Recently single/feeling the pinch. Don't know what to do about it

LegacyUser

I'm recently enough out of a LTR (2 months since). I'm still not exactly over it, and I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment.

Most of my friends are settled down so I'm spending most of my time on my own which isn't helping either. I feel like I really need to meet new people, so I signed up to a dating site in the hope of finding dates or just make a friend or 2, but I think most people on there are either looking for a LTR or a Brad Pitt lookalike to hook up with, nothing in between.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless. I know the usual advice is join a social club of some sort, but I am a socially anxious person who can't handle more than one new person at once. Any advice? Would it be easier to solve the brexit problem??

Gannicus

AsSimpleAsBrexit wrote: »

... Would it be easier to solve the brexit problem??

Quite topical. I like it. :pac:


To answer your question O/P. I think maybe you should deal with your social anxiety first and foremost. Whether you go to the pub or a social club ot play a team sport you'll find it diffuclt to meet people as they are all group environments. Your anxiousness might come off that you just want to be left alone and might turn people off from initiating conversation with you. Do you have any hobbies where you might meet new people or an existing social circle you could use as backup to help you through the anxious feeling?

baby and crumble

AsSimpleAsBrexit wrote: »

I'm feeling a bit hopeless. I know the usual advice is join a social club of some sort, but I am a socially anxious person who can't handle more than one new person at once. Any advice? Would it be easier to solve the brexit problem??

I would suggest that if you can stomach it, something like an evening class could be good for you - you have a task to do and a skill to learn, so it takes the focus way from you having to be super chatty, plus you can avoid eye contact without seeming rude, until you're more comfortable.

I took up pottery, and it's been fantastic. I'll admit I'm a really chatty person so I'll yap to anyone in those kinds of circumstances, but having a focus is nice, and you're already with a group of people who share your interest, so you can chat a bit easier because again, you have a focus.

milli milli

AsSimpleAsBrexit wrote: »

I'm recently enough out of a LTR (2 months since). I'm still not exactly over it, and I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment.

Since you’re not really over your old relationship OP, it might be a good idea to just focus on friendships for a while. It’s never a good idea to get into another relationship straight away, especially because you’re lonely.

Would you be introverted and prefer the company of 1 or 2 people instead of a group, or would you just be anxious in social situations and you’d like to change that?
If it’s the latter, now might be a good time to tackle it, as another poster suggested. CBT is great for anxiety. Have a look into it.

Find all the things that you didn’t have time/couldn’t do while you were in a relationship. Make a bucket list. Take up new hobbies, start projects. Being single after a relationship can be a very liberating and exciting time. Yes it can be lonely at times but it needn’t be boring if you find things to do with your time.

You know, you are adjusting to a new situation and it can be hard, so go easy on yourself. Reach out to old friends too, not just the coupled-up ones. But don’t be in a mad rush to be getting into a new relationship especially as you don’t seem ready. In time you might see this time as a gift to work on yourself and be yourself. Best of luck.

ginandtonicsky

AsSimpleAsBrexit wrote: »

I'm recently enough out of a LTR (2 months since). I'm still not exactly over it, and I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment.

2 months is no time! Now is not the time to be putting pressure on yourself to meet someone new, it's not fair on you or them. And honestly, dating apps are littered with people who are 5 minutes out of a relationship and very much "not over the ex", it's not fun for anyone.

I think it's far healthier to put the focus on making yourself happy and comfortable first and foremost. Spend some quality time with family when you can, re-connect with old friends, get into a gym / fitness routine - can't recommend this one enough. Training for a half marathon saved me from the depths of hell during my breakup.

Start therapy. As advised by someone else, CBT can be great for giving you coping mechanisms and strategies for changing old habits and this could be a great time for you to re-programme your brain and combat the social anxiety while building your confidence at the same time.

And rest assured, you're not alone! Not sure what age you are but there are so, so many newly single folks in their 20s and 30s who spent most of their adult years in a relationship and suddenly find themselves out in the world alone with no idea how to meet someone new. IME these people go on dating apps, go on all the mediocre dates and get frustrated with it all, only to meet someone "the old fashioned way" through friends of friends or work or whatever.

So get busy filling your days with love and happiness and self-growth and prioritise learning how to sit in your own skin comfortably before launching yourself into the dating world again.

Rubberchikken

you need to give yourself time to get used to being single again.
dont rush into anything and that includes courses/groups/whatever.
when you're ready to start doing something, you'll know.
in the meantime get some fresh air and exercise. uts good for the head and body.

take care