Why is it so hard to get help?

LegacyUser

Hi all. Ok so I have realised the fact that I think I need some help regarding my mental health and how I’m living my life at the moment. I’m a 36 year old man and I have a list of issues that I’d like to talk to someone about, if that’s an option, it’s proving hard to arrange.
I suffer from mild anxiety, sometimes depression, low self esteem, no motivation, self loathing, substance abuse… you name it I probably dabble a bit in all of the above. I also function pretty well at work and financially etc, and most people probably think I’m ok from the outside but I’m unhappy and I want to change.
I’m posting here because I have called 8 different therapists/counsellors/psychotherapist (whatever they call themselves, it’s confusing) centres or individuals today, and all of them have said they’ve no room on their schedules apart from the odd crazy time at 9pm on the far side of the city or something. It’s hard enough calling these people and explaining why I want therapy, or whatever it’s called, only to be told they can’t see me. So I’m already burnt out this morning.
Has anyone had issues with this? What am I supposed to do here? I’m giving up on the idea already and it’s disheartening. There are just too many names out there with varying prices (expensive AF if I must say) and I didn’t think it would be this hard.
Who should I be looking for? Thanks for reading.

ginandtonicsky

Assuming you're living in a relatively big city given the wait times. Could you look into counsellors a bit further out of the city centre to see if it makes a difference? Or could you get your local GP to refer you to someone?

Do you know anyone personally that is attending counselling and can make a recommendation? You'd be surprised at the amount of people that are seeing one. That's if you're comfortable bringing it up of course, totally understandable if you're not.

I've experienced this myself lately so I understand the frustration, it's hard to make that difficult call multiple times to be met with disappointment every time. Hang in there and keep plugging away, it'll be worth it.

LegacyUser

Thank you ginandtonic. Ok so I found one woman and think I made an appt tomorrow but she's to call me back. Thing is it's 80e a session. I mean I'm on decent enough money but that's a lot for something that can go on for months no? I don't think I can afford 320+ a month off my net pay. That just seems scandalous to me - and even the cheapest ones I can see charge 60.
I can't believe it's actually cheaper to see dentists and get work done over going to someone who isn't even a real doctor. I'm thinking of packing in the idea now and just trying to help myself. Bloody hell.

LegacyUser

9pm for Therapy isn't that unusual - certainly not crazy. A lot of therapists work evening shifts to cater for those working 9 - 5. Many will have clients they are currently dealing with who would have booked in for more favourable hours.


Did any of them offer you a date at some future date?


You've made 8 phone calls and are burnt out and thinking about giving up after about an hour of effort?

Would you be willing to drive to the far side of the city at 9pm if it meant that your mental healthy improved?


What is expensive for you? You often get what you pay for. A trained psychologist can be 60 - 100 euro for a 50 minute session.

ginandtonicsky

Those are fairly average prices IME. Yes it is expensive. You really need to think of it as an investment - do you want to plough through the next few years stuck in this rut where nothing changes and everything feels like an ordeal, or do you want to feel good about yourself and your life? The difference after a few months of seeing a qualified therapist can be phenomenal. Prioritising your mental health will change your life for the better.

That said, it's worth exploring a few things. Have a look into your work insurance policy. Is there any cover you can avail of there? Many counsellors will be flexible on pricing if their clients need a reduced rate too.

baby and crumble

It is expensive but in my experience, it's rare that you'd go every week for months on end. Most times I have gone to therapy (many times for different reasons) it's usually every 2 weeks, for 6 sessions. So even at €80 a pop that breaks down to €40 per week - thats €5ish per day to get yourself feeling right, or better at least.

Also, the different names do mean different things. Someone can set themselves up as a 'counsellor' without much regulation or training - but those who are psychotherapists etc are highly trained and often specialised.

LegacyUser

Ok so this woman I’m supposed to see tomorrow actually looks good. I’ve found her profile and education and experience and she’s worked and studied in some very renowned universities abroad. So maybe she’s worth the dime.
Am I really supposed to go in there and spill my guts about things I’m ashamed of? Excessive boozing? Cocaine? It seems quite scary to have to tell all this to what looks like a well to do stranger.
I’m glad of the responses folks, thanks.

blairbear

OP, how much are you currently spending on alcohol/drugs/cigarettes? You mentioned substance abuse.

They may not be medical doctors but they are not pretending to be and have a different skillset. I am a "real doctor". I couldn't do what they do, nor am I trained to do so. Psychiatrists also have a different skillset clinically, which is why they will refer their patients to psychology services.

Rubberchikken

have you asked your gp for a recommendation?
also you dont need or maybe want to go every week. you could go once or twice a month and see how it goes.
plus wouldnt money that you're currently spending on something that isnt making your life good be better spent on something that may improve it?

best of luck

Finchie1276

Hi

I see you are stressed out. It is good that you see the need for change - thats great. That said, it will take a while to get to see a therapist. Probably what you need is a Psychotherapist with CBT experience. Most therapists will work with a defined number of clients and will take a new client on when they finish with a client. You will not get automatically in to see . the right therapist first time, if you think it is all gonna fit in together seamlessly then you will be disappointed.

Therapy is a long process - finding the right therapist, defining your issues and working through them. There will be breaks where you go away and maybe work with a drugs counsellor or an addiction counsellor. It is expensive but it is your choice: stay with the current situation or work towards a new one.

Best of luck.

Addle

I'd start with a referral from your GP OP.
The public health system will supply free appointments, but you will have a wait.

There are free online services available.

What about your employer? Trade Union? Health Insurance provider? They may offer a link to a service.

There is help available.

bottlebrush

hi op. some employers have employee assistance programmes where they cover the cost of a number of sessions. it's something you should check out.

Purple Mountain

There is no script per se for a session. You just wait and see where the conversation goes organically. Obviously have items in your head that you would think are relevant to your distress that you want discussed but don't stress today over what you will be discussing tomorrow.
The therapist will guide you.
Good luck!

Rachiee

Just for anyone saying get a referral to the public system I know people waiting 13 months for an appointment,
if you can afford it you are definitely better paying for it getting support while you are motivated to work on yourself.
Also counsellors on the public system will often refuse to accept a referral for people actively engaging in substance misuse

LegacyUser

Again thanks for all your replies. Yeah I feel pretty great today how could you not in this weather but I seem to get stuck in the same cycles and I'd like to stay happy. The woman called me yesterday and she seems really nice and professional, I've actually to see her tomorrow instead, I'm nervous about it but if I see her once a week or fortnight it's way cheaper than going on a bender if I can steer clear of that stuff at the weekends.
She even said it's hard to find clarity when you're looking for some kind of psychological help due to all the acronyms and different names and qualifications.
Work doesn't provide anything like this and no health insurance etc but I should be ok for money.

ongarboy

ayudameporfa wrote: »

Thank you ginandtonic. Ok so I found one woman and think I made an appt tomorrow but she's to call me back. Thing is it's 80e a session. I mean I'm on decent enough money but that's a lot for something that can go on for months no? I don't think I can afford 320+ a month off my net pay. That just seems scandalous to me - and even the cheapest ones I can see charge 60.
I can't believe it's actually cheaper to see dentists and get work done over going to someone who isn't even a real doctor. I'm thinking of packing in the idea now and just trying to help myself. Bloody hell.

OP, looking after your mental health is just as equally important (more in many cases) as looking after your teeth or other physical health matters so I'd recommend not undervaluing it or comparing it to how much you would pay for other health services. Labeling mental health practice therapists as not "real doctors" is a little disingenuous also.

Yes, €80 is expensive but as another poster said, you don't have to commit to weekly sessions. It can be less frequent. Compare that to how much you might spend on a night out once a week. I doubt most people would get much change out of €80 after a few rounds of drink and possibly a nightclub, taxi or babysitter and have nothing to show for it apart from maybe a hangover?

Just on your later post. It's great that you seem to have find a potential therapist that might be available. Don't worry about what you have to say or reveal or how restrained you must be in the first session(s). There is no script that you have to stick to. If you feel like bursting into tears within seconds of meeting them, that is ok too. They will establish that it is your first time availing of such a service and gently guide you through what to expect as part of the first and subsequent sessions and how not to expect quick fixes or "cures" within weeks.

A good therapist will also guide you through the process of dealing with newfound (and often unpleasant) feelings you may experience outside of the first few sessions as the impact of unloading troubling issues, thoughts, problems, stresses etc that you've possibly suppressed, in some cases since childhood, for the first time ever and how it may potentially affect you, your sleep, your mindset in the first few weeks of therapy. For some clients, there will be an element of "it get's worse before it get's better" and question why the therapy is making them feel like crap and therefore is a waste of money. A good therapist will discuss all of this with you and advise that unlike a filling to fix a tooth pain in minutes, mental health recovery will take much longer.

Best of luck- you are taking the first important step by reaching out to seek help. Try not to get despondent as you encounter obstacles with demand/availability/price ranges. As others say, the evening period after work from 5pm to 9pm is the most in demand as most clients/patients are in work before those hours.

okatied

Hi OP
€80 Is definitely not the worst. I was paying €150 for CBT weekly. Brilliant therapist but my issues weren't resolved by CBT so I was referred on.
I have high functioning depression. People have no idea of the turmoil going on in my head and how low I feel sometimes. I'm thinking that you might be able to identify with that.
Maybe see if there is a Dean Clinic near you. They offer a free mental health assessment and could possibly refer you on to the correct therapist.
Also, sometimes you won't get on with a therapist. This is usually just down to personalities or not liking their style. Don't let that put you off.
Good luck.

Tell me how

Massive challenge in terms of getting mental health care through the form of counselling is getting the right therapist who works for you.
You both need to click to some degree but they need to consistently be more therapist than friend. They need to have empathy but it is far from the only thing required.

I think it can be very like dating, can have to try and meet with a few before knowing if you it is going to work.
I'm working with a new therapist at the moment and to get to this point I met with one for two sessions, another for about 6 and then moved on to this one.

Like others, GP's advice is worth asking for.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Been a long time since I posted on boards but your thread really resonated with me, because I have been where you are and I promise that if you commit to therapy/counselling/CBT or whatever you find works for you - it will CHANGE your life.

I won't go into my whole backstory, but about 2 years ago, I got to a stage where I just thought I was beyond help.

I also was a chronic weed smoker, cokehead, absolute boozehound (drinking minimum 3 nights a week) and binge eater - all reflections of what was going on inside my head but try and tell me that and I would have absolutely attacked you.

I'm a high functioning addict, and unless you knew me really well, most people thought I was just "mad for the session" and a bit cracked. I was still able to work, and visit my family although in hindsight, my mam knew the whole time that I was in pieces.

Friends (some of whom actually ARE psychotherapists) tried to talk to me, told me to slow down and relax and tell them what was going on, but I knew better, all "them people" (counselling services, therapists etc) were moneygrabbing higher than thou d*ckheads and nobody could help me. My favourite phrase was "look at everything that's happened to me, how do you undo all of this? Seriously like? Sometimes you have to accept that things are broken" and I would bang on like that until people just starting not caring.

It was tough. I ended up becoming completely dependent on weed, booze and painkillers and was then absolutely shafted by an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend, robbed of the best part of €5k and then fell into a whirlwind affair with someone completely wrong for me - when that subsequently collapsed because of the aforementioned substance issues, I hit rock bottom. Looking back, I was essentially going from person to person silently screaming HELP ME!

Eventually, after much crying, drama and potential life-wrecking, I don't even remember the process of how it happened but with the enouragement of two friends I trusted, I reluctantly booked in for a counselling session one gloomy January evening in 2017 and that was the beginning of the light opening up at the end of a very very dark tunnel. I basically swapped what I was paying for drink and painkillers for the price of a counselling session so that was helpful from the getgo.

I remember saying to myself before I went into the first session - No lying in counselling. I was addicted to lying at the time, so much so that I didn't even realise I was doing it sometimes. If you have substance issues, you know what I'm talking about. The lies just build and build until you can't remember if you're telling the truth or a lie sometimes. I'd forgotten which parts of my story were true and which parts I had added to justify my addictions and behaviours.

Not lying in counselling was hard, but after the first two sessions, it got easier. I was honest about my substance dependency from the start and you will be surprised at how understanding and non-judgemental they are about WHAT you're doing - as you slowly begin to focus on WHY you're doing it.

Over time, my counseller made me realise that I wasn't the horrible, hopeless person I had convinced myself I was, but rather someone who was really really sad about their life, and really hated themselves and was subconsciously doing everything possible to make everyone and everything including my own body hate me as much as I hated myself. I had no sense of self worth, and therefore everything I was doing was essentially doing 100km/hr towards self destruction.

I can say with 100% honesty that after the first month, I already felt things in my thought process changing. I am an independent sort, and also on a relatively lowish income, so after 6 months, I felt I wanted to "go out into the world" on my own i.e. without the safety blanket of knowing if I fcked up, I had a counselling session that week to talk about it. My counsellor was very understanding of it and I've been 8 months on my own now and can honestly say that counselling changed my life and I would not be writing this post if it didn't. If anything happened in my life now that I "couldn't handle", I would now be making a point of ringing my counsellor before I ring my old dealer and if that isn't progress, I don't know what is.

You sound like you really want to deal with your demons and get them out of your head for good. That little monkey on your back that has the lines laid out or the spliff rolled or the bottle of vodka open before you even realise it - you need to be ready to admit that there is nothing more powerful than you making you do the things you do - you have to let that go. The only person responsible for, and able to change your life is YOU.

You have already taken 10 steps forward by admitting you have an issue and that you want help, as clichéd as it sounds. Do not lose your momentum and do not stop until you find a form of counselling or therapy that works for you. Your life can change, but you have to change it.

Good luck OP, I hope my little essay above shows you that even in the depths of frustration and anger and darkness, there is ALWAYS a little light. Follow it like nothing else matters. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP just to amend the above - it was Jan 2018, so last January. Sorry - I'm still getting the year wrong even though we're into March now

zapper55

Beenthere I hope your post gets stickied on the forum. Its brilliant and honest and would be helpful to many people. I'm very glad to hear you are out on the other side now.