Partner of 12 years, her approach to work/life is affecting me

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for 12 years, we have a son and are both in our late 30s (she is a a few years older than I am). We met doing a highly competitive legal Masters' programme, she had a few years of professional experience before, while I never had a proper job. In fact, she was determined to have a career, while I was a sufficiently bright student with no idea what I wanted in life.

Soon after, we both got pretty good jobs in an international public sector organisation. I was quite convinced she would succeed more than me. Surprisingly, I am still there. She however got bored after a few years and started her own business. She put a lot of initial effort into this and it worked very well for 2-3 years (if I'm honest, I almost joined her) but has been on a very steep decline since.

Instead of trying to change things or go back to a stable job, she is happy with her life and trying to push ahead with something that really is not working (and as I see it does not provide anywhere near the return for the effort invested). She enjoys her flexibility, and is happy not to have a boss, spends weeks visiting her parents or working from wherever she wants to be. Now, on top of everything else, she wants to go back to college and do a Bachelors' in a totally unrelated field simply because she finds it interesting.

We live reasonably comfortably but I feel the freedom she enjoys (and is proud of) comes at the expense of the security I see other professional couples enjoying, and me being firmly stuck in my job. She doesn't really acknowledge this, answering that I am free to take a risk and try anything I want, and we will find a way (even if it comes at the expense a secure job, company provided private health insurance for the family, paid private schooling and decent pension scheme).

Of course, it's not all bad. She's a fantastic and fun partner, contributed massively to our life when things were going well for her and continues to, and certainly has the time flexibility to be a more dedicated parent than I am and pick up our son from school and take him to activities...

I probably sound like a controlling partner, but I just feel this is not quite what I signed up for.

LegacyUser

It's understandable; you're frustrated & envious that she's getting to do all the "fun" things (flexible hours, more time with family, no boss) whilst you're stuck being the reliable safety net.
Who would be funding the Postgrad course? Is she just doing it for the lols or does she see it as a potential career option/money earner at some point? Does she contribute financially to mortgage, bills, ect at the moment? What are her plans for retirement, for your child's college funds, for future children?
You should definitely attend counselling to discuss your game plan now & long-term. Otherwise the resentment will build up& build up &become like a poison in your marriage.

Big Bag of Chips

It might not be a popular viewpoint in this day and age, but when families have children, it mostly falls to the woman to put career to the side. I understand your frustration, but, if your partner was working full time hours in a competitive industry, what would be happening with your son? Would he be in childcare for a large portion of the day? Would he have the flexibility to attend whatever activities he goes to?

We have children and I became a stay at home parent for the early years with my husband continuing to work full time. I've recently gone back to work on a part-time basis. Sometimes the better option, if you can afford it is one parent at home. It makes life so much easier.

I think you need to talk to her and see what you both think is the best option for you as a family. You talk in very business like terms "return for the effort invested", "it comes at the expense a secure job, company provided private health insurance for the family, paid private schooling and decent pension scheme". These are valid points, but they don't take into account your child right now who needs ferrying around and looking after.

Have a chat with each other. At the moment you both seem to be seeing life from opposite sides. See can you both understand the other's viewpoint and see can you come up with a general plan for what you both feel is important in the near and distant future.

LegacyUser

OP it's not clear from your post if you are funding your wifes lifestyle? You say her business is in decline so is your salary making up the shortfall or is she still making enough to cover her side of things? if you are covering things so she can live how she wants that has to stop asap. it's not realistic and she needs to stop living a lifestyle she can't afford.

However if that is not the case and your post reads like it isn't it feels like you are two very different personalities that see things differently. Your post comes across very analytical and while she's more free wheeling. Neither one of you is right or wrong but you are a team so you need to figure out a balance. It can't all be about security and pensions etc but at the same time it can't all be living in the moment. You need to sit down and have honest conversations about what you both want for yourselves and kid both short term and long term. My dad stayed working a dead end job that was slowly killing him because 'security and pension' and we had a family meeting (yes including kids) to discuss. We told him we'd find a way to manage for him to try changing careers and it was the best choice for us as he found a job that yes paid a little less but resulted in a much happier father whose quality of life was a million times better.

You need to sit down together and be honest. Maybe it's you both run the business together but she has to hand over some major parts to you to manage in a more structured way.

Include your son in this conversation if you think he is old enough - when our parents include my siblings and I in what was a major life change it was eye opening to them what we cared about as they'd become blinded to so obsessed with what society was telling them parents should be like and our family should be doing and having.

suicide_circus

are you happy in your job?

Car99

She said that you are free to take a risk and try anything you want, and ye will find a way. Sounds reasonable to me , sounds like she wants to live her life now as she wants and youre free to do the same . You are worried about the future she is not so worried. Take a sabbatical and see how it works out. Best of luck with it.

zoobizoo

Why isn't the business working as well as it was?

Why did you nearly join her in the business?

If her business was successful and she was making enough money, would you be happy with her choices?

.......

I see a few issues here.

Either you are a unit who support each other or you are not - but being that unit requires sacrifice AND consideration from both parties, and no one individuals path is defined and agreed by them alone but by both.

You are describing a situation whereby you are funding your partners lifestyle and feel she is not pulling her weight. What would you have her doing instead and how would that negatively impact you both as a unit?

She seems happy to support you to do whatever you want to do - but it seems like your need for stability and security is greater than hers. What is her solution to you giving up your job and doing something else and as a result both of you losing the perks you describe - which I note are all financial.

If she is able to take a more active parenting role due to her flexibility then surely this is more important that more money (if you are already reasonably comfortable)? Or would you prefer to be the more active parent and have her work full time? Would she do this?

Can you elaborate on what exactly you did sign up for?

3DataModem

anon2019b wrote: »

she is happy with her life and trying to push ahead with something that really is not working

She enjoys her flexibility

she wants to go back to college

simply because she finds it interesting.

the freedom she enjoys comes at the expense of the security I see other professional couples enjoying

She doesn't really acknowledge this

She's a fantastic and fun partner

has the time flexibility to be a more dedicated parent than I am

Basically, marriage sometimes throws up these challenges where both people are not on the same page about major aspects of the household.

Her lifestyle makes her blissfully happy it seems, and brings joy to her and your child. That has a value that needs to balanced against your desire for security.

There is no right answer here; you need to communicate with each other and ensure you really both try and understand how the other feels. You have to find consensus and consensus is not compromise.



Let me tell you my view; a partner who is happy and a child who is happy is worth more than any job security you will ever find.

Big Bag of Chips

I mentioned earlier OP about me staying at home and now working part time. My husband for various has also gone part time this year and may continue for another year. Yes, we are down financially but we're managing and we're making it work, because right now, it's what is best for us as a couple and for our entire family.

I worked full time for a while and between both of us working full time and more than 1 child going to more than 1 activity, there was at least 2 days every week where our children were eating reheated dinner (made from the night before) on their laps in the back of the car on the way to wherever we were going.

We were both stressed. We were both short tempered with each other and with the children and we hadn't time to ever just take it easy. Didn't even have time to eat a dinner some evenings!

When I gave up work my husband "funded my lifestyle". But years previously I had "funded his lifestyle" when he decided to change career direction and took a huge salary cut.

Planning for the future is vital. But living in the present and raising your child, and letting him have a relaxed childhood is just as vital.

wiggle16

What would you have her do if you could ask her to do it?

What is the outcome you want, I suppose is what I mean.

hello2020

3DataModem wrote: »

Let me tell you my view; a partner who is happy and a child who is happy is worth more than any job security you will ever find.

i agree with this .. i will prefer a happy partner n kids at home than money in the bank!

i feel ur partner is more matured than u as she can see life ahead while enjoying the present..
u should not look at other couples n compare as everyone has got a fair share of issues ...

Emme

OP you are clearly ambitious as was your partner when you met doing the Masters. She was entrepreneurial enough to go out on her own and make a real success of her venture. However she may have done a cost:benefit analysis in her head as to which has the most real value, a happy child and the freedom to see her family versus limited time with family and more overt trappings of success.

You say you still have a good lifestyle and she is still contributing to the family? So what's the problem? Is it because she wants to go back to college to do a degree for pleasure while you still work in the same job? Do you feel trapped?

You are both intelligent people. Sit down together and discuss your short-term, medium-term and long-term ambitions for yourselves and for your children, ie private school, college etc. Discuss the responsibilities and expenses involved with family life such as the needs of your children and possible needs of your parents in the future. Perhaps one of you needs to be flexible to deal with these needs the way your partner is flexible now. Communication is important.

There are children who grew up in affluent families who feel neglected because their parents were more focused on success and the trappings of success than family life. Your partner is focusing on your son for now. I think this is a good thing.

If you are unhappy in your work you need to let her know and make a plan that will suit everyone. You may both have to make some compromises for the good of all.

When your son has grown up your partner will have more time to focus on her career again. She sounds like the sort who could make a success of anything. You are lucky.

Xterminator

HI Op

We live reasonably comfortably but I feel the freedom she enjoys (and is proud of) comes at the expense of the security I see other professional couples enjoying,

It sounds like you expected her to pull down a high salary and you would be able to live a lifestyle that perhaps you cannot on the salary you actually live on?

is your problem here that other couples have more of a bank balance and bigger cars and nicer houses. Because that appears to be what you suggest. how many of them do you think are truly satisfied with their lives? how many are actually happy in their jobs? how many of them could describe their partner as " fantastic and fun partner, and a dedicated parent. "

you are entitled to your life goals, and i don't for one minute want to sound like you are the bad guy here. But you really really come across as not appreciating what you have. there really is more to life than €€€€€'s.

Always Tired

Tbh you sound a bit spoiled. You have literally everything most people want in life and are still unhappy. You actually resent that your partner is happy. It makes no sense.

'Not what I signed up for.' Actually it is. When you marry a woman you don't get a guarantee of future earnings or ROI with her. It's 'in sickness and in health'. Be glad she's healthy and happy and your child is also, and be a Dad and pay the bills with the money from your good job and stop being a middle class martyr, many people would kill to have what you do.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for the replies, which have given me plenty to think about.

To answer some of the questions:

Am I happy in my job? I am in a comfortable place having achieved degree of seniority in my organisation at a comparatively young age, but I never imagined being here for 10+ years. I suppose I would like to take a risk and try something else. We are living abroad, far enough from family and elderly parents who we don't see often, so there is an element of sacrifice there for both of us.

Funding her college course? Tuition fees here are almost free even for mature students. One of the benefits of not living in Ireland, I suppose.

Her retirement plans? She has no plans for retirement and is not worried about a pension
If something was to happen to me, she could live off my life insurance.

Decline in the business? From my (perhaps harsh) perspective, I think it is her approach. If I treated my work like she treats her business, I wouldn't be in my job today. She entered a growing market at the right time, and could not keep up once big players came in. She is not receptive to suggestions to get some coaching or do an MBA.

Am I funding her lifestyle? Yes and no. If her focus on the next few years is on her college course, I will be.

--
Xterminator:
>how many of them do you think are truly satisfied with their lives? how many are actually >happy in their jobs? how many of them could describe their partner as " fantastic and fun >partner, and a dedicated parent. "
--

Certainly a very valid point.

Emme

anon2019b. wrote: »

OP here again. Thanks for the replies, which have given me plenty to think about.

To answer some of the questions:

Am I happy in my job? I am in a comfortable place having achieved degree of seniority in my organisation at a comparatively young age, but I never imagined being here for 10+ years. I suppose I would like to take a risk and try something else. We are living abroad, far enough from family and elderly parents who we don't see often, so there is an element of sacrifice there for both of us.

Maybe it's more of a sacrifice for her than it is for you and that's why she tries to spend time with her family.

anon2019b. wrote: »

Decline in the business? From my (perhaps harsh) perspective, I think it is her approach. If I treated my work like she treats her business, I wouldn't be in my job today. She entered a growing market at the right time, and could not keep up once big players came in. She is not receptive to suggestions to get some coaching or do an MBA.

Am I funding her lifestyle? Yes and no. If her focus on the next few years is on her college course, I will be.

If you don't want to fund her lifestyle tell her. You seem to be very work-focused and goal-oriented and it has stood to you. But maybe your partner is fed up of swimming with the sharks. She would probably be well capable of doing an MBA but maybe she feels she has done the competitive thing with the Masters in law. MBAs can lead to great things but they are not always compatible with family life.

Your partner seems to be focusing on her family at the moment (your child and her parents) and keeping things ticking over with her work. Maybe that makes her happy. Do you want her to be happy or would you rather she was more focused on the fiscal side of things? Why could she not keep up with the big players? Sometimes no matter how hard you work you can't keep up with those who can buy you out one hundred times over.

If you had gone into business with her would you have been happy to forge ahead while she focused on your child for some time? Would you feel less resentful if you took some risks now? Would she be willing to support you in those risks and row in with you?