Impasse

LegacyUser

I'm not sure how to go about detailing my issue without revealing identifiable information but I am at such a loss I think I'm willing to risk it.

Background:
I'm in my early thirties with an eleven year old child. I'm a postgraduate, working, and have some friends. I'm not overly social but love being around people who are kind and interesting. People think I'm attractive, but I wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, I'm not my own anyway.
My parents were both alcoholics and I have older siblings, vastly older. I was left alone with my parents and suffered a lot as a child because of this, hospitalised for an eating disorder, etc. We had money, but there was no structure. I did my homework in pubs. It would not have been unusual for me to go to sleep in the car in the pub's car park, my father's jacket over me.
My mother always called me manipulative, actively disliked me growing up, preferred my siblings and vocalised this. I remember vividly how she would try to make me jealous and cry by showing attention to teddy bears and dolls, attention she never gave me. She would laugh. I've never received a hug from my mother, an 'I love you'.

I drank heavily during my teenage years. Slept with unsuitable men in early adulthood.
Having my child saved me. They hear countless 'I love yous' and I am incredibly proud of the human they are today, they are remarkable.
My parents have recovered and are there for my child too. My father in particular has come such a long way and I admire him so much. My mother has thawed, although that could be because I no longer visit the family home.
I have trust issues, I try to conquer them, and mostly I do, but I don't feel good enough, worthy of love, liked by people.

The issue:
A few years ago I left an awful relationship and immediately and unthinkingly found myself in another. It wasn't intended, I fell for him.
The previous relationship was as toxic as they come, we were mismatched and the abuse was terrible, I had an abortion, and it transpired he had been cheating with prostitutes throughout and so on.
He had a lot of money and loved the faux rock and roll lifestyle. I suppose I was swept off my feet before I knew what mess I was in. The same could be said to apply to my current relationship.
I always like him, I had a bit of a crush on him from afar. I heard whisperings of him being a ladies man, from several sources, but threw caution to the wind; he was in his late thirties/early forties when I met him, surely he was reformed?
In the beginning of us seeing one another I was being heavily stalked by my ex, this continued for several months, and the guards were involved. It eventually stopped but was so stressful, I couldn't escape him, he wanted to torture me. He said he had heard about my current partner, things he said would make me rethink, I told him to please leave me alone.

During this time my relationship with my current partner somehow grew and flourished. It seemed too good to be true, good things didn't happen to me when it came adult relationships.
However, he had a bit of an online presence, he said this was due to his work, he needed to 'get it out there,' people would follow him and befriend him - interestingly enough the vast majority were women, women from every corner of the world.
Anyway, whatever, I believed him. However, you would get the feeling he had a roving eye when out and about, this would not reveal itself often, only if he was out 'out' with me, having a drink. Grand, whatever, he's a man, bit disrespectful, but I've read articles saying they're programmed to do it, god love them - that's how I rationalised it. I believed he was a good and honest man.

Months passed. He asked me and my child to move in with him, my child had developed a great relationship with him having witnessed some not great things in the past - I always tried to shelter them, but some things I couldn't. My child loved the neighbourhood he lived in, had made friends, it seemed like a good move. I had never lived with a partner before, just my child. We left our home of 8 years to move in with him.

He asked me to marry him. We went to a gig and bumped into one of our favourite musicians on Georges St., he 'blessed' the engagement ring. Is it all too good to be true? No, finally life had come good.

One night a message came in on his phone, it was a reply to a message he sent a woman he used to know. This message at 11pm while we were watching some long forgotten box set sparked the beginning of the end of the fairy-tale.

He said it was only one woman. It was only sort of inappropriate, they would only talk about things, holidays we went on, work, pets. He deleted the thread of messages as that reply came in, so it couldn't be disproved. I chose to believe him, but it hurt, more so the secretiveness of their platonic friendship. I didn't even know who she was. We got over it, moved on. Planned our wedding.

He deleted his social media.

It was a month before we were due to marry and it began to trouble me again, a niggling doubt. I asked him out of the blue could he reactivate his Facebook account and show me the messages in Messenger. He reluctantly did. From what I could see before he grabbed the phone and deactivated the account permanently the man had been messaging everyone and anyone, any woman who was somewhat attractive, between the age range of 20 - 40.
He was doing it long before he met me, and continued to do it from the day we met. There was so many messages. Innocuous compliments, to trying to meet up for coffee. Complimenting photos, etc. He had blocked a lot of women I had previously inquired about, which speaks volumes too. He even tried to come on to the restaurant manager of where we went to view for our wedding.

We called off the wedding, the invites had already been sent out. I was heartbroken, I wanted to believe in him. I asked him in the past to just please speak to me if he ever felt these compulsions, to not lie, to not break the trust I found so hard to build up with him.
He just blatantly and unashamedly lied and lied.

Did he meet any of them? I don't know. He probably wanted to.

We have tried to stay together. There has been so many arguments and tears. None his, he never cries, but he gets angry. He got angry from the beginning of my finding out.
I wanted him to understand the pain he has caused, the damage, but I don't think he can, and I'm left to try and pick up my self-esteem.

He feels because I chose to stay with him that I should have gotten over it long ago, even though it has only happened in the last few months.

I feel sometimes that I am the one in the wrong because I cannot seem to park it, to trust him, he says he's telling the truth but I can't believe him. Although, weirdly, sometimes I can. If that makes sense?

I feel like he is two different people, a kind sweet man and this other side of him, this angry person who is just out for himself and his own carnal basic desires.

I think I must leave him, but I am so confused. I tried to forgive him and move past it, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can admire a man who can lie and betray someone for that amount of time and sacrifice everything. I wish he didn't do it.

He said he had no interest in any of them, that it was 'just a game,' but I have been failing to understanding how anyone can justify actions by saying it was 'just a game'.
There has been no depth to his explanation. Has this relationship been just a game too? I feel it has.

It is looking like it is not salvageable, too much damage done. It is looking like we will have to leave this place that has been our home.

How do I begin to pick up the pieces, again? I need to keep going for my child, and always will.

tea and coffee

I have no real advice but I just wanted to say I am in awe of you having picked yourself up after all that.

The reason he's angry is because he's been caught and it's a defence mechanism - if he gets mad, he might be able to deflect away from himself.
You've done nothing wrong in this situation and I'm sorry that he treated you this way.

hairyprincess

You have had so much going on!! What are you doing to look after yourself? I really think you could do with counselling. Your confidence and self esteem have taken an awful beating here, you need to build yourself back up and you need support to do that.

For me I would be moving on, there’s no way I could trust someone fully who has behaved the way this man has towards you. But that’s me. You may find you can get through it. Either way, please look into some counselling.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there.

I was in a similar situation to your partner.

I would recommend SLAA https://www.slaaireland.org/meetings.html

The are a fellowship based around the 12 steps for persons suffering from Sex and Love addiction.

I had to enter the programme, arrange a sponsor, psychotherapy and Couples Counselling.

It honestly saved my life.

It seems like there is a lot of good in the relationship and it might be salvagable if you and your partner seek appropriate help and supports.

Either way I hope it works out for you both.

Xterminator

Hi Op

to move on past the old relationship and build a new one will be hard.

Do you want to? Is it worth it? Does he want to try?

If the answer to all 3 is yes then you should offer to go to couples therapy and learn how to move past this & give it a try. Its not easy, he will have to learn to understand that you cant just forgive and forget, and you will have to learn that you cannot rake over the coals forever either. If the trust is not rebuilt the relationship is doomed.

If you don't want to try, then yes, minimise the damage and move out.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

You have to do what is right for you. It doesn't seem like you will ever be able to fully trust this man, it also doesn't seem like he deserves you.

Fair play to you for picking yourself up from all the hurt of your past. The one thing you should have learned about yourself is that you are resilient and you can move on.

It's very easy to post here and say "Oh leave him" but it's not helpful.

You're young and you seem smart. Try and figure out if you can imagine a day where you trust him if you can imagine a time when he puts your happiness ahead of these games (I'd have doubts there). The reality of it is, the stage you're discussing, engaged, planning a wedding. These are the times when you should be completely devoted to each other. What is it going to be like in 10 years when that novelty wears off.