Introducing new partner to children

LegacyUser

Hi all

Looking for some advice here. Won't give too many details but I am separated from my wife. I have two children. I mind them during the week and my ex-wife has them at weekends

I am seeing a great girl almost 6 months. My situation is quite complicated but she's been fantastic with me and very understanding. It's getting to the stage where it's quite serious and I'd like to broach the issue of introducing her to my children. My solicitor has advised me not to introduce any girl I go on a date with but this is now much more than that

I presume this has come up before for people. How do people approach it? Introduce her as "my friend"? What about overnights? She's stayed over many times but never when the children were about

I want to move on with my life but obviously want to expose my children to the least possible volatility

Any advice very welcome - thank you in advance

Dial Hard

How old are your children? How long are you separated? Both of these things will be a huge influence on when and how you introduce your girlfriend, but even from a general point of view, my opinion would be that 6 months is too soon.

LegacyUser

It's great you're in the first flush of new love& all that, but seriously, 6 months is WAAAAY too early to introduce a partner to your children.
I'd wager you haven't even had your first argument with this woman yet- & unlikely to have spent more than 2 weeks living with her fulltime (doing the boring stuff like paying bills, doing groceries & haggling over the tv remote....that's the real challenge to a relationship!!!)
Also, divorces are acrimonious enough at the best of times. Do you really want to give your ex-wife extra ammunition & reason to fight you even more for a larger settlement? Think of the bigger picture. Use your head here.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it all really depends on personal situations. I don't think there's a one size fits all. You could wait until you're a year together, introduce her, and then end up separating a couple of months (or years!) later.

This is something you will have to judge for yourself. And a lot will depend in how old your children are. If they are old enough to understand the concept of a new gf then that's what you introduce her as.

What is your relationship with your ex like. You mention your situation bring complicated. Is she likely to cause a fuss over this? Is it something you'd consider telling her before your children? Chances are you're children aren't going to be as bothered about this as you! So long as she's kind to them and doesn't step on toes, it will probably be smooth enough.

leggo

I’ve dated single parents before who’ve made the mistake of introducing me too soon. The mistake they made, for me in hindsight, was treating it like a test of the relationship to see how it fit. They were very eager to do this, much like you are, because they were like “Well we need to see how you get on with them.”

It never mattered how well I got on with the kids (which was very well both times, I’d be good with kids) because the relationships ultimately weren’t right. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d dig my heels in and be like “Let’s focus on seeing if we’re right first, then when it’s super serious and we’re sure, go for it.” So almost leave it until we were nearly sure we wanted to be married.

As someone said above, have you even had your first fight with them yet? A hugely important part of a relationship (and one we often overlook) is conflict resolution: how you deal with problems together when they arise. You can’t judge everything on what it’s like when it’s good because it won’t always be good. And the catch 22 is if you’ve had loads of problems at 6 months, that’s probably a sign in itself that it’s a bad move to introduce. If you haven’t, then it’s a bridge you haven’t crossed. Either way, I’d say too soon on balance.

If it’s forever, there’s no rush in doing anything major like this. If it’s not, you probably shouldn’t be doing it anyway. Nobody ever looks back and says “We were TOO sensible in waiting longer there actually...”

lawred2

Dcvvvb wrote: »

It's great you're in the first flush of new love& all that, but seriously, 6 months is WAAAAY too early to introduce a partner to your children.
I'd wager you haven't even had your first argument with this woman yet- & unlikely to have spent more than 2 weeks living with her fulltime (doing the boring stuff like paying bills, doing groceries & haggling over the tv remote....that's the real challenge to a relationship!!!)
Also, divorces are acrimonious enough at the best of times. Do you really want to give your ex-wife extra ammunition & reason to fight you even more for a larger settlement? Think of the bigger picture. Use your head here.

Met my now wife 11 years ago and yet to have an argument. I don't think that's a metric.

Loveinapril

Personally I think it is too soon. It's just starting to get serious, so let it. Allow your new relationship to develop and get stronger before you bring in the kids, for their sake. It is also definitely something you should discuss with your ex on how best to manage the introduction.

LegacyUser

lawred2 wrote: »

Met my now wife 11 years ago and yet to have an argument. I don't think that's a metric.

Arguments - not necessarily shouting or aggressive ones- call them "disagreements" f you prefer- are a healthy& natural part of relationships. They represent a rounded level of interaction if you're living with someone 24/7.
It's absolutely impossible to agree 100% with someone 100% of the time,& anyone who tells you otherwise is either fibbing or oblivious.
I've been in "perfect" relationships which seemed to be going brilliantly& swimmingly, but lack of open communication & honest conversations meant feelings were buried& tensions brewed over minor niggles because 1/both of us were almost too polite or too afraid to address the issues as they arose.

lawred2

OnlyinUtopia wrote: »

Arguments - not necessarily shouting or aggressive ones- call them "disagreements" f you prefer- are a healthy& natural part of relationships. They represent a rounded level of interaction if you're living with someone 24/7.
It's absolutely impossible to agree 100% with someone 100% of the time,& anyone who tells you otherwise is either fibbing or oblivious.
I've been in "perfect" relationships which seemed to be going brilliantly& swimmingly, but lack of open communication & honest conversations meant feelings were buried& tensions brewed over minor niggles because 1/both of us were almost too polite or too afraid to address the issues as they arose.

Ok

Goodigal

It's way too soon IMO. They don't need to meet her just yet, and they need their time with you exclusively. She can stay at weekends when you're free. But I know, as a separated parent, that I wouldn't introduce my sons to someone new for at least a year. You would want to be yourself again, not just 'mam' or 'dad'. Enjoy your free time with her and see how things go.

hairyprincess

My partner and I introduced our respective children to each other after about 5/6 months. We all went on holidays together after 10 months.
Every few weeks we all meet up and go for dinner, the cinema etc. We’ve also had a few sleepovers and are going on holiday again this year.

The time is right when you both feel it is right.

skallywag

I don't necessarily think that 6 months is too soon at all, depending though on how long you have actually been separated and living apart.

Shelli2

It sounds like you know this is serious and feels right to introduce the kids.
You are the only one who can judge that.
I've previously waited 18mths and that relationship didn't end well. Currently engaged to a wonderful man, we introduced our respective children to each other after only 2-3 months. Every situation is different.

How you introduce them seems to be your question, and like another poster said, that will depend on their age and how long you are separated from their mother.

Paddy Cow

Shelli2 wrote: »

How you introduce them seems to be your question, and like another poster said, that will depend on their age and how long you are separated from their mother.

Their age is important. If they're young, you can introduce her as a "friend" and see how it goes. If they're teenagers, they're going to know she's more than a friend. You don't need to answer here but consider how long you have been separated from your wife. Has your wife introduced the kids to anyone? Have the kids adjusted to living in two households and most importantly, are they emotionally ready to see one of their parents move on? A lot of kids of separated parents harbour a secret hope that their parents will get back together and when someone new comes on the scene, it doesn't matter how nice that person is, they see them as a threat to their parents and resent them from the start.