Balancing my life with family

LegacyUser

Hopefully this post will make some sense as I am afraid to go too in depth.

I am 22 and just finished college last year, working full time now switching between nights and days which is crap honestly but great money and nice people in my office. I've done really well at work so far, passed my probation after 6 months and got a promotion straight away, get good feedback etc.

I have a very difficult family - parents, sibling, and extended family members, mostly my nanny and aunts/uncles. In the back of my mind I am screaming at myself to cut them all off but I have a lot of guilt too. It's hard to explain - I know my parents failed me so badly but I feel so much guilt that they are humans too and had their own issues and it would be awful to have your own child cut you off, and I have a fear that they would die or something terrible would happen if I did.

Some vague examples - I was not protected from abuse by a family member, I was not fed properly or taught simple things like washing myself etc., was always filled with crazy stories about how I can't trust anyone and everyone is lying to you/is not really your friend so I really struggled in primary and secondary school. I moved out when I was 18, which my younger brother has since hated me for and does not speak to me anymore unless he wants money. He is half way through a course now which I have paid for by taking out a loan and regularly help with rent and give him money. I have never had any thanks for this which does hurt. I looked after him so much when we were small and it breaks me that he doesn't seem to care. My parents did not save a penny.

I have had to call in 'sick' four days this year so far because someone in the family has been having a meltdown, or owes money to someone,or is hysterical about something. The guards are called sometimes. I have somehow become the person that is expected to fix this. They make it seem like a life or death situation, and panic me. I don't know how to get out of this - I feel so much shame and guilt if I don't go help, even for these people who have never done a thing for me. I am weak and don't know how to say no.

I feel hopeless about my life - I don't know how I can keep in the good books at work, have a relationship or have someone love me and put up with this. I do think it would be easier for me if I wasn't here sometimes. I know this is not a good way to think and I have never come close to acting on it but the thought is there.

Fakediamond

Hiya, you sound like you’ve been through a lot and done amazingly well to get so much stability in your life at such a young age and without support, as you’ve said.

You probably do need to put some distance between yourself and the more toxic family members. Sounds like they don’t have great life or coping skills and are leaning on you to fix it all. As you’ve said, that’s a difficult position to be in, while trying to work and make your own way in life. I would not jeopardize my job by taking sick leave to sort out their dramas, they’ve come this far in life, they’ll work it out, with or without your input.

Your brother is angry yes, but he’ll have to work on that himself, it sounds like you’re doing your best to support him, but don’t let him bleed you dry while you’re still trying to get your own life on track.

Organise some counselling for yourself, I know it can be expensive, but there are low cost options too.

I wish you well, the world needs more people like you, who are taking responsibility and trying to live their best lives, so please try to put those dark thoughts to one side until you can sort out counselling. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you can talk it all through with an independent person, who’s not caught up in the day to day drama.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you have to prioritise looking after yourself.

You could do with proper counselling to help you come to terms with the effect of the abuse, and possibly so personal development around assertiveness so you can learn how to say no to your family meltdowns, if you choose to do so.

You sound like a genuinely decent person and a good brother. But just dont lose yourself and your needs helping out the family - you need to maintain a balance.

antix80

Don't cut them out altogether. Just set boundaries. Maybe 2 hours, twice a week. One in their territory, one in a neutral place. It's more than enough time to gift to your family.
Stop looking after your brother financially. Without your cash, he might get a part-time job and some independence, so think about that!
You need to cut that "always on" connection to your family. Most smart phones will let you mute text messages and you can mute your whatsapp and facebook notifications too. You might even have to get a second sim-card with a number you only share with a few close friends.
Your family will see your boundary-setting as an attack on them and will look for reasons to create drama and drag you back in. e.g. accusing you of making your mother/father sick, that they're worried about you, etc. For that reason I'd probably recommend you get a bit of professional help in the form of half a dozen counselling sessions to work through the issues you are having with your family and on setting boundaries.

Defunkd

They'll keep coming to you as long as you drop everything to sort their sh*t out for them. Rehearse saying 'no' to requests. Seriously, practice saying 'no' in the mirror.

No more taking days off work for them - unless it is serious or genuine case of real need. If someone gets in trouble with the Gardai, let them deal with the consequences of their actions. They're adults too.

Get another phone and number. Use that for friends, work etc. If you stop responding to every drama, they'll stop dragging you in.

.......

My own family were similarly toxic, although different underlying dynamic of alcoholism.

Anyway, I became that person who was expected to drop everything for drama too.

The only way to stop it is to stop it. Switch off your phone. Go to work. Dont respond. Let the meltdown happen. Let the Guards come. Its not your problem.

I strongly recommend two things to you.

1 - get counselling. Definitely do this. You really need it.

2 - educate yourself on the negative effects of the upbringing you have had. It becomes much easier to deal with what is going on in your head when you understand what is going on with your family more objectively. To start with I recommend a book called Toxic Families - by John Cleese believe it or not.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Families-Survive-Them-Cedar-Books/dp/0749314109

Knowledge is power. You will learn how not to feel guilty for looking after yourself.

Something that used to help me mentally was I would just think about putting things off. It wasnt that I wouldnt help, but I wouldnt help til the next day. My availability became less current. It helped me a lot to take back that control without abandoning everyone outright.

Best of luck to you, you have achieved a lot and you WILL get through this and to a healthier place.

Emme

I recommend NCEA - no contact ever again. It's the only way, otherwise they will keep hoovering you back in with various problems which always seem to be life and death :rolleyes: but these people always miraculously recover to bother you again.

If you don't take action now you will wake up at 40 or 50 wondering where the hell your life went and dealing with an ever increasing burden of problems from your family. By then you will probably be expected to care for your parents when they get old and incapacitated even though as you said yourself your childhood wasn't great.

NCEA is a drastic step but in the medium term you will have to do it. Start with getting counselling. It's expensive but a necessity for you. In the meantime check out information on toxic families, there are lots of free websites and facebook pages.

Like what the previous poster said, switch off your phone. If they are really bothering you block all their numbers. They will leave messages anyway and you can decide to get back to them or not.

shesty

Counselling will help even just to have someone tell you that it is ok to say no to them and that you cannot solve all their problems.If you are in the habit of it, it is hard to withstand that kind of thing after a lifetime of helping people, and it helps to have someone on your side, even just to tell you regularly you are doing the right thing.

Caranica

OP if I were you I'd be looking at the working holiday visa in Australia or elsewhere. You need some you time, your deserve it. Your adult family need to start looking after themselves and you after yourself. Be brave.

aloneforever99

First of all, I want to say well done. You've extracted yourself from a very difficult family home and you're starting to build a life for yourself. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. And think, if you've come this far by 22, what else might you achieve by 22, or 25, or 30 or 35. You have your whole life ahead of you.

You've done a wonderful thing for your brother, too. Hopefully in the future he'll start to heal and he'll acknowledge that, but whether he does or not doesn't take away from the fact that you've given him an opportunity at life too. You should be proud of that as well.

Definitely take a big step back. I don't know if I'd advocate cutting them out altogether, but certainly give yourself space. Counselling would be good if you can, or look into free support groups/ group therapy, and read books such as the ones suggested.

The healthier you become, the more likely it is you'll be able to attract someone stable and loving into your life.

lulu1

OP you are a credit for getting this far given the crap that has been thrown at you from a young age Tell yourself that every day when you look in the mirror.

i wouldn't cut off my family altogether but I wouldn't be there to clean up their mess either why should you.

As for your brother if your giving him money to help him out I would expect a bit off respect from him

I think you should ease off on the payments to your brother because he sounds like a taker to me

Best of luck OP you deserve it

Paddy Cow

stressedout4932 wrote: »

Hopefully this post will make some sense as I am afraid to go too in depth.

I am 22 and just finished college last year, working full time now switching between nights and days which is crap honestly but great money and nice people in my office. I've done really well at work so far, passed my probation after 6 months and got a promotion straight away, get good feedback etc.

Congratulations. You are doing really well and should be proud of yourself. You are obviously ambitious and hard working to have set yourself up like this.

I have a very difficult family - parents, sibling, and extended family members, mostly my nanny and aunts/uncles. In the back of my mind I am screaming at myself to cut them all off but I have a lot of guilt too. It's hard to explain - I know my parents failed me so badly but I feel so much guilt that they are humans too and had their own issues and it would be awful to have your own child cut you off, and I have a fear that they would die or something terrible would happen if I did.

You are not alone here. Many people have difficult family dynamics and it's hard to discuss because we are told that family is everything and parents are humans who make mistakes. The level of guilt you feel is reflective of how empathic you are as a person. Instead of cutting your family off for the sh!tty things they do, you are trying to see them as people and understand their flaws.

Some vague examples - I was not protected from abuse by a family member, I was not fed properly or taught simple things like washing myself etc., was always filled with crazy stories about how I can't trust anyone and everyone is lying to you/is not really your friend so I really struggled in primary and secondary school.

Parents make mistakes but what you describe is out and out abuse. Going back to your opening paragraph, you have done amazingly well to be in your position at 22, considering how neglected you were as a child.

I moved out when I was 18, which my younger brother has since hated me for and does not speak to me anymore unless he wants money. He is half way through a course now which I have paid for by taking out a loan and regularly help with rent and give him money. I have never had any thanks for this which does hurt. I looked after him so much when we were small and it breaks me that he doesn't seem to care. My parents did not save a penny.

You're brother can't be that much younger than you if he is doing a course. You are his sister, not his mother. It's not your responsibility to look after him. It's admirable (and again a testament to your character) that you are providing for his education. You both had the same circumstances growing up. You chose to leave and better yourself. It's ridiculous that he holds this against you, while at the same time accepting financial aid. His anger should be directed at your parents, not you. I've seen this (and experienced it) loads of times. It's a strange quirk of human dynamics, that people take their anger out, not on those who deserve it but on those who will shoulder it. Your brother won't confront your parents because he knows they won't acknowledge it but takes it out on you because you feel a misplaced guilt. You managed to move out and make a go of things, so why doesn't your brother? Instead of addressing his own failings, he's projecting them onto you, which it totally unfair.

I have had to call in 'sick' four days this year so far because someone in the family has been having a meltdown, or owes money to someone,or is hysterical about something. The guards are called sometimes. I have somehow become the person that is expected to fix this. They make it seem like a life or death situation, and panic me. I don't know how to get out of this - I feel so much shame and guilt if I don't go help, even for these people who have never done a thing for me. I am weak and don't know how to say no.

You are not weak. What you are is empathic. You are kind and caring and want to help people. Those are truly admirable traits. Unfortunately you are surrounded by selfish people who take advantage of you and your good nature. It's even more unfortunate that these people happen to be your "family" who have selfishly conditioned you to be the "fixer". They don't give you support when you need it but when they need it you are made to feel like you're the selfish person if you didn't help out, even if that help is detrimental to your own life and well being!

I feel hopeless about my life - I don't know how I can keep in the good books at work, have a relationship or have someone love me and put up with this. I do think it would be easier for me if I wasn't here sometimes. I know this is not a good way to think and I have never come close to acting on it but the thought is there.

That is the saddest part of your whole post. Here you are at 22 years of age, the whole world at your feet. You've overcome the odds of a dysfunctional childhood to put yourself in the position where you have a job you like, you are well respected and you are on the road to a long career. The only thing holding you back is your "family". I can tell you this now, most parents would be overwhelmed with pride that their 22 year old child is establishing themselves so young. That you did it on your own is even more impressive.

The problem you are facing now is that your family is not like most families. They are not only holding you back and taking advantage but they are going to destroy your mental health. You cannot keep burning the candle at both ends. Feeling hopeless will turn into full blown depression. You will lose focus at work and your boss/colleagues will lose all that faith in you, you worked so hard to build. Where will your family be if you lose your job? They won't support you. If you are no longer useful to them, they will stop ringing you. If you can no longer pay your brother's rent, I guarantee he will cut you off.

I'm sorry to sound harsh op but that's the reality. You are smart enough to realise that you have come to a crossroads. You cannot maintain your career while being the scapegoat for your family. The guilt you feel is what's holding you back. Guilt is an emotion you've been conditioned to feel.

Have you ever asked yourself what your life could be like in ten years? From what I've read in your op there are two options:
1-you continue to try and juggle your job with the unrealistic demands of your family. Eventually you have a breakdown and lose both of them and spend years in therapy trying to understand what went wrong.

2-you focus on your career and yourself. You join some clubs and make friends who make you feel good about yourself. In time you meet someone, fall in love, get married and have children. You sound like a wonderful person and given how generous you are to your brother, you would be a brilliant parent who provides for their children's education.

At the moment you are at option 1. You should be at option 2.

Overcoming the guilt you feel is beyond the help that anyone on boards can give you. Your guilt is so ingrained that it stops you from making rational decisions that you know are right such as telling your relatives you can't help them because you are at work. They have warped your thinking. On an intellectual level you know it's wrong but on an emotional level you feel bad. You need to find a way to adjust your emotions to a healthy level.

Counselling can help. If you don't have the money for that right now, there are lots of websites and forums dedicated to issues like this. Google "narcissistic parents", "scapegoat child". Reading other people's experiences can be a real eyeopener and make you realise the you are not the problem

I don't think I've ever written a post this long in PI but I have never wanted to reach out and hug someone so much before. 22 is so young and to have your professional life in order is a massive achievement! You have so much potential op. With your personality and work ethic I can easily see you as a respected member of the community.

Ask yourself this - if you were a parent, would you want your child to be happy and living a good life or would you want them to be taking care of younger siblings and extended family members? You know the answer. You are a good person and to give yourself the life you deserve you are going to need some help in detangling yourself from your current family.

I wish you all the best op x