Father's behavior on my birthday

LegacyUser

I just wanted to put up a post as I'm still reeling from yesterday.
For background, I'm a 35-year-old woman. My parents have always been difficult.
It's one of those I'll never win /be good enough/could never please them type relationships. This is something I've made peace with because you get to a point where you need to get on with your life instead of trying to please people who will always find fault with you. I know my parents will never change and I have no desire to get them to.

More background: My dad has bipolar disorder. I have made a lot of excuses for him due to this and have always been gentle with him over the years because I know he struggles sometimes. He generally will come to me when he's having a bad day as he gets no sympathy from my mother who is quite lacking in empathy. I tend to do the mollycoddling.

So yesterday was my birthday. There had been a vague plan to go out for dinner in the evening. My Dad wished me a Happy Birthday and from then on, things seemed to take a nosedive. He was in very bad form and started snapping at me because I had expressed that I just wanted a quiet day. I'm in university at the moment and I'm just shattered after deadlines etc. He kept telling me I was being awkward and made me feel horrible. I said we didn't have to do anything and I would just go out with friends but my mother INSISTED that we go out for dinner later that evening. His bad mood wasn't shifting and I began to dread going out.

When we arrived at the hotel he started snapping again while parking the car. I said look it's grand we'll just go home, you're not in good form etc. He told me I was ruining his life? At that point I was irritated and said "You know what Dad, most fathers would be glad to spend time with their daughter on her Birthday" and he replied, "I'm legally your Dad". Think this was a dig as I'm adopted. Lovely.

I'm so pissed off because I'm the only one in the family who takes care of him when he's not having an easy time of it. There's having bipolar and there's being an asshole. My mother kept backing him up and saying I was getting upset over nothing, but it was horrible. Wish to heavens I'd just stayed in or gone out with friends.

Things have never been easy with them but I think it's a bit sad that they can't even pretend to behave for one day especially when I always make a fuss of their days. Mother's day is fast approaching, and if Dad went on like that at my mother, she'd eat the head off him.
I'll elope if I ever get married.
Am I being awkward/unreasonable? I wouldn't have even gone only for my mother insisting.
Bewildered and would appreciate any advice.

crustyjuggler

birthdayblues wrote: »

I just wanted to put up a post as I'm still reeling from yesterday.
For background, I'm a 35-year-old woman. My parents have always been difficult.
It's one of those I'll never win /be good enough/could never please them type relationships. This is something I've made peace with because you get to a point where you need to get on with your life instead of trying to please people who will always find fault with you. I know my parents will never change and I have no desire to get them to.

More background: My dad has bipolar disorder. I have made a lot of excuses for him due to this and have always been gentle with him over the years because I know he struggles sometimes. He generally will come to me when he's having a bad day as he gets no sympathy from my mother who is quite lacking in empathy. I tend to do the mollycoddling.

So yesterday was my birthday. There had been a vague plan to go out for dinner in the evening. My Dad wished me a Happy Birthday and from then on, things seemed to take a nosedive. He was in very bad form and started snapping at me because I had expressed that I just wanted a quiet day. I'm in university at the moment and I'm just shattered after deadlines etc. He kept telling me I was being awkward and made me feel horrible. I said we didn't have to do anything and I would just go out with friends but my mother INSISTED that we go out for dinner later that evening. His bad mood wasn't shifting and I began to dread going out.

When we arrived at the hotel he started snapping again while parking the car. I said look it's grand we'll just go home, you're not in good form etc. He told me I was ruining his life? At that point I was irritated and said "You know what Dad, most fathers would be glad to spend time with their daughter on her Birthday" and he replied, "I'm legally your Dad". Think this was a dig as I'm adopted. Lovely.

I'm so pissed off because I'm the only one in the family who takes care of him when he's not having an easy time of it. There's having bipolar and there's being an asshole. My mother kept backing him up and saying I was getting upset over nothing, but it was horrible. Wish to heavens I'd just stayed in or gone out with friends.

Things have never been easy with them but I think it's a bit sad that they can't even pretend to behave for one day especially when I always make a fuss of their days. Mother's day is fast approaching, and if Dad went on like that at my mother, she'd eat the head off him.
I'll elope if I ever get married.
Am I being awkward/unreasonable? I wouldn't have even gone only for my mother insisting.
Bewildered and would appreciate any advice.

You seem to be a victim of parental emotional and mental abuse .

beauf

I think it was just one of those occasions when no one is in form. Might have been wiser to cancel and do it another time.

Sounds like you have a difficult relationship. Maybe you just need a bit more space from each other at the moment.

Fifty grades of shay.

OP, you are 35 and in university?
I'm just wondering if you are dependent on any financial support from your parents?
If you are then that could be the cause of the strain.

LegacyUser

Hi again, Yes the form was bad. It's a common theme though. I did say multiple times that I would go out myself. I'm not someone who needs a big fuss made, believe me! I agree about the emotional/mental abuse. They have always been controlling/domineering types.
I have been working very hard over the last few years to distance myself emotionally from them. They are incapable of being normal parents who want their (now adult) kids to be happy. I think I just need to stop investing so much in them when they can't even pretend to care about me.

To answer the other question, my fees are being paid from an inheritance I received.
I suspect my mother is a bit bitter about me receiving this inheritance but it was after I spent four years in my early thirties caring for an ill relative. I didn't expect anything, but decided to invest it in something I very much wanted to qualify in so that I have a bit of security in my own future.

Dial Hard

Do you live with them, OP?

LegacyUser

I don't, no. I was home for the weekend which was clearly a mistake!

Ursus Horribilis

It would help if you could come back and fill us in with a bit more detail about your own circumstances. Are you living with them? Do you still have a financial dependence on them? It looks like you could do with putting more distance between them and you. You don't have to cut contact with them but be wary. The way the pair of them behaved yesterday was appalling and if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be in a rush to get back in contact with them again. I'm sure someone will pick up the phone at some stage but I think yesterday should be left to sink in for a while.

You mentioned that you're the only one who takes care of him when he's not well. If that's the case, be very careful you don't get sucked into being the carer for them. You're ripe for the picking. Single daughter in her 30s, already picking up the slack from the others. It's textbook stuff.

lalababa

Fortunately you'll have to stand up for yourself. "I'm not going out to dinner this evening because I'm tired, we'll do it next week etc.."

LegacyUser

Thank you Ursus Horribilis,

There's a slight delay with my posts getting put up, sorry!

No, I don't live with them and I'm not dependent on them. I'm glad to hear you think that was appalling behavior because my mother was making out like it wasn't that bad. It was pretty horrible. I will not be taking on my parents' old age care in the future. I've spent my whole life trying to please them only for them to throw it back at me. I'm not wasting the rest of my life on them. They will have the means to pay for care and that's what they will do. I'm washing my hands of it. I used to feel responsible for that kind of thing, but they've hurt me and disrespected me one too many times. I'm in the process of setting myself up in a career that I think I will enjoy and just need to get on with my life now.

lolo62

Sounds like your dad likes it when you're looking after him and not the other way around.

You need to get some boundaries with him. Him saying those things to you is not ok. Condition or no condition. It is abuse and at 35 you don't have to be in a situation where he has the power to do that.

Can you make your own way to the restaurant? Even if it means two busses. Make our own way home, alone. Stop the molycoddling. He's a grown up. Bipolar is totally manageable. Don't let him play the victim, especially when he just turns around and smacks you in the face!

LegacyUser

Thank you Lolo, I'd agree with that. It's very one-sided. That's kind of why I posted here. I felt "I'm too old for this ****", y'know? The hotel was awkward to get to but good advice about being able to leave on my own terms if necessary. I do think his behaviour goes well beyond bipolar at this stage and it just becomes an excuse to be a prat.

birthdayblues

birthdayblues wrote: »

At that point I was irritated and said "You know what Dad, most fathers would be glad to spend time with their daughter on her Birthday" and he replied, "I'm legally your Dad". Think this was a dig as I'm adopted. Lovely.

I'm so pissed off because I'm the only one in the family who takes care of him when he's not having an easy time of it. There's having bipolar and there's being an asshole. My mother kept backing him up and saying I was getting upset over nothing, but it was horrible.

They clearly feel entitled to treat you like crap in spite of the fact that you take care of them. This won’t change until you change. Stay away for as long as possible, focus on your own life, your studies, your friends. Unfortunately with toxic people like this, the ones who love and take care of them, in spite of being treated badly by them, end up drained and broken. Don’t let this happen to you.

Augme

I've no idea why you accept this treatment continually. Are you normally this much of a pushover in other areas of your life? You need stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. It's not healthy and I would recommend looking into councilling personally.

lolo62

Augme wrote: »

I've no idea why you accept this treatment continually. Are you normally this much of a pushover in other areas of your life? You need stop allowing yourself to be treated like this. It's not healthy and I would recommend looking into councilling personally.

I think pushover is a bit harsh unless you were going for a tough love approach. Co dependent maybe, the OP is obviously an empath and/or caring by nature which can be exploited by toxic parents. Some people never get out of it but you are dead right, I second therapy. Lots and lots of therapy!

Ursus Horribilis

People's relationships with their parents can be complicated. Even children who weren't treated well by them can have very mixed, even contradictory feelings towards them. It can take a "Straw that broke the camel's back" incident to make them do something.

I've a friend whose mother is like that. She (the friend) was telling me about narcissism years before it reached the mainstream. She and her siblings put up with a lot from their mother for years before she eventually went too far with each of them. I'm not sure how many of them are in contact with the mother just now because it's changeable.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all replies so far. To answer why I put up with it, believe me I do defend myself. They just don't think they have to be respectful toward me or indeed anyone. They are just awful at times. As I said, I have more or less decided to leave them off and focus on my own life over the last few years. maybe a long absence is required. My mother will get back in touch and act like nothing happened and then act as if I'm the problem. I do not have the energy anymore to put up with their crap. They often act like I'm their mother and not the other way around. I may see the college counsellor after reading week.

Ursus Horribilis

Seeing the college counsellor sounds like a good idea to me. In a lot of ways, you're doing pretty well for yourself and you sound like you know where you're going. Your parents don't appear to be particularly nice people. It's particularly galling that you were adopted by them. That comment about you ruining your father's life is one of the most awful things anybody can say to another person. I've no doubt you'll be fine but it won't hurt to talk to someone and perhaps come up with some ways to deal with them.

LegacyUser

The "ruining his life" comment would be typical of when he's in a manic mood, which he was yesterday. Honestly? I couldn't care less. My parents have been my single greatest source of sadness in my life so he needn't talk! They are the classic street angel/house devil types. On the surface, they look like a lovely couple who adopted two children but I honestly think they only did it so they'd have people to control. They neglected to disclose my dad's condition to the adoption agency too, who clearly didn't look too hard for such issues.

lolo62

birthdayblues wrote: »

Thank you Lolo, I'd agree with that. It's very one-sided. That's kind of why I posted here. I felt "I'm too old for this ****", y'know? The hotel was awkward to get to but good advice about being able to leave on my own terms if necessary. I do think his behaviour goes well beyond bipolar at this stage and it just becomes an excuse to be a prat.

Definitely. Lots of people have bipolar and are well able to behave civilly. The lift thing gives him a lot of control and the car is probably his own personal misery pod on wheels!
Be bigger than him, need nothing off him and you will find it easier then to hold your boundaries around what he expects you to provide for him.

StupidLikeAFox

birthdayblues wrote: »

I just wanted to put up a post as I'm still reeling from yesterday.
For background, I'm a 35-year-old woman. My parents have always been difficult.
It's one of those I'll never win /be good enough/could never please them type relationships. This is something I've made peace with because you get to a point where you need to get on with your life instead of trying to please people who will always find fault with you. I know my parents will never change and I have no desire to get them to..

This bit at the start is completely at odds with the rest of your post.

LegacyUser

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

This bit at the start is completely at odds with the rest of your post.

That I have no desire to get them to change? yeah, I see what you're saying. I don't really ever expect them TO change, but when you have someone practically forcing you out for a meal despite your protestations, it's a bit upsetting when it turns into the sh1tshow that it did. I think it's okay to feel upset by that, particularly when it's my parents behaving horribly and the bloody restaurant staff are nicer to me then they are!

LegacyUser

lolo62 wrote: »

Definitely. Lots of people have bipolar and are well able to behave civilly. The lift thing gives him a lot of control and the car is probably his own personal misery pod on wheels!
Be bigger than him, need nothing off him and you will find it easier then to hold your boundaries around what he expects you to provide for him.

Yeah, note to self: have an exit planned in future. Not that I'm going to be going to things in the future much. The next day I foresee potentially being an issue is probably Christmas. It's usually held at my brother's house and could be a long day of misery. I've decided I'll just drop off presents earlier in the day have a glass of prosecco, and then go and have a peaceful day myself doing what I want to do. I'm getting too old for this crap!

birthdayblues

birthdayblues wrote: »

Yeah, note to self: have an exit planned in future. Not that I'm going to be going to things in the future much. The next day I foresee potentially being an issue is probably Christmas. It's usually held at my brother's house and could be a long day of misery. I've decided I'll just drop off presents earlier in the day have a glass of prosecco, and then go and have a peaceful day myself doing what I want to do. I'm getting too old for this crap!

Honestly, it sounds like you have a handle on this, well done

Church on Tuesday

birthdayblues wrote: »

I just wanted to put up a post as I'm still reeling from yesterday.
For background, I'm a 35-year-old woman. My parents have always been difficult.
It's one of those I'll never win /be good enough/could never please them type relationships. This is something I've made peace with because you get to a point where you need to get on with your life instead of trying to please people who will always find fault with you. I know my parents will never change and I have no desire to get them to.

More background: My dad has bipolar disorder. I have made a lot of excuses for him due to this and have always been gentle with him over the years because I know he struggles sometimes. He generally will come to me when he's having a bad day as he gets no sympathy from my mother who is quite lacking in empathy. I tend to do the mollycoddling.

So yesterday was my birthday. There had been a vague plan to go out for dinner in the evening. My Dad wished me a Happy Birthday and from then on, things seemed to take a nosedive. He was in very bad form and started snapping at me because I had expressed that I just wanted a quiet day. I'm in university at the moment and I'm just shattered after deadlines etc. He kept telling me I was being awkward and made me feel horrible. I said we didn't have to do anything and I would just go out with friends but my mother INSISTED that we go out for dinner later that evening. His bad mood wasn't shifting and I began to dread going out.

When we arrived at the hotel he started snapping again while parking the car. I said look it's grand we'll just go home, you're not in good form etc. He told me I was ruining his life? At that point I was irritated and said "You know what Dad, most fathers would be glad to spend time with their daughter on her Birthday" and he replied, "I'm legally your Dad". Think this was a dig as I'm adopted. Lovely.

I'm so pissed off because I'm the only one in the family who takes care of him when he's not having an easy time of it. There's having bipolar and there's being an asshole. My mother kept backing him up and saying I was getting upset over nothing, but it was horrible. Wish to heavens I'd just stayed in or gone out with friends.

Things have never been easy with them but I think it's a bit sad that they can't even pretend to behave for one day especially when I always make a fuss of their days. Mother's day is fast approaching, and if Dad went on like that at my mother, she'd eat the head off him.
I'll elope if I ever get married.
Am I being awkward/unreasonable? I wouldn't have even gone only for my mother insisting.
Bewildered and would appreciate any advice.

I stopped reading at this.

Stop making a fuss of their days.

You're 35. You owe them nothing. I had an ex who was a total doormat and I'm not saying you are, but her folks treated her like **** and it very sadly contributed to our relationship failing, so I've seen this craic before first hand.

Keep civil and the bare minimum in person contact with your parents if they are that much hassle.

Live your own life and best of luck with your studies!

LegacyUser

You're right. It's years of fear of them and entitlement from them that cause me to make the fuss. They believe I owe them and that they're the greatest parents on earth and should be the centre of the universe. I would hate it to affect any future relationship. The more I can detach the better. I admit I was a doormat for years but it was because I was brainwashed into thinking I wasn't good enough for them and all sorts of crap. I don't feel that way now.

Church on Tuesday

birthdayblues wrote: »

You're right. It's years of fear of them and entitlement from them that cause me to make the fuss. They believe I owe them and that they're the greatest parents on earth and should be the centre of the universe. I would hate it to affect any future relationship. The more I can detach the better. I admit I was a doormat for years but it was because I was brainwashed into thinking I wasn't good enough for them and all sorts of crap. I don't feel that way now.

You shouldn't ever feel that way.

And nobody should be afraid of their parents either. Family is meant to support and be there through thick and thin and be at least be understanding. Sadly this is not always the case.

Concentrate on your own business OP. Be civil and decent towards your folks. Have a certain distance if you have to.

My ex ended up having to leave the country and it destroyed me TBH.

So, most importantly,please take care of your mental health and don't let this kind of nonsense drag you down.

LegacyUser

Very sorry you had to go through that, it's heartbreaking.
Some people really never can shake off the conditioning and control.
I'd be inclined to prioritize any decent relationship I'm in.
I'm well aware that my parents would view any decent partner as "competition" and start trying to battle for attention. I never tell them anything about my private life in order to protect it.
Felt fairly low yesterday as I was running it through my head in disbelief. Important to take care of myself when this stuff goes on.

Thanks!

ennis81

Hi OP
I had a horrible moment with my own parents yesterday where I finally lost my rag and told them (my dad in particular) exactly how I felt after many years of horrible situations, even though I was right I have felt v sad since yesterday, Your post has made me feel a bit better and not so alone in the crappy parents dept so thank you

LegacyUser

Oh, I'm glad...not that you can join me in this sad little club.... but at least that you feel less alone. It's good to stand up to it, I feel. You can take years of abuse and one day something (maybe small even) will cause you to crack. It isn't your fault and you deserve better treatment from people who supposedly love you. I hope you can give them a wide berth. It's the only healthy way for you. You are certainly far from alone.