New guy won't plan dates

LegacyUser

I'm seeing someone new that I really like but there is one issue I can't seem to get over; he doesn't seem to plan things?

After our first meeting it was 3 weeks before we met again. I'd suggest something he'd apologise and say he was busy but not suggest anything else. Anyway, we eventually did meet again and he was wonderful. We've met a few times since but each time I'v arranged the date and he's been late. Only 10-15mins, nothing major and he's always apologetic but it's still everytime.

He did try to organise one date but it was morning of and I was busy (a few days prior I'd mentioned I'd no plans for the weekend but then went on to organise some), and he wasn't even that it was an invite. Essentially he sent me a link to an exhibition and said "This seems like something that would interest you. It's on in town atm". I only found out later he was trying to invite me.

We met last on Tuesday and I said it would be nice to do something this weekend as we've never done anything but dinner and drinks. I was pretty free but he was definitely busy Saturday and maybe Sunday. So we said we'd do something Sun or Mon depending on how his thing panned out. He's been in contact with me all week (albeit sporadically) and has just now (Sun eve) text me a joke but still no mention of seeing eachother???

I really like this guy and think we could be great together but this just makes me feel really underappreciated and question whether or not he's actually interested. We're both late 20's but I'm quite experienced and I'm guessing he's not? Maybe that's it?

leggo

First instinct is “he’s just not that into you” and you’re filling in blanks yourself because you’re enjoying the time you spend together and want it to work out. A decent exercise you can do is just not text first or make plans unless he does. I’d also be carrying on with your life, chatting to other people if you like too, and not putting thoughts or hopes into this guy yet. It doesn’t sound like it’s enough to be holding onto. If he rises up to the challenge, then good. If he doesn’t, then at least you know and didn’t put your eggs in this basket, maybe someone else will while you’re waiting. It happens so often that while we’re hmming and hawing over one thing, another just comes along and takes the wheel. So be open to that.

Loveinapril

I agree with Leggo. He is not as interested in you as you are him. If he was he would make an effort. Pull back on contacting him first or making plans. Live your life and let him slot into yours when you are free. If he tries to make last minute plans you should be quick enough to tell him you need a few days notice.

Pawwed Rig

It may be that he just lacks confidence. You say you don't think he is experienced so he maybe does not know what is expected of him or is wary of making suggestions in case they are rejected. Also try to pick up on his signs. Most relationships I have ever been in it has been 1 person that does most of the organising. Would you be happy if it was you in this one?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. He almost always texts first and seems to think he to (or maybe just wants to) text everyday. It's part of the reason I'm confused. But then he won't reply for hours.

Pawwed Rig

Not everyone is tied to their phone all day. He always texts you first? Why is that? Is he getting mixed signals whereby he is not sure where you are as a 'couple'?

suicide_circus

some people are just flaky. it can be an extremely irritating trait if you are someone with your sh!t together and your head screwed on. is he responsible and on-the-ball in other aspects if his life?

Caranica

Are you sure he's single OP? That's what jumps out at me. From experience I know that guys in relationships can be very good at texting /messaging but not so good at the meeting up. It's happened me that I eventually found out that the guy was attached and was playing away.

Charles Ingles

You could be coming across as clingy and too needy.
Take a step back see what happens either way you're not going to make him do way you want.
Also wanting him to chase you and plan everything Isn't fair in this day and age

lalababa

Simple: If you want a packet of rice you go to the shop and buy rice.
If you want to make plans with him, make plans with him. If you don't, don't.
Tell us how you get on.

Dial Hard

Charles Ingles wrote:

Also wanting him to chase you and plan everything Isn't fair in this day and age

I think that's incredibly unfair. She never once said she wants him to chase her and plan everything, she just wants him to put in *some* bloody effort, which is fair enough.

FWIW, OP, I think he's just a bit lazy and clueless rather than not that pushed. But the only way that's ever going to change (and it might not, just fyi) is for you to say it to him.

LegacyUser

OP, I've personally always noticed a difference between men who really like me, versus men who were just wasting my time or lukewarm with me. Those that were actually interested were not shy about it, were never "too busy", never left it to the last minute to make plans, phoned me, engaged with me and generally met my interest halfway.

This guy isn't meeting you even 20% of the way.

It's very easy to text and that can seem like a person is interested when they aren't. If a person is not following through with actions, why bother wasting your time on them?

As Leggo said, don't put all your eggs in his baske, put yourself out there with other men. He's not really showing any proper interest so I'd cut him lose.

Bigbagofcans

Smileycakes wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. He almost always texts first and seems to think he to (or maybe just wants to) text everyday. It's part of the reason I'm confused. But then he won't reply for hours.

So much pressure put on people to reply to messages straightaway. Everyone is entitled to their space and a break from their phone, it's suffocating at times if people are constantly messaging you.

Rubberchikken

he may be someone who isnt always attached to their phone or even someone who replies to a txt straight away but shouldnt there be a bit of enthusiasm at the start of a new relationship.

that or he is with someone else also.
op maybe you need to ask him. you deserve to know either way.

Bruisedego

In my experience, any guy who is interested will contact you and will want to see you. I have made all the excuses for the ones who didn't but I liked them and always gave them the benefit of the doubt. When I stopped messaging, they only contacted when they wanted something.

Leave him a few days , don't message, see if he makes contact. Nobody is too busy if they want to be in contact.

You are worth more op.

Charles Ingles

Why don't you ring him tell him how you feel see what he has to say.
Might be the easiest way to resolve the situation us men are not mind reader's.

ginandtonicsky

How did the first date come about? Did you ask him or did he ask you?

I've experienced both scenarios, the "just not that into me" and the actually clueless guys who had no real relationship experience and expected me to lead the way. One of the latter came back several months later wondering why I dropped out of contact, we tried again but I had lost so much respect due to his total lack of taking the initiative that it never got off the ground.

Both situations aren't great indicators of long-term potential tbh. The first for obvious reasons, the second because that flakiness and lack of proactivity usually extends beyond planning dates and into other areas of his life. It'll drive you mental.

If you like him that much you could try the direct approach. "Hey Sean. I really enjoy spending time with you but am wondering if you feel the same. I really can't tell as it seems to be me making all the plans" and see what he says.

Xterminator

Hi Op

some of the advice here is verging on advising you to ghost him or play hard to get games seems childish and petty.

Simply have a chat with him. If you don't like something or it upsets you, communicate that to him. Don't drop hints, beat around the bush, tell him a story about a friend that got upset with her boyfriend etc. Face to face tell him what made you feel like he may not be too interested, and explain what you would prefer.

He may just need you to let him know. He may not agree - and if not he can tell you why and as a couple you can decide this is worth/not worth going forward with.

Calypso Realm

OP-Sorry but interested guys act interested and this guy is, at best very lukewarm. When someone is truly into you, believe me you'll know! It's obvious.

By all means talk to him ( reckon, you'll most likely hear a list of excuses, but I doubt you'll see any change) but if I were you, I'd cut my losses here and find someone else who will reciprocate your feelings. Sorry.

LegacyUser

He is spinning plates and you just happen to be one of the plates. Probably has no intention to settle down.

.......

Dated a guy like this once who would only ever make plans last minute.

So I just stopped being available, when he would ring and see if I was busy *that evening* Id say "oh no, Ive got plans". After a few weeks he expressed frustration and I told him that if he wanted to see me he would need to make plans and not just expect me to be free whenever he called.

Ultimately he turned out to just be a flaky person who was also quite selfish. No loss.