Return of crushing depression. Self-sabotage

TimesArrow

i couldnt think of anything else for the thread title. ill try summarise where i am at

in the last few days, i have been told my contract at my current employer is not going to renewed come end of april. i knew it was probably coming and it wasnt a major shock. i allowed it to happen. ive been working with this company in canada for the last four years. i had been thinking on leaving at some point soon anyway but not the decision has been taken out of my hands and now for the first in 5 years since i left, the real prospect of moving back to ireland. i came out here with nothing and i may end up going back with nothing

i have very mixed feelings about back home. i have no idea what to expect job wise, will ieven get a decent job? trying to find somewhere to live in dublin? all these things are filling me with dread. i have barely any savings and have always been appalling with money. the thought of going home and starting over again is so overwhelming. but im not happy here either. and the truth is i cant remember the last time i was every happy about anything. i told this to my mother yesterday in a tearful phone conversation. im 37 now, single
(never had a proper relationship) and am still trying to put my life together. i have a history of self destructive behaviour and a long history of clinical depression. i have tried various therapy and counselling over the years but my patterns of thinking are fundamentally flawed.

this message isnt really coherent. i just feel like i am in a tailspin and life is passing me by. every day is a struggle and i carry a constant feeling of dread around with me. i have absolutely no self confidence or self esteem. when i was younger i just thought one day i would have life "sorted", but i dont. im a reasonably smart person but have always struggled re career, relationbships and just moving forward in life in general. i just dont know what to do anymore.

anyway, i guess i am just venting for now. thanks to anyone who read this all the way to the end

Xterminator

Hi Op

I read your post, and its not incoherent. You sound like an intelligent witty character with sensitive and self aware. At least thats how your come across.

You are in a bad place right now, and have had some bad news even if not unexpected. So your not supposed to be full of the joy of life. And change is scary!

The most important thing to do right now is to not be afraid to tell people your not okay. Reach out to your support network of friends and family if at all possible. your not a burden, but soldering n isnt alway the best approach.

And secondly try to look at this as an opportunity as much as a problem/challenge. You are a wiser more experienced person now with a better appreciation for living abroad, other cultures and i envy the fact you have been able to have those experiences. When you come back you bring al, that with you. You were thinking about making a change anyway and now life is prompting you to do so.

You are aware you have issues that can be worked on, that need work. And it sounds like your comparing your life to others, but believe me everyone has their issues and all the lovely happy people you see on social media have the worries and hangups too.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself.

TimesArrow

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

I read your post, and its not incoherent. You sound like an intelligent witty character with sensitive and self aware. At least thats how your come across.

You are in a bad place right now, and have had some bad news even if not unexpected. So your not supposed to be full of the joy of life. And change is scary!

The most important thing to do right now is to not be afraid to tell people your not okay. Reach out to your support network of friends and family if at all possible. your not a burden, but soldering n isnt alway the best approach.

And secondly try to look at this as an opportunity as much as a problem/challenge. You are a wiser more experienced person now with a better appreciation for living abroad, other cultures and i envy the fact you have been able to have those experiences. When you come back you bring al, that with you. You were thinking about making a change anyway and now life is prompting you to do so.

You are aware you have issues that can be worked on, that need work. And it sounds like your comparing your life to others, but believe me everyone has their issues and all the lovely happy people you see on social media have the worries and hangups too.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself.

Thank you for replying. ive had some time to think through all the things i mentioned in my first post. i have always been a very anxious, fidgety, apprehensive person and now those feelings are ramped up even more. im 37 and just feel like i am keeping my head above water. im quite well educated and reasonably intelligent, but since ive been a teenager, probably the last 20 years or so have felt like a constant uphill struggle. i am extremely conflicted about the idea of moving home. i dont know if its the right thing to do but then again, ive never been able to answer "what do you want?", "what would make you happy?". i honestly feel like i am barely managing my own life. i had a counselling session on saturday and i was so dispondant, the counsellor asked was i contemplating suicide (i am not. but ive had a lot of days feeling extreme hopelessness). honestly i just feel like i cant make a go of anything. i have tried cbt, anti depressants and counselling and find it hard for these tools to make any lasting difference. i am not a cheerful, happy person (despite friends saying im funny) and i really dislike this about myself. as you can see, i have serious low esteem and virtually no confidence in pretty much anything i do. i just dont know what to do to REALLY kick on with my life. part of me thinks, no matter what i do, or where i go, ill feel the way i do forever. i just want some inner peace and contentment. and maybe some happiness some day too

heretothere

I don't really know what to say to you. If you moved back to Ireland could you move in with your mam for a while? Might it help to be around family?

Noodles81

Hi TimesArrow,

Reading your post, what shines out is a brilliant person blighted by self doubt and low self esteem. And I think somewhere inside you know that but a cloud covers much of what you know to be true.

Have you tried Mindfulness or Transcendental meditation? I think they would really help you to let go of your anxiety about the future and live in the "now".

During meditation, when your mind is calm, the anwers often come that you are looking for.

Books I read that are helpful are:

The Unthethered soul
Full Catastrophe Living
The Four Agreements
Wherever you go, there you are.

I wish you well in your decisions. Our thoughts are not facts, just opinions and they can be wrong. Especially our thoughts about ourselves. We can be very hard on ourselves without realising it sometimes. As a previous poster said...be kind to yourself.

TimesArrow

Noodles81 wrote: »

Hi TimesArrow,

Reading your post, what shines out is a brilliant person blighted by self doubt and low self esteem. And I think somewhere inside you know that but a cloud covers much of what you know to be true.

Have you tried Mindfulness or Transcendental meditation? I think they would really help you to let go of your anxiety about the future and live in the "now".

During meditation, when your mind is calm, the anwers often come that you are looking for.

Books I read that are helpful are:

The Unthethered soul
Full Catastrophe Living
The Four Agreements
Wherever you go, there you are.

I wish you well in your decisions. Our thoughts are not facts, just opinions and they can be wrong. Especially our thoughts about ourselves. We can be very hard on ourselves without realising it sometimes. As a previous poster said...be kind to yourself.

Thanks for replying and suggesting those books, i will certainly check them out. i know a bit about mindfulness but dont practice is often and with purpose so that is something to look into. as is transcedental meditation. from watching some videos it seems really interesting and effective, but also cloaked in mystery as to what exactly it "is".. i know courses are expensive, but illl definitely research for me. for me, it's become abundently clear, that my overall mental health has to be a major priority. as i might have said before, ive tried some counselling, medication and cbt, but i guess i need to do more and make it a major component of my day to day life. i just want inner peace, contentment and hopefully happiness, and decent mental health is paramount to achieving those things.

i didnt want to start another thread but i honestly feel like i am falling to pieces these last few weeks. do i subconsciously want to be unhappy on some level? am i afraid of pursuing happiness? i have a serious tendency to engage in avoidance behaviour (ive never really dated much/ i dont drive) and i think at the root of it is that the effort it takes to learn something difficult, or open yourself up to someone and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is too much for me. and as a result, i avoid things to avoid the possible outcomes of rejection and failure rather than go through the difficulties. hope that makes sense. im just feeling a profound sense of being overwhelmed. i am totally conflicted about a move home to ireland and have written several pros and cons lists. id love the idea of making a go of it at home, but even with a decent job, in dublin probably, i just dont know if paying a fortune for a room (which i can barely afford) is worth it. but im the type of person that will often times only see the negatives in many things. my lack of resilience and self esteem is now effecting and dominating my every day life. my father blames my mother, saying i was "molly coddled" as a i child, and maybe i was a bit, and have always been uber sensitive. i hope things work out these next few months, but right now, this is one of the toughest times of my life.

Always Tired

Do you have family you can stay with back in Ireland? Without a good bit saved you won't get a place in Dublin so you're best bet is try to move somewhere you can save money and then look for work/relocate. Tell your family member how you are feeling so they are aware that they might need to give you some time to sort things out.

Im similar age and had to move home. I also lived overseas. It's no picnic but it's the only option if things go bad, and there's not any need to feel ashamed, rather feel grateful you have people to help you out.

If you don't have that option, you need to stop being 'appaling with money' right now and save money for this new start. A deposit and money to get you through until you either get a job or get the dole.

But if there is any way you could get another job in Canada and stay I'd consider that strongly as well rather than move back here.

Noodles81

TimesArrow wrote: »

Thanks for replying and suggesting those books, i will certainly check them out. i know a bit about mindfulness but dont practice is often and with purpose so that is something to look into. as is transcedental meditation. from watching some videos it seems really interesting and effective, but also cloaked in mystery as to what exactly it "is".. i know courses are expensive, but illl definitely research for me. for me, it's become abundently clear, that my overall mental health has to be a major priority. as i might have said before, ive tried some counselling, medication and cbt, but i guess i need to do more and make it a major component of my day to day life. i just want inner peace, contentment and hopefully happiness, and decent mental health is paramount to achieving those things.

i didnt want to start another thread but i honestly feel like i am falling to pieces these last few weeks. do i subconsciously want to be unhappy on some level? am i afraid of pursuing happiness? i have a serious tendency to engage in avoidance behaviour (ive never really dated much/ i dont drive) and i think at the root of it is that the effort it takes to learn something difficult, or open yourself up to someone and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is too much for me. and as a result, i avoid things to avoid the possible outcomes of rejection and failure rather than go through the difficulties. hope that makes sense. im just feeling a profound sense of being overwhelmed. i am totally conflicted about a move home to ireland and have written several pros and cons lists. id love the idea of making a go of it at home, but even with a decent job, in dublin probably, i just dont know if paying a fortune for a room (which i can barely afford) is worth it. but im the type of person that will often times only see the negatives in many things. my lack of resilience and self esteem is now effecting and dominating my every day life. my father blames my mother, saying i was "molly coddled" as a i child, and maybe i was a bit, and have always been uber sensitive. i hope things work out these next few months, but right now, this is one of the toughest times of my life.

Hi Times Arrow, of course what you say makes sense. You are at a crossroads in your life. Make a decision and then prepare for it by saving, connecting back with friends and family, looking up places you think you might like to live either here or in Canada and go for it!

Putting yourself first is a great start and only do what you're comfortable with doing. It's totally fine to avoid doing some things if you cannot deal with the outcome, you know your limits, are self aware and protective of your heart and that isn't a bad thing. If it's stopping you from reaching your goals of happiness and contentment then maybe chunk the big things up into small events/steps and just take one step at a time instead of imagining all possible outcomes.

I don't know much about Transcendental meditation, I'm going to a talk in a few weeks time, but I've heard it's great. I do mindfulness and meditations daily and they really help. I've a chronic illness that I've had to adjust my life to the past 5 years and mindfulness really helps me deal with things llike my career stalling, deferring and cancelling a masters I had half written, not bring able to have children, not being able to walk or do any exercise, no social life as I'm in constant pain, taking loads of serious medications that shorten my life span. But on the plus side I have a supportive loving husband and family, parents who are thankfully still with me and a dog who loves me. I'm very grateful for all my blessings. When I had my health I was a shockingly negative person, who couldn't understand why my life wasn't going as planned. And I look back and think I had a great career, a lovely figure, energy to burn but I was ungrateful and was lost inside. Then everything fell apart healthwise and I learned to be happy to breathe...just a breath in and a breath out. And I thank my illness for making me see that.

Don't wait until the future to be happy, count your blessings now, enjoy yourself now and find contentment within. It's nowhere else. It's not in Ireland or Canada. It's in you.

Best wishes, Noodles