Like a lot of young guys, I think he's going along here in an effort to keep her happy, but in truth he may not be ready for all this yet.

The fact that they can't even have a straight talking conversation about it is a much bigger problem and warning sign to me. I'd be thinking putting off the wedding plans rather than the braces until ye sort this out OP.

Pharmie275

strandroad wrote: »

At the end of the day you are only liable for 50% and should you ever split he will want 50% regardless of how little he contributed in comparison.

I have thought about this and I have asked my solicitor for advice so that I am legally protected, myself and my partner will take the deeds as tenants in common so if we had to sell, our share in equity will reflect our actual contributions.
We agreed ( partner and I ) this was fair.

_Kaiser_

.. One other point I'll add.

Life is never as regimented and structured as you seem to be thinking OP - not when you introduce mortgages/renovations, expensive weddings, and especially kids into the mix on what seems like a very aggressive timetable.

You're trying to do too much too fast I think, and you need to BOTH be fully on-board and committed (which I'm not convinced ye are). When you start dealing with real problems like unexpected problems with the house, or sick kids, then these problems you're having now will really be exposed.

You need to take a step back from your plan, think about what is actually important to you (not just what other people are doing/expecting as I know that's a factor too) and have an honest calm discussion with him. If you aren't on the same page, it's time to put on the brakes until you get there, or decide IF ye can get there at all.

zapper55

Yeah it doesn't sound like he's fully on board at all.

Also with the co-habiting legislation I'd be surprised if your agreement held up in court.

Could you buy by yourself? It really sounds like this guy is agreeing to it because it's easier at the time.