Going abroad/ dating

LegacyUser

Hi there,
A quick thing. I have been chatting to someone and we are texting. We have arranged a date in the next week. However, I am going abroad to work in a few months. How soon do I say this to them? Or should I understand that they might not want to persue anything after this. I don't want to stop anything before it starts as I'm excited about the date.

Thanks.

skallywag

I think you are putting the cart before the horse.

Meet them first and see if ye really actually get on before worrying yourself with such things.

leggo

Depends what you yourself are looking for. Do you just want a bit of casual dating before you go? Is this a one-way ticket or temporary extended situation? Once you figure out what the purpose of this is from your side, I’d casually drop it into conversation (but don’t make a thing of it and don’t make it about you two) then he can decide for himself and, if the date goes forward, he’s made a decision. The only thing you have to watch out for from there is if you think he’s trying to ‘change your mind’.

Xterminator

Hi Op

life is for living. So what if in the future your plans may not be the same. that's true for most situations.

have fun, let them know fairly early on you have plans, but not on the early dates. when its a relatiosnhip or heading that way you can let them know, but no need to over dramatize either.

bucketybuck

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

life is for living. So what if in the future your plans may not be the same. that's true for most situations.

There is a big difference between "may not be the same" and "will not be the same".

Leaving the country to work abroad is not some small thing, it is a huge change that has a massive impact on a relationship. I don't think its fair to string somebody along, letting them get invested in you when all the while you know that in a few months you will be gone.

Ursus Horribilis

Until you meet this person, you won't know whether you've got chemistry or not. So from that perspective you might be putting the cart before the horse.

If this has the potential to go on beyond the first date, you need to be honest and tell them early on. If you or they are looking for something long term, that move abroad is a major stumbling block. It'd be very unfair in the other person to invest in a relationship that most likely has an expiry date on it.

And if you're looking for something more than casual dating, should you be trying to find dates here at all? You could be storing up heartache for yourself if you meet someone you really click with.

Xterminator

bucketybuck wrote: »

There is a big difference between "may not be the same" and "will not be the same".

Leaving the country to work abroad is not some small thing, it is a huge change that has a massive impact on a relationship. I don't think its fair to string somebody along, letting them get invested in you when all the while you know that in a few months you will be gone.

give them the choice once it has gotten past casual. don't decide for them. that was my advice.

do you think OP should go in quarantine for six months before they leave?

Is Op allowed to change their mind if they fall in love, is partner allowed to come along ... nothing is set in stone. just see where it goes.

bucketybuck

Xterminator wrote: »

do you think OP should go in quarantine for six months before they leave?

Being honest with people doesn't mean going into quarantine for 6 months.

Ursus Horribilis

Give them the choice once it has gotten past casual. don't decide for them. that was my advice.

That's a rotten thing to do. The other person deserves to know what the lie of the land is from early on.

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for your replies. I am not able to quote directly from the posts but from them I understand that 1. I will try not get way ahead of things, despite how well we appear to get along etc. Just trying to be preparing for the conversation when it comes up because it does have to come up. But too soon, I am afraid they will shut it down without giving it a chance which would be a pity. Too late and it's not fair on them either. I will try say it on the first date in a casual, non loaded way. Tbh I am open to everything and distance can never fully come between people who are right for each other. I will say to them, I just want you to know I am going abroad to work for a year. I'll be home for 2/3 weeks 2/3 times a year. I understand it might not be ideal.. It's not a big deal for me, I'm open to everything..' something along those lines.
Hopefully they won't close down. I suppose from one perspective I could easily.spend the next few months looking forward to working abroad and not thinking of dating but I'd rather be open minded to opportunities than not.
Thanks your replies have been so helpful.

leggo

I wouldn’t even start talking about being open to everything, home 2-3 times a year etc. That’s very loaded for a first date. Just tell them the facts about your life: this is happening and you’re looking forward to it. They can decide themselves from there. If you start going into stuff like ‘feeling right’ on a first date, that’s super intense, even if it’s meant in general rather than aimed at him.