Chemistry in a relationship?

route9

Will try to keep this short. I am a guy not far off 40 in a relationship since last May with a really great, very attractive girl who I've known for a couple of years. We get on really well, have fun, have a laugh, and she's sweet, kind and easy to be around (most of the time ).

The only thing is, I am not sure how much 'chemistry' we have. I am not talking about the Hollywood movie-type spark that some people expect on a first date or the early stages of a relationship, but just that 'something' that makes you feel excited to be with them, a little bit afraid that they might 'change their mind', and most of all at this stage (age-wise), that they might be 'the one'.

I am not saying my gf might not be the one, but I feel like if we were over tomorrow, it would not be a big thing and I might just go back on the apps and to meeting others (I had been single and doing lots of dating before we started going out).

Surely this isn't a great sign?! Maybe it takes time to really know how you feel and what the future might hold with someone, but while she loves me and I do love her and care about her, I don't feel it's that fiery or passionate love that it should be...

What do folks think? Can you relate? Maybe I don't need to question it too much, but I do think I need to have a chat with her about it. I actually think she might agree with me that we don't have that much chemistry, but that we are compatible, fancy each other, and so on.

I've also found that while I haven't really been interested in being with anyone else while we've been going out, I do notice other women and wonder a little about being single and dating again.

I suppose I am just wondering if I am ready to commit, and whether I need to feel more if this is going to be 'it'.

Hopefully this makes sense? Would like to hear if others can relate!

leggo

This is always tough to tell. As much of the time this is a person's way of subconsciously sabotaging their own happiness as it is actually the case. Some people have a co-dependent/'fixer' gene in them, without realising, and if a relationship is happy and functional they'll go looking for flaws to 'fix' or just get bored by the lack of 'challenge'. A healthy relationship should be easy, happy and drama free. Someone being there for you and stepping up through tough times is way more valuable than someone who gives you that lustful 'spark' that I think a lot of people overrate IMO, perhaps because Hollywood movies and TV shows have conditioned what romance should be in our heads from an early stage. But really they're written to be dramatic for the purposes of an entertaining story, not because it's the way it should be.

So are you a fixer OP? When you think back to times in relationships past when you were happy, was it on a relationship that was ultimately flawed fundamentally and needed fixing? Were you happiest riding the waves of happiness only for it to regularly crash out and you have to put it back together again? If this is resonating, what it tends to represent is low self-esteem, somewhere in your brain you may not believe you deserve to be loved in such a simple manner and it needs to be a chase of sorts that you have to work for. So if it's going good, people in this mindset will tend to mistrust how 'easy' it is and look for excuses to sabotage it. It feels like all of their needs aren't being met, but that's because their needs are also insidiously unhealthy and polluted somewhere, so yes you could be throwing away a good relationship over nothing, while looking for that 'spark' that's actually just co-dependency in a toxic relationship.

A healthy relationship isn't actually complicated. It breaks down to a few simple factors:

- Is this person your best friend and confidante?
- Do you fancy them and are you sexually satisfied to the point of not wanting others?
- Can you healthily resolve any conflicts or disagreements that may arise?

...and that's pretty much it. If not, then you're settling and your fears are true. If all of the above is the case, then beware that 'spark' you're chasing: your spidey senses are malfunctioning and steering you in the wrong direction and it's those that need fixing, not the relationship.

route9

leggo wrote: »

This is always tough to tell. As much of the time this is a person's way of subconsciously sabotaging their own happiness as it is actually the case. Some people have a co-dependent/'fixer' gene in them, without realising, and if a relationship is happy and functional they'll go looking for flaws to 'fix' or just get bored by the lack of 'challenge'. A healthy relationship should be easy, happy and drama free. Someone being there for you and stepping up through tough times is way more valuable than someone who gives you that lustful 'spark' that I think a lot of people overrate IMO, perhaps because Hollywood movies and TV shows have conditioned what romance should be in our heads from an early stage. But really they're written to be dramatic for the purposes of an entertaining story, not because it's the way it should be.

So are you a fixer OP? When you think back to times in relationships past when you were happy, was it on a relationship that was ultimately flawed fundamentally and needed fixing? Were you happiest riding the waves of happiness only for it to regularly crash out and you have to put it back together again? If this is resonating, what it tends to represent is low self-esteem, somewhere in your brain you may not believe you deserve to be loved in such a simple manner and it needs to be a chase of sorts that you have to work for. So if it's going good, people in this mindset will tend to mistrust how 'easy' it is and look for excuses to sabotage it. It feels like all of their needs aren't being met, but that's because their needs are also insidiously unhealthy and polluted somewhere, so yes you could be throwing away a good relationship over nothing, while looking for that 'spark' that's actually just co-dependency in a toxic relationship.

A healthy relationship isn't actually complicated. It breaks down to a few simple factors:

- Is this person your best friend and confidante?
- Do you fancy them and are you sexually satisfied to the point of not wanting others?
- Can you healthily resolve any conflicts or disagreements that may arise?

...and that's pretty much it. If not, then you're settling and your fears are true. If all of the above is the case, then beware that 'spark' you're chasing: your spidey senses are malfunctioning and steering you in the wrong direction and it's those that need fixing, not the relationship.

Thanks Leggo! It's not about the above, it's a lot simpler than that I haven't actually had many relationships, just a lot of dates and a few short-term things. Generally it was a case that I fancied someone from the start but they didn't feel the same, or vice versa. I am 38 now and I probably wouldn't be thinking of it this way at all, only I am feeling like I should feel like I can see myself marrying whoever I am with right now (potentially at least!).

So if I don't (yet anyway), should I not be continuing the search. I totally get that it's not going to be fireworks all the time, definitely not, but I wouldn't say we are a passionate couple, if you get me? It feels more like two people who get on well, are physically attracted but that might be as far as it goes.

leggo wrote: »

Someone being there for you and stepping up through tough times is way more valuable than someone who gives you that lustful 'spark' that I think a lot of people overrate IMO, perhaps because Hollywood movies and TV shows have conditioned what romance should be in our heads from an early stage.

But why not have both? Isn't it possible to have both. That spark might be overrated and it might fade in time a little, but I would say most married couples would say they really felt it at the start (that bit of 'madness'), and that was what led to them getting married?

leggo

If the ‘spark’ is what led someone to get married, then they could be in for a rough marriage, because past say the 6 month mark (although it can of course vary and be longer/shorter) it tends to become just normal life and other qualities are what keep the relationship alive and thriving. Allowing the spark to everything it is a mistake imo. I’ve felt spark with people before that was so horrifically wrong. It’s not unimportant, but it’s not indicative of anything beyond itself if that makes sense.

For me, it goes back to the 3 questions I posed. You could add “Do I want this person to change in any way or would I marry them as they are down the line?” and get into trust maybe, but those are all kind of encompassed within the original questions anyway (if you don’t trust them/they you, you can’t resolve conflict. If you would change them or don’t want to see and experience life with them, they’re probably not your best friend). If those aren’t coming up trumps, then it’s not right. And that’s fine. If they are and you’re still not happy, the problem is within you. It’s really that simple. Everything else is overthinking.

route9

leggo wrote: »

If the ‘spark’ is what led someone to get married, then they could be in for a rough marriage, because past say the 6 month mark (although it can of course vary and be longer/shorter) it tends to become just normal life and other qualities are what keep the relationship alive and thriving. Allowing the spark to everything it is a mistake imo. I’ve felt spark with people before that was so horrifically wrong. It’s not unimportant, but it’s not indicative of anything beyond itself if that makes sense.

For me, it goes back to the 3 questions I posed. You could add “Do I want this person to change in any way or would I marry them as they are down the line?” and get into trust maybe, but those are all kind of encompassed within the original questions anyway (if you don’t trust them/they you, you can’t resolve conflict. If you would change them or don’t want to see and experience life with them, they’re probably not your best friend). If those aren’t coming up trumps, then it’s not right. And that’s fine. If they are and you’re still not happy, the problem is within you. It’s really that simple. Everything else is overthinking.

I don't mean it's what led them to getting married alone (was to phrase it differently), I mean it's something that was there in the mix which led them to end up marrying. So they would have had a combination of things which resulted in them getting married, including that spark.

I don't think there's a problem or any overthinking really, I feel the three factors point is a bit simplistic. Sure it can apply some of the time or a lot of the time, but if you don't feel excitement about or around the person, and you wouldn't be devastated or anything if you broke up, then surely that's a sign that you are more friends with an attraction, who enjoy hanging out and spending time together?

I would say that the three points apply to me, but possibly the second one is a bit lacking in some ways, so maybe that's it.

Think of it this way - if you were in a relationship of around a year with someone, and a friend asked if you were mad about them / really into them, but you could only say "no, but I really like them and spending time with them', would you not see there being something missing?

If they also asked you if you'd be upset if they broke up with you, and you said "no, not really", would the same not also apply?

Dial Hard

route9 wrote: »

I am not saying my gf might not be the one, but I feel like if we were over tomorrow, it would not be a big thing and I might just go back on the apps and to meeting others (I had been single and doing lots of dating before we started going out).

route9 wrote: »

I do notice other women and wonder a little about being single and dating again.

route9 wrote: »

I haven't actually had many relationships, just a lot of dates and a few short-term things.

Tbh, it sounds like you might have been a bit addicted to the dating cycle and you're missing the "thrill" of that. I've seen it happen.

route9

Dial Hard wrote: »

Tbh, it sounds like you might have been a bit addicted to the dating cycle and you're missing the "thrill" of that. I've seen it happen.

Yes maybe, and my thinking was that if I was enjoying dating (for the most part!), then why not just enjoy it and then if someone I really fancied came along who I ended up with, even better.

Something else is that over the last year I've changed up my lifestyle and lost weight, and I've been wondering if all those women I fancied who didn't go for a second or third date would have thought differently if they saw how I have changed.

Not that I was massively overweight or anything, but certainly it was plain to see I was carrying a few pounds and I'm sure that made a difference.

My gf is amazing but I just don't have those strong feelings I think I should have.

fryup

whats the age gap with your GF? OP

route9

fryup wrote: »

whats the age gap with your GF? OP

Four years...why?

leggo

route9 wrote: »

I don't mean it's what led them to getting married alone (was to phrase it differently), I mean it's something that was there in the mix which led them to end up marrying. So they would have had a combination of things which resulted in them getting married, including that spark.

I don't think there's a problem or any overthinking really, I feel the three factors point is a bit simplistic. Sure it can apply some of the time or a lot of the time, but if you don't feel excitement about or around the person, and you wouldn't be devastated or anything if you broke up, then surely that's a sign that you are more friends with an attraction, who enjoy hanging out and spending time together?

I would say that the three points apply to me, but possibly the second one is a bit lacking in some ways, so maybe that's it.

Think of it this way - if you were in a relationship of around a year with someone, and a friend asked if you were mad about them / really into them, but you could only say "no, but I really like them and spending time with them', would you not see there being something missing?

If they also asked you if you'd be upset if they broke up with you, and you said "no, not really", would the same not also apply?

I remember I had a falling out with a best friend years back, I was properly depressed for a good while afterwards, it was awful. If any of my inner circle of best mates and I stopped being friends, it’d cause me severe distress today. I shudder at the thought of it. So I wouldn’t say the first question of “Are they your best friend” stands up to scrutiny if you’d be fine if they just disappeared from your life tomorrow. That’s closer to not caring at all about them than being their best friend.

fryup

route9 wrote: »

Four years...why?

i just thought a large age gap might have been a factor, but obviously not

route9

leggo wrote: »

I remember I had a falling out with a best friend years back, I was properly depressed for a good while afterwards, it was awful. If any of my inner circle of best mates and I stopped being friends, it’d cause me severe distress today. I shudder at the thought of it. So I wouldn’t say the first question of “Are they your best friend” stands up to scrutiny if you’d be fine if they just disappeared from your life tomorrow. That’s closer to not caring at all about them than being their best friend.

Ah no, I wouldn't want that to happen and I don't believe it would I don't mean disappearing, not sure why you'd jump to that. All I mean is that if it finished tomorrow, I just think that that would be ok, and I'd really hope we'd stay friends. In fact, it's the opposite to what you think, I believe we would stay good friends.

Not sure really, maybe you are right in what you are saying too.

route9

fryup wrote: »

i just thought a large age gap might have been a factor, but obviously not

Ah yeah figured

leggo

route9 wrote: »

Ah no, I wouldn't want that to happen and I don't believe it would I don't mean disappearing, not sure why you'd jump to that. All I mean is that if it finished tomorrow, I just think that that would be ok, and I'd really hope we'd stay friends. In fact, it's the opposite to what you think, I believe we would stay good friends.

Not sure really, maybe you are right in what you are saying too.

If you break up, sure you can stay on good terms, but you won’t continue the relationship as it is. You won’t still see each other regularly, do stuff together, have sex, keep in regular contact...your relationship will forever change. And, if you do stay friends, then chances are you’ll then see her happy with another guy in time. You understand all this right?

I’m not making the point that I was upset about the falling out with the friend being bad (it wasn’t, no drama we just disagreed and went different ways), I’m upset that the friendship ended. That’s normal if a person is your best friend and that close to you. And ending this relationship would be the end of the relationship, whether it was on friendly terms or not. Besides, you’ve no idea or control over how she reacts afterwards, everyone is different in this respect (and often in unexpected ways), so your break up conversation could be the last time you ever speak to or see her for all you know. So saying you ‘wouldn’t feel upset’ would indicate either you’re codding yourself over how close your friendship is or you don’t understand the situation as it is and would be.

That is all the reality of a break up. You’re arguing with me on every point for some reason but I’m not saying anything particularly contentious here. Instead of faffing about and getting bogged down by every if, but and maybe of it, why not just accept the reality of what people are telling you and make an informed decision?

route9

leggo wrote: »

If you break up, sure you can stay on good terms, but you won’t continue the relationship as it is. You won’t still see each other regularly, do stuff together, have sex, keep in regular contact...your relationship will forever change. And, if you do stay friends, then chances are you’ll then see her happy with another guy in time. You understand all this right?

Yes, of course I do.

leggo wrote: »

I’m not making the point that I was upset about the falling out with the friend being bad (it wasn’t, no drama we just disagreed and went different ways), I’m upset that the friendship ended. That’s normal if a person is your best friend and that close to you. And ending this relationship would be the end of the relationship, whether it was on friendly terms or not. Besides, you’ve no idea or control over how she reacts afterwards, everyone is different in this respect (and often in unexpected ways), so your break up conversation could be the last time you ever speak to or see her for all you know. So saying you ‘wouldn’t feel upset’ would indicate either you’re codding yourself over how close your friendship is or you don’t understand the situation as it is and would be.

I don't really know how she'd react, nobody knows how the other person will react, although they will generally have some idea.

I actually did bring it up before with her, more in passing but I mentioned how I felt like we didn't have massive chemistry and were more 'settled', but how I always wanted to spend time together when we did then meet (or words to that effect). She actually agreed with me and said that if 'settled' is what it was, then that was good enough for her.

leggo wrote: »

That is all the reality of a break up. You’re arguing with me on every point for some reason but I’m not saying anything particularly contentious here. Instead of faffing about and getting bogged down by every if, but and maybe of it, why not just accept the reality of what people are telling you and make an informed decision?

I'm not arguing, I am just having a discussion and questioning what you are saying. I am considering what everyone is saying believe me, and that is part of how I will make an informed decision.

leggo

Definitely man, exactly, it’s your decision so take the info on board and make up your own mind. Arguing every single point and dissecting it within an inch of its life isn’t doing that though. If you’re coming on here looking for input, just take it when it’s given. If you’re coming on here looking for someone else to take responsibility for your decision so you don’t have to and go back and forth with you on every point until it means nothing, that won’t work either here or with your relationship. So yeah, take the info and make a decision yourself one way or another.