Getting over old wounds

MiliMe

2 years ago i was pregnant. I opened a joint tablet and saw messages from my OH asking some girl to send him more sexy photos of herself. We argued about it, he was sorry and we stayed together.

During that argument, i said that i hoped i would loose the baby cause i didn't want to have one with him. 3 weeks later, i lost the baby.
It's now coming up on when that baby should be turning 2 and i am just devastated.
None of my family or friends know what happened (the texting, they knew i was pregnant) because i was too embarrassed to tell them and if i decided to stay with him (which i did) i didn't want them thinking badly of him.

Its come up a few times in the past 2 years and any time it does, him texting this girl i mean, he feels terrible, goes real quiet which in turn makes me feel awful for mentioning it in the first place.
At the minute I'm feeling as if its just happened all over again. Don't get me wrong i know its not his fault that i lost the baby, medically there was something wrong with it and it was not viable but knowing that i said i wanted it to die is killing me .

I don't know what I'm even looking for by posting this here but i think maybe i just need to have it out in the universe, to be able to say it somewhere...

.......

Have you talked to anyone about this?

I think you should. Someone professional I mean.

You are carrying a lot of unnecessary guilt over a remark that didnt mean anything at all, that you would have forgotten about had things gone differently. You said what you said in anger and hurt, to hurt your partner because he hurt you. Your hormones would have been all over the place. But saying it out loud didnt make it be the case in reality. But because you said it, you feel terrible that you said it. So go and chat to someone to help you come to terms with that, deal with it, and move on from it.

Now, about the relationship - that is quite a serious transgression, and that it still comes up and both of you still seem to have unresolved feelings about it (he goes quiet, you feel awful), I would think that you BOTH need to speak to someone to sort out how you feel about it.

Basically it sounds like bad things happened and you both moved on without ever really sorting out your feelings from that time and its festered and is bothering you both.

When you dont deal with/process/talk about emotional stuff it can attack you from the inside and make you feel worse and you lose perspective on it and your brain goes over it and over it and creates a kind of false reality and makes it bigger than it should be. Talking it out and getting outside perspective or even just being able to speak it aloud - should help enormously.

Hope you feel better soon and sorry that you are hurting.

Rubberchikken

you suffered loss two years ago that you might need to ralk about with to a professional.

your oh didnt behave properly txting some girl.
who does that in a relationship.
you didnt cause the loss of the pregnancy. and by talking and with support youll cone to accept that.

take care

cloudatlas

You are carrying a lot of shame around that you don't need to, it was a throwaway comment at the time, something you didn't mean. I think you should speak to someone the miscarriage association of Ireland runs a support line. http://www.miscarriage.ie/ As for your partner, you have to weigh up what someone brings to the relationship and whether you should hold something like that over them for 2 years, I know it's hurtful but he didn't cheat on you with this woman it was a fantasy that was played out like watching porn is a fantasy. So your partner was worth it you've stayed together and it was a silly mistake and you have to stop holding them to account especially since it sounds like he has shown a lot of remorse for it. If he didn't show remorse or had slept with another person without reason then it would be a different story.

shesty

Please go talk to someone.You have a lot of guilt.Maybe even go together to talk to someone a few times too, he could have a lot of guilt over it aswell.

MiliMe

Thanks for the replies. I am generally one for sweeping feelings under the carpet, it's probably a very good idea for counselling. I will look into it.