Not sure what do anymore about Foster Sister

LegacyUser

I'm not sure where to even start here, but I do know it's about time I talked to someone or at least got it out there in the hope that I can find a way to deal with it and stop getting anxious about it.

So I've lived most of my life with this girl as a foster-sister lets call her E. Bad memories of living with her during my teenage years and early 20s always come back to annoy me. There was always fights and arguments and lots of yelling all the time including 2 other foster sisters we lived with. One of the other girls had to leave when she was 16 and moved to another foster home because of E.

Me and E both moved out of my parents home, I did when starting college, she was told to move out by the parents at 25. She is a person who doesn't care about anyone but herself, never listens to any advise, a compulsive liar and an abuser. My mother won't admit to it atm, but I know that she is stressed out every time she comes into her home, E just pops in when she wants and at the worst times too. My mother could be getting her 3 grandkids their breakfast some mornings, or helping my little brother with homework after school and E just comes in and complains about everything to my mother in front of the kids. She'll just come over when she wants, like if they're about to go to bed or something she could just walk in and not even knock. I'm just afraid that someday my mother or father are gonna have a stroke or something worse because of all this. They're both in their sixties now.

E had a baby about 3 years ago and had a hard time looking after him and eventually my mother found bruises and marks all over his body. She took the baby to a doctor straight away for x-rays and the baby had to be taken away from E and taken into care. E is now having court appearances every few months and denies everything and can't come up with a straight answer. Atm I think my parents have taken pity on her because of the child being taken off her and that's why I think they won't say anything to her now, they are being too nice.

Something really annoyed me last night when I was in my parents. E came in unannounced as usual and asked my mother could she wash clothes for her, it was a big black bin bag full of clothes, my mother just said yes like it was nothing. I had the dog with me so my little brother could see it, the pup was only 3 months old. The dog was trying to get attention from E and she was shouting at it like "I'm in a rush get out of my fking way dog" and just kicked it full on like a football out of the way. The Dog let out a massive yelp and my brother starting crying. I straight away told her to leave politely in front of my brother, but if he wasn't there I'm pretty sure I would of lost the plot with her.

Every time I see E now I'm just in a pit of anxiety, my mind just makes me think of all the horrible things she has done and said over the years. I get angry and want to say something all the time but, I feel like my energy levels and my ability to talk calmly just disappear when the right moment is there to say something.

If you've got this far sorry if this writing is a bit all over the shop. It wasn't easy to do and I just needed to get this out of my system, thanks.

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E sounds like a toxic adult and if your parents insist on allowing her unhindered access to the family home I would suggest you ask your parents to come to your home or meet you elsewhere so that you do not have to encounter her.

baby and crumble

How come E has access to your folks' house? I don't have keys to my dads house, or to my brothers houses or anything. That's the first thing I'd try and get on top of, tbh. It'd be an easy win.

Xterminator

Hi Op

E has access to your parents house. They are adults and that's their choice. you cannot and should not try to control this.

Tell them if she visits you leave. Then if she arrives, remove yourself from the situation. You do have control over that situation. You would be justified in doing so.

ted1

baby and crumble wrote: »

How come E has access to your folks' house? I don't have keys to my dads house, or to my brothers houses or anything. That's the first thing I'd try and get on top of, tbh. It'd be an easy win.

I’ve keys to my parents house as do all my siblings.

baby and crumble

ted1 wrote: »

I’ve keys to my parents house as do all my siblings.

Fair enough. I just find that strange. My family are particularly private though. My Dad would honestly go crazy if one of us visited without letting him know a day or 2 in advance.

L1011

I have the spare keys to my parents cars (admittedly as a minor security measure) let alone a full set of keys to the house - I would have thought it was the norm in Ireland?

Big Bag of Chips

Back on topic of offering advice to the OP, please.

.......

Look - everybody has a different family standard as regards keys to the family home but thats not helping the OP.

In this case a toxic individual has keys to the family home. Now unless the home owners in this case revoke that access, the OP has no other choice but to leave the house if E comes there while the OP is there or arrange to meet the parents elsewhere.

baby and crumble

Sorry all, I didn't think I'd end up dragging thing off topic.

I suppose OP, you either need to simply remove yourself from all scenarios where E is present, or suck it up as you are. But that doesn't really help the fact that your parents are voluntarily giving E access to their home, which does seem to be an issue for them, too. All you could do in that instance is possibly broach that issue with your parents somehow. Unfortunately all of that is up to your folks.

RE: the dog. I think you'd have been perfectly within your rights to go off on one, that's despicable behaviour.

Paddy Cow

suomynona wrote: »

My mother won't admit to it atm, but I know that she is stressed out every time she comes into her home

Unfortunately until your mother puts in strict boundaries with E, there is very little you can do. I know you must be stressed out seeing E treat your parents with disrespect but it's their house. Your parents are invested in her emotionally and probably think they can help her. It's misguided on their part because as long as they enable her, she will continue with her current behaviour. You're right, they are too nice and she is walking all over them.

Whatever she experienced in early childhood has turned her into a toxic adult. She's become a child and animal abuser. If she would kick a puppy over nothing in front of others, god knows what she did to the child when no one was around There is no "fixing" someone that damaged. Unless she is willing to admit that she has massive issues and agree to anger management and intensive counselling, she is not going to change.

All you can do it protect yourself and your puppy. Keep the lines of communication open with your parents. It must be so frustrating for you to see how badly she treats them and they just take it. Would your mother be willing to have a chat with her and lay down some boundaries, such as times it's ok to visit? I know your parents feel obligated to help her but they have other kids in the house who need to come first. Has she ever taken out her anger on your brother or the grandkids?

Hopefully there will come a time when they no longer tolerate her crap. That's when she could become dangerous and lash out at them. It's an awful situation for you to be stuck in. You can see how toxic it is and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not surprised you're anxious. Could you speak to your GP and see about accessing some counselling sessions to help you process all this?

Mr. Incognito

I would stay out of it.

Your parents are adults and its their home not yours.

MiliMe

I really don't see the issue with her turning up unannounced to your parents house, she sees it as her family home, as you do. If your parents are ok with it then its really nothing to do with you.
Saying that, she really doesn't sound like a good person and all you can do is keep distance between yourself and her. As another poster said, if she comes to your parents while your there, you take yourself away from that situation.

leanonme

Are you and all the children in the story foster children, or are you and 'your brother' biological children. I am just trying to see if you feel like she shouldn't be calling in because she is a foster sibling, like do you call over to your parents unannounced?