Flatmate boyfriend practically with us now

Thread title error I meant lady Friends boyfriend is practically living with us now

So there is 3 of us in a house share my partner and I and my friend and we lived together for about two years now and our friend met someone and that’s great and comes over every now and again and stays over the odd time but lately it’s becoming he’s staying 2 nights on the weekends for ages and now this weekend he’s staying 3 nights.

Infact he’s staying tonight till Monday and when my friend goes to work on the weekends he leaves him alone in the house wherever we are here or not. He’s such a dope he went out just now and left the front door open and we live in the city and anyone could of walked in.

We did try and talk to our friend but didn’t wanna cause a problem we just managed to say he’s not or be given a key but he might as well at this stage. Not only that he uses the shower and doesn’t clean it never mind eating our food and using all our electric.

Now I know you’ll say if your not happy move out and I wish it was that simple I can’t afford anywhere like without living on the breadline

Sorry for the rant

Hoboo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Thread title error I meant lady Friends boyfriend is practically living with us now

So there is 3 of us in a house share my partner and I and my friend and we lived together for about two years now and our friend met someone and that’s great and comes over every now and again and stays over the odd time but lately it’s becoming he’s staying 2 nights on the weekends for ages and now this weekend he’s staying 3 nights.

Infact he’s staying tonight till Monday and when my friend goes to work on the weekends he leaves him alone in the house wherever we are here or not. He’s such a dope he went out just now and left the front door open and we live in the city and anyone could of walked in.

We did try and talk to our friend but didn’t wanna cause a problem we just managed to say he’s not or be given a key but he might as well at this stage. Not only that he uses the shower and doesn’t clean it never mind eating our food and using all our electric.

Now I know you’ll say if your not happy move out and I wish it was that simple I can’t afford anywhere like without living on the breadline

Sorry for the rant

Does she ever goes stay in his?

chuck eastwood

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Thread title error I meant lady Friends boyfriend is practically living with us now

So there is 3 of us in a house share my partner and I and my friend and we lived together for about two years now and our friend met someone and that’s great and comes over every now and again and stays over the odd time but lately it’s becoming he’s staying 2 nights on the weekends for ages and now this weekend he’s staying 3 nights.

Infact he’s staying tonight till Monday and when my friend goes to work on the weekends he leaves him alone in the house wherever we are here or not. He’s such a dope he went out just now and left the front door open and we live in the city and anyone could of walked in.

We did try and talk to our friend but didn’t wanna cause a problem we just managed to say he’s not or be given a key but he might as well at this stage. Not only that he uses the shower and doesn’t clean it never mind eating our food and using all our electric.

Now I know you’ll say if your not happy move out and I wish it was that simple I can’t afford anywhere like without living on the breadline

Sorry for the rant

Not a rant at all and you are well within your rights to be annoyed and complain. I doubt your tenant agreement allows him to stay for a start. You probably already know that this can't end well but your first step should be to ask your friend out for a coffee without her bfand share your concerns. If you want him out then say so in as polite a way as you can.
If you can tolerate him being there if he cleans up and pays an agreed amount towards bills etc then put that idea forward. As far as eating your food and being alone in the house when you the paying renter is not home, completely unacceptable. Either way you need to have a sit down chat with her on neutral grounds and leave out him being a dope bit

Hoboo

Hoboo wrote: »

Does she ever goes stay in his?

My partner and I are both gay and my friend is gay also so he has a boyfriend

chuck eastwood

chuck eastwood wrote: »

Not a rant at all and you are well within your rights to be annoyed and complain. I doubt your tenant agreement allows him to stay for a start. You probably already know that this can't end well but your first step should be to ask your friend out for a coffee without her bfand share your concerns. If you want him out then say so in as polite a way as you can.
If you can tolerate him being there if he cleans up and pays an agreed amount towards bills etc then put that idea forward. As far as eating your food and being alone in the house when you the paying renter is not home, completely unacceptable. Either way you need to have a sit down chat with her on neutral grounds and leave out him being a dope bit

We did, well kinda and he’s reply is that his boyfriend is harmless and if anything happened he would take responability but it’s not good enough

Hoboo

Hoboo wrote: »

Does she ever goes stay in his?

On the odd weekend my friend (male) goes and stays with his boyfriend

Ursus Horribilis

Whose name is on the lease?

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Whose name is on the lease?

Me, my partner and my friend the 3 of us we’ve been living together 2 years and he’s with his boyfriend a few months now

He’s gone to work many a time and left him alone and we didn’t even know until I walked into my kitchen and saw him there and I said where “Mike” and he said at work

He didn’t tell us he was gonna be here alone. I wish I could afford my own place

wirelessdude01

Need to be straight with your friend about this. It will only fester otherwise and will strain the atmosphere in the house.

JustAThought

Say it to your friend - overnighting on occasional occasions but not him being a regular feature and he is not to be there 'unaccompanied' nor to use or take any food from the press/fridge. It will only fester - flatmates b/g friends staying over is always the biggest source of complaints- it will get worse if you do not address it. Find your courage.

Canard

I would wonder if your friend partly feels it's acceptable since your bf lives with the two of you. Of course it's entirely different as his name is on the lease, but I would make the point that what he's doing (and allowing his bf to do) is tantamount to you forcing your flatmate to split the rent equally with you with your bf as an add-on. Besides, if he sometimes stays at his place, he can't live that far away and there should be no need for him to be there by himself surely?

Canard

Canard wrote: »

I would wonder if your friend partly feels it's acceptable since your bf lives with the two of you. Of course it's entirely different as his name is on the lease, but I would make the point that what he's doing (and allowing his bf to do) is tantamount to you forcing your flatmate to split the rent equally with you with your bf as an add-on. Besides, if he sometimes stays at his place, he can't live that far away and there should be no need for him to be there by himself surely?

We’re from limerick and my friends boyfriend is from Kerry and yes all 3 of us pay the rent and our names are on the lease

leggo

I never liked people who weren’t on the lease hanging out by themselves when I lived with people. It gives you the feeling you yourself can’t leave your home, I’d lock my room if I wasn’t in it etc. You just never know. I had one housemate whose girlfriend would occasionally surprise him by being waiting there when he came home, which along with being a bit intense in itself is just taking the piss because then she had nobody’s permission to be there. I mean, I can see the point in that he must see you and your partner there, it’s obviously practical if the bf is from Kerry and he’s working...but at the end of the day, he’s not paying rent. So that’s that.

The good thing is that, with your partner (assuming they feel the same) you have the numbers in any disagreement. So I’d suggest the three of you sitting down and having an honest chat. But also mind what you say and plan it very diplomatically, as it’s guaranteed to go back to the bf and could make things awkward/contentious when they’re over if you say the wrong thing. Look into a compromise: him staying over some weekends but not all, not staying there by himself etc. You’ll get a lot if you’re willing to give a little.

My friend gone to work and his boyfriend is in bed he’ll get up soon use our shower and hang here till 7-8 until my friend finishes work.

I can’t relax in my own home and We can’t afford to live on my own, seriously hate my life

august12

Life is too short to be dealing with this crap and pussy footing around people, the lease has three people named on it, end of story, point this out to your friend and stop being so accommodating, the worst case scenario, they will leave which might be a blessing.

Dial Hard

Deleted User wrote:

My friend gone to work and his boyfriend is in bed he’ll get up soon use our shower and hang here till 7-8 until my friend finishes work.

I can’t relax in my own home and We can’t afford to live on my own, seriously hate my life

Just say something, seriously. You are allowing this to happen.

Ursus Horribilis

Dial Hard wrote: »

Just say something, seriously. You are allowing this to happen.

At this stage, what do you have to lose? You're no longer happy in your own home because of this fella. And even if you say nothing, you're probably going to end up falling out with your friend anyway. Putting yourself through misery whilst trying not to fall out with this fella won't work in the long run. You'll end up seething with resentment and maybe have a blow-out over this. This is something that needs to be stopped. Now. You and Yr other two live there. This boyfriend is a guest of your flatmate's. Not yours.

Your friend is completely and utterly taking the piss here. He has more or less moved his boyfriend into your home without asking your permission. Having him staying your place while he's at work is absolutely not on. I can't think of many people who wouldn't be furious at this. You and your partner need to both sit your flatmate down and put on a united front here. Tell him that while you have no objections to him staying x number of nights a week, he's around too much. Your friend will know this too, by the way. Agree with your partner what sort of compromise you would be happy with. Do you want your friend to move this fella in full time and split the rent 4 ways? Do you want him gone when your friend goes to work? That sort of thing. Maybe it's time for your friend to move out and get a place of his own with this fella while ye rent out his room to someone else? Hard and all as it is for you, this is a difficult conversation that has to be had. The sooner the better.

dellas1979

I think your fear of speaking up is that he will (try to) blame you for saying youre uncomfortable with this situation and interrupting his little unpaying lodger bliss.

People who do not consider others will always get that dig/blame in there. Its a way of defecting responsibility. i.e., it makes you the problem/the bad guy, not what he is doing. So, be fully clued up on this.

Here are some tips for when youve to have a difficult conversation with someone:

- Pick your timing. Not when he is rushing off to work, or when the bf is in the house.
- Always start off a conversation with "I", not "you". e.g., I wasnt asked if I wanted to live with an additional person". Not "You never asked me......" Using I takes control of the situation. Using we is even better "I feel we need to draw boundaries on when X can/cannot stay". I think "X" is a lovely person, but when we signed up/the lease, we agreed only 3 of us living here."
- Stick to facts - you did not agree to this living situation, and you pay rent and bills, so you hold most of the cards (over his bf).
- Dont shout. Even if the person starts shouting. If you shout, youve lost your point.

Thanks for the all the replies we rang him and he wasn’t happy but we had a talk on the phone and I told we need to talk on Monday when he’s gone home as I’m not having this conversation with his fella around.

We’ve gone out to enjoying our evening and the boyfriend is alone in our house it’s creepy

dellas1979

Deleted User wrote: »

he wasn’t happy

Lols-of course he wasnt (per my post above) - youre after foiling/upsetting HIM. God forbid he should consider you, his paying flatmates.

Be careful with him doing the "youre the problem" (even though he basically moved someone in without asking and they live rent free). It is funny when you think about it.

Just be aware of what he is doing/saying when he is speaking. Have none of it.

Paddy Cow

This comes up time and time again in house share. Someone gets a partner and they'll have them stay over the odd night. No big deal. Then it starts getting more regular and one night turns into two, which turns into three and suddenly they're there 24/7. For you it's a massive imposition on your privacy. For your flat mate, he's in the stage of wanting to spend as much time with his partner as he can and he is being selfish by not considering the impact this has on you (even though he won't see it that way).

When your flat mate comes back on Monday you have to have a frank conversation with him about boundaries. His boyfriend is effectively a stranger to you and it's not ok that you don't know when he will be there or that he's using your facilities and eating your food. It's better to get this awkward conversation out of the way now and come to a compromise, rather than let it fester and have a big blow out later down the road which could destroy your friendship.

wirelessdude01

Personally think the biggest imposition here is the fact the boyfriend is still staying there during the daytime when the guy isn't there. That is a big no no for any houseshare.

Ursus Horribilis

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Personally think the biggest imposition here is the fact the boyfriend is still staying there during the daytime when the guy isn't there. That is a big no no for any houseshare.

Definitely. This is the biggest weapon you have in your armoury and you are not being unreasonable at all. The flatmate and the boyfriend are a good match, it would appear. I think most people put in his position (boyfriend/girlfriend gone to work for the day) would make alternative arrangements for the day and leave too.

I hope your conversation goes well. You've been given some very good advice from Dellas. The most important thing is for you and your partner to be firm, clear and united. Good luck!

.......

Deleted User wrote: »

My friend gone to work and his boyfriend is in bed he’ll get up soon use our shower and hang here till 7-8 until my friend finishes work.

I can’t relax in my own home and We can’t afford to live on my own, seriously hate my life

Tell him to leave if your friend isnt in the house - he doesnt live there.