Family Dilema

Febbride

I need advice. Getting married in a few days. Unfortunately my parents aren't keen on my husband to be. He's not in employment at present. He's currently in college and high on a panel for a job in the civil service. I love him v much. He is very good to me. We get on very well.

My parents consider him mean, and would prefer if he was currently employed and could provide for me (I have a good job of my own). but I do not pay his way. For the last year my parents have refused to acknowledge the wedding. Unless contact is initiated by me there is none. My mother for the most part ignores my calls. She did however come with me to choose my dress and seemed to enjoy the day. My father is currently deciding if he can bring himself to walk me up the aisle

I have tried to explain on several occasions how much htb means to me. I am 40 years of age and feel it is not for them to decide who I should marry.

My Fiancé visited my parents last week to try and sort things out before the wedding. They said they had assessed him and found him unsuitable. They told him they found him mean and were upset that he had no job. He explained how much he loved me, how this situation was upsetting me. To no avail. I'm at my wits end. I feel that after the marriage. I will have no relationship with my parents.

Heartbroken. Please help.

Faith

Mod note: Thread moved to Personal Issues from the Weddings forum. Please note that the PI charter is now in effect.

Faith

I know this is easy for me to say as an outsider, but your parents don’t sound like nice people. Why do you want to keep such unpleasant people in your life so much? You’re giving them tremendous power over you and they’re only loving it.

If I were you, I’d take back all of the control. Phone them up and say “look, you’ve made it clear that you’re not happy about my wedding and it seems to be difficult for you to even consider attending. So I’ll make your decision easier: you’re uninvited from the wedding. Dad, you don’t need to worry about whether you can bear to walk me up the aisle. I’ll walk myself up proudly to marry the man I love. If you’d like to catch up after the wedding, you have my number.”

Stop chasing them, stop begging them - you’re playing directly into their hands by behaving like that. Break the cycle, walk away from them and take all the power back and ENJOY YOUR WEDDING DAY! It sounds like they’d go out of their way to spoil it for you if they did attend.

Batgurl

Your parents sound like old-fashioned, judgemental people and you should be happy they are giving you the space to be a better person and not trying to bring you back down to their level.

If you love your husband to be and are happy in your current life, then you don’t need to worry about anything. You are happy. They are not. It’s their problem to fix and sort out.

Embrace you new in-laws. They sound like reasonable people and make it clear to your folks that you don’t need them any more.

Franz Von Peppercorn

Can we ask how old the fiancé is?

Dial Hard

It sounds to me as if your parents are, yes, somewhat old-fashioned, but mostly concerned for you, albeit expressing it in a less than sensitive way.

How long are you with your fiance? Has he worked at all since you've been together?

sReq | uTeK

Sounds to me like you have a loving caring husband who wants to better himself and clearly cares for you by trying to sort out with parents.

As you said you dont support him financially.

Cut ties with your parents and enjoy your life

banoffe2

My heart goes out to you OP, could you get someone else to give you away , a trusted friend, relative or otherwise, or as a previous poster said give yourself away? do you think they would respond differently if you husband to be was employed? Are there reactions borne out of fear for you? It's a hard one to call, there will be no pleasure in having your Dad walk you up the aisle if his heart is not in it, on what should be one of the happiest days of your life, sounds like there is no reasoning with them at this stage.

Sorry about that

Hi op, you seem like a lovely person from your post, and it doesn't sound as if you've had a bad relationship with your parents up till now.

Is it possible that they are heartbroken that you're getting married at all? You are a little older getting married (so was I), and maybe they're fearful that they'll see less of you now. So it may be easier for them to project this onto your fiancé, rather than expose their true feelings.

Ultimately it's themselves who'll lose out here, you're making yourself happy. I'd guess they'll settle down before the big day. Congratulations by the way!

Teyla Emmagan

Why do they find him mean? Just because he has no job and no money to spend on you (presumably)? Or is it something else? The mean is interesting, it's not generally an indicator of good things. But if it's just that he's a student then that's ridiculous.

I am not surprised you are terribly hurt though OP. I would be devastated if my parents wouldn't come to my wedding. But it will only reflect badly on them. It's selfish to the point of cruelty. Your parents sound like pretty horrible people.

woodchuck

OP you said a couple of times that your parents have said he's "mean". Do they just mean mean with money? Or do they mean a nasty personality? I get the impression it's just about money, but wanted to ask because it's an important point if they have a different meaning (sometimes we see things through rose tinted glasses, whereas it's crystal clear to others outside the situation).

I'm going to assume he's a similar age to you. What is his employment history? I'm getting the impression that he's gone back to college to upskill or change career. But if he has a poor employment history, I can see why your parents would be concerned for you.

If you're dead set on marrying him, you just need to go ahead and live your own life. It's obviously a terrible shame that your parents don't like him, but maybe they'll come around in time. It sounds like they're coming from a place of concern for you. If he finishes college and gets a job, they'll probably change their tune down the line. For now, you'll just have to proceed with your wedding plans - whether or not they attend is up to them, personally I'd stop begging.

whiskeyman

Would be interesting to know how they felt about previous partners if you had anyway?

Is it a case he could simply do not right?

wiggle16

You're the one marrying him, they're not. If they don't like him that's their problem and whether or not you get married or to whom is not their choice to make. They are choosing to make it difficult for you to marry him by ignoring you and behaving like a pair of brats.

All that should matter to them is that he makes you happy. That is all they should be concerned with. If they think they can evaluate a person after meeting and "assessing" him for a short time, it says way more about your parents than it does about your fiancé - and you should tell them that. They need to have a serious look in the mirror and get over themselves.

I don't have much practical advice for you because they've chosen to act like this, there's not much you can do. Make it clear to them that you are calling their bluff and that if they do not attend the wedding then they are choosing to damage your relationship with them. Other than that, steam ahead with your wedding and enjoy your day.

Hopefully they will come around in the meantime. Good luck OP.

jopax

Like others have said, what way do they consider him mean, it doesn't make any sense unless they have something to back it up with.
They are the ones that sound mean IMO, especially when your mother is ignoring your calls, that is a very nasty way to treat you, she's trying to punish you as is your father.
Fair play to your htb to be the mature one there to try & talk to them, it sounds like he is s good man.
The last thing I'll say is that you are 40 not 18, so you have enough life experiences to not be treated like an irresponsible child.
Best of luck with it, I wish you the happiness you deserve.

cannotlogin

This really depends a lot on the general family dynamic.

What are you parents typically like?

(a).Salt of the earth, generally good people who only want the best for you

(b) Judgemental, short sighted, old fashioned people who have a very narrow & sheltered view of the world even if they mean no harm

(c) They generally have a problem with most things and people


I know if it were my family it would only be done if they were really genuinely concerned for me and I would have to give their views some consideration.

Very hard to advise you without understanding your family background

paw patrol

I don't know you or your parents but I wouldn't be happy with my child marrying somebody with no job. They don't have to have earn loads but I appreciate somebody who works hard.

I'm not saying their behaviour is correct but I see their concerns. that's all.

If you are 40 I'm assuming he is close in age...somebody that age with no job is a red flag cos I can assume its not just a few months "in between jobs" but long term.

Paddy Cow

Febbride wrote: »

I need advice. Getting married in a few days. Unfortunately my parents aren't keen on my husband to be. He's not in employment at present. He's currently in college and high on a panel for a job in the civil service. I love him v much. He is very good to me. We get on very well.

Your htb is a student with a good job in the pipeline. Unless he has a long history of unemployment and doing courses that lead nowhere, him being a student at this stage of his life isn't a black mark against him. Plenty of people in their 30's and 40's go back to university and retrain. It's really not that uncommon.

Febbride wrote: »

My parents consider him mean, and would prefer if he was currently employed and could provide for me (I have a good job of my own). but I do not pay his way. For the last year my parents have refused to acknowledge the wedding. Unless contact is initiated by me there is none. My mother for the most part ignores my calls. She did however come with me to choose my dress and seemed to enjoy the day. My father is currently deciding if he can bring himself to walk me up the aisle

Your parents are being very unfair here. Even if they have reservations about the marriage, any decent parents would be there as a support system if it didn't work out. To be so disinterested in the wedding, to the point where your father is humming and hawing about walking you down the aisle, is cruel.

Febbride wrote: »

I have tried to explain on several occasions how much htb means to me. I am 40 years of age and feel it is not for them to decide who I should marry.

Stop explaining yourself to them. This isn't the Victorian era where parents got to decide if a suitor was acceptable for their daughter. You are not someone in their early 20's. You are a 40 year old woman and you know exactly what you want. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that because you are still trying to gain their approval, they have been controlling in the past and have left you with some self-esteem issues.

Febbride wrote: »

My Fiancisited my parents last week to try and sort things out before the wedding. They said they had assessed him and found him unsuitable. They told him they found him mean and were upset that he had no job. He explained how much he loved me, how this situation was upsetting me. To no avail. I'm at my wits end. I feel that after the marriage. I will have no relationship with my parents.

Heartbroken. Please help.

When we are children, our parents are our whole world and that is the family unit, for both them and us. As we get older and more independent, that relationship changes. It's the natural cycle of things that children date and get married and their new partner becomes their primary family unit. Most parents embrace this new stage of life but some can't accept it. They are overly invested in the lives of their adult children and it causes a lot of problems.

You have chosen your husband. You love him, he isn't sponging off you and has a long term career goal. You know you want to marry him and build a life together. He has to be your priority now and your parents are going to have to accept that. Do they want you to remain single until someone they find "suitable" comes along?

Seriously op, if they don't have a relationship with you after the wedding, what have you lost? They already don't initiate contact and are treating you appallingly. They are trying to control you through emotional blackmail. Focus on your wedding and your husband. You deserve to be happy. Let your parents b!tch and moan. You know your partner better than anyone and if you are happy with him, then that's all that matters. I know it's upsetting that your parents aren't on board but that's their problem. They will get over it. At some stage they too had to get married and create their own family otherwise you wouldn't be here

leggo

OP what’s the history here? So the first time they met him, he came in being nice and warm and they just took against him and never looked back? Or is there more?

Also, if you don’t mind me asking, if he’s unemployed but you don’t pay his way, how does he pay his own way in terms of his share of rent/mortgage, bills, household expenses etc?

Gatica

It's a shame that your parents have taken such a heartless approach in showing their disapproval of your mate. They could've been more discreet about it, maybe voiced their concerns about his employment status to you but backed that with the fact that they love you and will support your decision, as well as be there for you should you need them - I certainly think that's what loving parents should do for their children. Giving you the cold shoulder is hardly the mature way to deal with their dislike of your partner.

Likewise, wondering what they mean by him being "mean". Have they said he's been disagreeable or unpleasant to them on purpose, or some other reason to warrant that description?

Also, this isn't the 50's, even if a man may be the prime earner in many couples, it's certainly not expected that it's exclusively a man's responsibility to take care of his wife/family. In a partnership both partners support and help each other, whether it's financial, moral or looking after the home or kids or a balancing of those.
Do remember though that when you marry your financial status will be linked with his, and if he gets welfare now based on not being employed, he may well lose that entitlement based on his becoming your partner and essentially a dependent if you're the one earning.. just something to think about.

All the best with your wedding and hope your parents come around.

Xterminator

I would ike to say ultimately it is the OPs choice whom to marry. however she cannot force the parents to accept him or attend wedding etc.

so posts calling parents unfair or heartless don't really help the OP with her dilemma. Nor do any of us know for sure that they dont have valid points.

1. Are the parents expected to contribute financially o wedding or just turn up? If expected to contribute then surely they get a say?

2. Is his lack of a job the only objection, or does 'mean' cover other things like how he treats OP or others? if they have other objections what are they.

3. What age is partner, and what is his employment history. Does he have long periods of being unemployed or is he a serial student taking course after course as opposed to moving to employment ?

4. Does he have his own place and how does he support himself at present? Is his lifestyle taxpayer funded?

I think if we know the answers to those questions we could better advise OP.

Tiddlypeeps

Xterminator wrote: »

I would ike to say ultimately it is the OPs choice whom to marry. however she cannot force the parents to accept him or attend wedding etc.

so posts calling parents unfair or heartless don't really help the OP with her dilemma. Nor do any of us know for sure that they dont have valid points.

1. Are the parents expected to contribute financially o wedding or just turn up? If expected to contribute then surely they get a say?

2. Is his lack of a job the only objection, or does 'mean' cover other things like how he treats OP or others? if they have other objections what are they.

3. What age is partner, and what is his employment history. Does he have long periods of being unemployed or is he a serial student taking course after course as opposed to moving to employment ?

4. Does he have his own place and how does he support himself at present? Is his lifestyle taxpayer funded?

I think if we know the answers to those questions we could better advise OP.

The OP is a grown ass woman who already has the answers to those questions and has decided to marry this man regardless. That should be the end of it.

The only situation where the parents might have a valid point is if the OP was abusive, but we have been given no reason to believe that is the case.

wiggle16

Xterminator wrote: »

I would ike to say ultimately it is the OPs choice whom to marry. however she cannot force the parents to accept him or attend wedding etc.

so posts calling parents unfair or heartless don't really help the OP with her dilemma. Nor do any of us know for sure that they dont have valid points.

1. Are the parents expected to contribute financially o wedding or just turn up? If expected to contribute then surely they get a say?

2. Is his lack of a job the only objection, or does 'mean' cover other things like how he treats OP or others? if they have other objections what are they.

3. What age is partner, and what is his employment history. Does he have long periods of being unemployed or is he a serial student taking course after course as opposed to moving to employment ?

4. Does he have his own place and how does he support himself at present? Is his lifestyle taxpayer funded?

I think if we know the answers to those questions we could better advise OP.

With respect, I really think you are missing the point.

It's up to the OP who she marries. That's her decision alone. Her parents have made it clear how they feel about him, and that's fine. Now they are trying to emotionally blackmail the OP into reconsidering getting married by refusing to attend. And that is not fine. That's babyish, interfering carry on.

Clearly the OP does not consider their assessment of him valid, so it doesn't really matter what they meant by calling him "mean". The OP doesn't think he is. Hers is the only opinion that matters.

How he funds himself isn't relevant. He's on a panel for a civil service competition and is studying, so it's not like he's a layabout with no prospects (even if that were relevant).
The parents might have a leg to stand on if he had, say, done time in prison or been abusive in the past, but that's not the case. Even if he were a superabsorbent, bibulous sponge, if she wants to marry him then she wants to marry him, that's her choice.

The long and short of it is that her parents clearly want her to live her life a certain way based upon what they find acceptable. She is under no obligation to do that and they are 100% wrong to be treating her this way

leggo

To play Devil's Advocate for a moment, though, the parents also don't have to participate beyond their own comfort level. They're not actively making moves to get the wedding called off, they're just reluctant in their own roles.

Personally I think a bit more background in the fiancee/parent relationship is needed here to properly be able to assess the situation. There's absolutely every chance that they're interfering busybodies who deem nobody good enough for their daughter. Or there could be more. If the OP came on here and said that he had a violent past of alcoholism, or that they had had issues where she felt he'd taken advantage of her financially before, then I think we'd all sympathise with their stance a bit more.

We don't know much about their relationship so I think it'd be helpful for both us and the OP to look at where exactly things went wrong in order to be able to try understand their viewpoint because, from there at least, we can look at if there's alternative ways of repairing things to take stress off the wedding and beyond.

Sittingpretty

leggo wrote: »

To play Devil's Advocate for a moment, though, the parents also don't have to participate beyond their own comfort level. They're not actively making moves to get the wedding called off, they're just reluctant in their own roles.

Personally I think a bit more background in the fiancee/parent relationship is needed here to properly be able to assess the situation. There's absolutely every chance that they're interfering busybodies who deem nobody good enough for their daughter. Or there could be more. If the OP came on here and said that he had a violent past of alcoholism, or that they had had issues where she felt he'd taken advantage of her financially before, then I think we'd all sympathise with their stance a bit more.

We don't know much about their relationship so I think it'd be helpful for both us and the OP to look at where exactly things went wrong in order to be able to try understand their viewpoint because, from there at least, we can look at if there's alternative ways of repairing things to take stress off the wedding and beyond.

I agree.

It sounds like a massive over reaction for people not to attend their daughter’s wedding because her fiancé doesn’t have a job at present.

It sounds to me like there may be more to this than meets the eye.

oil painting

It all seems so last minute. Have they even said they are going when will you find this out? Fair play to your BF for speaking with them and trying, he must have contributed to paying for the wedding somehow?

wiggle16

Going by the OP's first post and username, I would guess that the wedding date has already passed, whatever happened, so I am going to close this thread.

Best of luck OP & I hope it worked out in the end.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread locked