How did you cope?

glenjamin

My girlfriend and I effectively broke up about 3 months ago. I'm not going to get into the specifics of how it broke up but mine and her depression played a large part in it. She would later tell me it was me who ended it with her, which was completely untrue. I was struggling and she never fought for me but instead turned her back when I needed her most. Yet I was always there for her when she needed someone. I still loved her dearly and went to seek professional help. It was during this period she told me she was struggling mentally too, as she too had a history of that.

I haven't seen her since as she has refused to meet me saying it's too tough on her and she couldn't cope. We would often text. I'd tell her how much I love her and wanted to fix everything and occasionally she'd tell me she loved me, missed me, and couldn't stop thinking about me. As the months passed she began to return my calls and texts less and less and any time I'd ask her is it over for good so I can move on she'd ignore the question time and again. I tried to do some special things for her during this period to show her I still cared but to no avail. I desperately needed an answer as I had to move on and wasn't strong enough to say goodbye myself because I was madly in love with her. Afterall, we were planning a future together and were trying for a baby prior to the breakup. In my head I knew it was over but there was this tiny glimmer of hope which kept me going as I wanted her back so bad.

Last night I got a call from her. She finally said it was over for good. It was meant to give me the closure I wanted but I'm still such a mess because 3 months later and I haven't even begun to get over her and don't know how. I think about her every hour of every day. Even now it's just gone 4am and I've woken up in a panic because she appeared in a dream. This happens quite a lot. Every little thing reminds me of her. I start a new job in two weeks which will be in the same building, different department to her. I don't know what to do or how to begin to get over this girl. My head just keeps replaying all the good things she said to me during our time together and all the promises she made about loving me forever and always being there for me. It all just seems like lies now and confuses me so much. I feel like I can never love another woman like I loved her. I know these are natural feelings post breakup, especially a relationship so deep and meaningful. I guess I'm just looking for advice from people who could share their stories of being madly in love with someone, a sudden breakup when everything was going well, and how they coped afterwards. Thank you.

leggo

A good exercise you can do if you’re ever left in limbo and wondering what someone thinks about you is this: imagine you had done the exact same thing to that person, consider everything good and bad that has happened since the break-up, then ask yourself “How would I have to feel about that person to do that?” You’ll literally be able to feel their feelings for you and it can put things into perspective. It can hurt too, but in a jarring/sobering way that can snap you into action.

Try writing down your thoughts as they come in too to get them out of your head. Use pen and paper, weird as it may sound it’s more physically exerting than typing so you’ll both process them and get them out of your system rather than have them go round and round on a loop in your head, and you’ll tire yourself out from writing.

Mindfulness is a fantastic way of separating yourself from your thoughts too. It can give your brain the space to carry on with life when you need to instead of dwelling constantly.

Counselling is also hugely helpful. Learn about attachment styles: look up yours, try figure out your ex’s too, read up on what’s normal in these type of relationships and break-ups so you know you’re not alone and how others in similar situations coped, you may be surprised. Find a good counsellor who you trust then just submit to the process, going with what they ask even if it seems weird at the time, knowing that a good state of mind lies on the other side.

Don’t try fight or dull it by turning to drink or similar. Remember that these are all natural feelings that will only be gone by feeling them all and getting them out, like when you get to that horrible stage at the end of a flu/cough where you’re literally getting all the ick out of your system. Drink, drugs etc might seem like good temporary pain relief, but it really is just temporary and it’s how you turn a few months of hell into a few years. So mourn them if you need to. Set aside time in your life to listen to sad songs, look at old pictures/texts, have a cry or whatever you need to. That’s all alright and helpful. Just don’t become obsessive with it either. Do it then be done with it.

Lastly, change your routine/circumstances. Don’t live the life that you lived with them and just leave a big gaping hole where they used to be. Do things for yourself that maybe you couldn’t because you’d devote that time to the relationship. When the new routine settles, it’ll feel weird after a while to miss the person because your normal has changed and you won’t remember how life was with them. Life just goes on because it has to, and through creating a new routine and life you can then work on making that a happy one. It’s not disrespectful towards the relationship, you don’t have to hate them if you don’t want to or anything, but it’s okay to find happiness without them and move on, so do so or at least get the wheels in motion for one day doing so.

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't had time to get over her because the whole relationship was still lingering. You were still in contact. You were still trying to make things work. You were still confused about whether or not you were actually finished. The best thing you can do for yourself is block her line of communication to you. This relationship is not going to work out now. And remaining in contact is only torturing yourself.

If you had cut all contact 3 months ago, you would be further down the road of getting over her. As it stands now, your break up has started from the start as of last night.

It will be so difficult, but you need to cut contact with her, and you need to block her means of contacting you. You can't get over someone who is still very much part of your life. She's not coming back. So you need to protect yourself now.

glenjamin

Thank you guys.

I've done the writing part. What my therapist said was to write down facts from the relationship about bad or selfish things about her rather than thoughts to help me through it.

I've been really struggling since it ended. I've been crying since I woke up in a panic lash night and the other day I found a poem from her about how she'd always be there for me that made me burst into tears.

I'm not coping well at all. I just want to know if this is normal. I'm even finding myself obsessing and each time I tell myself not to text her I can't go more than a few days without sending something I've probably said a hundred times already. I just want to be happy and I know it sounds like a cliché but I genuinely thought she was the one. I'm turning 30 next month and I know it's still considerably young but it just worries me I won't find anyone like her again. I don't even know where to start to find someone new when I'm ready. I met her by pure accident and have never found dating apps to be any use as I'm more into personality and connection with someone than looks. I just feel lost right now.

leggo

Alright so what have you learned about yourself through that post alone? Your main fear is being alone and ‘not finding anyone like her’, perhaps even moreso than the natural loss and mourning that comes with the end of a relationship. So it’s not actually about the relationship or her, it’s about your fear. You can deal with that.

Was this your first relationship OP? If not, you’ve been through break-ups before. You’ve probably felt these feelings before then too, if less intense than this time because of the expectations you attached to this relationship. But you were fine then and found happiness again with this girl right? Why would you not find that again? Could you possibly have confidence/self-esteem issues that you may only be discovering now? If so, boom there’s another issue that isn’t actually tied to her that you can work on by yourself.

Keep doing that. Keep feeling the feelings that you’re going through then exploring them to see what parts are something you yourself can work on. In time you’ll realise, and trust me on this because I’ve been exactly where you are, that this isn’t actually about her but it’s about what this situation has brought up within yourself. That’s a good thing: because you don’t need her to resolve those issues, and once you do you’ll actually be stronger and better than you were before.

Pledge to yourself now that you’re going to be okay one day and you’re going to find the answers to all of this, eventually accept that this relationship is over, and find happiness again. Make that your goal. And the thing with that is: now you know these issues exist within you, you actually can’t get back with her at least for the time being because until they’re fixed (and hers are too), the relationship would go the exact same way and you’d start right back at square one and every millimetre of recovery you’ve gone through, every bit of suffering you’ve endured, will be lost and for nothing.

In the meantime, get rid of her on social media if you haven’t already. It’s no good. It will only restart the cycle of obsessing until you’re approaching weirdo stalker levels and setting yourself back daily. It has to go. Click unfollow/block, even if you don’t feel ready. Just trust it’s for the best and do it, then you can’t go back. Block her number or even ask her to block you if you don’t trust yourself. Don’t worry about dating apps or anything like that, you’re nowhere near ready to go into that and won’t be while you’re at this stage. So putting off doing all of the above is actually prolonging the amount of time you’re alone and setting your worst fears in motion, it’s self-destructive. Once you’ve done that, follow the steps you’ve been given here. It WILL be okay. Like I said I’ve been exactly where you are and relate so hard. There is another side and one day you will be on it, how soon that is is up to you though.