Living with somebody with Anxiety: how to survive the temper & threats

LegacyUser

Alas, this is longer than I intended so mea culpa in advance.

My wife has always been what is described as a "worrier". Fair enough. I can deal with that, I thought. In reality, it has long been a psychiatrist-diagnosed Anxiety disorder (along with Clinical Depression). However, in the past 4 years we've had our first children, and my ability to deal with "the worrying" is seriously undermined.

The first reaction to almost - and I'm using my words judiciously here - everything is fear. But it's not mere fear, it's shouting at me if everything isn't done precisely as she wants it. Last night my little toddler asked "What's wrong, Mammy?" when he saw her shouting at me. In front of them. No self-restraint at all - just purge the fear immediately at all cost. Right there is the cause of so, so, so much pain.

I back off and go to another room and then I'm told I "never" help - and the discourse thrown at me is dominated by absolutes like "never", "always" and before I know it she has invented a big ogre of a man who has my name. For me, this embrace of such absolutist language is creating a huge problem by distorting reality and when I ask her to please use measured words, I'm accused of trying to control her, with the implication that I'm abusing her. I back off, again. And so this pattern has been going on for some time now.

The principal problem, as I see it, is she verbalises her fears without thinking past that immediate second. Last summer she asked me, on two different occasions, do I want to separate, an issue I had never ever mentioned in our 15 years together. Something was broken in our relationship as soon as that word was mentioned. For me, it was a threat. And I haven't recovered. I arranged marriage counselling, whereupon she said she didn't want to separate and wasn't threatening me but was afraid I wanted it. At that time, she had been barely intimate with me for the preceeding 6 months, if not 3 years and I was, as I told the counsellor, "withering" in the relationship where we never, ever had time together as she refused to leave the children for even a few hours.

Two weeks ago she told me that our daughter's friend's parents are separating. I asked her was she still thinking like that about us. She lost the plot, and began with "I will get sole custody..." I'm, still, in abject disbelief that she would make such a threat given that I initiated counselling after her "separation" talk last summer. This threat is still very fresh, and the fact she is a solicitor with an army of legal people around her is yet another dynamic here. She also has deep, and determined, pockets on her parental side. When I mentioned this latest threat, the counsellor suggested she get special help for anxiety but I'm internally screaming that these outbursts are being accepted when they are taking the ground from under me each time. For me these are the most fundamental issues of security and mental health, threatened.

So far, we have had 10 weeks where we've gone out together away from the kids: each time to the marriage guidance counsellor, for an hour and straight home. When I said in counselling that I wanted us to have time together, the counsellor suggested that my wife is "about 10 stages" away from feeling like she wants to do that. "Stages"? How many years more does that mean? I got very disillusioned with counselling at that point. One night after that, the meeting had been cancelled when we arrived so she agreed to come to dinner with me for that hour. It was brilliant, like the old times, and we made love that night. She says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, as she said in counselling. But nothing since. Tonight, I will go out (to a church concert) on my own for the first time in our marriage. She doesn't want to leave the children with anybody else and because we're already asking her parents to cover us for counselling each week she doesn't want to ask them again. I feel this is another landmark of loneliness as she knows I want to go with her, something we regularly did before the kids. I've always found it deeply spiritual, and I feel the loss of that spirituality acutely now more than ever.

More contextually re the Anxiety, she seems addicted to reading the most fear-filled stories online (usually on the Daily Mail) and looking for elements of all the world's craziness in our ostensibly normal lives. To my lay eye, she is feeding this craziness and the relationship which I have is now so far from reality and in trying to solve it I'm trying to tackle this imagined world where I am somebody I don't recognise and all sorts of intentions, motivations and ill-will which I've never possessed have been attributed to me. So not only have we real issues to deal with there is this. For the record, I never drink, smoke or take any drugs, or gamble or do pornography or have any other addiction. I've never cheated on her, or wanted to. It's not that I'm intentionally "boring"; like so many others I work hard and I'm always dead tired by the time the children are in bed at 9:30-10pm (and that lateness is still a huge cause of stress, despite hiring a sleep consultant). We both have decent, secure jobs (although she earns more than me, we contribute exactly the same to all bills) so all the supposedly "big stuff" is there more than it ever has been. But this "all work and no love" is a profoundly empty, and lonely, and unhappy existence. It is getting darker when I think of my options if I have to get love outside this marriage - at most a dingy flat while I pay for my half of this house and everything else. I could leave Ireland and that would be much better for my quality of life and in particular my mental health, but my kids, whom I obviously adore and who adore me to bits, need me badly.

The most straightforward thing, and the thing which I still want most, would be to repair this marriage but how can I help somebody whose life of perpetual fear is expressed in outbursts, threats and humiliation of me?

Sardonicat

Does she work outside the home? You mentioned she is a solicitor.

Has she ever had treatment for her 'anxiety'?

LegacyUser

Sardonicat wrote: »

Does she work outside the home? You mentioned she is a solicitor.

Has she ever had treatment for her 'anxiety'?

Yes, she works fulltime outside the home. Yes, she has undergone treatment for Anxiety over many years.

Sardonicat

How does she cope with her symptoms at work? The treatment isn't really helping her is it? Does she allow your kids to excercise age appropriate agency?

Sorry for all the questions OP. I guess what I'm getting at is whether the abusive behaviour she exhibits towards you does indeed stem from anxiety or is she using her anxiety as a means of controlling those around her. I can understand you cutting her some slack because she is trying to cope with anxiety, but there comes a point where coping ends and abuse begins. And that is what you are describing, BTW.

Big Bag of Chips

I would also second the above post. Does she cope in work or does she lose it with her colleagues? I know it is possible for people to hold it together in work and then fall apart in the comfort of home. But if this is something that never lets up, something that is now her default reaction, then that is something more than anxiety. It seems to now be a habit. Something that she has slipped into and doesn't know how to break out of.

Does she attend counselling on her own? I think marriage counselling isn't really going to work unless the core issue is also being tackled. Her behaviour and reactions are what's causing the issues for you in the marriage, so is that being dealt with? Or is the marriage counseling focusing on his you need to change to make allowances for her?

I think you need to let it be known how serious this has become for you. Her behaviour is what needs to be addressed. The way she's living is not good, for her, for you, for your children. No amount of marriage counselling is going to make your marriage better if her anxiety isn't tackled.

Honeydew3456

Hi op,

From what I can see you are in an abusive relationship:

www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

Granted you say anxiety underpins this behaviour, and you/she have known this for years, it really is not good enough at this stage of the game. Especially as she has been getting treatment for this for years and you are still the emotional punch bag when it flares up, which seems to be a significant amount of time?

So she knows your marraige is in trouble, have you seen any effort from her as a result to manage/control her anxiety issues?

You sound like a good, kind, responsible man. If the answer to the above is no, maybe it's time to start carving out a life of your own and organising things that make you happy, like you did going to that concert.

Perhaps in time she will meet you half way in your marraige but you need to think about your mental health too.

Where are the children when these outburts occur?

suicide_circus

its hard to avoid the conclusion that you are in an abusive relationship. threatening you with taking your children away is about as low as you can go, downright nasty.

keep a full record of all the threats and damaging behaviour and contact AMEN.

Rologyro

I agree with the other posters that this sounds like an abusive relationship. Personally as someone who’s suffered with anxiety and depression in the past, I can say that while I wasn’t fun company, I knew exactly the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

If she wouldn’t throw a tantrum at your church then you know she can control it if she really wants to.

On the other hand if you want the marriage to be more bearable, perhaps she could talk to her doctor about the suitability of anti-anxiety medication. I’m only saying this because personally it turned my life around, I hope the mods don’t mind or take this suggestion away.

wiggle16

My ex partner suffered very, very badly from anxiety, and while I know different people deal with it in different ways, her behaviour is way beyond what can be attributed to anxiety. My ex never ever acted like this. I have close friends who suffer with it and again, they have never acted like this. Sounds like it's a front for her. She can control it when she wants to - she's only anxious, it seems, when it's just you, her and the kids at home.

I don't have a lot to add, I second the advice you've been given above and would agree you are in an abusive relationship. I think that you need to remove her anxiety as a factor from the equation when assessing this. I agree with sardonicat, it sounds like she's using it as a means of controlling you and making her behaviour permissible.

Keep a record of every outburst. Examine your own reactions to her behaviour: every time you modify your behaviour to suit her or keep one of her attacks at bay or from escalating, make a note of it and what effect it had on your behaviour and how it made you feel. I'd say you'll start to see a pattern emerging pretty quickly if you haven't already

LolaJJ

OP

Off topic, but as saddened as I was reading your post I feel compelled to compliment your ability to articulate yourself and tell your story. (sorry)

From what you have said, this sounds like 30% anxiety and 70% control. Passive aggressive remarks to garner reassurance but also let you know the consequences of you deciding to assert any independence.

Would you consider going to counseling alone? I'm sure the marriage counselling is helpful but must be slightly censored

spaceHopper

OP Keep a diary of your own toughs and events, best not to let her know you are doing it. Something as simple as school copy book you keep in your car or at work. This will help you understand what's happening and if you do end up separating you have evidence of the effect of her behaviour on you and on the children. Not nice to do but one day it could save you and your children. Also talk to citizens information. If you did separate your means and her means will be taken into account so you would not be expected to pay half and be left with noting.

I would put the foot down, in the presence of the councillor tell her you don't see this being solved by couples counselling alone she needs to recognise the problems she is causing and get help to address them on her own. If this keeps going she is damaging the children and will end your marriage.

What are her parents like, do they know you are going to couples counselling? Can you explain to them that her anxiety is causing big problems and can they talk to her. I feel bad for all of you, she can't be happy either and you must be stressed out of your bin.

Spend time with your kids take them to a play ground...