time to seperate

LegacyUser

hi all,
I've searched through the threads for answers but needed to off load here i guess. we are married a long long time, three children 12, 16 and 17. for a long time our marriage has been in trouble and without going into too many identifying details i don't feel we should stay together. its not healthy for either of us. my partner thinks we should go to counselling but having suggested this myself on numerous times over the years and been refused I now don't feel i can make the effort to save something I really don't want to be in anymore.
But we cannot afford to keep two houses. Can two people live separately but under the same roof..would we end up hating one another? sometimes we do as is!
Coercive control is a problem too, although they say they don't do it at all..its only if i say something to start it all that they will say such hurtful things to me, its almost like they've hit me it hurts so much.
I don't want to look back in another few years and wonder why I stayed so long. we married very young so neither of us are too old.
I am sad and lonely most of the time and find i spend most of my time reading or lately i go out to a friends. I really cant stay like this anymore.

Maggiesm70

at least give the counselling a go, when theirs children involved it more complicated, i hope you can work things out

tara73

why do they want to start councelling now but refused your pleads to do it over all the years?

My guess they sense or know the game is up for you, you're done and now in desperation to keep the ball rolling they suggest it.

I think it's very very unhealthy and soul destroying to stay toghther in the house. Especially if they hurt you verbally delibaretely.
And it will damage your kids if they continue to grow up in such a hostile athmosphere. Two are almost grown up and will probably be out of the house soon, but there's the twelve year old to consider.

I know it's really really tough with the rental market, but I think better sooner than later one of you needs to move out, no matter what, otherwise it will damage all of you more and more.
Surely it can't be a second house, a studio or room to rent will do for one person.

lulu1

I would suggest you go or someone goes I really dont think you could live in the same house unless it was big enough to be renovated into 2 seperate appartment's
Either way you know that you had enough

LegacyUser

maggism70, I tried to get them to go so often. Now i have nothing to work for, i cant even say i love them. i don't tell them it anymore.its something I will only ever say if I really mean it.We haven't even had sex in months..and at that i regret it because they revert back to their usual ways. it should build closeness, i just feel empty. Its been at least 6 years since i first suggested we go.

Tara73, yes i could feel almost panic, continuously asking me 'was I done with the marriage then?'. i hate the thoughts of one of us ending up in a small bedsit after all. i would be happier if i went, id live there happier but the kids will want to stay with me..Im the one that has been at home with them for ever and have a better relationship with them.
This is so hard

lulu1, no the house isn't big enough nor is the garden big enough for a granny flat. Its so hard not to just stay as is. I wish it was this time next year and it was all behind me. I've wished my life away for so long. I know I need to go through with this, but I feel so bloody guilty.

tara73

I feel for you OP, virtual hug from here!!

You shouldn't be the one who's moving out if the kids want to stay with you. the other part should.

and I think you can't go through this alone. get some counselling for yourself or if you don't have the money go looking for some self help groups or even one to one help. I'm sure there's plenty out there for free or small contributions, others here might advice you better which ones are best in your case.

And if you have family and friends, involve them too to support you if possible.

LegacyUser

tara73 wrote: »

I feel for you OP, virtual hug from here!!

You shouldn't be the one who's moving out if the kids want to stay with you. the other part should.

and I think you can't go through this alone. get some counselling for yourself or if you don't have the money go looking for some self help groups or even one to one help. I'm sure there's plenty out there for free or small contributions, others here might advice you better which ones are best in your case.

And if you have family and friends, involve them too to support you if possible.

Thank you for the hug, I appreciate it.

I am starting counselling next week which will help i think. i am an only child and both parents are dead so family support isn't an option. Thankfully I do have two very dear friends who i have spoken to. I don't think they will leave, financially they feel we cannot afford to yet. I finish college this year so i can get a job in the hope that I can make up the short fall of rent somewhere. They say that they accept now that we are over and mediation is the only way forward. i want something legal though, saying that we are separated from now. Its such a mess. I cannot even concentrate on college work and my finals are hanging over me. I don't even have a my own bank account. Not so smart now is it :-( Its odd really, my children are so self sufficient and know what they want and how to go about their young lives already...how well we taught them and yet I allowed myself to become completely dependent without a penny...euro..to my name. This year will be different......

tara73

but there's one good thing, he accepted you want to end it. imagine he wouldn't and would make life even more hell to you.

lulu1

Why do you feel guilty op is it because of the children or husband . There is no doubt it will be hard but if there is nothing left to save there is no point living a lie

Dark Phoenix

My two cents - go to counselling unless the issues are beyond what counselling can help e.g. gambling or drug addiction or cheating. if its just a case of the loves run out or it's gotten stale or you don't appreciate each other why not just try it as a change of mindset could very well save your marriage and if it doesn't well at least you can say you gave it your best shot. I always think its sad when people give up on a long term relationship without trying to work through issues.

dartboardio

Jesus it makes me cry how 2 people can love eachother so dearly and eventually grow completely apart and almost despise one another.

I really really hope this is just another bump in the road and you both get through it and make things better

I dont have much advice as I'm young enough. But it still upsets me to think one day myself and my boyfriend could have this problem. We love eachother so much that it really hurts and we probably have come very very close to ending it a couple of times but its a case of physically not being able even if we wanted to.

Maybe that makes us strong.. Or idiots who knows.

I hope you both see it through or get the courage to end it smoothly.

Goodigal

I agree with Dark Phoenix's advice. Give it your last shot, and perhaps you will make it together. I didn't get that choice, and that will always upset me. I wish myself and my husband had given counselling a chance rather than he go off and find another woman, and then tell me it was all over. I didn't get the chance to fix things. There was nothing massively wrong in our marriage but communication was lacking. Separation is expensive for both partners, and disruptive to children. Give it a final chance. Wishing you the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you to all who have replied and offered thought provoking advice.
Yes, i am lucky that he will not fight me to stay, but unlucky that he didn't listen to me years ago. i cannot remember the times we were happy, he does and described times i had completely forgotten.
Finally, he has seen his part in this and shocked me with how much he knew about what he was doing, blaming, saying to me.
We spoke a lot about why and how we got here, i have played my part in this mess too.
i have agreed to go to counselling, i have doubts about this working and he is aware of them.
<SNIPPED> Cant afford to mess this up.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Hi OP

I'm afraid making recommendations for counsellors etc is not allowed in PI/RI and by the same token looking for recommendations isn't permitted either.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Mod note:

Hi OP

I'm afraid making recommendations for counsellors etc is not allowed in PI/RI and by the same token looking for recommendations isn't permitted either.

Apologies Wiggle16, I should have read the rules before asking.

We will find a good one and see how it goes, i am still unsure of whats best for me and us. If both of us were sure about giving it a chance I would be more positive but we are not and that makes me feel I'm the guilty one.