Teenage Boy in Low Spirits

BoardsMember

Hi all.

I have a son in 1st year senior school, 13 years old. He's struggling a little. He's a bit of a pleaser, a thinker, a bit sensitive. He's kind and thoughtful, bit of a dreamer. All those things really.

He got pretty stung in junior school in 5th/6th class, his group of friends dropped him, lots of them live locally so its quite undermining for him confidence wise. Like he might be on the road for whatever reason, and if he saw one of the "leaders" from his old group coming and they had not seen him, he would scurring inside to avoid the confrontation. Stuff happened that wasn't nice at all, but not really really awful either. He probably was always just hanging in there in the group for some time, never quite an equal, always a little victimised by the stronger personalities. He doesn't like conflict and wasn't quite able to stand up for himself. He'd also stand up for others when it might be easier to not get involved. He probably tried too hard to be popular with the cool kids. Speaking to him last night, maybe that is repeating itself now, or he suggested it might be - trying to appear cool to the cool kids rather than be more himself. But I think the whole experience in junior might be affecting his outlook on life and he's struggles on Sunday evenings, he gets quite low.

He mentioned last night that he might need another hobby. I think he's a little unfulfilled or bored or maybe slightly low or inclined to depression (with a very small "d"). He goes on his phone too much he says, between classes, in most spare moments etc. He has limited gaming time, only on weekends is he allowed play.

The main thing would appear to be not having a group of friends he can hang out with. He has 2 friends who live locally, but I think he doesn't really "value" them. One is still in 6th class, the other is a bit annoying. He has other friends from school, but he hasn't really got into meeting up at weekends with them. We live in a built up area of suburban Dublin, so meeting up is not a logistical issue. Maybe he just needs to try harder or make more of an effort to meet up. I think he might be scared of rejection considering what happened him in junior school. He might be trying to hard, or lacking confidence to try to forge friendships. It's like he just needs a break, to get some momentum, and everything will be fine.

Kids like him, he's not at all unpopular or quiet, he plays sports reasonably well and is good company and he's funny and sharp. It's like he just needs a break, to make friends with someone already in a group of lads, and them to accept him as an equal.

I'm wondering would some sort of low intensity counselling help him think more positively, or help him deal with the stuff from before so that when he gets low or starts thinking negatively that maybe he can stop it. Maybe CBT to help him identify when he's thinking negatively? He's really a great kid, and I just want to be sure we're doing all that we can for him, but don't want to blow things out of proportion either.

Loveinapril

Are there any youth groups locally? They could be a great opportunity for him to make new friends away from his old friends/ sports. If he has said that he may need a new hobby, explore that with him. It is great that he is identifying his own strategies to pull him out of his slump. If he wasn't doing this, counselling could be helpful, but let him use his own resources if he is recognising something needs to change.

ImARebel

have a look at a group called Jigsaw - they would be a good port of call they help kids aged 12 to 25

they also have a Jogsaw Online service where you can reach out and access their service.

Well worth a look - best of luck!

BoardsMember

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate them.

Loveinapril - yes, I was really pleased that he was thinking for himself about his own strategies. He's already committed to stop bringing his phone into school 4 days a week, and uninstalled an app last night which he used to dip into between classes etc. So all pretty positive. He also called out that maybe he is trying too hard with the cool kids in the new school, so good he's aware of it.

We had started him in scouts last year but he just didn't have the time. He used to do a youth group that he liked but I think it folded for some reason.

ImARebel - Jigsaw looks good, thanks. I'm not sure we're quite there yet though, i.e. maybe too soon, but great to know about.