Should I tell him (ex) about court?

unreg999

My ex husband is a very abusive and aggressive man towards me and my partner of almost 8 years.
We have a 15 yo daughter together and have been separated almost 15 years, divorced over 5.

He has always been slow to pay maintenance and even when we were together he always used money to try to control me.
He didn't pay anything for years and when he did pay it was always on and off.

I am on Disability Allowance and he has a great job, new car, new phone etc
I've just had spinal surgery and can't work at all.
He was ordered to pay 50e per week and set up a standing order when we divorced back in 2014 which he didn't pay anything for years as he was on the dole so 'couldn't pay anything', I often had to get help from the SVDP.

He then started working a well paid job (he told me) around 2 years ago and paying the 50e per week on and off, I had a word with him, mid last year, and said it wasn't enough as he was in a great job etc, he upped it to 70 for a few months but then on Christmas day said it was going back down to 50 again along with a few threats by text.

Every single week he 'forgets to pay' or 'doesn't make the bank on time' etc etc I have to send numerous messages reminding him and practically begging for it every single time and we really depend on it, it's always days or even weeks late and 50e per week isn't nearly enough.
He refuses to set up a standing order.

I've had enough so plan on taking him to court but now he refuses to give me his address as he's recently moved.
As I understand it I need an address from him to serve the court date.
He is demanding to know why I need his address, should I just tell him it's for court?

Mr. Incognito

Just let your solicitor handle it.

They can serve him personally at work if required. €200 a month seems very low.

She is 15 now so you are looking at education costs ratcheting up.

unreg999

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Just let your solicitor handle it.

They can serve him personally at work if required. €200 a month seems very low.

She is 15 now so you are looking at education costs ratcheting up.

Thanks but I can't afford a solicitor, I am going to do it myself it's an easy enough thing to do I'm told and can't afford to wait 3 years for legal aid...

I don't know where he works even.

He's bullied/manipulated and scared our daughter into showing him where we live and giving him all the details of my life yet keeps his own top secret...

Lollipops23

unreg999 wrote: »

I don't know where he works even.

Look him up on LinkedIn.

unreg999

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Look him up on LinkedIn.

As far as I know he works on building sites and construction... He always seems to be on the move anyway.

wiggle16

Whats the name of his company/company that he works for? If you call and ... give the impression.... that you have business for them you should be able to get a hold of him pretty easily that way. Just a suggestion.

Big Bag of Chips

Is the maintenance court ordered? If so and you are reporting a breach of that or applying for a variance then is it not up to the court to find him? They have ordered something, and if he doesn't comply it's up to them to enforce it. Otherwise what's the point of a court order?

Go to the court. Put in your application for a variance/report of breaching and tell them that he refuses to give you any contact details.

unreg999

wiggle16 wrote: »

Whats the name of his company/company that he works for? If you call and ... give the impression.... that you have business for them you should be able to get a hold of him pretty easily that way. Just a suggestion.

No idea...

Just to reiterate, I need to serve a court summons to him not get in contact.
I have 2 phone numbers for him and can text or ring any time all be it with a large chance of aggression and abuse

I've asked him for his address which he says he doesn't have as he's moved recently (yeah right) and is demanding to know why I need it.

My question is- is there any reason why I shouldn't just tell him outright it's for a maintenance court summons?
Like will knowing in advance give him a chance to do something to wiggle out of it or something?

unreg999

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is the maintenance court ordered? If so and you are reporting a breach of that or applying for a variance then is it not up to the court to find him? They have ordered something, and if he doesn't comply it's up to them to enforce it. Otherwise what's the point of a court order?

Go to the court. Put in your application for a variance/report of breaching and tell them that he refuses to give you any contact details.

No it wasn't court ordered it was an agreement we came to when doing the divorce proceedings- €50 a week by standing order.
He didn't turn up for the divorce his solicitor signed it.
He never intended to pay it.
He also insisted on weekend access every 2nd weekend which he also never intended to maintain.

KevinCavan

unreg999 wrote: »

Thanks but I can't afford a solicitor, I am going to do it myself it's an easy enough thing to do I'm told and can't afford to wait 3 years for legal aid...

I don't know where he works even.

He's bullied/manipulated and scared our daughter into showing him where we live and giving him all the details of my life yet keeps his own top secret...

You probably won’t have to pay the solicitor for a year or so and the money you get will easily cover the solicitor, especially if his income is high. At least go and talk to a solicitor.

wiggle16

unreg999 wrote: »

No idea...

Just to reiterate, I need to serve a court summons to him not get in contact.
I have 2 phone numbers for him and can text or ring any time all be it with a large chance of aggression and abuse

I've asked him for his address which he says he doesn't have as he's moved recently (yeah right) and is demanding to know why I need it.

My question is- is there any reason why I shouldn't just tell him outright it's for a maintenance court summons?
Like will knowing in advance give him a chance to do something to wiggle out of it or something?

Thats what i mean though. If hes a contractor and you call the company, the secretary might be thick enough to let you know where you are lilely to find him to discuss "a job", where you can serve him the summons instead.

I think letting him know in advance might well make him go completely off the radar alright. The cost of a solicitor just for a consultation about how best to go about things would be worth the money in the long run though if you can get it together.

wiggle16

KevinCavan wrote: »

You probably won’t have to pay the solicitor for a year or so and the money you get will easily cover the solicitor, especially if his income is high. At least go and talk to a solicitor.

OP I have to second this.

- You're going into this with little to no knowledge as to how to go about it (no offence).

- He's not going to part with this money easily and has given you the run around umpteen times.

- You can't even get a hold of him to serve a summons/notice.

- He won't give you his address so he's already suspicious.

He's not afraid of you. A solicitor turning up to serve him might make him take you seriously and shows him you mean business, plus with a solicitor involved there will be a solid paper trail of steps you've taken to get him to cough up. Arrange a consultation at least.

KERSPLAT!

I haven't read the whole thread but one thing is for sure, you don't need to wait 3 years for legal aid. Set up a meeting with a solicitor and engage with the below

https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/legal-aid-services/apply-for-legal-aid-online/

They'll issue a certificate for your solicitor which I believe they use to claim payment. I'm not sure if you would get free legal aid, they would evaluate your situation, but this is by far the preferred route rather than trying to handle it yourself

FishOnABike

unreg999 wrote: »

No it wasn't court ordered it was an agreement we came to when doing the divorce proceedings- €50 a week by standing order.
He didn't turn up for the divorce his solicitor signed it.
He never intended to pay it.
He also insisted on weekend access every 2nd weekend which he also never intended to maintain.

Talk to the solicitor who managed your divorce and find out if the agreement was made an order of court at the time. The options you may need to consider now would depend on whether your agreement was made an order of court or not.

unreg999

FishOnABike wrote: »

Talk to the solicitor who managed your divorce and find out if the agreement was made an order of court at the time. The options you may need to consider now would depend on whether your agreement was made an order of court or not.

It definitely wasn't

unreg999

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I haven't read the whole thread but one thing is for sure, you don't need to wait 3 years for legal aid. Set up a meeting with a solicitor and engage with the below

https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/legal-aid-services/apply-for-legal-aid-online/

They'll issue a certificate for your solicitor which I believe they use to claim payment. I'm not sure if you would get free legal aid, they would evaluate your situation, but this is by far the preferred route rather than trying to handle it yourself

Thank you I wasn't aware of this... I've just had spinal surgery and am on Disability Allowance so things are very tight right now.
This wasn't available when I started divorce proceedings like 10 years a ago!

tara73

I think you have to ask yourself are the 200€/month worth this hassle with this man.

you get your disabilty allowance and presumably child allowance, so there's some steady income.

normally I'm all for pursuing and fighting for your rights but in this case I can see no successfull outcome and you get nothing but trouble and hassle (and additional costs for a solicitor..)

KERSPLAT!

tara73 wrote: »

I think you have to ask yourself are the 200€/month worth this hassle with this man.

you get your disabilty allowance and presumably child allowance, so there's some steady income.

normally I'm all for pursuing and fighting for your rights but in this case I can see no successfull outcome and you get nothing but trouble and hassle (and additional costs for a solicitor..)

Let the solicitor do all the work, she would only need to show up in court and should avail of legal aid. Once maintenance is court ordered you can be sure it'll be paid or the father will be in for a world of hurt, at least that's my anecdotal experience.

Snotty

Agree with the previous, you chasing after him every week is exactly what he wants. You've been separated 15 years, you have an income and a partner, why do you need the hassle of this?
Your daughter could be 18 before you get payments via a court process.
Guarantee if you stop all contact with this man, your life will instantly get better.

unreg999

tara73 wrote: »

I think you have to ask yourself are the 200€/month worth this hassle with this man.

you get your disabilty allowance and presumably child allowance, so there's some steady income.

normally I'm all for pursuing and fighting for your rights but in this case I can see no successfull outcome and you get nothing but trouble and hassle (and additional costs for a solicitor..)

I take it you have never tried to live on social welfare with a child or children to call it 'steady income' by any means.
My rent alone is €100 per week

Why do you think he shouldn't have to help with supporting his child out of interest and why should he be allowed to demean me on a weekly basis for that?

unreg999

Snotty wrote: »

Agree with the previous, you chasing after him every week is exactly what he wants. You've been separated 15 years, you have an income and a partner, why do you need the hassle of this?
Your daughter could be 18 before you get payments via a court process.
Guarantee if you stop all contact with this man, your life will instantly get better.

I wouldn't call €120 a week before bills, food, fuel, medicines, diesel, insurance etc exactly 'an income' for an adult and a teenager but I guess I'm being greedy right?

Big Bag of Chips

unreg999 wrote: »

Why do you think he shouldn't have to help with supporting his child out of interest and why should he be allowed to demean me on a weekly basis for that?

What he should be doing and what he is doing are two completely different things. And because you think he should be doing something doesn't mean he ever will. You've had 15 years of him having control over you. It's unlikely to change.

You know what solicitor he used? So contact them. I do think though you need some element of legal advice/representation. You have no idea how to handle this, and he's making a fool of you because of that.

Either get legal help from somewhere, or accept that this is a fight you're unlikely to win.

unreg999

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What he should be doing and what he is doing are two completely different things. And because you think he should be doing something doesn't mean he ever will. You've had 15 years of him having control over you. It's unlikely to change.

You know what solicitor he used? So contact them. I do think though you need some element of legal advice/representation. You have no idea how to handle this, and he's making a fool of you because of that.

Either get legal help from somewhere, or accept that this is a fight you're unlikely to win.

Thanks.
I have no idea who his solicitor was, it was years ago

I don't think it's what I think he 'should' be doing in fairness, I believe the Irish law does say that a Father has the responsibility to adequately support his child/children.

I know a couple of people who have gone through this process or similar (not the same obviously) who have filed the papers themselves through the courts and left it up to the Judge to decide a fair outcome.

You're right through I'm not really sure what I'm doing and I think it might be a good idea to get some advice

KERSPLAT!

You definitely need legal advice. I don't mean that as an insult, it's the best way to get the issue sorted.

Big Bag of Chips

They were probably dealing with people significantly more cooperative than your ex, though. As in, they probably knew where they lived.

What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another, and what the law says is largely irrelevant if you haven't the capability of getting your ex into the courts.

Definitely go about getting legal advice. Find your nearest Free Legal Advice clinic. It's a good place to start anyway.

tara73

unreg999 wrote: »

I take it you have never tried to live on social welfare with a child or children to call it 'steady income' by any means.
My rent alone is €100 per week

Why do you think he shouldn't have to help with supporting his child out of interest and why should he be allowed to demean me on a weekly basis for that?

just better back off with assumptions and my comment was meant in a helpful way!

I can tell you on what I lived in Dublin, with or without a child doesn't matter.

On social welfare minus rent 600€ I had 200 € left/month, makes 50€ a week for everything, clothes, food, etc. I don't have to name it.

unreg999

tara73 wrote: »

just better back off with assumptions and my comment was meant in a helpful way!

I can tell you on what I lived in Dublin, with or without a child doesn't matter.

On social welfare minus rent 600€ I had 200 € left/month, makes 50€ a week for everything, clothes, food, etc. I don't have to name it.

I have less but you're right assumptions are never good whichever way they go and teenagers are really expensive.

I shouldn't have to do this on my own, I'm not asking for anything other than what is needed for our daughter.

I feel like some people are assuming I'm being greedy, there were years when her Christmas present came from the SVDP as did the heating in our house

woodchuck

OP, I appreciate that this a very emotive topic, but I don't think anybody assuming you're greedy. They're just raising the question as to whether or not the hassle will be worth it. (For what it's worth, imo even if you were in a well paying job, I'd still think he should be helping to financially support his daughter! It's disgraceful that he's gotten away with this for so long.)

As for whether or not you tell him what you need his address for, he'll probably be even less likely to give it to you once he knows what you're planning. And/or try to talk you out of this course of action with more empty promises.

The bottom line here though is that you really need legal advice.

Purple Mountain

Phone your local Citizens Advice Centre and ask them if and when they have their next Free Legal Advice clinic and take it from there.
Please do not do this without legal representation.

holliehobbie

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Phone your local Citizens Advice Centre and ask them if and when they have their next Free Legal Advice clinic and take it from there.
Please do not do this without legal representation.

Get on to woman's aid. I've spent over €40,000 trying to get shut of my abusive ex. And I've gotten further representing myself with some assistance from Women's Aid than I ever did with two solicitors (had to get a different one because ex starting suing my first solicitor) and a barrister. But trying to get maintenance even with Court Orders in place is a nightmare because the Irish Court system is a joke. In fact it's set up so that your abuser can continue to abuse you through it!

.......

unreg999 wrote: »

I feel like some people are assuming I'm being greedy...

When I read this thread I thought that if I was you I would do without this mans money simply because weekly hassle trying to get the money out of him just isnt worth it.

Nothing to do with you being greedy - quite the opposite in fact - just thinking of a way for you to have an easier life without this hassle. 15 years is a long long time for someone to be abusing you financially. And of course he should be contributing more and of course he shouldnt be allowed to get away with it - but and this is a very big but - you wont be doing either your mental or physical health any favours chasing someone like this and for ME I would consider being shot of this person worth the 50 euro per week.

If you do wish to pursue this though the courts you need legal advice. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

You say you have 120 euro per week for you and a teenager - are you sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to from social welfare? My understanding was that DA was 200 euro per week plus 30 euro or so per qualified child. Plus childrens allowance? There may be other benefits you are entitled to in your situation.

Also if the 50 euro per week that you are supposed to receive is being stopped out of what you are getting you could persue that angle? As an aside to this thread I would recommend you speak to Citizens Info about your entitlements and see if there is anything you are not claiming for that you should and see if you are getting the correct rate for what you are claiming.

Fakediamond

theres some good advice on the Citizens Information website. If I’m reading it correctly, the Court can order him to pay your legal costs if he is being unreasonable and forcing you to go the Court route. Also, you need to be keeping a record of all expenses relating to your child. As well as food, clothing, education etc, you should include a percentage for heating, rent and other bills related to providing a home for your child.

nikkibikki

Are you declaring the €50 a week he agreed to give you as income for disability allowance? I'd advise contacting Disability Allowance section and ask to be means tested again and tell them you don't receive maintenance often. They'll look for 6 months bank statements I'd say. I'm on it and get more than that.

Do you also have the household benefits package coz you should be entitled to that when you are on DA. You get fuel allowance, free t.v. licence etc.

vectorvictor

Second all the solicitor advice.

Simple message to him "I need your address for a summons as despite everything thats happened I want to avoid you the embarrassment of being served at work/in public"

Then send nothing more when the insults come in until he gets the fear and gives you the address. Stop being so communicative would be my advice - you are going to need to budget without the maintenance and if it appears then it's a bonus. Not right but that's the only way to protect yourself.

Your basic entitlement based on the info you've given is somewhere around €262 per week (DA and Benefit averaged over 52 weeks) - not pleasant with €100 rent but not impossible either - talk to MABS and CWO - that will all stand to you on the day of the hearing)