mother and alcohol

LegacyUser

I have reached breaking point with my relationship with my mum. I am continuously disappointed and frustrated with our relationship. She has had trauma in her life but I feel that having a relationship with her is starting to have negative impact on myself and now my children. I just can't accept it anymore and have really tried but she has broken my trust again and I feel it is gone for good now.

I have been understanding but she has again put alcohol first in a situation were she specifically promised me she would not drink. It was only for one night and she disregarded my wishes when she assured me she wouldn't . My parents had an extremely dysfunctional relationship to the point that the gaurds were called to our family home numerous times when we were small. They eventually got separated and this was a long , bitter drawn out divorce.

Myself and my siblings were continuously exposed to her drinking our whole lives. Seeing her drinking earlier and earlier was normal. Seeing her slumped asleep beside a lighting fire with a duvet over her became normal. Seeing her behave irrationally and erratic became normal. My house was not a nice environment to grow up in and unstable for obvious reasons.

Even into adulthood we have to pick up the pieces. I could never rely on her when needed. I could never depend on her support the way other people I know can. I actually don't confide in her as she makes situations more stressful. Seeing her hiding wine bottles during the day became normal. Seeing her hiding wine in coffee cups during the day became normal. My siblings and I don't socialise for any more than a couple of hours with her as she becomes drunk, starts slurring her words, repeating herself until she os at the point of being sent to bed or carried to bed as she is too drunk to walk.

I have to warn her that she can not come to any social or family occasion I have if she is drinking. I asked her a once off favour and she broke my trust and drank which was completely irresponsible and unacceptable. She becomes aggressive and speaks to her children in a way a mother shouldn't.....name calling, insulting , bombarding phones with texts with insult after insult. I feel constant disappointment and frustration with this relationship. She is an extremely selfish individual and is very manipulative. I feel extremely disappointed with her continuously. I have had to completely cut her out of my life numerous times and now feel her behaviour is starting to impact on my family and feel I need to cut ties again.

How do people mange these types of relationships with their parents? She is oblivious to the hurt, worry and detrimental affect she has on other people. She has severely damaged her relationship with children and nearly lost her current partner on numerous occasions over it. She will not acknowledge her drinking and I feel I can't continue with this.

dartboardio

Im sorry you're going through all this. I didnt wanna read and run but unfortunately there is no helping an addict. They must want it themselves to be successful in curbing their addiction.

I was going to recommend AA however there is no point if she doesn't acknowledge a problem.

Its hard but i guess all you can do is try to keep her at arms length and dont fall for her tricks and lies. Focus on making your life better than the one she gave you.. Your children etc

I had a friend who had a mother like this.. A drunk, she was your best friend one minute and abusing you the next. The house was not a nice one to visit cause you were always on the edge.

Her kids and husband ended up leaving her about 5 years ago and she died 2 years ago from hitting her head down in the pub and refusing to go to hospital. The last time i seen her was a few months before that we called over to the house and she had no electricity because she'd rather buy alcohol.

I feel extremely sorry for children from alcoholic parent(s).

I hope your mum finds the strength to get out of that life.

There are multiple AA meetings on every morning and evening in all cities and towns full of wonderful people that would've been raging alcoholics for years and are still off it and live to tell the tale

drop her like a stone

and i speak from a very similar experience

Xterminator

Hi OP

You should go to local AA meetings and learn about alcoholism. and strategies to deal with the fallout for loved ones. you mother isn't going to ever be able to have a normal relationship with drink. And she cant be a better alcoholic because you tell her to, she can only do it for herself!
She may have to reach rock bottom before she starts on her recovery, if there is one.

so knowing that you cannot fix her, you can learn to look after yourself and if that requires cutting ties, or at least distancing yourself then you are best placed to decide that. Dont be guilted into an unhealthy relationship, and don't enable her alcoholism.

Chancer3001

Ypu should stop expecting anything of her only what you know. She will drink and be drunk.

She is not going to change now. Thats on her. Not on you.

So dont invite her under conditions or expect her to be reliable or anything like that.

See her how she is and not how you wish she would be.

The relationship you have after that is up to you.

HelgaWard

You could try al anon ireland for support. It's an organisation which supports the families of alcoholics.

Your mother sounds extremely challenging, you need support with this. At the Al anon meetings you will meet people who have been through similar experiences.
Wishing you the best.

.......

Hi OP,
Well, terrible as she sounds, my father was worse - much worse!! So I have some idea what you are going through.

You should go to Alanon, get some support. You cant change her, you can only change yourself. Yes I know I know, YOU dont need to change, YOU arent the one causing chaos. YOU arent the one with the problem. Youre right! Youre not! However, you need to learn how to deal with an alcoholic in your life, without enabling her, without putting yourself under so much strain, stress and upset.

In addition to this - you have grown up in an alcoholic home, and you will have been affected, negatively. So you need therapy to resolve these issues within yourself.

For a start I recommend reading this:

http://storage.cloversites.com/recoveryatcokesbury/documents/A%20Merry%20Go%20Round%20For%20Femaile%20Alcoholic-%20final%20(1).pdf

Then go to Alanon - learn to break the cycle.

When I went to Alanon I was broken mentally and physically. My alcoholic had pretty much consumed my life - or so I thought. I learnt that I had allowed him to consume my life. I was in fact making the whole situation much worse with my own unrealistic expectations, and then throwing a wobbly when my standards were not met. My anger was fuelling huge arguments that lead to even more destructive drinking!!

You can learn how to react, how to cope and most importantly, how not to let someone elses drinking affect you. That might entail you detaching with love from your mother and not having her in your life, or it might entail limited contact on your terms or it might entail a change in HER behaviour that leads to a positive outcome for you both. But one thing is for sure - seeking help and support will only bring positive change into your life.

And dont worry, there are LOADS of people who understand what you are going through and are willing to help you. It WILL get better for you.

But you have to accept that you didnt cause it, you cannot cure it and you definitely cannot control it. Take what you will from this post, I will finish with a mental image for you to think about: Imagine yourself standing on a beach with a raging sea in front of you. The tide is coming in. The waves are crashing down and booming around you. Now try to hold back the tide. Go on - hold out your hands, hold it back. You simply cant. It is a force of nature. You cannot control it, it is beyond any power you have. Well so is someone elses alcoholism.

Be well, and best of luck for the future, better days are coming. This too shall pass.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

You should go to local AA meetings and learn about alcoholism. and strategies to deal with the fallout for loved ones. you mother isn't going to ever be able to have a normal relationship with drink. And she cant be a better alcoholic because you tell her to, she can only do it for herself!
She may have to reach rock bottom before she starts on her recovery, if there is one.

so knowing that you cannot fix her, you can learn to look after yourself and if that requires cutting ties, or at least distancing yourself then you are best placed to decide that. Dont be guilted into an unhealthy relationship, and don't enable her alcoholism.

this is very true. It is an all or nothing relationship with alcohol - there is no moderation like a normal person. She did stop completely for maybe two years but only after a breakdown of a relationship she was in at the time. But gradually she started having a glass here and there and all of a sudden we are back into a drunk on any social occasions and presumably on evenings when she is sitting in. Even the tone in her voice changes after two drinks.

I have cut ties on numerous occasions and she apologised over her behaviour up as recently as a few weeks ago for sending insult after insult by text message when she was drinking. These insults started over something petty, something that most people would brush off and not give too much thought to. Abusive texts were coming in on my phone until 2am on a Friday night. It is not normal for a mother to treat one of her children like that.

LegacyUser

Chancer3001 wrote: »

Ypu should stop expecting anything of her only what you know. She will drink and be drunk.

She is not going to change now. Thats on her. Not on you.

So dont invite her under conditions or expect her to be reliable or anything like that.

See her how she is and not how you wish she would be.

The relationship you have after that is up to you.

I just expect disappointment now. Any time that I think she is doing as a normal mother would something happens to take the good out of it. Nothing is ever straight forward with her.

Need to come to terms that she is not someone I can rely on for anything. I feel sad and even envious when I see the supportive and close relationship my friends have with their mums but I just need to come to terms that is something I never had, don't have and won't have in the future. At difficult times when I needed her she simply wasn't there, she didn't care and put her own needs first at all costs. At other times when she was there all she did was make the situations more stressful when all I needed was for someone to say ''Things will be ok''.

It is one thing when your drinking affects you but when you chose to be irresponsible and drink in a situation that affects other people that crosses the line with me. On this occasion it was extremely important that she did not drink and she did anyway knowing that under no circumstances she should have. This would be pretty normal to most people but not her.

She'll say it was only one or two drinks she had but I'm not stupid enough to believe that.
I can't trust her and she will not acknowledge the problems her drinking causes. She will ignore this situation for a few weeks and hope it goes away.

I have no option to completely cut ties with her. I feel I will have regrets in the future and I am aware she is not getting any younger but I can't see any other option as I have tried the distant relationship but it is extremely frustrating and continuously disappointing.

.......

Guestuser wrote: »

I feel I will have regrets in the future....

This is why you need something like Alanon - so that you can make the break supported, with acceptance.

Chancer3001

I think youre a little misguided on alcoholism OP.

shes not "choosing" to drink per se. Its not like she weighs up

Option a - be considerate and stay sober

Option b - fek it ill drink

And then chooses option b.

Its not like that at all at all.

Shes addicted. She cant reason over alcohol. Its impossible for her. Thats why shes an alcoholic. Alcohol clouds her judgement completely and will always "win".

So while its disappointing as hell, it's not a clear decision between a and b like it might be for yourself

jarvinholmes

Guestuser wrote: »

I have reached breaking point with my relationship with my mum. I am continuously disappointed and frustrated with our relationship. She has had trauma in her life but I feel that having a relationship with her is starting to have negative impact on myself and now my children. I just can't accept it anymore and have really tried but she has broken my trust again and I feel it is gone for good now.

I have been understanding but she has again put alcohol first in a situation were she specifically promised me she would not drink. It was only for one night and she disregarded my wishes when she assured me she wouldn't . My parents had an extremely dysfunctional relationship to the point that the gaurds were called to our family home numerous times when we were small. They eventually got separated and this was a long , bitter drawn out divorce.

Myself and my siblings were continuously exposed to her drinking our whole lives. Seeing her drinking earlier and earlier was normal. Seeing her slumped asleep beside a lighting fire with a duvet over her became normal. Seeing her behave irrationally and erratic became normal. My house was not a nice environment to grow up in and unstable for obvious reasons.

Even into adulthood we have to pick up the pieces. I could never rely on her when needed. I could never depend on her support the way other people I know can. I actually don't confide in her as she makes situations more stressful. Seeing her hiding wine bottles during the day became normal. Seeing her hiding wine in coffee cups during the day became normal. My siblings and I don't socialise for any more than a couple of hours with her as she becomes drunk, starts slurring her words, repeating herself until she os at the point of being sent to bed or carried to bed as she is too drunk to walk.

I have to warn her that she can not come to any social or family occasion I have if she is drinking. I asked her a once off favour and she broke my trust and drank which was completely irresponsible and unacceptable. She becomes aggressive and speaks to her children in a way a mother shouldn't.....name calling, insulting , bombarding phones with texts with insult after insult. I feel constant disappointment and frustration with this relationship. She is an extremely selfish individual and is very manipulative. I feel extremely disappointed with her continuously. I have had to completely cut her out of my life numerous times and now feel her behaviour is starting to impact on my family and feel I need to cut ties again.

How do people mange these types of relationships with their parents? She is oblivious to the hurt, worry and detrimental affect she has on other people. She has severely damaged her relationship with children and nearly lost her current partner on numerous occasions over it. She will not acknowledge her drinking and I feel I can't continue with this.

FEELS SAD that you are going through all those situations but dont worry it depends on you how yoiu efectively handle it , some were you are also lagging behind sorry to say this but it yoiur duty to keep her happy if she is facin g issues with your father give her proper tinme and she will be resawl;ly finbe you cant end up the relation just that after al she is your mom lwt whatever be the situation.

.......

I used to try and view my fathers alcoholism like an illness with symptoms.

If my father had brain cancer and became this awful person screaming abuse and causing chaos I would be able to separate this as effects of the disease versus the person inside.

I tried to do the same with his alcoholism. Sometimes I was successful, other times I wasnt.

He has been dead a long time now, never recovered from it, died a full blown alcoholic, killed my mother in the same accident that killed him, which he caused from being drunk. But I know he didnt want to be the way he was. I found letters after his death, diary entries. He really didnt want to be the way he was.

Reality was just too painful for him and he drank to relieve that pain.

Even now, many years later I am sometimes still angry, but the things I am angry about now are different. I used to be angry with him, now I just get angry that he suffered so much.