Unhappy in my long-term relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

Looking for some help/opinions.

I've been in a relationship for about 10 years, we've lived together for about 8 of them. Everything was great for the first few years, I was very happy and liked spending time with my partner, always felt very comfortable with them.

About 5 years in, I discovered they had an eating disorder and would regularly make themselves get sick. I was shocked I never knew, felt a bit stupid/naive tbh. I felt really terrible for my partner and tried to talk to them about it and get them to see someone, but they didn't go to see anyone.
Initially I felt bad, but then I also felt a bit angry that they never told me, and I don't know if they ever would have, as I guess they wanted to just handle/control it themself and was scared of others knowing.
They would also regularly go to the toilet and would have diarrhea, this somewhat annoyed me from a practical point of view, if we were out they would always be running off to the toilet where we were or we would have to take detours to find somewhere for them.
They told me they had IBS. I tried suggesting to them a few times that they should go to a doctor to get it checked out which they never did.
It turned out that as well as making themself get sick, they had also been abusing laxatives. I found this out only recently, about 9 years into the relationship. I was suspicious and looked in their bag one day and saw them. I asked them if they had been taking laxatives, they said they had and had been doing it forever as well.
On the one hand I was really angry that again they never told me about this and I had to discover it myself but on the other hand they didn't lie to me when confronted which was a good thing I guess.
There's also some silly things which make me angry other than the main food issues, like if I ate one of the food items they allow themself to eat they would go mad, yet they will take and waste food I've bought for myself, even continuing to do it after saying they won't do it anymore.

Stepping back a bit, about a year after moving in together they told me that they were deeply unhappy in the work they were doing, didn't want to do it for the rest of their life and wanted to go back to college to study something else they had a big interest in. We never detailed out a plan of for how long it would be, what we would do financially, what would be fair for me or anything. I was just happy to pay more of the bills and help them as my thinking was that this will make them happier long-term and therefore it would be good for our relationship, and also just that I 'should' do it. And to be fair, they were taking on full-time work when the college year was over each year and was doing some weekend work which was loosely related to the study they were doing.
However, after the initial degree, they then went on to do a post graduate. I wasn't super happy about this but didn't strongly voice my concerns and let it slide. They wanted to do post graduate as they felt undergraduate wasn't enough to get them in the door of job interviews. The post-graduate obviously involved a lot more work, there was also low-paid work as part of it and with turn-over of staff they were asked to do more of this paid work every so often which took away from the college work and it's now been over 7 years since they first went back to college and it seems to keep dragging.
While they have contributed towards bills, and more so recently, there had been times when it has gone months where only I have contributed. Over the last few years I've paid at least 10K more towards rent/bills, excluding more towards holidays and the car etc. They've also at least 5K in debt from a college loan. While I do make a good wage, I feel a bit taken advantage of financially at this point, not really respected. I think I also don't respect their college work as much now and just 'want them to get a bloody job'.
Even just the savings disparity I find very disconcerting, I have a lot of savings and they are in debt and likely won't have savings for years to come.

Sex has become an issue for me as well, especially in the last couple of years. They reject my advances and proposals most of the time. At one time when I brought up the subject of sex they mentioned they would be fine going months without sex. Another couple of times in the past they also said they feel like all I want them for is sex. It's also always me who initiates, they never really do. This is probably a result of their self-esteem and body-image issues which is understandable but I've been rejected so much at this point that I now don't really have an interest in initiating as I'll just get rejected and I find myself fancying every other girl I see and thinking about them sexually.
They have also mentioned previously that they are who they are. Which thinking about it now I guess basically says they won't really change and I shouldn't try to or expect them to change.

I've been really unhappy, particularly the last 6 months or so. I've thought about what it would be like ending the relationship regularly. Constantly feeling angry inside that they are not contributing equally, financially and otherwise to the relationship. Angry when I see them chewing and spitting food, angry when I hear them in the bathroom. I'm also finding that I don't like spending time with them like I used to. They're quite judgemental of other people, especially anyone that is a bit boisterous or having a laugh as they are a bit reserved and not very chilled or have a thick skin, I can find them a bit irritable sometimes. They're partly irritable as they get little sleep, stay up until 3am even if they have to be up early. We almost never go to bed together.
When I first started feeling this unhappy, some of my thoughts were particularly bad. I was imaging ways that I could have an easy way out, like if I discovered they were cheating on me or something. I almost wanted them to lie to me about the laxatives so I had an excuse. I was also going out of my way to spend time outside of our home to not be around them. I'm hesitant to hold them hand or kiss them as I feel guilty, guilty that if I do those things I'm lying to them. That those actions are not true to my feelings.

I feel so bad, I want them to not feel so bad all the time, not to have these crippling self-esteem, body-image and eating disorder issues. I want them to all go away both for them and for me. But it's been so long. I feel like I would be happier without them, or that I could be happier with almost anyone else, who was 'more normal', didn't have mental health issues that they don't really deal with and had some friends. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person.

I also feel guilty for being a coward. Maybe I should have been better at communicating my grievances years ago, instead of letting everything slide in order to not upset them or have to deal with a difficult situation.
Then there's moments when they appear happy and even mess and joke, and in those moments my bad feelings disappear, I smile with happiness at them. But it doesn't last long and something inevitably happens which triggers my unhappiness again.

LegacyUser

You can't fix other people, and sometimes you have to walk away from someone if they're not good for you. Life's too short.to stay unhappy

LegacyUser

Leave. They will never change and just drag you further down. Your partner is responsible for themselves and their actions. Not you. Your situation will not improve. Leave now before kids, houses etc.

LegacyUser

I will perhaps tell you something you don't want to hear, but.. it sounds like you are going through a 'hump' in your relationship. And hopefully you'll both come out on the other side, still loving and respecting each other.
She does not sound anything out of the ordinary. There are millions of women with similar problems, or similar level of issues. There isn't anyone who you can live with for n number of years and still find them sexy, great and all in all pure perfect. In my humble opinion, you need to deal with the arising issues (and your attitude to them). Therapy, councelling, sport, time alone, whatever floats your boat. Sounds like you are just tired of her company , which you must agree is not a reason to break up a committed relationship.
I am not successful in my career either, though highly academic and successful in virtually every other aspect of life. There are fields where is it very, very competitive and a lot of jobs require you to be either post-doc qualified (joke) or years and years of experience. Point is, you can hardly hold that against her.
But other aspect of the relationship must be fixed- and sex is one of the necessary aspect I think you should focus all your efforts in fixing.

ginandtonicsky

God OP you sound heartbroken. Sorry for what this relationship has done to you. It's not easy living with and supporting someone with such chronic mental health problems and particular when that person is not willing to get better. Your girlfriend sounds very, very troubled.

What's keeping you in this relationship? Guilt over what the breakup would do to her? Loyalty? The fact of so much time spent together? None of those are reason enough.

Don't feel selfish for thinking about yourself and thinking about walking away. I'll be honest, for the sake of your own mental health I think it's essential that you find the strength and courage to end this and move on. The constant wearing down of living with someone with a bad eating disorder, the lack of support from her, the lack of certainty about your future, the lack of affection and intimacy, the non-existant sex life. None of these add up to a happy life for you and I don't see any evidence of a willingness to fix these things from her side. As long as she is not dealing with her mental health, this is what your future looks like.

Have you been able to discuss this with any family members or friends? I think support by way of a confidant in real-life is pretty important for you right now.

happyoutscan

You only have ONE life. Don't waste it.

Squall Leonhart

Sounds like you're so unhappy that you really should call time, because it seems you've been unhappy for the majority of this relationship.

One thing I would have a quibble with.. Your emphasis on financial contribution. Things aren't split 50/50 in my own relationship, and while if possible that would be nice, circumstance means it is not. I pay for most things, but my wife contributes in other ways.

Unless it's obvious blatant abuse, try get away from the who pays for what in a relationship as long term as yours. Money will make you bitter if you keep viewing it as "MY savings, MY expenditure...".

unhappyinrelationship

unhappyinrelationship wrote: »

Then there's moments when they appear happy and even mess and joke, and in those moments my bad feelings disappear, I smile with happiness at them. But it doesn't last long and something inevitably happens which triggers my unhappiness again.

Something that reoccurs over and over again on this forum is that people have a strong sense of martyrdom in these relationships, imo. You can't save her/fix her and you need to leave for your own sake. This is your life. This is how the rest of your life will play out. You know who your partner is, there's no reason to hope she will change.

Everyone struggles at times in life, but life shouldn't be a continual struggle, and a relationship shouldn't be a continual struggle either.

LegacyUser

It's all very noble of you to stand by your OH& all that, but seriously, read over your post, OP.
Is this relationship sparking joy? Putting a smile on your face? Do you feel loved? Appreciated? Wanted? Are there sacrifices being made for your happiness in the same way that you make sacrifices for theirs? Most importantly, is this really the life you want to continue leading?
I feel bad for you, but you need to take some ownership (50%!) of this situation also.
You decided to stay in this relationship for 9 years,& every day you're deciding every day to continue staying in it.
Is it out of a warped sense of loyalty? Martyrdom? Fear of being single? Some sort of codependancy? Lack of confidence?
I would say to chat to a counsellor or life coach ,& work on building the best YOU. Everything else will fall into place then.

LegacyUser

OP
I'm sorry things worked out like that for you. It's no way to continue a relationship.
From what i can determine, you have 2 options...although it's never that simple......is it?

You really need to sit down with yourself and work out the pros and cons of staying in this relationship

1. Walk away. Plain, simple, straightforward. Get up and go.
This is a tough step, but you have to ask yourself what you want from this relationship, if you're getting what you want, and if not, will you be happier walking away.
This is never going to be an easy option.

2. Get some couples counselling.
If you want to stay in this relationship, you've got to ask your partner whether they feel the same way. maybe your partner wants out too???
Either way, you need to have the conversation.
There's no right time or wrong time to have the conversation - I think you're past that stage.

Personally, I'd just lay out the facts and ask the questions. Go for it. At this stage, what have you got to lose?
What have you got to lose, and what have you got to gain?
What do you want to lose, and what do you want to gain?


Do you want to stay?
Does your partner want to stay?
Do you BOTH want to fix your relationship?

The answer to those THREE questions needs to be YES....otherwise you're wasting your time.

You can't have a balanced and committed relationship if only one party is willing to work at it and put in the hours.

If you're both vested, then go to counselling.
If you want to fix things, this is a deal-breaker.
Your relationship with your partner isn't going to fix itself....you need help.

Sex issues CAN be fixed
Eating orders CAN be fixed.
Relationships CAN be fixed.

It's all a matter of perspective, and possibly your partner has just let their perspective slip.

OP, you've got some tough times ahead.
Maybe the easy thing is to walk away, but I don't think you want that....otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.
No matter what you do, GOOD LUCK.

AndrewJRenko

You don't mention age or gender, so I'm not sure if kids are on your agenda - but it would seem like a fairly unhealthy relationship to be bringing kids into. If you are thinking that direction, you'd need to be fairly confident that you could get things sorted out.

Otherwise, the tough decision of cutting your losses and moving on looks like a better option.

Yellow pack crisps

Squall Leonhart wrote: »

Sounds like you're so unhappy that you really should call time, because it seems you've been unhappy for the majority of this relationship.

One thing I would have a quibble with.. Your emphasis on financial contribution. Things aren't split 50/50 in my own relationship, and while if possible that would be nice, circumstance means it is not. I pay for most things, but my wife contributes in other ways.

Unless it's obvious blatant abuse, try get away from the who pays for what in a relationship as long term as yours. Money will make you bitter if you keep viewing it as "MY savings, MY

In fairness if you’re not having sex in a relationship it’s called a friendship. You wouldn’t pay consistently for a friend to attend college. The OP is rightfully questioning his will to spend money on this relationship that seems doomed. If a partner indicates that sex isn’t that important then listen to them, believe them.

pwurple

Long term students are a pain in the backside a lot of the time, because it can keep them in that perpetual childhood state of being looked after. With an end in sight it’s doable, but 7 years later and still not done? Would want to be some qualification with a very decent salary to justify that for me...

You sound more like this girls substitute parent than an equal. That must be exhausting.

I would have that “Come to Jesus” meeting with her. A polite discussion of where this is going... looking for a plan what you want to fix, between you. For example, what is the plan for a Job, how will intimacy between you recover, and/or a commitment to engage in treatment for the eating disorder. Make sure she knows it is serious, that the end of the relationship is on the cards. If that goes well, make a note to check if it sticks a few weeks later, if you see the improvements.

If it doesn’t go well, you’re either brushed off, or accused of maltreatment for wanting a discussion, then follow through and end it.

Sardonicat

OP, the elephant in the room is your partner's eating disorder. It's very serious indeed if you can't go anywhere because she needs the toilet due to diahorrea. You now know this isn't IBS. You've found the laxatives and she admitted to you she has been abusing them all along. She's purging and abusing laxatives and it is the sole focus of her life. Not you and not her education. I'd wager that staying in education makes it easier for her to focus on her eating disorder as a job would not allow her to binge/purge with the same freedom that being a student does.

She has a serious eating disorder. This is a very serious mental illness and has catastrophic consequences for her physical health. From the sounds of things she has already done herself some serious damage. It's controlling both of your lives. Eating disorders very seldom begin and end with poor body image. There is much, much more going on underneath which is being managed by the obsession with food/body.

If you still love this woman and want to salvage the relationship you have to make the ultimatum: get help for the ED or I'll walk. If she agrees, you'll have to get educated and supported so you can aide her in recovery.

If you've simply had enough (and it sounds like you have) or she still refuses to get help, then you need to walk away, because she's going on a downward trajectory and will only take you with her.

AndrewJRenko

pwurple wrote: »

You sound more like this girls substitute parent than an equal.

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's very serious indeed if you can't go anywhere because she needs the toilet due to diahorrea.

Just FYI, the OP never stated that the partner was female.

ginandtonicsky

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP, the elephant in the room is your partner's eating disorder. It's very serious indeed if you can't go anywhere because she needs the toilet due to diahorrea. You now know this isn't IBS. You've found the laxatives and she admitted to you she has been abusing them all along. She's purging and abusing laxatives and it is the sole focus of her life. Not you and not her education. I'd wager that staying in education makes it easier for her to focus on her eating disorder as a job would not allow her to binge/purge with the same freedom that being a student does.

She has a serious eating disorder. This is a very serious mental illness and has catastrophic consequences for her physical health. From the sounds of things she has already done herself some serious damage. It's controlling both of your lives. Eating disorders very seldom begin and end with poor body image. There is much, much more going on underneath which is being managed by the obsession with food/body.

If you still love this woman and want to salvage the relationship you have to make the ultimatum: get help for the ED or I'll walk. If she agrees, you'll have to get educated and supported so you can aide her in recovery.

If you've simply had enough (and it sounds like you have) or she still refuses to get help, then you need to walk away, because she's going on a downward trajectory and will only take you with her.

Nail on the head. Read this and read again OP. Eating disorders are devastating, life-changing mental illnesses that require serious medical and psychiatric intervention. I say that as someone who personally went through it all in my early 20s. They're the mental illness with the highest mortality rate.

And an eating disorder is an addiction. Your partner is addicted to food and the binge/purge cycle. She has no room in her life for another relationship - with you - while she's this far submerged and not willing to help herself. It's like alcoholism or drug addiction, the addict will lie, manipulate, neglect relationships and behave selfishly in order to keep the cycle alive.

And the physical repercussions are huge. I binged/starved for a year and nearly gave myself osteoporosis, didn't have a period for nine months, experienced hair loss, acid reflux and anemia. Do you want to have children? There's a high chance your OH will not be able to conceive, and if she does, you'll be facing pregnancy complications because her body is not a safe place to grow a child. She may have a weakened heart due to this long-term behaviour. Low sex drive is another big symptom.

She needs help as a matter of urgency and if she refuses, I really think the only thing you can do is walk away and tell her family everything.

Sardonicat

Indeed OP, I meant to add that if your decision is to leave you need to let her family know about the ED.

Edit: I think you should tell them whatever your decision. Your partner is very ill and you shouldn't be carrying that alone.

Aseth

OP, I read your post and couldn't find a single mention about a thing that makes you happy about the other person or this relationship.
Mental health issues are a serious thing. I wouldn't recommend simply leaving your OH but they don't seem to want to do any work(like therapy) to improve the situation. You are clearly miserable and straw short of hating your partner(at least this is how it sounds to me).
In your case I would either leave or talk to your OH and explain how you feel plus insist they get professional help.

LegacyUser

On the basis of what you’ve written I wouldn’t think the sex issue is a result of the eating disorder but possibly the reverse may be the case and the ED a result of potential abuse. EDs are about control not food or weight. This is someone you love that has potentially had a very difficult past. Time for a serious conversation but you mightn’t get your answers.

Bigbagofcans

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Just FYI, the OP never stated that the partner was female.

"..but I've been rejected so much at this point that I now don't really have an interest in initiating as I'll just get rejected and I find myself fancying every other girl I see and thinking about them sexually.

:rolleyes:

OP, your partner seriously needs counselling and help for her eating disorder. You need to have a proper chat with her and try to get her to get help.

AndrewJRenko

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Just FYI, the OP never stated that the partner was female.

"..but I've been rejected so much at this point that I now don't really have an interest in initiating as I'll just get rejected and I find myself fancying every other girl I see and thinking about them sexually.

:rolleyes:

You can roll eyes all you want, but that statement refers to who the OP is looking at, not the OP's partner. The OP only used they/them pronouns for their partner.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Lets not drag things off topic by trying to speculate about the gender of the OPs partner.

Emme

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Just FYI, the OP never stated that the partner was female.

The OP stated that they were looking at other girls.

OP your partner has a long-standing eating disorder. She needs medical help for this. You can choose to stay with her or leave but before you make a decision on that make sure she gets help. Start by talking to your GP.

seamus

One thing sticks out here, and that is your lack of flattering things to say about her. If there was a relationship there and real love, you'd still recognise the good things in her. But instead we have a post which paints her entirely negatively. Whether that's true or not is kind of irrelevant; this is your perspective. You see her as a leech; financially, physically and emotionally - taking everything and providing nothing in return, dragging you down.

You lament the loss of what was once a good relationship, but you are aware that whatever you had before, is actually gone for good. People in troubled relationships still tend to get flashes of how good it can be, and that's what keeps them hopeful.

You don't seem to have that. You're sticking around because you're a good person and you you know that she was at least at some point also a good person, and you don't want to abandon her.

Unfortunately her happiness is not in your control. Only your own is. I agree with Sardonicat that at the root of your partner's troubles is the ED, but I wouldn't suggest an ultimatum. It doesn't sound like you're mentally strong enough to support her through a recovery, or to handle it if it turned out that she has relapsed.

It sounds to me that you need - as harsh as it may be - to pack your bags and just go. No pleading, no negotiations, no discussion. Tell her that you can't take it anymore - I'd be inclined to actually write a letter that she can read and think about rather than misspoken words in the heat of the moment - and go.

Ursus Horribilis

I think there are two things going on here. One is your partner's eating disorder which is probably at the root of a lot of the problems in this relationship. As you've already been advised, she needs help with this. Getting her to accept this is a different matter though - she can only do this if she wants to get better.

The other is that I think the pair of you are now too different for this relationship to last the distance. You got together in college (I'm assuming) but now seem to be in very different places. You're working and have "adulted". She's still living like a student. Your relationship also seems to have reverted to a parent/child type of dynamic where you're the sensible one saving the money and she's the teenager. Add to that all those things that now annoy you about her. Maybe you and her aren't a good fit any more.

Neyite

You want to leave but you feel that you'll be perceived as the bad guy by breaking up. So what's the alternative? To stay there unhappy? That's not an option really, is it?


Pull the band aid off. You aren't happy and you deserve to be.



The nicest way to break up with someone is to be direct, tell them that you want out, don't make promises that will keep you on the hook - like trying to be friends, or keeping some of the bills in your name - as that only prolongs the agony for both of you. Mute or block them on social media and if they call you up drunk or upset and are sounding like they might be doing something harmful, you are NOT the person to help - you call their friend /sister whoever to step in and look after her.



When she's moved on you can be friends if you like but in order to not hurt her more or give her false hopes post break up it's best that you get out of her life as much as possible.

Big Bag of Chips

The OP says they look at other girls and think of them sexually, so it is safe to assume the partner is female.

OP, you talk about needing an excuse to end it. You don't need an excuse. You're not happy. That's reason enough for most people.

Your gf has an eating disorder. It's a psychiatric condition, and not one she will ever conquer without prolonged external professional help. Of course she hid it from you. It's not something people tend to be upfront about. They know it's wrong, or at least they know that other people will tell them it's wrong, and that's why they hide it.

She shares just enough with you to maybe get you off her back, and maybe for you to 'understand' her difficulty and not push her or upset her. I'm afraid this is going to have to come down to you upsetting her one way or another. You either upset her by ending your relationship, or you upset her by forcing her to confront this ingrained issue in an effort to save your relationship, and her life.

blairbear

OP, just as an aside, nobody with an eating disorder hides it out of malice or is deceptive out of lack of love for their partner. It is, by definition, intensely private and secretive. A lot of the disordered eating practices would be seen as very anti-social and unpleasant by most. And most people would tend to run a mile if you laid out the intricate details of a chronic ED at the start of a relationship.

I'm not sure that having an ED and being in a relationship are particularly compatible. I've had an ED for 22 years, since I was 13, and it has made every relationship I have ever had, including platonic friendships and those with my family, very torturous. The longer you have an ED, the harder it is to recover from and the older you are with it, the less likely you are to recover.

Aside from all of that, you really don't seem to have any affection or love for her. You aren't responsible for her reaction to the potential break up either. Her eating may well get worse afterwards but that won't be your fault.

qwerty13

You sound as though you are done with this relationship. As in no joy or affection left. For years. And if that’s the case, there’s nothing to do other than leave.

Please don’t promise to be friends (I had that after a long term relationship split, and it gave me utterly false hope, and F’d me up).

And do not listen to anyone saying that you ‘have to’ make sure she gets help before you leave. That’s on her. Not you. I do think you should tell her family though.

JustAThought

My heart xhilled when I read that they jad been a student for SEVEN years of your relationship & never included you in the conversation about a postgrad -how utterly selfish - alongside the taking laxatives and constant diarrohia and mess and dominating every plan and day out - it sounds like they are assuming a lot from you and it has become a loveless sexless self centered parent /teenager type arrangement of convenience for them . Tbh it sounds like an absolutely loveless bleak existance you have and it is time to call it quits. Dont get dragged into their future needs or health issues - people can live with anneroxia for 20 or 30 years and it is a most selfish of illnesses. You will never leave if you qait to gave them 'fixed'/'get help' as not wanting to or being able to is a core of this disease. You deserve a happy normal life, a loving relationship and partner, fabulous sex, being able to plan and hope for the future and a loving,sex and laughter filled relationship. Leave, move, tell them tjey need to move back with their family & set a deadline of soon -the following week or weekend. There will never be a good time and they have already been totally exploiting your goodwill and taking advantage for years. You are a good person, you have put up with a lot and supported them and their eating disorder issues for years. It is now time for you to move on and start a new life & new hopes for yourself. Don't be sucked into trying to suddenly fix them or therapy or councelling -tje loveless,sexless relationship is over -they need to return to their family or will get rent allowance to rent a room from social welfare. You need to look after your future and your mental health needs now: its been too long & its long over. You are just a facility for them & whatever relationship or love or equal partnership that was once there is long gone by what you write. They may promise to change or give reasons why they can't leave 'now' or make excuses or try and put the guilt on you but the bottom line is the tragedy of two people trapped ny an eating disorder and a decade of both lives made miserable by it. This could go on another decade. You need to end it & no help or support or being sucked back in. Its over; now find the courage to end it and timetable the departure & start your new life. You deserve it & just because you have been patient and kind and generous and resillient does not mean you should continue to be used or live in a loveless finished relationship. Simetimes you have to walj away and leave it to the professionals and mind your own mental health and needs. 8 years is 5 years too long a sacrafice. Good luck-be firm. You deserve love and happiness and because someons you once loved & was used by has a bad eating disorder does not mean you are to be condemed to wallow with them in a miserable loveless co-ecistanve that conveniences them for the rest of your life or all the best years of your life.