Should I stick at counselling?

M442

Hope it's ok to post this here. I have been seeing a councillor since October about as few isssues I am having around loneliness and relationships. However I don't know if the counselling is helping. I don't feel any different or see any difference in my life. His only practical advice is to go to classes or societies and join tinder. I have been doing all that stuff already but think my issues might be a bit deeper. The last time we spoke I mentioned my doubts to him and he seemed to suggest that I actually don't really have any issues and that my life seems grand but that it would be a good idea to still go. I want this to work and make a change but I am paying for this myself and don't have unending money to put into this if there is no result.

So I guess my options are
1 - Give it more time? Maybe 5 months isn't enough?
2 - Try again with another counsellor.
3 - Give up on the idea and just go ahead to classes and societies and keep up tinder.

Would appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Thanks

Augme

Have you told your councillor your issues might be deeper? If you don't think the issue is solved and you think the issues are deeper than don't give up councilling and stick with this one or find a new one. It all depends if you think you can open up fully to this current councillor or not.

johnml

Does this counsellor specialise in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It sounds like s/he does. CBT therapists imo often don't delve into deeper issues or go back to childhood etc. to find the root of the issue. A therapist with a different approach such as psychodynamic or psychoanalytical will.

antiskeptic

M442 wrote: »

Hope it's ok to post this here. I have been seeing a councillor since October about as few isssues I am having around loneliness and relationships. However I don't know if the counselling is helping. I don't feel any different or see any difference in my life. His only practical advice is to go to classes or societies and join tinder. I have been doing all that stuff already but think my issues might be a bit deeper. The last time we spoke I mentioned my doubts to him and he seemed to suggest that I actually don't really have any issues and that my life seems grand but that it would be a good idea to still go. I want this to work and make a change but I am paying for this myself and don't have unending money to put into this if there is no result.

So I guess my options are
1 - Give it more time? Maybe 5 months isn't enough?
2 - Try again with another counsellor.
3 - Give up on the idea and just go ahead to classes and societies and keep up tinder.

Would appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Thanks

Wife's a counselling psychologist and I've done a bit myself o'er the years. There's definitely good and bad (or useful and not useful).

As stated, you might be doing CBT which won't really dig out underlying issues. It works, but on more surface stuff.

It's no great surprise to find that issues find their source in childhood - the newborn/young child is a green shoot that can be trained (like a plant) to go in all sorts of directions. Lacking the proper nourishment, the plant simply won't flourish.

Unsurprisingly, the child-like attempts to deal with lacks being experienced become hardwired and grow with the child. They may, for example, try attention seeking as a young child. And continue to be attention seeking as adults. That which is appropriate for a child becomes inappropriate for an adult.

I'd recommend a counselling psychologist myself (over psychoanalysis). The latter can go on for years and years. The trick is to find a good one - but even at that, it may take a bit of time for the counsellor to build up a good overview of you and to start to be able to unpick things.

A measure of a good counsellor would be their ability to instruct you as to what specifically you need to be doing to aid the process, whether reading on aspects that arise, spending time contemplating particular issues, etc. It will go quicker if you can do work yourself.

You might also see if you can go perhaps every two rather than every week - sometimes the time flies and your back in without having had much opportunity to do "work" yourself.

Best of luck with it.

Paddy Cow

M442 wrote: »

Hope it's ok to post this here. I have been seeing a councillor since October about as few isssues I am having around loneliness and relationships. However I don't know if the counselling is helping. I don't feel any different or see any difference in my life. His only practical advice is to go to classes or societies and join tinder. I have been doing all that stuff already but think my issues might be a bit deeper. The last time we spoke I mentioned my doubts to him and he seemed to suggest that I actually don't really have any issues and that my life seems grand but that it would be a good idea to still go. I want this to work and make a change but I am paying for this myself and don't have unending money to put into this if there is no result.

That is terrible advice and a shocking thing for a counsellor to say but there are some really bad ones out there. The first time I went for counselling I actually felt worse after it. The woman I had sounds like yours. She dismissed a lot of what I felt was relevant or what I wanted to address and would say things like "well I don't see that", which made me feel worse and almost put me off, thinking I was just attention seeking. I had really bad self esteem at the time and she made it worse.

So I guess my options are
1 - Give it more time? Maybe 5 months isn't enough?
2 - Try again with another counsellor.
3 - Give up on the idea and just go ahead to classes and societies and keep up tinder.

Would appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Thanks

1 - 5 months might not be enough to address all your issues but it's enough to know that things aren't working with this counsellor.

2 - Absolutely. My second counsellor was brilliant. She listened to me, adjusted her counselling style to suit my personality and needs and I felt like I could open up to her and saw a big difference after 5 sessions. Having a trusting relationship with your counsellor is paramount to you making any progress. If you feel like your counsellor doesn't "get" you, it can be hard to be truly honest with them.

3 - I wouldn't give up on counselling. Your issues are still there and with the right counsellor you can go a long way to resolving them. Going to classes and societies is something you should definitely keep doing but maybe stay away from tinder. There are a lot of as$holes on there who take advantage of vulnerable people.