Single mum struggling...

mea_k

I'm a single mum of 2 year old. I work full time but I struggle. And I feel so bad that I do struggle. I struggle keeping fit, cooking meals.,keeping house clean, doing laundry and going to work. I wake most days at 5 am just to get house work done. After that to get himself ready and then set off to work to come home and do more house work. I feel like I'm failing. I'm no way lazy but I'm struggling to keep my job. Nanny alone costs me half of my wage. My ex husband is useless and doesn't bother putting on money regards care in time . And I end up beeing horrible mum not paying my rent in time.
How is it possible to be a good mom work full time have clean house and be happy. If anything I'm miserable. Please any advice...

Fann Linn

<SNIP>

Are your parents or any siblings around that could help ye out, either practically or even just to listen and advise?

Oryx

The house doesnt have to be spotless. Give yourself a break, youre doing fine, you dont have to be perfect.

Who can you ask for help? Friends, family? Just to give you a break if you need one, or provide company.

And get legal advise on the financial situation with your ex.

linpoo

I think every mum feels bad because they have unrealistic expetations thinking everything should be perfect - the house, meals, keeping fit etc but its impossible.

Would you be able to cut your hours down a bit? Im a single mum and cut my hours to 3 days and get some money off FIS which is a great help. I wouldnt cope working 5 days with a toddler so you're doing great!

Purple Mountain

Your ex husband is legally obliged to provide for your child and possibly you.
Don't let him get off scot free neglecting his duties.

arkle1

I was there 10 years ago. Single Parenting is the toughest job and you got through another day. Give yourself credit for that. When you look at all aspects negatively , it is so overwhelming. You need to be kinder to yourself for both you and your childs sake.

I felt similar to you but with the benefit of some hindsight, I can tell you

1. Take each day as it comes. Dont let the bigger picture overwhelm you

2. Age 2 is a trying time. Every few months as your child grows, things with them do get easier and enjoyable. You will look back before you know it and wish your child was 2 again!! Its such a cliche but this time passes really quickly .

3. It seems that you set high standards for yourself in tems of fitness, job, parenting skills. Good for you but dont cause yourself undue pressure. Keep working towards the 3 most important all the time and you will make progress. Dont mind the housework.

4. The money aspect is stressful. In my case,I worked harder in my job than most as I needed to get out on time for school collections etc. I made sure I was in the running for promotions as I needed the money. I progressed very well despite being up against strong competition.

5. Its tough not having a partner to share the load and the fun with. I did eventually meet someone else and we are very happy. So dont think it wont happen. All single parents I know have gone on to meet someone. Life didnt suddenly get easier for me though. In fact, I have gone through more difficult times in the time we have been together.

6. The non payment of rent concerns me though. You do need to sort that out now. Go to your welfare office and ask for some help as Id be concerned you and your child will be evicted.

LegacyUser

Hi fellow single mum,

I've a number of children myself ranging from teen to primary
I am living with depression and a few years ago hit rock bottom with my ex regarding constant cheating, emotionally abusive, to the extent where he would openly date women and talk to them while in the house. It was horrible.

But you know what, the kids love him. I'm actually grateful for that. Because it means he pulls his share in childcare when I have to work late etc.

And I make sure he's there for them on his days off.
Can't stand the man, and he was chronically lazy when living in the house, but separating that bad, bad feeling when he's with the kids allows me time for myself I absolutely need to recharge my batteries.

School prep, work, dinners, activities all take energy and when you are fighting moods, it's really impossible to take some time to just do nothing. I used to try and squeeze in everything in those free times but now I just either take a nap or do something with my hobby. By making a wall between his time with the kids and our painful history, it's easier to cope and we no longer have issues around maintenance because he's seen that it's a) necessary from his time with them and b) we talk about those things in our unpleasant conversations outside general family life (not easy but I swallowed my therapists suggestion and it worked. Wonders because I truly dislike the man so it was hard.)

I mentioned my history because I know how those feelings of can't cope easily build up and can cause so much heartache.

I manage my days now by having a schedule that I stick to. It's not an exciting life, but it's a stable, predictable one for the kids and also means I'm managing the house to an extent as untidiness actually makes me tense. Here goes my boring weekly layout:

All prep for the day is done the night before. Lunches in the fridge, work clothes, uniforms. Anything needed extra like sports gear, special clothing all laid out. I mean everything.

I also do a quick wipe down of the bathroom each morning as I use it last. Sink, toilet bowl, quick wipe down after shower.
Quickly spread the beds and turn back covers.

In the evening part of the prep is also a general tidy up. I do a quick vacuum and sweep the kitchen nightly. Counters etc are part of the cooking anyway as I clean as I go so after dinner it's only dishes we ate from.

Sitting room tidied up always before lights out (admit all kids do this)

On the weekends Saturday mornings I will choose an area of the house for a deep clean but my older child helps with this. It means I'm not doing the whole house at a time and it's generally always tidy as a result. And then do a batch cook for the week. Or whatever activity is on. Depends. I do nothing on Sundays that's a rest day for movies or the park or whatever.

You need to seriously find means of having even a few hours a week just for you. Dealing with the change in lifestyle that comes with being a parent is exhausting without having a breakup as well. The father of your child needs to be with him while you take a break from life and focus on yourself.

You didn't mention any supports. I had none. Just him. So it was incredibly hard and that's why I mentioned he must step up but if you have family or friends to help, even a few hours once a week will give you that recharge.

I can't stress how important it is to have a house chores schedule as well. If commuting takes up a lot of your time as well it just makes life easier to have the chores planned and chopped up into segments to make them manageable.

Wish you the best.

linpoo

Oh and make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to - SPCCC tax credit, maybe a medical card and if you worked 3 days and earned under €521 you would be eligible for the working family payment.

is this username available

Raising kids is hard, I can only imagine all the more difficult on your own. But don’t be too hard on yourself, we all struggle in some ways.

Sit down and relax next time you get a chance. Take a deep breath, look at your child and if your child is doing okay then you know what... your probably doing a great job and better than most parents out there.

Don’t try to be too perfect. They won’t remember if the house is perfectly clean. They won’t remember if you were up at 5.

Take some time and take a day to go enjoy it all and spend time together. Forget about everything for a day and take a trip to the park or zoo or something. They grow up quickly and it is seriously damn tough when they are that age.

It gets easier though so hang in there. I’ve had many days I found it tough to get by but it does get better.

Wishing you the best of luck.

shesty

Married working mum here.You are amazing.Two is a tough, tough age.Before you know it though, the child will be three, into playschool and growing so much.
Forget the housework.Clean clothes, food, that's the important stuff.All else can be put off for a few days.Leave out clothes, lunches etc the night before.Have a big wall calendar that everything goes in to.Batch cook if you can, lasagnes, bolognese, stuff that will freeze so you don't have to cook every night.If you get a chance, can you work from home for a day, or reduce your working hours??
I have three and one thing that the arrival of my second taught me is that I am a person too.Push aside that guilt and sit down this evening for a bit.Turn on the TV and relax, or take a bath, whatever chills you out.You are entitled to it.You are not failing and for every mum to feel able to cope, they have to feel like a person too-time to recharge is badly needed.It's ok to be nice to yourself.

shafty100

Tbh would you not be a far happier person if you were unemployed and get some of your hard earned tax back in welfare form ,in time you could go back part or fulltime ,remember your health and child are way more important than any job ,now before im accused of suggesting you become a life long scrounger im not but in your circumstances remember that life is hard enough .

TheValeyard

OP. You are doing great. Do not be so hard on yourself. I have no idea how single parents cope, I really dont. They deserve every cent they get. I hope you have family that can help and even give you some free time to yourself. It will get easier as your little one gets older and able to do more things. Also you should be able to get free hours for creche next year I think?

mea_k

I have been in contact with creche and will avail of free playschool for 2 hrs a day. Will be load off my mind. I cant go without job because I have never been out of one. I was very sick during pregnancy and was off work alot. Work means alot to me and I couldn't be without one I just don't think I could handle it. I've worked hard since I turned 16. And worked since then for same company to this day witch is nearly 15 years.
I left housework for 2 days. And it wasnt as bad. I just done bare minimum and today went to swimming pool on my own as my sons dad had him. I feel alot better. Its very hard to find balance and I think I've set my goals way too hight, bleaching floors every second day have everything in its place all the time. Thank you everyone for support. I'm not very close to my family and felt very alone.

Thank you from all my heart xx

scarepanda

Aw sweety, that's far too much pressure to put on yourself, it really is.

I'm a stay at home parent, but I hate housework, I just feel like I'm going around in circles all the time and getting no where. I've a routine in place now that I've the different rooms in the house broken down into groups and they all get a good clean once a week on a certain day. So say bedrooms are done in one group on a certain day, bathroom, hall, office on another etc (I get all the heavy housework done over 3 days, but it's only 30/45mins on those days). And daily a general run around is done like making beds, opening Windows, picking up clothes/whatever needs to be done to keep a general look of clean and tidy. Since I've put the routine in place ive found it so much easier to keep on top of things, I don't feel like I'm going around in circles all the time and getting nowhere and ive more time to spend with my toddler, and making time for my own life in general aswell.

I'm lucky in that I have had the choice to stay at home and I do have my husband to take over toddler duties when I need to get out for my time. But even at that it's so so easy at times to get swamped and forget that you need time for yourself as well. I can't imagine how hard it is for a working single parent who doesn't have much support from their child's other parent. But it is important for you to have some time to decompress from everything. With regard childcare if your son was born in 2016, he will be eligible for 3 hrs/day free preschool (ECCE years) in September, so that should go someway towards helping financial pressure for childcare, if he's in a crèche already chances are he's already automatically down for it.

Crunchymomma

No real advice but solidarity!! Single mum of two here, age five and almost two. It's so tough!! I try to keep on top of everything but I feel like nothing really gets done properly.

shesty

Ah no.Don't be doing floors daily.Once a week hoover, maybe mop kitchen a couple of times since he is small and a messy eater but that's it!!Once a week bathrooms and the like, maximum.I am drowning in housework, it just gets away from me and I have accepted I am only human.I have my husband sure, but I have three small kids and it is not physically possible to get things done every day.It's too much.I don't know how you do it, it's so tough.Look after yourself.