I haven't met anyone in years

LegacyUser

Hi all. 39 year old male here living in Dublin. As much as I have tried to live my life happily alone, I still can’t seem to be entirely 100% happy with not having found someone to share my life with. I am single now 5 years and lately I can feel sadness and even loneliness starting to creep in. I’ve known what it’s like to fall for someone in the past, and it really was wonderful. I’ve probably had maybe 3 serious girlfriends that didn’t work out for some reason or another, and I always just thought I’d meet someone else again one day and have that special spark. But it’s just not happening and although I probably said I’ve really given up before, this time I feel like I really have given up.
I met a lot of women from internet dating over the past few years, but I probably couldn’t remember a quarter of them at this stage, all of them were usually nice but there was never any attraction there. I haven’t actually had sex in 3 years now! The odd snog here and there when drunk but that’s about as far as it has gone.
I look after myself physically as in work out probably 5 times a week and I’m in quite good shape and as much as it pains me to say it being rather modest and all, have always been told I’m handsome. I’ve other pastimes like I play a musical instrument and I read a lot but none of them involve actually meeting people. I also live alone. I can’t even remember the last time I met any women socially on a night out or anything. I’ve a few friends here but most are settled and don’t do an awful lot bar going to pub the odd time and getting wasted, something I don’t do anywhere near as much as I used to. I tried a couple of meet up groups and they just weren’t my thing, I always naturally made friends and met women up until a few years ago so those things just don’t really suit me I think.
I guess I was wondering what other people have done in this situation? I know they say you’ll meet someone when you’re not trying, but it’s not happening, and another 5 years of not meeting anyone (and celibacy!) could easily pass by. I mean I enjoy my life I’m very lucky and financially and health wise everything is great. I guess I’m lonely. Well thanks for reading.

Augme

Ronaldo GOAT wrote: »

guess I was wondering what other people have done in this situation?

They go out and find ways to meet people. So, figure out things you can do that will involve meeting people, and ideally people of the opposite sex who are around your age.

cannotlogin

I get it. I'm female and would have been in a similar situation up until recently.

That said, I know so many women your ages than are in the same position as you - far more than I do men.

Start asking people to set you up single women they know, if you are in Dublin there is an abudence of single women your age.

Conor Bourke

cannotlogin wrote: »

Start asking people to set you up single women they know, if you are in Dublin there is an abudence of single women your age.

While I could almost have written the OPs post verbatim and would love to meet someone, I balk at this piece. I have a colleague on an absolute mission to set me up with someone/anyone and it makes me die a little inside. A friend set me up with someone years ago, lovely fella but no spark and never want to be set up again. In my opinion it’s virtually impossible for someone else to find the right person for you, though perhaps my standards are too aspirational. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the single life for now and it doesn’t hold me back from doing anything but the company of THE RIGHT person would be lovely.

If you’re feeling more happy-go-lucky about it all than I am OP and you don’t mind the idea of giving it a bash, sure go ahead and get your friends etc to act as matchmakers. Otherwise I’m afraid I don’t have much beyond the usual cliché suggestions of joining a group which interests you or maybe some volunteering.

Best of luck!

Daisy78

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you might have posted here before about this issue? If so I’m not sure what further advice can be given. Nevertheless there were one or two things that jumped out at me from reading your post. You say that you haven’t met anyone in years but go on to say that you have had many online dates with women that haven’t gone anywhere. Why not? You say that you didn’t feel any spark but how many dates did you go on with each woman you met? More than one? Expecting a thunderbolt of attraction on your first date is a bit unrealistic and not giving anyone much of a chance. If it’s a clear “no” then fair enough but some might fall into the maybe category, on that basis alone it’s worth pursuing something beyond a first date, people don’t necessarily shine on a first date due to nerves and a bit of social awkwardness.

Are your standards unrealistic and unreasonable? Surely we all have them but if they are working against you to such an extent that you are sabotaging your chances of finding great then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate what it is you want? If you are going on that many dates and not meeting anyone even remotely suitable then the issue lies with you.

You say that you have had the odd kiss on a night out, what stopped you from asking for their number? They might have been a good match for you but you don’t know that unless you take a chance.

Meeting someone once you get past your mid thirties is tough but not impossible, far from it. However you do need to be more pragmatic in your search and keep an open mind. You might not like going to the meetiup groups but unless you have plenty of alternative options open to you then it’s probably not best to dismiss them too quickly. You either accept your current circumstances and see the positives of being single (and from your post you don’t appear to be happy to do this) or you change something, which in my view is your attitude and approach rather than looking for other ways to meet women.

Curious Scot

Have you tried the Pen Friends section of the Ireland's Own?
Seriously, many successful relationships have arisen from forums like that.
The best of luck anyway.

ginandtonicsky

Your post is really familiar. Have you posted about this a few times before? If that's the case I think you should be asking yourself why you're not proactively looking to change your circumstances. Why is nothing changing for you?

It's tough out there, I'm early 30s/female/single myself and I yearn for the security and comfort of a relationship, being in love, all of that. I hate the apps. I hate that you almost HAVE TO be on them these days and yet everyone is so jaded and frustrated by them.

But if you really want a relationship and are doing everything in your power to meet someone, you'd probably have met someone by now. You've got all the hallmarks of an attractive prospect to women - fit, well rounded, independent, copped on.

Are you open-minded in your approach to meeting someone? Are you giving women that don't fit the prototype of she-looks-like-an-ex or she's-really-hot a chance? "Fireworks" are rare on the apps and in fact I don't think they're a sign of having met someone compatible. They're a sign of lust, physical attraction, fancying someone. I've had two long-term relationships and neither started with that light bolt of attraction - they were slow-burning friendships that turned into something more. Guys I definitely would've "swiped past" if I saw them on tinder.

It's something to think about if you're bailing after 2 or 3 dates because you're not falling for the person in similar ways to previous times. Things like similar backgrounds, values, interests, sense of humour, familial relationships and future aspirations are greater predictors of longevity than fireworks and falling for someone within hours of meeting them.

Also - think outside the box. Any women in your social circle in a similar position? Friends of friends, people you meet at weddings or christenings, people you grew up around or knew back in school/college? I was at my cousin's wedding recently and have since started seeing an old friend of hers from her childhood - a guy that has always been there down through the years that I never thought about in that way, but he asked me out and he's "not my usual type" and I said yes and I'm glad I did. It might go nowhere, who knows, but had I stuck to the old script of "I go for X type of guy" or "it has to happen in Y way" then I'd also be single for the next 5 years.

You've heard the phrase "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got".

Be as self-aware as possible too. Are you repeating the same behaviours with women you meet? Are you ignoring signs of attraction from them? Is your body language open, flirty, playful when you meet someone you're attracted to? Are you drawn to red flag behaviour in the women you're into? Do you tend to go for a certain type that's not good for you?

And are you really as proactive as you could be? When's the last time you asked a woman out in real life, as opposed to on an app? It's a very simple idea, but you have to get used to ASKING for what you want, otherwise you run the risk of never getting it. It's not really woven into Irish culture to be direct like this, but there's smart ways of doing it. Next time you see someone you like, position yourself near them, find a reason however innocuous to engage, strong eye contact etc, ask them if they'd be open to grabbing a drink sometime. The men I see getting into relationships around me are the ones who are proactive like this, chat to women whenever they can and have no shame in flirting and expressing interest and asking women out.

Emme

OP you HAVE met people in the last few years but you just didn't want to take it further. As a single man of 39 living in Dublin you have no excuses for not meeting anyone unless deep down you don't want to and won't admit it to yourself. Have you inordinately high standards such as rejecting anyone who isn't a six foot 21 year old supermodel?

Find ways to meet women in places where you can get to know them over time such as hiking clubs, bootcamp groups and meetup groups. Excuses not accepted. Get out there!

Jurgen Klopp

Surely there must be plenty of speed dating events in Dublin would you try it a evening of chatting to different women and see it would be a bit handier than online as you'd get an idea if there was some bit of a click

JustAThought

<snipped>

wiggle16

Mod warning:

Justathought,

You are around long enough now to know that that kind of post or making light of the OP's issue isn't welcome in PI. Any more posts like that will result in a card.

DundalkFan86

Have you tried lisdorvana matchmaking festival in Clare lad sounds of bit of craic. Lad don't give up the rite person is there for you.

Gonad

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

While I could almost have written the OPs post verbatim and would love to meet someone, I balk at this piece. I have a colleague on an absolute mission to set me up with someone/anyone and it makes me die a little inside. A friend set me up with someone years ago, lovely fella but no spark and never want to be set up again. In my opinion it’s virtually impossible for someone else to find the right person for you, though perhaps my standards are too aspirational. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the single life for now and it doesn’t hold me back from doing anything but the company of THE RIGHT person would be lovely.

If you’re feeling more happy-go-lucky about it all than I am OP and you don’t mind the idea of giving it a bash, sure go ahead and get your friends etc to act as matchmakers. Otherwise I’m afraid I don’t have much beyond the usual cliché suggestions of joining a group which interests you or maybe some volunteering.

Best of luck!

What’s the chances of a guy like you and a girl like him , finally ending up together ?