Am I emotionally dead or do my family have anger issues?

LegacyUser

Female mid 20s. I live with flatmates but I visit home quite often. I have a sister on the spectrum and a dad. Growing up our dad wasn't home a lot, so most of our time was spent with our mother, who was very physically abusive towards me, and lesser towards my sister. She would blow up over the smallest of things daily, and then beat the crap out of me. Growing up seeing this anger, I guess we thought of it as normal. Seeing it daily definitely normalised violence and anger. My sister and I would have the most horrific fights, we knew no better. Till I hit my teens and I knew this wasnt normal. I would have yelling matches with family members but I never got physical even if they got physical with me.

I moved out for college when I was 18 and since then I have become increasingly more pacified, to a fault. I shy away from any sort of conflict. In work or with my flatmates if someone starts to get angry with me I will literally walk away if possible, and if not, I smile and try to normalise the situation. I'll smile and nod even if I don't agree with the person. If my flatmates do something which annoy me I ignore it, or internalise my frustration, I never ever bring up the issue with them. If theres a problem at work I really struggle to come forward with the issue, I struggle to even bring the words out of my mouth, if someone opposes me in someway I just let them have their way. Its easier than fighting or even debating.

At my home house things are different. Obviously disagreements with flatmates and co workers are civilised for the most part. At home, things can get insane. If my dad or sister get angry and start yelling at me over the phone I cant cope with it and I have to hang up on them without warning. My sister has a sensitive fuse, she gets angry at the smallest issue, and she will absolutely loose it, and start screaming and hitting me. I can't even bring it to myself to raise my voice. Its bad if I have to raise my voice, not yell, just a louder upset tone. My dad looses the rag too. The 3 of us were just recently involved in a conflict. My dad screamed so loud there is no way that our neighbours up the road did not hear, his face went red/purple with anger with veins popping out of his forehead. My sister was screaming equally as loudly and hitting me. Both calling me horrible names and throwing insults, all I could do was just speak and explain what happened in my normal tone. This is just a typical example of what happens sometimes and try to explain what happened, no profanities, no insults, just trying to explain what happened in as few words as possible. I feel anger, and sadness but I cant express it. I tend to get sad more so than angry, and if I do get angry about something, the most I can bring myself to do is maybe have a quick 5 minute rant.

Do other people get as worked up about certain issues as my family do. I don't know if they get this worked up and its normal, or if ts because they were so used to my mother lashing out that way that to them its normal to get so angry over something.

I don't know if I am abnormal or if my family have anger issues or am I just emotionally dead. My flatmates tell me stories about how maybe recently they had a good weep with such a person over a usually small pedantic issue. I feel like I can't express emotion, or maybe I don't feel or get as much or many emotions as other people. I cry, but alone in my room. I feel anger, but normally if its something that isn't pedantic, if its something big, I just write about it in my diary (if its something small I'll have a quick, almost comical, rant to my friend). I don't know if maybe I'm just dead, maybe I have a heart of stone?

zapper55

You are neither heartless or dead inside. You are having a very normal reaction to a horrific abnormal situation.

Your dad and sister are abusive. Can you avoid going home? You do not need to put up up that abuse.

I think counselling would really help you. It really really doesnt have to be this way.

Big Bag of Chips

I am 41. In my 41 years of life I have had 1 argument with 1 particularly difficult sister where voices were raised. It didn't become physical. Constant screaming matches and physical violence are not normal. Nobody should be having that many arguments. What is so important that it brings up this reaction every time? Surely if things had to get heated it would be occasionally rather than daily.

Your family know no different. It's how they communicate. But it's not normal. You have no power to change them though. I would avoid them and only be in their company when it is absolutely necessary. Family weddings, funerals, that sort of thing. You don't have to put yourself in their path. There is no reason for you to visit home regularly just to be subjected to abuse. It's not going to change.

And I would definitely encourage you to go to counselling, maybe a psychologist, ask your GP. When you feel a bit stronger in yourself and after figuring some of the issues out you could then look into an assertiveness course somewhere. Discussions or disagreements in work or with flatmates don't need to turn into arguments. In truth most people dislike conflict or confrontation, so most people will talk ideas of situations through and come to a compromise. You shouldn't have to avoid all discussions like this.

B0jangles

You're probably phobic about showing or even feeling strong emotion because your life up til recently has taught you that strong emotion is abusive and frightening. Your family's 'normal' is not yours, and it's not most people's. It sounds like you've developed a coping mechanism to avoid setting off your sister and father's rages, and if they do go off, to minimize how much emotional pain they can inflict on you. Hence the tendency to avoid conflict and the emotional flatness you describe.

I think you need to stay away from them as far as possible and probably get some counselling/therapy to help you cope with your own history of trauma and relearn how to feel and express your emotions in a way which is healthy and comfortable. I'm so sorry you've already had to deal with so much, I really hope the future holds alot more kindness and calm for you

Ursus Horribilis

I second the advice already given about you going for therapy. It's good that you've recognised that there is a problem with the way you deal with conflict. With the horrific upbringing you had, how could it be otherwise? If you don't learn to be assertive, you're going to go through life with people walking all over you. Colleagues, partners, people you deal with outside of work etc. It would also be helpful to have therapy to help deal with the buried emotions you have. There's only so long you can bury your feelings and pack all your hurt, anger, grief etc.