Used, I feel so stupid.

LegacyUser

Met a guy 2 years ago at work. We clicked immediately. Life became better when he was around.

My colleagues used to socialise after work so we were out in each other's company and hooked up a bit. Fast forward a few months and I got a promotion moving almost a two hour drive away. He left a few months lster and went travelling for a few months.

When he came back, we organises to meet up. Again we hooked up a few weekends over a few months. We would go shopping, out for dinner, drinks, or just walking around talking.

As he was leaving one day to catch his train, I said in a joking way (but meant it) about wanting something more like a relationship. He didn't answer me and kept walking to the train. I was crushed. I messaged him twice after that and he never replied. He always did before. That was a few weeks ago now.

I have cried every might for the last few weeks. I'm upset that he used me and acted almost like a boyfriend but all along I was just a notch. I'm also upset that I never click with people like I did with him and even though we weren't in a relationship, I'm more upset than after proper relationships broke up. I don't have a big circle of friends and live in a rural area so I don't have many to talk to. I'm in my 30s. I'm feeling so low and lonely, I don't know how to make the feelings go.

Arrival

This is why it's important to discuss exclusivity/relationship goals early on and not just assume that you both want the same thing because you really don't know what anyone's aiming for, especially nowadays

jimbobaloobob

Sorry to hear. A sorry situation.
Have to take the positives from it though. You're out there looking for what you want. This time didn't workout but maybe closer than all the rest. It will help you with how you manage the next person that enters your life. Think of what you want and what you offer don't sell yourself short or as just mentioned assume the things important to you and valued by you are the same as someone else's.
I wish you well.

skallywag

I have sympathy for you OP, but from what have described I think you are well wide of the mark to say that this chap used you.

Why do you think that? It seems you never had any form of 'where are we going etc.' discussion with him. What you describe also sounds like something very casual, and unless you actually had broached the subject with him (in a more meaningful way than a throw away comment as he went to get on a train) then I really don't see how you can accuse him of using you.

He might have simply assumed that you were fine with the way things were.

LegacyUser

Arrival, I have learned that, the hard way.

Jimbobaloobob, wise words, I don't think I can put myself through hurt again. At work and with friends I'm waiting to be alone so I can get without them seeing me.

Skallywsag, you might be right. His coldness towards me left me clear he just wanted casual sex with nothing else. He knew I wasn't seeing anybody else so I don't think it came as any surprise to him. It just showed me he thought nothing of me to walk away so casually.

lainey_d_123

skallywag wrote: »

I have sympathy for you OP, but from what have described I think you are well wide of the mark to say that this chap used you.

Why do you think that? It seems you never had any form of 'where are we going etc.' discussion with him. What you describe also sounds like something very casual, and unless you actually had broached the subject with him (in a more meaningful way than a throw away comment as he went to get on a train) then I really don't see how you can accuse him of using you.

He might have simply assumed that you were fine with the way things were.

This is the problem with the flaky, 'no labels' dating culture today. Nobody knows where they stand and it can be devastating to people's mental health and end up with people getting really hurt.

Not that long ago, if you were dating and sleeping with someone regularly, it went without saying that a) you were exclusive and b) you were aiming for some kind of future together. Didn't mean you had to stay together, but that was pretty much the end goal if it all went well. Not to say people didn't have ONS and flings, but if you were properly dating someone, it went without saying that you were exclusive and working towards being serious.

Now, there's this messy, flaky culture of 'not defining things', people having no idea what others are looking for, whether they're seeing other people. Asking early on can be seen as pushy and putting pressure on things, not asking can result in the kind of situation OP described. More and more men seem to want the 'girlfriend experience' of having someone around they like and get on with, regular sex, nice cosy nights in, someone to go out to dinner with, without actually being prepared to commit or be there for tough times. I see it as cowardly and using people. It's like being a fair weather friend, only much worse. I've been on the receiving end of it. It absolutely melts your head being in a 'relationship' with someone who acts like your boyfriend but isn't willing to actually be one.

The people who do it never seem to 'get it', either. They seem to delude themselves that they're doing nothing wrong and it's all about living in the moment. Thing is, you invest time and effort into relationships, and most people wouldn't do it if they thought the other person was just seeing them as a short-term option. It's an enormous waste of the other person's time and a lack of respect. Even with platonic friendships, I don't want to invest time, effort and trust in people I'm never going to see again. I want to cultivate meaningful and lasting relationships. I'd rather be on my own, learning new skills or doing my hobbies or just doing stuff I enjoy than hanging out with people for the sake of it.

I think this American dating culture and app culture has really, really damaged relationships and wellbeing over the past few years. Dating is supposed to be fun, but it isn't because of all this rubbish.

OP, he's just not interested in a relationship. At least you know now.

Yellow pack crisps

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote full length post.

This is nonsense. It’s up to an individual to decide what they want, what they need and what they are looking for. You can’t expect another person to read another persons mind. If you decide to sleep with someone without outlining your expectations from that other person before then I don’t see how you can be angry if the other person just views it as sex and nothing more. The guy didn’t use the OP anymore than she used him. They both hooked up with different expectations.

Nikki Sixx

Maybe you saved yourself from wasting months or even years on him. Now you have a better idea of the type of guy you want.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote full length post.

Yeah, this is very true..It's really quite sad..but again, there's already someone defending it saying it's grand a couple of posts above..
This is going to be really damaging for society I reckon in the longer term..

Op, hope you're ok.. yeah, it sucks..

Yellow pack crisps

[Deleted User] wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote full length post.

There is two ways of looking at it though, dating Apps etc. The shy person who is socially awkward having time to get to know someone before meeting etc. There is no hive mentality when it comes to dating/sex/relationships etc. Individually we all have different wants and expectations. If you think modern life was the beginning and nurturing of people using other people for sex I’ve some startling news for you.....

lainey_d_123

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote full length post.

No, it isn't. It's my opinion. I never said it isn't important to talk about expectations, I said it's a terrible shame that it's necessary. Takes every bit of fun and spontaneity out of it and is horribly awkward. Can't stand meeting someone new and having the 'so, are we exclusive or what?' conversation earlier than I want to, just to make sure they aren't shagging other people. Puts pressure on to make it a 'relationship' rather than letting things happen. It used to be the norm that if you were dating someone, it was exclusive, and this problem didn't exist.

Yellow pack crisps

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

No, it isn't. It's my opinion. I never said it isn't important to talk about expectations, I said it's a terrible shame that it's necessary. Takes every bit of fun and spontaneity out of it and is horribly awkward. Can't stand meeting someone new and having the 'so, are we exclusive or what?' conversation earlier than I want to, just to make sure they aren't shagging other people. Puts pressure on to make it a 'relationship' rather than letting things happen. It used to be the norm that if you were dating someone, it was exclusive, and this problem didn't exist.

What’s normal to you is not necessarily normal to the next person. It used to be the norm? When? People have always communicated in many ways what they are. The only change is the word: Dating. Meeting up was normal which in many cases led to going out with each other but was never a gurantee

Mongfinder General

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

No, it isn't. It's my opinion. I never said it isn't important to talk about expectations, I said it's a terrible shame that it's necessary. Takes every bit of fun and spontaneity out of it and is horribly awkward. Can't stand meeting someone new and having the 'so, are we exclusive or what?' conversation earlier than I want to, just to make sure they aren't shagging other people. Puts pressure on to make it a 'relationship' rather than letting things happen. It used to be the norm that if you were dating someone, it was exclusive, and this problem didn't exist.

If you want something more stable, you need to be asking early on, like a month or so in, he's either looking to settle or just looking for the ride.

The fact that you're in your 30's makes you a target for wasters like him. He knows that, generally speaking, women in their 30's fear being left on the shelf. They're watching their friends get married and having kids. They feel left behind so they take a chance on nobs like him.

Try and get to the point early doors. No point in wasting your time

lainey_d_123

Mongfinder General wrote: »

If you want something more stable, you need to be asking early on, like a month or so in, he's either looking to settle or just looking for the ride.

The fact that you're in your 30's makes you a target for wasters like him. He knows that, generally speaking, women in their 30's fear being left on the shelf. They're watching their friends get married and having kids. They feel left behind so they take a chance on nobs like him.

Try and get to the point early doors. No point in wasting your time

Yes, but the point is, that in itself makes things awkward. You just met someone, it's going well, and you have to storm in there and try to make things 'official' before you really want to, just to make sure they're not sleeping with half the town because you're not 'exclusive'. It used to be common sense that you didn't shag other people when you were dating someone. Not anymore. Nobody knows whether they want a long term relationship a month in. It's far too early. Trying to force things just to ensure exclusivity isn't good. So it's either force things, or be relaxed and accept that that might mean they're seeing other people as well. There's no way to win this.

It has nothing to do with being in my thirties. It was the same in my twenties when Tinder etc. was really taking off. It's dating culture now. Not even specific to bad people. It's just how it is now. The 'norm' has changed.

And asking to define things early on doesn't always work, anyway. Men who want to have the 'girlfriend experience' without committing, or to date you 'for now' never tell you that. So it doesn't even really help in that regard. I for one at least want to make it clear that I won't be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others, which is the only reason I even ask.

LegacyUser

I agree with the flaky dating post. In my 20s, that's how my relationships happened.

He's not some random guy I hooked up with for a few hours at night, it's a guy who for two years listened to me, advised me, held me in his arms while we slept together, talked to me about everything from weddings to parenting to life problems. We shared similar beliefs.

I admit I was wrong to let it go on so long but I fell for him, I didn't want it to end like this. I thought he could have messaged and told me, if he wouldnt do it in person. I do feel used. I don't see myself dating again, I can't go through this pain if things don't work out. Therrs only so much rejection one can take.

lainey_d_123

Upsethurt wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote full length post.

Exactly.

The fact that so many people think it's totally fine for him to abruptly ditch you after months on end of acting like a boyfriend in every way just because you didn't have some sterile talk about 'defining the relationship' shows everyone that's wrong with dating 'culture' today.

Mrcaramelchoc

Arrival wrote: »

This is why it's important to discuss exclusivity/relationship goals early on and not just assume that you both want the same thing because you really don't know what anyone's aiming for, especially nowadays

Seriously?start discussing " exclusivity And relationship goals early on "???? Id say there isnt a guy or girl alive that would put up with that.that' s bunny boiler behavior.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Enough back and forth in the thread please. None of the above debate is of any help to the OP. Writing a long post about the topic generally and then including a line at the end that addresses the OP isn't what PI is about - and it's poor form to treat the OP like an afterthought. This is their thread. I'd ask that posters be more mindful of that in future.

Please have constructive advice for the OP when you post. If you are posting just to respond to another poster - please don't post at all.

Thanks

Gerianam

Please listen, you will love again, you will be loved..You are precious and beautiful.
If he was stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let him go. You are worth much more than that..much, much more.

LegacyUser

Thank you Gerianam, I just can't accept that about myself at the moment.

He was to come to a function with me last night. I had invited him a while ago. It was another reminder of him and another night of being upset over him.

ginandtonicsky

Upsethurt wrote: »

Thank you Gerianam, I just can't accept that about myself at the moment.

He was to come to a function with me last night. I had invited him a while ago. It was another reminder of him and another night of being upset over him.

This passes prettty quickly if you can register, accept and just let the hurt wash over you. I’ve had so many scenarios with men where there’s been painful memories connected to places or events or whatever, with a bit of hindsight you just think “oh remember that lad! What was his name again?”

Rejection sucks but we all go through it. You can’t control your feelings but you can control your actions so that’s what you should focus on next time you meet someone.

Personally, I dont sleep with anyone until we’ve had some direct conversations about expectations and some trust has been built. Sleeping with someone translates to bonding more deeply for me so that’s my MO in relationships these days. Figure out yours and stick to those boundaries with every man you meet from now on.

dellas1979

Upsethurt wrote: »

It was another reminder of him and another night of being upset over him.

You need to have a chat with yourself about being upset over someone who did not value you.

You are beating yourself up over his behaviour.

I think part of the confusion is you cant reconcile in your head who you thought he was versus who he actually is.

LegacyUser

"You are beating yourself up over his behaviour.

I think part of the confusion is you cant reconcile in your head who you thought he was versus who he actually is."

I think you have nailed it there, I can't believe someone can be like two completely different people.

I wish I had stuck to the boundaries two years ago. I'm going to take a complete break from dating, I don't want this to happen again.